Hardins been sleeping almost all day and I've just been sat here watching him. He needs to wake up or he isn't going to sleep tonight so I decide to take a first step and wake him up myself. I sit next to him on the couch and pull the strands of hair that have fallen onto his face back. He smiles in his sleep which only makes me smile.
"Hardin you need to wake up." I whisper.
He stirs but doesn't wake up.
"Hardin" I move my hand back to his face resting it on his cheek. His eyes flutter open and he sits up a bit too quickly making me jump back.
"What are you doing?" He says his voice still laced with sleep.
"Uh nothing. Just waking you up."
"You were sitting next to me with your hand on my face. I thought you were mad at me." I dont want to argue this morning but I know we have to talk about everything.
"I am still mad at you. But I wanted to pretend like everything was normal for a few seconds."
"Do you find it less intimidating when I'm laying down or sleeping to approach me?" He asks.
"I guess so. You always looks so handsome and peaceful when your sleeping. It makes me smile whenever I see your that relaxed."
"How about we try that then. If you feel more comfortable being closer to me that way then you could just slowly move closer and closer so your not so scared of me when im near you." Its a good idea and I think it could work. Baby steps.
"Ok then. We can try that. Molly said something about setting a goal each day like a hug or something so I can get used to it. Also I'm not scared of you by the way." I add.
"We need to talk about everything as well." He gets up from the couch and I move back onto the other chair.
"I know." I sigh. Hardin makes himself some tea before sitting back down in his seat,lying down but his feet off the couch. He pats the space next to him gesturing for me to move closer. I move off the couch and onto the space next to him but still keeping a fair distance between us. He's relaxed and calm as he speaks making me more comfortable.
"So. What do you wanna talk about first?" I ask.
"What you said last night." I was pissed last night and said a lot of things that were on my mind.
"First off. I want you to put the ring back on because I did mean every single word I said to you when I gave it to you and I still intend on keeping my promises." He hands me back the ring and i look at it thoughtfully.
"Then why did you suggest leaving?" Thats my one big question. He promised to be there for me and he ended up hating his father for years after he left them that night yet he wanted to leave himself.
" I think apart of me just wanted to be selfish. If I left then I wouldn't have to face reality and the truth is im absolutely terrified of loosing you and im even more scared of you changing into a different tessa. A tessa I won't love." Thats harsh.
"You also said you would always love me. Your actions are completely contradicting your words." Our voices are still calm which is what is stopping me from moving back away from him.
"I will always love you. But I dont want what happend to you to effect who you are and your positive outlook on life."
"Hardin life is full of changes. We are always changing. Im not going to be the same tessa I was in college same as your not the same hardin as before. We both changed for the better and yes what happened to me will change me for the rest of my life but all I need is for you to be there for me through it all." He brings his hand slowly on top of mine and I dont flinch away.
"I promise I will be there for you from now on. Can I hug you?"
"Baby steps. Can we just try and get on with the day and maybe you could try and be like how you normally would when moving around the apartment. I dont want you to be actively thinking about how close you can get to me. Just dont touch me or make any loud noises and I should be fine." Hopefully I won't freak out.
"Okay." He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it gently. His gesture warms me and I want nothing more than to hold him.But I cant.
B
aby steps. Weve made progress. I actually held her hand for what feels like the first time in fucking years. Im gonna try and do as she said today. Act like im not conscious of the fact that she flinches every time im near her. After a few seconds she takes her hand away and gets up and goes into the bedroom. I make breakfast for both of us and grab my laptop to read over the chapter I wrote last night. I delete most of it because I was mad last night and I dont really write the most nice things when I'm annoyed. I have to keep reminding myself that tess is going to read this book and theres no way in hell I would let her read my first book. She would leave me right now. I walk into the bedroom to see tessa changing. Shes only in her underwear and bra but all I can look at are the bruises that cover her body. I still think we should go to the hospital for her eye. She's definitely going to get a black eye but at the minute it's just a light purple and green around the area of her eyebrow and eyelid. She turns around to see me standing there staring at her bruises she hastily pulls her tshirt on and puts on jeans.
"You ok?" Shes asking if I'm ok.
"Are you?"
"No." She sighs.
"I made breakfast." I say. She smiles and walks past me back into the kitchen. I leave her in there while I get dressed. I sit down next to her on the kitchen stool and I can see shes restraining her self from moving away from me. I move slightly away from her so shes more comfortable.
"What do you want to do today?" We can't stay in here forever and I know she doesnt want me to leave her because she will be on her own but we need food and I need to breathe actual air.
