"Chandy," I heard ate's voice calling my name followed by a soft knock. "Are you ready?"
Tonight will be the last night of Charlie's wake. My parents decided to only hold three nights before the burial and for the past days I only locked myself inside. My family tried talking to me but I just.. I just shut everyone else again..
Even Hurricane.. he stayed outside my door for two whole days. Hindi siya umaalis hangga't hindi kailangan. He's talking to me kahit hindi ako sumasagot, kapag hindi siya umiimik I can hear him humming.. maybe to let me know he's still outside. Kanina nag-paalam lamang siya na uuwi sa kanila pero babalik din daw mamaya.
I appreciated it but I wasn't really ready to open the door.
When Peter passed away, Charlie was born a week later. I was so hesitant to come outside my room when Mom knocked, then I heard Charlie's voice. She smiled at me the first time our eyes met.. her hands reached out..
She saved me from drowning..
And now.. she's gone.
I thought isa ako sa malalakas na babae, but I just don't know how to be strong when one of the few people I truly love passed away.. knowing na hinding hindi na siya babalik..
The memories was too brutal, I can't find any light as I remembered her laughter.. her beaming face.. her stories and positivity.. and the fear in her voice that very night she told me she wasn't ready..
Nobody was ready..
She died beside me..
She just left with me thinking she's still breathing that morning..
I was so clueless..
I felt so shit.
Paulit ulit sa utak ko ang boses niya na nagsasabing hindi pa siya handa.. na natatakot siya.. I can still feel her trembling in my arms..
Ni wala akong clue na that will be the last.. na takot ang huli niyang mararamdaman..
"Chandy?"
I looked up as I heard that familiar voice. My heart tightens even more as I let another tear flows, my lips were trembling as I harshly hit my chest, silently crying for my sister..
I don't know where she is now.. what she feels.. I don't even know if she's happy wherever she is.. ayaw pa niya mawala..
Something inside me just died..
"Love.."
I wiped the tears and mucus away as I stood up. Forcing myself to appear tough, lumakad ako papunta sa pinto para buksan yon. This will be the very first time I'll open this since that morning she left..
But my entire pretense crumbled down as I saw Ansel's face. Agad niya akong niyakap nang mag-simula na namang pumatak ang luha ko. She stayed silent as her embrace tightened, letting me cry myself out.
"I'm here now.. I'm here now, love." Her calming voice whispered.
And I just cried. The pain was eating me, killing me slowly but having her now.. opening the door to let someone in.. stopped me from drowning completely..
"I'm so sorry.." she whispered again and I just nodded, letting all my tears flow.
Bumitaw si Ansel sa pagyakap matapos kong umiyak, she's talking to me pero halos wala akong maintindihan. Tumango lamang ako habang hinahayaan siyang ayusin ang buhok ko. Nang matapos, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko, leading me outside. Her hand keeps on pressing mine, assuring me she's here if I wanted to cry again.
And the feeling of wanting to cry never leaves, masakit na masakit na ang mata ko. Pagod na pagod na sa kakaiyak pero hindi mapigilan lahat ng luhang gustong pumatak..
Napatingin ako sa kotseng sasakyan namin. It was Cy's. Hindi pa kami nakakalabas sa mismong gate nang lumabas si Cy sa kotse niya at lumakad palapit sakin. Mabilis ang bawat hakbang hanggang sa maikulong niya ako sa yakap niya.
He didn't say anything but his hug.. their embrace says everything I needed.
The whole ride was quiet. Hindi bumitaw si Ansel sa kamay ko, gusto ko sanang itanong kung nakabalik na si Hurricane but my lips can't. Pagod na pagod ako na kahit simpleng pag-tatanong ang hirap hirap gawin.
When we arrived at the funeral home, sobrang daming tao. I can feel everyone's eyes pero ni isa wala akong tinignan. Dire deretso lamang akong nag-lakad hanggang sa makarating sa front seat. Hindi ko.. hindi ko kayang sumilip at tignan ang kapatid ko.. I just can't look at her inside a coffin.. baka hindi ko kayanin..
I don't want to remember her, lifeless inside the coffin. I just don't.
