"I was right here, just a couple of hours ago," I said. Dave and Aaron had taken me with them to take a look at the crime scene, it was right outside the apartment building. "I must have missed them with, what? Twenty minutes?" I sighed. I should've just stayed in the apartment, I could've heard the gunshot and I could've caught him or I could've.. done something.
"You didn't know," Dave looked at me with those gentle eyes, and it bothered me.
"That's the thing," I breathed. "I didn't know, I thought she was in the apartment when I left, why didn't I know?"
"I don't think we're going to get much from here," Aaron interrupted and stood up from the pool of blood on the ground, Penelope's blood. "We should head back to the hospital and see if Morgan's gotten anything out of Garcia."
We walked to the car and I chose the seat in the back, putting as much distance between Aaron and myself, it felt safest that way. He was always the one I turned to when something bad happened, and I didn't have that privilege anymore. I couldn't risk falling victim to my emotions and seek him out, making him give me special treatment, because I wasn't special, not anymore.
"Hey, kid," I snapped out of my thoughts and met Dave's eyes in the rearview mirror. "You okay? You didn't answer my question."
"Oh, sorry, yeah, I just kind of zoned out, I guess," I blinked a few times to refocus. "What was your question?"
"Did you start playing the piano?" He asked, still looking at me through the mirror.
"What?" I raised my eyebrows.
"You've started drumming your fingers in a certain pattern when you're thinking," he continued. I looked down at my fingers, I hadn't even noticed I'd started drumming them against my thigh.
I sighed and gave him a glare, "fucking profilers," I muttered. "I played the piano when I was younger, I picked it up again when I came to London," I explained. And that's when it all started; the knuckle cracking, the drumming of the fingers, the feeling of not being able to breathe. I left that part out though.
***
"Alex, do you want to come with me and search for fluffier pillows for Garcia?" Spencer asked as soon as we stepped into the waiting room.
I wanted to see Penelope, although just thinking about it made my heart pound harder against my chest, and not in a good, excited kind of way. I wanted to know what happened, and if she was okay, but how was I supposed to face her? When everyone's life journeys separated from my own, when the only heart left beating in the house was mine, she was the one who took me in. And I couldn't even protect her.
Spencer gave me that smile that's almost impossible to say no to. He still has that little sparkle in his eyes, and I admire him for it. After all he's been through, he still remains the same sweet, innocent soul.
"Why? The ones she has aren't good enough?" I asked.
"No, of course not!" He exclaimed. "They are too hard, and don't support her underneath the lumbar region and therefore will cause more pressure on her back."
"Right, forget I asked," I rolled my eyes. "Where are they?" I asked as I pressed the button for the elevator.
"The basement."
"The basement?!" I turned to him and raised my eyebrows. "You do know this is how all horror movies start, right?"
"Well, the pretty one always dies first, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about," he smirked.
"Asshole," I muttered.
I followed him into the elevator, and the doors closed and started to move downwards.
"You want to explain how you found me at the cemetery last night?" I asked, not looking him in the eyes.
"You want to explain the hair?"
"Nope."
"Same here."
"Right, then," I sighed.
We stepped out of the elevator and started to look around the shelves.
"Are we even allowed to be here?" I asked
"Of course not."
It was a mess down there. Towels had been thrown on the floor and the light wasn't very bright. It didn't look very sanitary, considering it was a hospital. I'd had to take this up with Scott, if I ever saw him again.
"I found the perfect one," Spencer held the pillow to his chest and started to walk back to the elevator.
"Hey, I wonder what this does," I pointed to the big button on the wall.
"It's red and has protective glass around it, you shouldn't pre-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence because I pressed the button, and the small light bulb above our heads flickered, and then went out completely.
"Uh oh.. I don't think I should've pressed it," I said, a small panic rising in my chest.
"You think?" He exclaimed, and even though I couldn't see him, I knew exactly what face he was making.
A few seconds later the power came back and I could see Spencer's annoyed face.
"What kind of hospital has the damn power button in the basement for anyone to press?!" I yelled.
"It was protected by glass and it's red, Alex!" He screamed back.
"Hey, don't you scream my name unless it's in the bedroom," I said, pointing a warning finger at him.
"Wha- no- what are you saying? Just stop, let's go!" He grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the elevator.
