'Stop touching it,' Dean said, slapping Cas's hand away from his bandages for the thousandth time.
'It's itchy,' Cas complained.
He had been kept in the hospital for a week after his surgery, after a few issues with his blood pressure.
'Do you want them to keep you here longer? Just keep your hands to yourself.'
'Should I keep my hands on you instead?'
'None of that now, your brain can't handle it.'
Cas sighed.
'Don't give me that, I know you're just grumpy 'cause you haven't had my world famous grilled cheese in a while, so let's get you all packed up and go home, okay?'
'Fine.'
He'd been snippy all week, not speaking to the nurses, and getting annoyed when Dean ate his pudding cups.
'You don't even like the banana ones,' Dean pointed out.
'But you can't just take them, you have to at least ask.'
'All right, I'm sorry. Cas, can I please eat your pudding?'
Cas tutted, but let him take them.
To Dean's credit, Cas's thunderous mood didn't phase him at all, and he calmly talked Cas down every time his irritability got the better of him.
Cas was eventually, very carefully, wheeled out to Dean's car, and helped into the passenger seat by both Dean and a porter. The sun dazzled him briefly, and Dean passed him a pair of sunglasses.
'I'm not that bad,' he said irritably, as Dean helped him with his seatbelt.
'Shut up, you just had brain surgery.'
'I don't think it really counts-'
'Dude, there's literally a hole in your skull at this very moment. You're gonna get into semantics with me right now?'
Dean drove slowly and deliberately on the way home, circumventing potholes, and slowing around corners.
Cas rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.
'You don't need to baby me,' he grumbled when Dean forced him into his chair, to be wheeled into the house.
'I'm not babying, I'm being careful. You're not healed all the way yet, so you better believe you're not getting out of bed until I say so.'
'Dean.'
'Sorry, but I'm not taking any arguments at this time.'
Dean sat Cas down on the bed.
'I want to walk around,' Cas complained. 'Do we still have that walker from my physio?'
'You're not walking around, not until you're better.'
'I feel fine.'
'Cas, listen to me,' Dean said, kneeling in front of him. 'You're not fine. You still have bandages on, and stitches in your head. So please, can you just relax? For me?'
Cas tutted, but lay back on the bed.
'I'll make you a sandwich.'
'Fine.'
Hoagie sat at the end of the bed and stared sadly at Cas.
'Don't you start,' Cas muttered.
Dean made Cas a sandwich, but kept himself busy for the rest of the day, checking in occasionally, and making sure Cas was staying in bed. He paced around the room the next morning, debating whether or not he should leave.
'Go to work,' Cas snapped. 'I'm fine.'
'But what if you need something?'
'That's why we hired Tessa. Just go already.'
Dean sighed. 'All right, I'll go.' He leaned over and kissed Cas's cheek. 'I'll see you later.'
Cas huffed and leaned back against the pillows. His phone and a sketchbook had been left on his bedside table in case he got bored, but he didn't really feel like doing anything other than stare at the ceiling. As much as he wanted to, he knew he shouldn't try to get up while he was alone in the house, and huffed again. He turned over, and the wound in his head throbbed. He stopped himself from touching it, but it finally hit him that he'd had surgery. He gasped and put a hand over his mouth. It suddenly occurred to him how badly things could have gone, and that there was a hole in his head. Cas picked up his phone and dialled Dean.
'Cas, are you okay?' Dean asked, alarmed.
'No,' he said, lip trembling. 'I have a hole in my head.'
'Do you want me to come back? I can turn the car around.'
'No, Tessa will be here any minute. I just wanted to hear your voice. And tell you I'm sorry for being so short with you.'
'You got nothing to be sorry for,' Dean said. His voice was distant and crackly, but he was sincere. 'If a guy who had someone drill his skull can't be a little grouchy, I don't know who can.'
Cas thought for a moment. 'I could have died, couldn't I?' he said quietly.
Dean didn't say anything at first. 'There was a chance,' he admitted. 'But it's not the first time we've been in that situation, and I had faith in you.'
Cas bit his lip. 'Did Gabriel feel this way?' He heard Dean sigh deeply.
'There wasn't really much time for him to feel any sort of way. It was quick for him. Are you sure you don't want me to come home?'
'No, it's fine, I can hear Tessa coming in now. Thank you for talking to me.'