The memory of her fearing for her death was already too much.
Hindi ko alam gaano katagal lamang akong nakatingin sa coffin. My family tried talking to me pero halos wala talaga akong maintindihan. Hindi nagsi sink in lahat ng sinasabi nila.
When I finally had enough, tumingin ako kay Ansel na hindi bumibitaw sa pagkakahawak sakin. Dapat umuwi na siya ngayon, masama sa kanyang nandito at magpupuyat. We can't risk her health.
"Let's get you home, Ansel."
"Pero.."
"No. Please. I am fine now. You need to go home.. and ayoko na din dito."
She nodded, "Wait" I told her as I looked at my mom na nasa may gilid lamang, her eyes were dry but it was red. Too puffy. We were never close, we don't even know how to comfort each other, and we weren't there when one needs one but I just can't imagine how much pain she's going through right now. How every regret and pain is eating her inside.. so I walked towards her. Agad siyang napatingin sakin at maliit na ngumiti. Umupo ako sa tabi niya at inabot ang kamay niya, mabibilang ko lang sa kamay ko kung ilang beses kong nahawakan ang kamay ni Mommy.
And the simple act alone comforted my whole being.
"Mom.."
"Chandy.. darling."
Wala nang umimik samin, she just held my hand in return, pressing it bago humalik sa sentido ko. We stayed sitting side by side for another minute before she spoke again.
"I'm glad you finally decided na lumabas." She smiled. "It must be so tough, laying beside Charlie that morning and realizing she's not really there anymore.."
Another tear flows as I nodded, burying my face at my Mom's shoulder. Pilit kong pinipigilan na mas mapaiyak but when she finally hugged me hindi ko na kinaya.
"Charlie was so afraid.. I always see it in her eyes.. but you were there beside her in her final moment. She was never alone when she departed, she never felt alone and so I thank you, my love. Our Charlie didn't face it all alone."
"She told me she wasn't ready, Mommy. She's so afraid that night." My voice broke as I remembered it again.
"Sshh, nobody is.." tumagilid siya sakin to cup my face, "But in her final moment, hindi siya nag-iisa because you stayed beside her.."
"I stayed, not thinking it will be the last.. I even tried waking her up that morning.." I cried as I remember every second of that morning, when she's already lifeless beside me..
My Mom just hugged me; I can feel my shoulder's getting wet from her tears so I forced myself to stop crying. I forced myself to dry my eyes because my Mom needs comfort too.. it's just too much na maging mahina ako sa harapan niya ngayon na kailangang kailangan din niya ng lakas.
So I straightened my back as I held her in my arms, ngayon, she's the one crying at kahit na masakit kailangan kong mas maging malakas. Kailangan naming mas maging malakas.
Si Cy na ang nag-hatid pabalik kay Ansel, ibinaba lamang nila ako sa bahay. Hindi ko talaga kayang tumagal sa wake ni Charlie. Kanina, matapos umiyak ni Mommy lumapit si Dad. Telling me na siya na ang bahala kay Mom. My whole family was supporting each other.
Papasok pa lamang ako ng gate nang may humawak ng kamay ko. Agad akong napatingin sa likod at nakita si Hurricane. He looks physically tired yet he still smiled.
"Love.." he called.
"Hey," hindi ko na pinigilan pa at niyakap siya. He's been with me for the last two days. I just want to thank him. It's everything for me.
"I'm here.." he whispered, returning my hug.
"Thank you."
Bumitaw siya sa yakap to cup my face, "I am always here, love, you know that right?"
Tumango lamang ako.
"You can cry on me."
"My eyes were tired.." and so am I.
"Okay. Let's get you a rest."
Hinatid niya ako hanggang kwarto namin, sinabihan ko siya na antayin lamang ako dahil maliligo lamang ako. Nang makalabas ng bathroom, naka-upo lamang siya sa bed, nakangiting nag-aantay sakin.
"Can you stay for a little while?" I asked.
I was so weak na wala na akong lakas para magpanggap na kaya ko na.. and hindi ko din naman kailangan mag-panggap sa harapan niya. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend too.
