**disclaimer** the first part of this chapter talks about the triggering events of last chapter. if this may trigger you, be cautious reading.
Dear Diary,
**trigger warning here**
As soon as Finnick let go of me, he turned around to shut the door, I guess to give us a moment of privacy, and he saw the tissues on the ground.
"Hey Annie, what is this?" He picks up the tissues, and my reflexes aren't fast enough to hide my wrist behind my back. He saw it.
I take a step back, already expecting some sort of lecture, sinking into the bed and running my hands through my hair anxiously. "Go ahead, get it over with," I mumble, biting my lip. "I know I shouldn't have done it," I add on, my face looking down on the ground with guilt in my eyes. I was lucky. Lucky to survive. Lucky to win. But I didn't feel lucky. I felt alone.
Finnick put the tissues in the garbage before sitting next to me on the bed and wrapping his arm around me. He tilted my face up so that I could better look at his. In his eyes, I saw a reflection of my face. Slightly thinner, pale, with big blue pools of sadness in my eyes. What did he see in me?
"Annie," he begins, his voice heavy as he stares into my eyes. I feel my cheeks growing warm, and I look down, breaking our gaze. I couldn't bear to look at him. I couldn't bear to talk about what happened in those games, what I went through.
"You saw it," I mumbled, not just in reference to the cut on my hand. "You saw what they did to Percy. What happened to Sparkle. What Marietta did to herself. You saw all of it. You can't—" I choke up, swallowing my spit nervously and then looking up at him. "You can't expect me to be okay," I mumble out, a few faint tears falling down my face and landing on my wrist, stinging it slightly.
"Annie I was not going to yell at you. Come here," he mumbles, bringing me in close to him and wrapping his arms around me once more. In his arms, I tried to feel the warmth. I tried to focus on that, on him, but instead, all I could think about was Percy, his head on the ground.
"Annie, I don't want you to think you're alone. You have me. You have Mags. You have all the other victors. You have your family. You have your friends," he holds my head with his hand, and I feel myself relax just the slightest. He's right. My family was back home, waiting for me. If not for myself, I at least had to do it for them.
"Can I tell you something?" He asks, one of his eyebrows raised. I nod my head, and he pulls away from the hug so that we were sitting side by side. When we're sitting like this, he wraps his arm around my waist. And slowly, very cautiously, I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. I think it was more to make him feel better than me.
**trigger warning ends here**
"When I won my games, I was fourteen. The youngest victor ever, or at least in the longest time. I was instantly loved by the capital at my interview. At fourteen, I had plenty of capital women willing to sponsor me just so I could leave the games and have sex with them. And it worked, they sponsored me to the point in which I had gotten a golden trident, which, as you know, I used to kill them. But when I left the games, they had expectations for me.
At my crowning, Snow quietly asked me if I would be willing to sell my body to the women of the capital. I instantly said no. I was fourteen. I was still a minor. I hadn't even had a girlfriend yet. Well, when I said no to him, he took it as a big offense. When I came home after my interview, I found a note at my home. My family didn't have much, after my father and mother died of some sickness when I was nine, it was just me and my older brother. Well, at our small little house in the poorer side of town was empty, with a note that said "Don't you wish you had taken me up on my offer?" - Snow."
For a second, it all connected in my head. That's why I never saw him in school. His parents died of the same disease that Amelia's family died of. His family was small and broken just like hers. And so he lived on the poor side, and never went to school with me. Who knows if he was there, at the competition, before his parents came to an untimely demise.
"I was just like, instantly sick to my stomach. I ran to Mags's house, crying about what Snow had done. She consoled me, and from then on acted like a second mother to me. That next games, when he asked me again, I said yes. I couldn't bear to lose Mags, the little family I had left. But that's what he does. That's what they do, the capital. They put you into these horrible games, and then as if that wasn't enough, they ask more from you. And when you say no, they take away what you love most.
And Annie, I don't want them to take you. I don't want them to take away what I have left. So don't let them take you. I know you're hurting. I know the pain you're dealing with. I lie awake at night with nightmares of all of the people I killed. I regret it, all the time. But it's what I had to do to survive. And I didn't understand, until I met you, that I was just surviving. I don't want to just survive, I want to live. But I can only do that if you keep living, if we work together here. Okay?" he asks me, squeezing my shoulder.
I nod, feeling tears in my eyes. This time, it was my turn to turn to the side and wrap my arms around him, holding him like he held me. "I'm sorry that had to happen to you Finnick," I empathize, holding him close to me. I could make no promises about myself, about the fact that I would survive, but I had someone else to do it for now. For Finnick.
