This is a character study fanfic focusing on Kotomine Kirei and Tsuyuri Kanao. So expect this fic being very wordy.
And also, the fanfic is practically created on a whim because I thought Kirei and Kanao felt similar, and this story is an exploration of their relationship.
Anyways, happy reading and enjoy!
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prologue: at first sight
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When Kotomine Kirei first laid his eyes on her, it was supposed to be forgettable and ordinary. It was so brief and fleeting, not something he should've paid attention because of how unremarkable their meeting was.
It was her eyes, he realized as he and the woman in the garden continued to look at each other, she was looking at me. No, she was looking through me, he thought in a bit of discomfort. Kirei was standing over the window and had been aimlessly casting his glances outside as if assessing for unknown enemies until he caught the eyes looking up to him. The woman on the garden possessed a striking lilac eyes that seemed glow in unnatural pink and red under the sunlight and dark hair framing her delicate face that nearly reached her small shoulders. Another striking look on her appearance was the ornament on her hair in a shape of fluttering butterfly. In the distance, it could've been easily mistaken that a living butterfly had landed on the back of her head. But on a closer look, the upper half of her hair was gathered and held together by that almost-alive ornament. Kirei mused that, as he observed her overall appearance, the lilac-eyed woman being surrounded by the abundant flowers that gently swayed at the passing breeze was quite fitting for her.
But then in a split second, the lilac eyes that had landed on him disappeared, erasing the strange trance he was put under from that eyes.
Tohsaka Tokiomi, his soon-to-be master, approached the window beside him. "Has something caught your attention, Kirei?" he asked his would-be apprentice.
"The woman in the garden. Who is it?" If he was a to-be apprentice for this man beside him, there will no reason to hide the curiosity of the woman watering the flowers.
"I see," said his master in acknowledgement as he also landed his gaze to her. "I can't blame you for being curious. She was quite a strange one. She wouldn't have become part of the household if it wasn't for my girls."
"Rin?"
"And Sakura," His master added. "They quickly became attached to her like a magnet despite always keeping her mouth shut. Perhaps, it was her eyes that caught their attention. As I said, she was a strange one."
Kirei glossed over of his master's words 'his girls' knowing that one of his daughters—Sakura—will be (or was already) put into an adoption into another family. Matou, he remembered. One of the Founding Families. But that aside, certain words of his master piqued his interest. "Is she mute?" he asked.
"No. Her vocals chords appeared to fine. She can talk perfectly but choose not to." His master walked to the nearby couch and sat to rest his body. "I was told she lapsed into silence because of her past."
Tohsaka Tokiomi continued to speak as if immersed in his own words after that. Kirei had been subjected into his master's ramblings, justifying that as his apprentice he had aware to be of the existence of his family since they will be working together — in preparation for the Holy Grail War that will be held in three years. Kirei observed that his master didn't told him the entirety about his family, carefully choosing his words with enough information. After all, Kirei knew he won't be living together in the Tohsaka household. And as his master said, he had to be 'aware' not 'know'. There was a clear boundary between them.
And in additional to his family, it looks like Tohsaka Tokiomi will be telling about the lilac-eyed woman in the garden. And so, Kirei listened, more closely than his master talked about his family.
Tsuyuri Kanao was her name. According to the reports his master gathered, this wasn't her birth name, just a title of distinction given to her among the orphans. His master also told him that Tsuyuri grew up in an unknown organization that seemed to fight supernatural monsters of the night, trained to fight against these creatures.
Kirei raised an eyebrow to that. "An unknown organization that fought supernatural monsters? Isn't that the Church's Executor job?" he asked in slight bafflement. He wasn't aware such organization had existed until now.
"No one knew what kind of organization it was nor was their purpose to train orphans to fight these creatures. Others speculated that this organization was trying to usurp the Church's authority or someone that was spurned by the Church trying to create his own army. But no such reports was gathered. It was dismantled immediately as it was discovered. Almost everything about the unknown organization was erased as if it never existed to begin with."
Kirei listened intently of his master's words but there was something he was confused. "Why is she still in this household if she got a relationship to this dubious organization?" he asked. If she knew how to fight, there's a possibility that she might pose a danger to his master — by extension, to the Tohsaka household.