He nodded bago sumampa sa kama, opening the blanket for me, I climbed in. Agad niya akong niyakap, caressing my arms using his hand while the other was softly combing my hair. Ramdam ko ang bawat halik na pinapatak niya. Mas humihigpit din ang yakap.
He turned off the bedside lamp as he continued on soothing my whole system and then, finally, after three days, I was able to rest and sleep soundly.
I always thought that being alone, handling everything alone was the epitome of strength, of what a woman should be but the power.. the force of love and security was too strong making me realize this is what people needs.
People need people.
We all need someone.
And no matter how painful it is for me, I was somehow glad.. Charlie never felt alone that night. She left.. her soul left as I was holding her body.
I just prayed that that moment.. that time.. all her fears vanished knowing her sister is holding her.
**
After the burial, my parents just rest for a day pero back to duty na ulit sila. The house was too quiet, pumunta ng US sila Lola at Chad for another month kasama ang isang Tita ko. I was left all alone dahil kailangan ko pa asikasuhin ang enrollment since malapit na ulit ang start ng sem. Susunod na lamang ako kayna Lola after ko mag-ayos ng requirements at mag-linis ng condo pero babalik din agad after a week.
I just need to refresh.
Umuwi si Hurricane sa kanila after ng burial at ngayon lamang babalik. Dumiretso muna ako sa University bago nag-pasya na dumiretso na lamang sa condo ni Hurricane. Hindi ko talaga matagalan sa bahay. Every corner of that house reminds me of my sister. I just need a different environment.
Nasa ibang lugar na naman si Cyclone. Hindi ko alam if nakarating na ba si Cane or mamaya pa but at least may key ako. Cy gave me a duplicate nong burial because he knows na kailangan ko talaga.
Ayoko pa munang pumunta sa condo ko ng mag-isa.
Nang makarating ako sa unit, tahimik pa, walang katao-tao. It's really a good thing na malinis ang buong room hindi gaya ng sakin na natambakan na ng gabok.
Dumiretso ako sa bedroom ni Cane, maraming gusot sa kumot. Parang may humiga. Tsk, hindi talaga yon marunong mag-ayos ng kama. Naiiling na lamang akong sumampa sa kama bago kinuha ang unan niya at inamoy.
Hindi ko namalayan na nakahipig na'ko, narinig ko na lamang na may maingay sa labas. I immediately sat up bago umalis sa kama, mabilis akong nag-lakad papunta sa pinto and was about to open it nang makarinig ako ng ibang boses.
It was too awfully familiar.
So, she's with him again?
I heaved a sigh, hindi naman ako pedeng lumabas agad dba? Mukhang nag-tatalo sila. Marahan kong binuksan ang pinto, maliit lang ang kawang, sakto lamang para makita sila.
And there, I saw Cane's back kaharap si Barbara. She looks so pained and frustrated na parang may sinabi si Cane na hindi maganda.
"Just stop, Barb.. please.." Cane said, sounding defeated. "Bumalik ka na kayna Mom."
"No! You don't understand! Hindi mo naiintindihan, I tried okay? Sinubukan ko naman! Sinubukan kong maniwala nong sinabi mo sakin noon na hindi pedeng tayong dalawa! I tried to understand when you told me na hindi mo kayang i-sacrifice ang friendship natin! I tried so hard accepting the fact na nagpaka duwag ka para sa ating dalawa!"
My eyes widened.. they.. they knew it was mutual before?
"Pero hindi ko maintindihan bakit kaya mong sumugal sa iba pero sakin hindi?! Bakit hindi ako ang pinili mo kahit sinabi mo noon na mahal mo'ko?! Bakit kailangan kong mag-tiis pakinggan kang unti-unting napapamahal sa iba?! You were so unfair! Sobrang unfair mo na ayaw mo'kong mawala kaya nilipat mo sa iba ang pag-mamahal mo! Sobrang unfair na hanggang ngayon mahal na mahal pa din kita na hangga—"
She wasn't able to continue her sentence.
It was too fast.
But I clearly saw with my two eyes how he grabbed her hand and leaned in to claim her lips with his.
I suddenly felt so numb.