'Whatever you need. We'll bust out the laptop and watch movies in bed when I get back, okay?'
'All right.' He ended the call just as Tessa poked her head around the door.
'Hi,' she smiled.
'Hello,' Cas replied. 'I'm sorry about this, I know it's a little more than you signed up for.'
'Don't worry, I'm more than happy to help. I'm going to make you some food, so shout if you need anything.'
'Thank you.'
The rest of the day passed slowly. Cas tried to do some sketches, but he was having difficulty holding his pencil, and eventually gave up. He was more shaky than expected, and tried not to be too embarrassed when Tessa had to help him to the bathroom.
At last, Tessa left for the day, and Dean breezed into the room.
Cas couldn't help but smile. 'How was your day?' he asked.
'Awesome,' Dean grinned. 'These cars are really something, it's so cool I get to work on them. How about yours? Hope you didn't get too bored.' He climbed onto the bed beside Cas.
Cas cuddled up to him, leaning into his shoulder. 'I've got some weakness in my right arm,' he said sadly. 'It's hard to grip things. I couldn't do any sketching.'
Dean frowned. 'Hold my hand.'
Cas fumbled with it, clumsily lacing his hand with Dean's.
'Wow. Okay,' Dean said thoughtfully. 'Don't be worried, we thought something like this might happen. Well, your neurologist did. Something about the position of the bleed... Anyway, we'll get Alex to do some more physio with you. It'll get better, okay?'
'It will?'
'Sure it will,' Dean insisted. 'In fact, why don't we get in some practice now? I've got something you can squeeze.'
Cas laughed for the first time that day. 'I can't. No physical exertion, remember?'
But Dean ignored him in favour of kissing him lightly on the neck and behind the ear.
'Come on...'
Dean then kissed him on the mouth, teasing his lips until he could slip in his tongue. Then, in one swift movement, Dean quickly popped open Cas's shirt. Some of the buttons flew off, and Cas pulled away.
'Now you've ruined a perfectly good shirt,' Cas complained.
'That's okay, it's mine, I won't miss it.'
'Dean, be serious. I can't...'
'I am being serious. Maybe you can't, but I can.' Dean continued kissing him, gently cupping Cas's face.
'But I - I can't - I can't reciprocate.'
'Did I ask you to?' Dean adjusted himself so he could reach more of Cas with his hands. He dropped his voice, so it was husky and low. 'How it usually works, is you do whatever you want to me,' he murmured, punctuating his words with kisses. 'And I let you.'
Cas shivered involuntarily, heat filling him.
'But sometimes, on special occasions. Birthdays... Thursdays... I do this instead...'
Cas stopped arguing, but kept Dean near his head.
'Relax,' Dean whispered, his voice tickling Cas's ear. 'Lay down. I'll take care of you.'
Cas finally relented, and scooched down in the bed.
'I want to make you feel good,' Dean said, his voice now barely more than a breath on Cas's skin. 'Let me make you feel good.'
Cas lay back, sinking into the pillows, and allowed himself to feel nothing but pleasure.
They lay together for a while, Dean's arms holding Cas closely. Cas was almost asleep.
'Some good news,' Dean murmured, stroking Cas's cheek. 'We can take these bandages off tomorrow.'
'That is good news.' Cas didn't open his eyes.
'Mm. You tired already?'
'You got me,' Cas smiled.
'I'll let you sleep.' He carefully lay Cas down on the bed and got up, kissing his forehead before he went.
Cas dozed, and caught snippets of the movie Dean was watching beside him, after he brought their laptop, a bag of snacks, and Hoagie up onto the bed with him. In one of his more aware moments that night, Cas gazed up at Dean.
'Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?' Cas murmured, holding Dean's forearm.
Dean blushed. 'You could stand to mention it more often.'
'I will.'
'Go back to sleep,' Dean said, looking down at him fondly.
'If you insist.' He fell asleep for the night with Dean's hand in his hair.
Dean woke him with pancakes in bed the next morning, and both of them drank their glass of orange juice, then Dean helped Cas to the bathroom.
'Slowly, slowly,' Dean said, holding onto Cas as he got to his feet.
Cas gave himself a moment to get his bearings, before he stepped forward, leaning heavily on Dean.
Dean sat him down in a chair in the bathroom and washed his hands, then carefully started taking off Cas's bandages.