"Tsuyuri Kanao stayed because of the compassion of my wife, but what made me resigned to accept her was my daughters." Kirei saw the distant look on his master's eyes as if remembering something. "It has been two years since she approached this household, crouching in the gate like a cat waiting to be picked up. Aoi helped her behind my back and my daughters eventually joined my wife. Rin and Sakura begged profusely for her to be cleaned and dressed. I accepted. And then the demands continued and I keep accepting again and again because of my daughters." Tokiomi sighed in resignation. "Really, to be defeated at childish demands, such is the responsibility of a father."
"But the fact that she had connections to the mysterious organization stays," Kirei reminded.
"I know," His master agreed. "But that organization was already as good as gone, and she already confessed about her knowledge and her connection to it. It is one of reason why I've accepted her."
"Confessed?"
"That's right. It might be surprising but she told me that she had nothing to hide."
Kirei returned his attention outside the window and saw no one lurking in the garden. "I see," he muttered.
"That must have been a boring topic to you, Kirei." His master stood up. "Aoi and Rin still didn't know we're already here. All we have to do is wait for them and surprise them with our presence," Tokiomi told him as if trying to reassure him.
"Ah." Kirei only made a sound affirmation, simply just to tell his master that he was listening. But his attention still lingered at the garden where that lilac-eyed woman had been watering the flowers. Her eyes... he thought as he recalled her gaze on him — through him like she was piercing him skin deep with just a simple look.
That eyes of hers, what does she see through him?
...
A squeal of delight entered his hearing when Tohsaka Aoi and Tohsaka Rin, his master's wife and daughter respectively, arrived home. His daughter literally flew at her father and hugged him as tightly as she could with her little arms. "Father! You're here!" she exclaimed in happiness before she turned her attention to the lilac-eyed woman who had been standing beside Kirei silently. "Why didn't you tell us, Kanao?" the little girl demanded with small pout.
The woman only smiled faintly.
"I wanted to surprise you, that's why I told her to keep silent about it," his master replied in her stead. "What about it, Rin, did I surprise you?"
"I am!" his daughter nodded enthusiastically. "If only you would tell us, we would've prepared ourselves for your arrival."
"That would erase the element of surprise," said Tokiomi, gently reprimanding, "And besides, I'm sure Kanao already prepared the things for our arrival." His master turned his head to the lilac-eyed woman who nodded at him. "See? Trust Kanao when it comes to these things, Rin."
A pout dawned on the little girl's face. "Fine. Just because it's Kanao. Anyway, how was the trip, Father?" she asked, immediately changing the subject.
"It was splendid."
"And who is that?" Rin threw a glance at the Kirei who had been standing silently beside Kanao.
"During my trip, I met Kotomine Risei. You know that priest, right?"
"Yeah."
"This is his son, Kirei. From now on, he will be my apprentice."
"A-apprentice?"
As if finally waking up from a dreamless daze, the startled and helpless tone of the little girl woke him up. Kirei has been listlessly listening of the family's conversation — the usual talk between families — and decided to lapse himself into silence until he would be expectedly mentioned. But what perked him up was his master's daughter's voice that seemed to be tinged with sadness and vulnerability. And he saw in the corner of his eyes that the woman beside him — Kanao had glanced at him as if noticing what piqued him up into attentiveness. But her lilac eyes gaze quickly disappeared as it landed on him just like earlier. Kirei decidedly ignored it.
"Nice to meet you, Rin," he greeted the little girl with a polite smile. "I will be staying with your Father from now on. I hope you wouldn't mind." For some reason, those last words came out uncontrollably from his mouth. But his carelessness gave him some kind of satisfaction when he saw the expression of his master's daughter's face but didn't openly showed the gratification on his own face. He only smiled politely.
"N-no, I don't mind," she replied, visibly upset despite her attempt to hide it.
Kirei smiled politely even more. "Thank you."
The little girl didn't reply as she only looked away from him.
"It is nice to meet you, Kotomine-san," his master's wife replied instead. "And thank you for accompanying my husband." She made a bow of gratitude to him.
"No, it is nothing, Madam. It is simply my duty as his apprentice."
She only smiled at his humility and turned her husband. "Dear, you must tired. Why don't you rest for a bit?" Aoi offered.
"No, it's fine. It has been a while I last saw your faces, let us talk for a while." His master smiled with a gentle look directed at his wife. The family continued to talk with each other wholeheartedly along the way to the living room as Kirei and Kanao walked behind them in silence.