Hindi ako makagalaw sa pwesto ko, tuluyan ng bumukas ang pinto sa kwarto kasabay ng pag-bitaw nilang dalawa. Agad napatingin sakin si Barb.. gusto.. gusto kong manakit pero hindi ako maka-galaw.
Halos wala akong maramdaman pero tuloy tuloy ang pag-bagsak ng luha ko.
"Chandy.."
I saw how he turned with those two wide eyes. I saw the fear and regret in those orbs. The shock and panic creeping in.
I saw how he took a step back and how she run outside.
"Chandy.. it's not what you think.."
Fuck.
Wala na bang ibang linya?
"Babe.. listen to me.." he tried walking towards me panicking.
Hindi ako makagalaw. Hindi.. hindi ako makapaniwalang magagawa niya yon.. na parang hindi niya man lamang naisip na may girlfriend siya..
I always have doubts kapag magkasama sila pero hindi ko matanggap ang nakita ko..
Why.. why the fuck does he have to kiss her?!
Are they always like this kapag wala ako? Is he kissing her behind my fucking back?!
Tuloy tuloy ang pagpatak ng luha ko kasabay ng pagkuha niya sa kamay ko.
This is just too much.. everything is just too much.
The pain was too much to the point I am feeling so numb.
"Listen to me love.. it was nothing.. it was all a mistake. Walang ibang.." he gulped as his voice broke, "Walang ibang ibig sabihin yon. Please, look at me.." he pleaded.
Dahan dahan akong tumingin sa kanya..
Walang ibang ibig sabihin?
"Then why did you kiss her?"
"I.. I don't know.." his tears fell as he closed his eyes.
Hindi niya alam? Hindi niya alam bakit niya hinalikan ang bestfriend niya?
Fuck.. akala ko, akala ko mahal niya ako? Na masaya siya sakin? May pagkukulang ako, oo, pero bakit ganon.. bakit pakiramdam ko ginamit lamang ako? Bakit pakiramdam ko hindi talaga niya ako mahal?
Kasi kung mahal niya ako.. bakit siya hahalik sa iba?
"Everytime.." my voice broke as I harshly let go of his hold, wiping my tears away. "Everytime you're telling me you love me.. who do you see?"
His brows furrowed, parang hindi makapaniwala sa narinig, he immediately shook his head. Nahihirapan.
"Ikaw. You're the one I love, Chandy." he tried reaching my hand pero umiwas ako. Lies. "You're the only person who owns me now. Please, believe me. What I did was a mistake.. love.. please.."
Halos hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi niya, paulit ulit sa utak ko lahat ng nakita ko kanina. I always doubt the friendship they have but not to the point I'll think they will betray me like this.."Hindi ako tanga! Bakit mo'ko ginagawang tanga?!"
"No.. love.." he tried to come forward pero umiling ako.
Ayoko. Ayokong hawakan niya ako.
I closed my eyes to harshly wipe every fucking tears pero mas lalo lamang silang kumawala.
"Let's break-up." I whispered..
"No." he objected, voice lacing with fear "Chandy, please.. walang ibig sabihin lahat kanina.. please.." he cried as he kneeled down hugging my waist. Sinubukan kong kumawala pero masyado siyang malakas at pagod na pagod na ako..
Tama..
"Pagod na'ko.. pagod na'kong intindihin ka... Pagod na pagod na akong mahalin ka."
"No.. please, love, please believe me.."
Umiling ako. Sobrang ramdam ko na ang pagod.. gusto ko na lang sumuko.. gusto ko ng umalis..
Ayoko na siyang makita..
He was hugging my waist crying as I achingly willed myself to let go.
"I can lose you.. but I cannot lose myself."
"Chandy.."
"Ilang beses ko kayong tinanong dalawa. I was so guilty dahil pakiramdam ko wala akong tiwala pero dapat pala talagang wala. Ayoko na.. please, Hurricane. Ayoko na talaga."
Bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap niya. He was crying and pleading, there's fear and pain in his eyes pero wala na akong maramdaman..
Dere-deretso lamang akong lumabas. Walang pakielam sa pag-habol niya.
I am just done..
I'm done trying to win his heart.