'How does it look?' Cas asked.
'Good. Clean.'
'It's not too noticeable?'
'Nah. You got a lot of hair.'
'Are you sure? I don't want to be walking around with a bald patch on the back of my head.'
'It looks fine to me. Trust me, it could be a lot worse. Last time they thought they might have to do a whole craniotomy and shaved a bunch of it off.'
'All right, I believe you.'
Dean gently cleaned the wound, and couldn't stop himself from running his fingers through Cas's beard. 'How are you feeling? You up for me doing your beard?'
'I'd like that.' He relaxed and let Dean groom his beard for them, then slowly went back to bed, only allowing Dean to hover beside him, so he could try walking by himself.
Dean stayed with him in bed that afternoon as well, only getting up to give Hoagie a quick walk, and to let Alex in.
Alex gave him some gentle exercises to strengthen his arm. 'It'll be as good as new in no time,' she assured him. 'Just make sure you do these every day, but don't try anything too heavy just yet. I'll have a look at it again in a few weeks.'
'Thank you, Alex.'
'Anytime.'
Over the next week, Cas slowly recovered. He spent more time walking around, doing his arm exercises, and his stitches eventually dissolved. Sam visited a few times in the afternoon, sitting on the end of the bed with Mary in his lap. They played word games together, pretending that the games were for Mary.
He couldn't hold his pencil very well, but Alex's exercises gave him the confidence to try it anyway. His sketches were sloppy, but he was happy with his progress, and soon enough, he found himself sketching a picture of the beach. It was the same one as his paintings, with the dry grass swaying in the breeze, only this time he added the silhouettes of two people standing on top of it.
'I like that one,' Dean said warmly, catching a glimpse of it as he passed.
'What is it, Dean?' Cas said impatiently. 'What does it mean?'
'You're so close to remembering, I can tell.'
Cas groaned, but stopped badgering him.
As soon as his doctors, Alex, and Dean gave him the all clear, Cas started preparing himself to cycle down to the beach. He practiced around the garden, making sure that Hoagie was comfortable in the basket. He finally went back to the gym as well, though the weakness in his arm lingered.
Sam visited more and more often once Mary began to talk, and very loudly shouted Cas's name until Sam brought her over.
'I think she likes your voice,' Sam said, as they sat in the living room one afternoon.
'Really?'
'Yeah, I think it soothes her.'
Cas was bouncing her in his lap, and she seemed quite content as he stroked her already thick head of blonde hair.
'So... You and Dean?' Sam asked.
Cas looked at him sheepishly. 'I'm not supposed to tell.'
'But you are?'
'Yes.'
'Cas, that's great news!' said Sam, and Mary laughed.
'Don't tell Dean I told you,' Cas said hurriedly. 'He wanted to do it at dinner tonight, so you have to act surprised.'
Sam chuckled. 'You got it.'
Mary babbled and grabbed at Cas's beard.
'Oh, crap! I mean, oh no!' Sam exclaimed, jumping to his feet. 'I left her diaper bag at home!'
'Watch your language, Sam,' Cas chastised.
'I gotta go get it, I'll be right back.'
Cas bit his lip. He'd sent Tessa home early, since he was spending the afternoon with Sam. 'You'll take Mary with you?'
'She hates her car seat, I'll just leave her here with you.'
'But, Sam-'
'Don't worry, you're great with her. I'll be like half an hour tops. You'll be fine.'
Before Cas could argue further, Sam dashed from the room.
Mary giggled at Cas and waved her arms.
'We'll be all right, won't we?' he said to her, making her giggle again.
Cas walked around with her in his arms, showing her the paintings and singing to her. He wished he had Dean's singing voice.
They eventually circled back to the living room, and Cas was showing Mary the picture of Gabriel on the mantelpiece, when Hoagie barked twice, and sat at Cas's feet.
Cas's stomach dropped, and he looked around the room. They hadn't set up Mary's playpen yet, and Sam had taken her car seat with him, not that Cas would have been able to reach it in time. He grabbed a blanket from the back of his chair, quickly laid it out on the floor, and sat Mary on it. He scrambled over to the other side of the room, and waved Hoagie away, so that he would run out of his dog door and find Jody. He lay down and prayed that it would not be the day Mary started to crawl.