It would be a stretch to say that the silence between them was comfortable, but what Kirei felt from the woman beside him was definitely apprehension. He prolonged the silence as they stood beside each other when they arrived at the living room. No one decided to raise a voice. Though, as his master told him, this woman had been living in silence, it was natural for her she wouldn't raise a voice for the sake of breaking the silence. Silence was always her companion.
"Nice to meet you, Tsuyuri Kanao," Kirei said lowly at her.
Pinkish lilac met his dark eyes. It was quite obvious from her expression that she was startled, perhaps never expecting him to talk with her. Kirei smiled as he saw her usual expression broke its concentration. Kanao nodded in reply as she returned his smile and she looked away from him.
His smile dropped, his usual indifference returning to his face. Watching the loving family in front of him talking to each other, he ignored them and examine himself for self-evaluation.
Nothing noteworthy happened as usual. Everything went smoothly as expected. A tinge of admiration was directed at his soon-to-be master of magecraft, Tohsaka Tokiomi, as Kirei revisited the other man's preparation of everything. Of his transference from the Church to Mage's Association and his master's apparent plan to surprise his family with his — their presence (and quickly noting the little's girl upset look); it was as his master planned. He respected Tohsaka Tokiomi for that — and by extension, his master's family.
But despite that, Kirei was still not quite sure of his impression about Tsuyuri Kanao.
Perhaps it was because he never met someone who possessed a piercing gaze like hers with a striking pinkish-lilac eyes as if stabbing through him. Perhaps it was because he had never been read on by someone before when their eyes met together as if she knew what was going on with his mind. Perhaps it was his slight interest of the silent existence of Tsuyuri Kanao that made him want her to look at him again and tell him what she saw on him; of something he had been confused for so long and demand her to tell him what she saw. Or perhaps it was because of her eyes that seem to know something.
Kirei already knew and was told by his master and his father that, perhaps, the reason why he was chosen by Grail was to assist Tohsaka Tokiomi on his road to victory. In order to fulfill a lifelong dream of Tohsaka — as one of the Founding Family along with Makiri and Einzbern — Kirei will accompany his master unto this path. It was one of the reason why he became an apprentice to this man — Tohsaka Tokiomi who held himself as an aristocrat noble. Prided himself as a mage — that's why his master will attain the victory to reach the 'Root' which was said to contain all forms of knowledge about the world itself. This knowledge was what the mages had sought after for centuries; his master is not different from them.
Despite these explanation supplied to him, Kirei displayed none of his interest to this. Maybe his father and his would-be master was aware of this; that's why they took advantage of his disinterest and made him an ally to Tohsaka Tokiomi. Despite being the Supervisor of the upcoming Holy Grail War, his father, Kotomine Risei expressed openly to be an ally to the mage. This war had already tilted its favor to Tohsaka Tokiomi even before the event had started.
A question still loomed him despite already receiving an answer from his father and his master (where they answered that it was perhaps he was chosen to assist the mage). Kirei found their answers unsatisfactory but he didn't show his disappointment to them. Or was it really disappointment he felt? Kirei asked himself. When he had asked them the will of the Grail of being chosen as a participant of Holy Grail War, he was told that those who need the Grail most; a person who had a strong desire for their wish to be realized. As an omnipotent wish-granting device, the Grail will make that wish come true.
There was a shade of confusion and suspicion came at him at that answer. He possessed a desire of a wish? A wish that he had hoped to be granted by the Holy Grail? There was such a thing within him that the Grail chose him as participant and gave him this holy marks — also called as Command Seals — engraved in the back of his right hand? He had no idea. He had no purpose to begin with. Why would he wished for something — a desire when such a thing didn't exist within him?
The woman beside him sighed silently and left the living room, and she made her way to the kitchen with silent steps. Kirei glanced at the nearby clock and saw that it was nearly the time for lunch. The woman — Tsuyuri must've left the room to prepare the necessities to the dining table, as Kirei heard noises of plates and glasses being picked up and put down.
Now it was Kirei's turn to sigh silently. It's too early to hope that she carries the answer to my question, he thought, I can't simply hope that she possess that kind of sight. He followed after Kanao and helped her silently prepare the table without exchanging words between them, only a silent cooperation that moved them together around the dining table.
...
Kirei ate together with the family. It was welcome party, as this loving family told him, to welcome him and as a celebration for being an apprentice to Tohsaka Tokiomi. Kirei never missed the not-so-subtle scowl from Rin. He only smiled at her only to upset her further.