I got up and walked to my dresser, opening my drawer and taking out the journal Finnick wove for me. "I wrote in it every day during the games, you know," I explained as I handed it to him, a small smile on my face. "Now that I'm out of the games, I can write in my normal one again. But I just wanted to let you know, I thought of you every time I wrote in it."
He smiled back at me, wrapping his arms around me and then planting a small kiss on my forehead. "Come on beautiful, you have a crowning and an interview to do. Let's go get you ready," I swallow my spit nervously, and nod my head. Right. I had to go out in front of all of Panem and talk about my games. I could do this.... Right?
Finnick must have seen the anxiety in my eyes, because he pulled me close leaned in close to me. "Annie, if you could survive the games, you can survive this," he begins, taking my chin in his hand and tilting my face up so I could meet his eyes. "Here, a little love, to boost your confidence tonight," he leans in close to me and presses a small, soft kiss on my lips. For just a moment I kiss back, not wanting to let go of him. Finnick just kissed me, on the lips. And it wasn't completely out of pity! Maybe I could do this.
I leave the district four floor and meet Burundi back in one of the many basement floors, where she helped me get ready for my first interview. The dress she had designed for me was short this time, a soft pink with frills at the bottom, and a line of sparkles across the chest, which was formed into a heart neckline. As I saw it, my face lit up, and I felt like a child once again.
"Do you like it?" Burundi asks nervously, her hand on my shoulder. "I wasn't sure how you would feel after the games, so I wanted to give you something soft, something happy."
"I love it!" I beam, smiling at the dress. "Let's get it on." I think, the faster I can get through this interview and the faster I can get through this crowning, the faster I can get back home and forget about all of this. Or at least, try to.
After Burundi has helped me get into my dress, she puts on some soft eye makeup and mascara, which makes my eyelashes look ten times longer. She then puts a little blush on my cheeks and a light pink lip gloss on my lips. When she turns me to the mirror, I almost don't recognize myself. I don't see the girl in the games, with the matted down bangs and black eye. I don't see the girl with the bags and the heavy eyelids. I see a doll. Perfect. Porcelain. And I guess that's who I have to be.
At least for a few more hours.
"Thank you Burundi," I smile at her, doing a small curtesy in my dress. "I love it."
"Don't forget the final touch!" She hands me a pair of pink ballet flats, a smile on her face. "I remembered how much you disdain high heels, so I figured I'd give you a bit of a break," I wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly. I do this in part to thank her, for all she's done for me, but also in part to hide my face as I feel a tear slide down it.
"Are you ready to go get crowned, miss Annie Cresta?" She asks with a big, beaming grin. I nod nervously, my eyes looking around the room. Was there anything I could do to delay this? I wasn't ready to be out in front of all of Panem again, I knew I wasn't.
But nonetheless, Burundi gave me a kiss on my cheek and pushed me towards the door. "Now don't worry about pleasing any men this time sweetheart, you won the games all by yourself. You don't need any man!" She insists and then pinches my cheek lightly, as if encouraging me.
After I leave the room with Burundi, Trident directs me to a building outside of the tribute center, where I guess president snow will crown me as victor. As if he knew what I would ask, he put his hand on my back and chuckled. "Finnick and Mags wanted to get good seats in the audience, so I came to escort you," I nodded, relaxing slightly into his touch. Good. They weren't dead.
I remembered what Finnick told me, about how President Snow asked him to sell himself. Was he going to ask me to do that? I couldn't bare to live like that, but I have a family back home. A mother. A father. A little brother who is just a bundle of joy. I can't lose them.
Oh.
I guess we had gotten to the building where Snow would be crowning me.
Trident gave me a nudge up the stairs, and nodded his head. "Top floor," he indicated, which meant I had to climb a couple flights of stairs, but I don't mind doing that, I ran for hours during the games.
So as I made the trek up the stairs, I felt myself getting more and more nervous. My hands were starting to get numb. My mind was racing. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I felt my chest rising up and down quickly in my dress. What was he going to ask me? Was he going to threaten me? I made it to the top floor, my face red and my eyes filled with nervous tears.
Before pushing on the door that lead to the balcony, I took a quick, small breath and wiped the tears out from under my eyes carefully. When I was done, I saw President Snow on the balcony, with a crown in hand, and an audience larger than all of district four out in the ground below. I could do this. I could do this.