The ride up was quiet and uncomfortable. I rocked back and forth on my feet, not sure if I should talk or not. I'm not gonna lie, angry Spencer was kind of hot.
"Are you.. thinking about me right now?" He turned to me with a raised eyebrow.
"What? Am not," I scoffed.
"I think you're beautiful, too," he smirked.
My breath got caught in my throat, what the fuck did he just say?
I didn't have a chance to respond before the elevator doors opened and Aaron was standing in front of us.
"Do either of you want to explain to me how you managed to cut all the power in this section?" He asked, hands on his hips.
"I get the feeling that you're annoyed, so I'm going to say no, for the sake of my own safety," I smiled and walked past him.
I glanced at Spencer, who just pressed his lips into a thin line and shook his head.
"Reid," Aaron growled.
"It all started when Alex pushed the red button!" Spencer pointed an accusing finger at me.
I gasped, "snitch."
"Alex," Aaron said warningly.
"I'm colorblind, Aaron! How was I supposed to know it was red?" I defended myself.
"You are not colorblind, Alex," Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose.
"And you're not deaf, either," Spencer said, "I told you it was red."
"Yeah, after I pushed it!" I snapped back.
Before Spencer could defend himself, Morgan came up and put an arm around mine and Spencer's necks.
He was laughing and shaking his head, "we should really partner you up more often."
"Well, the power came back in no time, so I would say no harm done," I smiled, satisfied.
This was my chance to go see Penelope, but I was frozen in place. My feet tingled and my eyes darted around wildly, looking for an escape route. I felt this strong urge to run as far away from the hospital as possible. I couldn't see her, I just couldn't, I had to get out of there.
"We should get back to the office," Aaron said. "However, I think some of you should stay."
Perfect.
"I'll go with you," I said.
Morgan had stayed with Penelope and the rest of us were back at the office, working on victimology. Aaron was standing in front of the board in the briefing room and I sat next to Spencer and JJ. Aaron was talking about what Morgan had said to him, about how the man had approached her in the coffee shop. I was well aware that my leg had started to bounce, but I didn't have the energy to stop, it was soothing in some way.
"Why would they want to hurt Garcia?" Spencer asked, more to himself than anyone else. "Alex, you're a murderer, why would you kill her?"
I winced, "what did you just say?" My leg stopped bouncing and I could feel my heart pounding in my throat.
A sort of snapping appeared in my head, although I wasn't sure it was entirely in my head. My mouth went dry and I could feel my hands getting sweatier.
What the fuck was happening?
"Why would you do it?" Spencer repeated the question.
"I have never killed anyone," I said through gritted teeth.
"You killed Rose, didn't you?" Spencer raised his eyebrows. "And your brother, and Maya, and you almost killed Garcia." He scratched his forehead, "well, it wasn't exactly you who pulled the trigger, you were just the reason the bullet was fired," he said. "But doesn't that make you just as guilty?"
My throat tightened as I was sure I was hearing things, he couldn't have said that, could he? I looked at Aaron only to find that he was already staring at me with this look on his face, like Spencer was right. It was my fault, wasn't it? My father killed my brother because of me, and Maya tried to protect me and she died because of it. He killed Rose because he knew it would hurt me, and he almost got to Aaron. Penelope was my fault too, I should've been there for her. I didn't pull the trigger, but I might as well have.
The snapping became stronger, and with every snap a sentence followed it.
*snap*
What is wrong with you?
*snap*
Why did you do it?
*snap*
Are you there?
*snap*
Hello?
*snap*
What are you doing?
*snap*
Alex?
I winced and my vision became clearer. I was leaning over the table in the briefing room, with Aaron standing above me.
"Hello? Alex? Have I lost you?" Aaron snapped his fingers in front of my face.
I looked at him, brows furrowed, "no," I shook my head, "never."
"I just asked why you think he did it?" He sighed.
"I.. uh.. I don't know yet," I answered, still a little disoriented.
It was just a dream.
"Hey," Spencer whispered from the chair beside me, "are you okay?"
I swallowed, "yeah, sorry, I just fell asleep," I smiled at him. He looked at me as if I had grown a second nose. "What?" I asked.
"You weren't asleep," he said and nodded at the papers on my desk.
I looked down and they were all filled with one word, in my handwriting; I'm sorry.
(Yes, this last bit is inspired by Teen Wolf which I have just started watching and I love it (: )