A new morning came in with its struggles but it was all worth it for my daughter. Days went by with Taehyung and me coming to a decision that we both will be taking turns to spend the day with Tiara. Every morning, I would wake up and mark a cross on days of the calendar. The day for the final hearing of custody of Tiara was coming closer as well. I continued to work from home to make ends meet. I would sometimes stay awake the whole night to complete the pending work.
but somewhere...
I knew...
that wasn't enough.
But I have made myself a promise to work as hard as I could to provide Tiara whatever she needs.
One day, I went to the mall with Tiara again and she came back to me with a packet of her favourite cereal. I didn't added her favourite cereal because they would add up money to the already tight flow of money. I kneeled to her level and said sweetly.
" Honey, we can't take it."
" Why ?" Her smile turned upside down.
" Mom cannot afford it. We will buy something else. Okay?" I tried to lighten up her mood.
She looked dejected and didn't respond.
" Tiara ?" I said lifting her chin.
" Mom will buy it next time, I promise !" I smiled.
She nodded slowly still not looking at me. My smile faded for a second before I picked her up in my arms as I pushed the trolley farther away into the next aisle. I couldn't see Tiara being sad so I got her the cereal she wanted. I sat down on the bed at night counting the money that was left with me. People might think that I am simply spoiling my child. Giving her whatever she needs but that is never my intention. I'm afraid she might choose to stay with Taehyung because he is at a better place to provide her needs.
And I?
I will be...
I will be all alone.
All over again.
I brushed off the thoughts and did the remaining chores for the night. I couldn't sleep in nights. With each passing days, my fear seems to grow bigger. The date of hearing was coming more and more closer. I was more than nervous about it. Sometimes I could wake up in cold sweat fearing my daughter will be gone. I don't want her to leave. I want her to stay.
'She will stay with me.'
I used to tell myself.
Every now and then.
But this wasn't enough.
The fear of losing my daughter
would bud a new question in my mind.
' What if the custody goes to Taehyung ?'
' What if she grows apart from me ?'
' What if she will stop meeting me ?'
' What if she would forget me?'
' What if she would be ashamed of me?'
A burning smell and sudden outburst of food falling out of the pan; got me back to reality. I quickly turned the stove off and took a deep breath. I held my head in my hands. I was going out of my mind. My anxiety was taking a troll on me. I poured myself a glass of water and sat down on the chair. I sipped water gradually to calm myself down.
I decided I will look for another job which will pay me more and give me more money to support myself and Tiara. Luckily, I got a job that will let me take a break around Tiara's school time. I could pick her from school and leave her in the nearby day-care. I don't like that I have to keep Tiara in Day-care but I can't seem to find another way to go back to work without caring about Tiara's safety.
Sometimes, I would get late to arrive and all the kids would leave with their parents. I would see Tiara sitting inside the school with a frown. I would cheer her up sometimes with treats to get a smile on her face but it would go back to frowning once, I would drop her to day-care. It breaks my heart so much when she would sometimes not wave back at me. I have to pull a smile on my face, regardless of whatever happens.
One such day, My phone already had 3 missed calls from Tiara's teacher. I called her back to make sure it wasn't something serious. I was late, my boss refused to leave me but I managed to convince him.
" Hello?"
" Hey, Its Tiara's mother here."
" Ah, yes! Tiara was crying because you didn't come to pick her up." Her teacher explained.
" Yeah. I got a bit late today. I'm arriving there in few minutes." I assured her.
I rushed to Tiara's school but the gates were closed and I saw Taehyung standing in front of it. I walked slowly to him. His stare was piercing and cold. He was angry and it showed on his face. He didn't speak for a few seconds until he lashed out all his frustrations.
" Where were you? Did you know she was crying ?" He asked me angrily.
" I was running late," I replied.
" If you can't pick her up. At least, Tell me to do so. She cried her eyes out." He justified.
" I told you, I was caught up in work," I answered.
" What was such an important work you have to do that you had to let her cry this bad? If you can't take care of her then don't promise to do so."
" Taey--"
" You and your work made my daughter cry. I can't stand it! You know. What? You can go back to your job. I will take care of Tiara."
" Taehyung, I was working hard so that.."
" I don't want to hear your excuse for being late. Have you seen how sad she gets because of you and your stupid job? You never knew because you never asked! You got too engrossed in making money that you forgot that you have a daughter! Have you seen how sad she gets when you drop her in day-care ?" He asked but I didn't reply because I knew he wasn't lying.
I never thought about Tiara and how she feels. I should keep her happy and not make her sad. If only I could know how she feels, I would never make her go through this. My thoughts were building up and blaming me for making my daughter feel so bad today.
" NO! You don't! Because if you got time from your work then you will care for you daughter! If you can't look after her then let me look after my daughter! " He shouted at me, bringing me back to reality before he walked away, leaving me in tears.
That night, I came home and went straight to my room. I skipped the dinner because Taehyung texted me saying he is taking Tiara out for a dinner. I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. The day played in my head like a film reel and tears started escaping from the corner of my eyes. I brushed them off from the back of my hand. I tried to stay strong and not to cry but tears seems to just come out. I got tired of brushing them away so I let it out. I covered my eyes with my hand so I can avoid seeing how lonely I am in this house.
How alone I have gotten!?
How much I'm trying !?
How I am dying a little every day!?
I wish this pain ends sooner.
I don't wanna be in this pain.
Anymore.
I don't wanna be alone.
I cried myself to sleep that night. After that day, I became more precise of things and made sure that I spend quality time with my daughter but some days it was difficult to do so. I was checking my phone during the break and got a text from Taehyung.
' Taehyung: Pick Tiara today on time.'
Since that day, he has been picking Tiara up but recently I get to pick her up from school so it's my turn today. He sent me a reminder like expected. I kept my phone away. I went back to my work after a break and I didn't realize the time. I rushed towards the locker to change my clothes as I realized I was 10 minutes late. My phone kept ringing with some unknown number. It was annoying so I picked it up as I continued to run on my way to Tiara's school.
" Hello," I said picking up the call.
" Hello. Do you have a daughter named Tiara?" a manly voice asked across the phone.
" Yes. This is Tiara's mother speaking." I said as I slowed my pace.
" Hello, Miss. Your daughter met with an accident. I am taking her to the hospital. Please, Come there soon."
I froze in my place.
My heart sunk.
My body went cold.
" W-What?"