President Snow made his speech, and as he did so, I felt myself getting more and more anxious. I knew that soon enough he would be turning to face me, asking me to do something and threatening to kill my family. I felt my chest rising and falling faster and faster, and I felt my lungs aching as if someone was sitting on them. I closed my hands into fists, my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands.
President Snow must've finished his speech. I saw him turn to me, his dark eyes staring into my soul. He opened his mouth to say something, and I nearly choked. My hands were shaking, and at this point I was visibly hyperventilating, my eyes darting around to see anyone except for President Snow.
He placed the crown on top of my head. It felt heavy, as if it was going to bring my head down, forcing my neck to cave into my chest and collapsing me on the ground. He opened his mouth, and it was if a snake slid out of it, whispering his evil tunes for him. "Congratulations, Annie," he whispered, the cobra snake of his evil spirit wrapping around me and choking me.
"Thank you" I choked out, not waiting for him to motion for me to leave. I quickly turned away from him, darting out the door and running down the stairs. I felt as if I was back in the games, running away from a killer, running for my life.
I nearly ran in to Trident at the bottom of the stairs, coming to a quick stop in front of him. "Woah girl, slow down," he chuckled, putting a strong hand on my shoulder. I don't know if he meant to calm me down, but that strong hand was grounding, forcing me to snap out of my fear of President Snow.
"You ready for your interview?" he asks, his eyebrows raised in a concerned way. Instead of answering him verbally, because I knew my voice would be shaky and uncertain, I simply nodded. Trident walked with me back to the oh-so-familiar arts center, where Caesar Flickerman interviewed me for the first time. He spent the whole time talking, not even realizing that I wasn't responding to him. That's better, I guess, then having to talk to him when I could barely manage to get words out.
Trident squeezed my shoulder softly as I approached the stage. I was hit in the face with a bag of flashbacks; laughing with Sparkle, talking to Percy, nervously peering towards the front of the line. I guess he knew I would react that way, because he patted my back in a soft, almost comforting way. "You got this Annie," he pushed me forward slightly, causing me to almost trip in my ballet flats. "Look for Finnick in the audience," he reminds.
I hear Caesar begin my introduction: "and here today, we have the victor of the 70th Hunger Games..." I walk out on the stage, waving nervously toward the crowd. My eyes scanned them quickly, searching for the blue glint in Finnick's eye. Where is he. Where is Mags? Why can't I find them? Are they okay?
I start to freak out a little, my face turning red and the world slowing down as I walk towards the empty chair next to Caesar. Where are they? Where are they? Where are they?
My eye lands on Mags long grey hair, seeming almost white upon all the lights cast upon the audience. She gives me a small wave. I smile nervously at her, waving, and looking one seat over. There he was. Finnick was there. He was safe. He was okay. And that's all that mattered.
The rest of my interview breezed through very quickly, as I tried to answer Caesar with short, honest answers. He asked about what I was most excited to do, when I got back home. And without a second thought, I answered, "hug my little brother, Alex" the audience "awed" and I could swear I saw Finnick give me a thumbs up. Thumbs up for what? Why would he do that?
Caesar asked me a few more questions, about my time in the capital and about where I'm going to live after the games, relatively routine stuff. Then, as if he wanted to make me cry, he looked at me, with sad eyes. "What do you think you're going to tell your friend, Watter, Percy's older sibling?"
I sucked in a breath, and I think all of the audience did too. My mind was racing, and so was my heart. I could feel my hands shaking, and if I looked down at them, I could see them shaking a bit too. Tears formed in my eyes as I looked through the audience, landing on Finnick's face. He nodded, encouraging me to go on, to keep going.
"I guess, I would just hug them for a bit. I would try to console them as best as I could, but I know that I'm no replacement for their little brother. And I would say to everyone watching, in the capital, and in the districts: remember to love the people closest to you, because you never know when you might lose them. Just give them a little love," I smile softly at Finnick, hoping he would understand the reference to the words we've repeated to one another.
Caesar beamed, standing up and holding out his hand for me. "There you have it, Annie Cresta from district four, Victor of the 70th annual Hunger Games!" Caesar's proud voice booms through the entertainment center before the lights go out, signaling that we were done with the interview.
I nervously walked off the stage, walking up to Trident and looking up at him with hopeful eyes. "Can we go back to district four now?" I asked, my breath shaky and my cheeks stained with tears.
"Yeah, let's get you home kiddo," he agrees, placing his hand on my back and walking me towards the train that would take us home.
Thank you for listening,
Annie