"Nothing. I dont want to do anything"
"We have to do something. You can't stay cooped up here forever."
"Watch me."
"Tess im being serious. How about we go for a walk or something?" I know she doesnt want to but we have to.
"Cant we just stay here?" No.
"No. We need to go shopping as well unless you want to be eating takeout for the next week."
"Sounds perfect" I give her the 'im being serious' look and she sighs.
"Fine but I dont want to be gone for long." I have a feeling we will be inside a lot more than I wanted to be for the next few weeks possibly months.
"Thats fine." A loud bang sounds at the door making tess jump and knock over her water.
"Shit" she huffs. I go to the door and Kim bursts in.
"There you are! I've been texting you non stop. Get your bag were going shopping!" I try and stop her from barging in but shes Kim. She walks over to tess and engulfed her in a hug. Tess immediately goes stiff at her sudden movements.
"Kim stop."
"Whats up your ass?" God she can be so frustrating.
"Kim can I talk to you please. Outside." She looks at me questionably. I know she picked up on how uncomfortable Tess was but she just doesn't know why. Usually tess and Kim are always high maintenance and together they are absolute hell. They are both headstrong and stubborn as fuck. Normal tessa and Kim are hard to handle but DRUNK tess and Kim just makes me want to strangle myself.
"Um ok." Kim goes out the door first and tess quietly whispers 'dont tell her'. What the fuck am I supposed to tell her.
"Whats up? I've never seen you so serious before." She jokes. I honestly don't know what im supposed to tell her.
"Um its nothing serious just could you give us a few days alone and tell Karen and everyone the same." I couldnt be anymore vague.
"Ok you sure everthings good."
"Ye everythings fine its just weve been arguing and we need to figure something things out." The worlds most stupid lie. If we were arguing Kim would know about it because tess tells her everything.
"Sure. Let me know if you need anything." She says before leaving i walk back inside and close the door behind me. Tess is still cleaning up the water that went everywhere.
"She knows your lying." She says.
"But she didn't question me about it." Thats a win for me.
"Ok let's go on this walk."
"Do we have to." Yes.
"Come on. Once we've done it I promise you'll feel better." She rolls her eyes and outs her shoes on. We leave the apartment and I have already noticed she moved closer to me. We begin to walk and of course we live on a busy street where there's a main road right next to us. Shes constantly checking behind her at all times and she moves closer to me when people walk past. This is working in my favor. A car horn sends her flying through the roof and I feel bad for laughing at how much she jumped.
"Its not funny." I know it isnt funny.
"Im sorry I didn't mean to laugh." She shocks me when she links her arm with mine walking next to me. She notices the stupid fucking smile I have on my face just from her linking arms with me. This is so confusing though. Outside she doesnt mind being near me or touching me but when we are inside and aline she avoids me like the plague but one thing I've noticed is that shes ok as long as shes making the move. If I try to hug her or anything she will freak out but when she approaches me she's a lot more relaxed and calm. I think that's the key to getting back to the way we were before. If that's even possible.
I hated that walk. I couldn't stop checking behind me the whole time and flinching or being scared to death at the sound of a car starting. I think it helped but I also am pretty ok with not doing that again for a while. Hardin couldn't stop smiling the whole time as soon as I linked arms with him. I think its because I was more afraid of who was behind me and I found myself gravitating towards him because I knew he would protect me. It doesnt even make complete sense to me but it worked.
"What are you doing? We need to go shopping."
"Baby steps remember. I did the walk today so im not moving now and I dont think a full building of people running around grabbing food and stocking shelves and the loud speakers is the next step." Absolutely not.
"Fine. Are you ok here by yourself for a few minutes. I will lock the door and everything."
"Do you have to go."
"If you wanna eat then yes." I can eat takeout that gets delivered right to me thats already cooked.
"Uh if you really have to. How long will you be gone for?" I could always just lock myself in the bedroom until he comes back.
"10 minutes or something. The shop is only a 2 minute drive."
"Ok. Keep your phone on though" He grabs his phone and leaves. I lock the door and try and occupy myself. So far everything is fine. Im not really on edge or anything so I decide to do house chores.
I find doing jobs around the house oddly calming. Before I know it the living room is tidied I've made the bed and done the dishes just in time for hardin to arrive.
"Told you I would be quick." He says as he puts the shopping on the counter.
I will try and update soon. I've been smashing out these chapters and writing as much as possible. I want to try and update more frequently maybe twice a week. Im not sure yet but let me know how often you want an update. -Anna xxx