But Tsuyuri Kanao ate in a different table. She stayed at the kitchen in her lonesome yet comfortable silence. Kirei encountered her coincidentally when he went to wash his hands and saw her all by herself looking at the window. His feet brought him towards her and found himself sitting across her. Lilac eyes met dark eyes once again. But the pinkish lilac immediately averted from him and looked distantly at the window outside. Kirei followed her gaze but found nothing remarkable beyond the window.
The air of apprehension returned between them again. Uncomfortableness blanketed them like a physical matter. He saw her finger tapping restlessly at her thigh and glancing at him in the corner of her eyes multiple times. Kirei prolonged the silence again and waited. This woman in front of them being nervous and indecisively was quite... a sight for him.
And then there was a movement from her. Briefly glancing at her side, he saw her writing in a notepad which she just conjured out of nowhere and showed her handwriting to him. Nice to meet you too, Kotomine Kirei, it told him scrawling. It doesn't take him long to understand that she was greeting in return to him when he had spoken to her earlier.
He nodded. "Yes. I hope I'm not troubling you with my presence here in this house," he replied in humility.
She shook her head and wrote again. I don't mind, she told him in another scrawling note.
Kirei simply nodded. Now he was convinced that, despite her eyes, there was nothing special in this woman, Tsuyuri Kanao.
Another note entered his line of sight. And the thing that you were hoping to find, Kirei bristled when he read it, as the housekeeper of this house, I hope you're not looking for something that is currently in possession by the Tohsaka family.
"There is nothing within my master's possession that has caught my attention," he replied flatly. Kirei was baffled at this woman's assumption that he was some kind of thief trying to take advantage of his master's good side.
My apologies, she wrote to him and bowed. I was just being cautious.
At her response, Kirei was immediately reminded of his master's earlier when he told him about Tsuyuri Kanao. 'Confessed of her connection to the mysterious because she had nothing to hide' as his master told him; he finally saw that side of hers. Despite her silence, Tsuyuri Kanao does seem to be an honest individual. She didn't hesitate to speak to him if he was a potential criminal — a thief no less — and directly asked him about it. No wonder Tohsaka Tokiomi accepted her as part of the household.
But, she wrote again, you are looking for something, right?
Now that reminds him... "How did you know about that?" he asked in a slight curiosity.
She tapped her eyelid before telling him in a note, I'm not blind. I see what I see.
"Oh," said Kirei. "But ordinarily, you do not easily see the intention of other people at first sight, no?"
His reply must've got her since she became silent. Tsuyuri furrowed her brows, pondering silently. Kirei just looked at her expression full of apprehension and contemplation, and waited. Then she wrote again.
I know it's strange but I can't help it, her scrawling words told him, I see what other people can't. I see the small details what others can't. And seeing these small details, I can sometimes see the intention but my assumption of their intention are not always correct. By using and looking at the smallest shift of expression and movement, I'm only guessing the next move and react accordingly.
"When you asked if I was looking for something..."
I was only guessing your thoughts through your expression, she replied, 'something' was the only thing I can come up with. 'Something' can mean many things after all.
Something. Of course, it would be 'something'. Kirei had thought about her eyes — her gaze when she looked at him, seemed to know something. But his assumption of 'something', as he found out, was not one-sided. Tsuyuri saw something within him but she had guessed wrong since she thought he was — bafflingly — a thief. But at the same time, she was right. There is something within him, he won't deny that. Something that other people wasn't aware of. Not even his father and his wife—
Kirei stepped back mentally. He nearly fell into a precipice when he gradually edged towards a certain memory. He mentally retreated backwards and faced the woman with striking eyes in front of him.
But she averted her eyes away from him and wrote in the note, I'm going back to work. Whatever you're looking for, I hope you'll find it. Tsuyuri stood up and bowed in farewell to him and left the kitchen. Now it was his turn being left alone in this lonesome kitchen. He directed his gaze outside and saw her lurking in the garden.
When Kirei first laid his eyes on her, it was supposed to be forgettable and ordinary. It was so brief and fleeting, and not something he should've paid attention because of how unremarkable their meeting was.
But with her eyes; perhaps the 'something' she saw within him would fill the 'nothingness' he had within him. His defect — the bottomless pit that he had so worked to fill, would be finally be satiate after for so long.
Tsuyuri Kanao. Kotomine Kirei will remember that name.