Cas's mouth was dry when he came around. Someone was holding his shoulder tightly, and he could hear raised voices and crying. He remembered Mary and rolled onto his back.
'Stay down,' he heard Jody say.
'Mary,' Cas mumbled.
'She's okay. Sam's got her.'
Cas pushed himself up anyway, so he could see her. Her tiny face was screwed up, and her little hands balled up in fists, waving them around as she cried in Sam's arms. He reached for her but he was too weak.
'What were you thinking?' Jody demanded. 'They could have been hurt.'
'I thought they would be fine!'
'But he isn't, Sam. He can't be left alone with her.'
Jody's words were like a knife to Cas's heart, but he ignored it. All he wanted was to calm Mary's crying. He knew what she had seen, whether or not she understood it.
'Mary,' he mumbled.
Sam brought her over and knelt beside Cas, carefully placing her in his lap.
Cas wrapped an arm around her and gently rocked her. 'Shh,' he whispered. 'It's okay. We're okay.'
She slowly stopped crying, and fell asleep against Cas's chest.
'Thanks, Cas,' Sam muttered.
'Mm.' Cas shuffled backwards, so he was leaning against his chair, and he too fell asleep.
He didn't know how long he was asleep, but when he woke up, Dean was sitting next to him, keeping Mary occupied while she still sat in Cas's lap.
'Are you mad at Sam?' Cas asked immediately, grabbing Dean's hand.
'Only a little,' Dean told him.
'It's not his fault.'
'Yeah, it is.'
'I'm not his responsibility.'
Dean clamped his mouth shut.
Cas hugged Mary and didn't say anything else.
'Maybe we should take a rain check on dinner?' Sam said, from his seat in Dean's recliner.
'Yeah, I think that's best,' Dean grimaced.
Cas kissed Mary on the top of the head. 'Goodbye, my little angel,' he said to her, before holding her up for Sam. He waved to her as they left.
'Cas....'
'Don't,' Cas said, stumbling to his feet. 'I don't like to be reminded of my inability.'
Dean didn't say anything, but cuddled Cas tightly. 'I think you did the best thing you could have done. She was safe, and so were you.'
'I appreciate the thought.' Cas sighed, and sunk into Dean's embrace. 'It hurts me,' he murmured, 'that I can't be responsible for children.'
'I know,' Dean said softly. 'I hurts me too. I don't like to see you upset.'
'I miss my work. I miss... I miss all of it.'
Dean breathed in the smell of Cas's hair. 'Movie night?' he suggested.
'All right.'
'Hey, maybe you could get back at your gardening. It's warm outside and Jody's got some tulips she'd love you to plant.'
'That sounds good.'
Cas tried not to let it get to him, but he still felt terrible when he thought about what had happened with Mary, so he did as Dean suggested, and went back to his garden to distract himself.
He came up to the dining room on a Saturday afternoon, climbing the balcony steps. Dean was at the table.
'You're reading?' Cas asked, surprised.
'Sam sent me some stuff. It's supposed to be Dyslexia friendly fonts, or something.'
'Is it working?'
'It is, actually,' Dean smiled. 'It's not moving around as much as usual.' He glanced up at Cas and frowned slightly. 'What did you come up here for? You need some water, or are you done with the tulips already?'
Cas stopped. His mind had gone completely blank. 'Uh... There was something...' He looked back out at the garden, trying to jog his memory.
'Let's backtrack it,' Dean said, getting up. 'Come on.'
They went back out into the garden, and Dean found where Cas had last been digging, based on the half finished row of tulips beside it.
'Okay, so you were here,' Dean said, 'and there's the tulip you were going to plant. Why did you put it down?'
'I heard a noise,' said Cas. 'I think.'
There was a rustle and a quiet whine from the hedges.
'Like that?' Dean said, creeping towards the hedge. He pushed back the leaves, and revealed a black cat lying under the hedge, with five suckling kittens. She mewled when she saw them.
'Oh,' said Cas.
'She looks real skinny,' Dean frowned. 'Wait here.' Dean ran back up to the house.
Cas sat with the cat. He held out a hand to let her sniff, and gently scratched her under her chin. Her fur was matted, but she purred weakly. 'She doesn't have a collar,' Cas said, when Dean returned with some water, a slice of ham, and a cardboard box.
'Here, try her with these.'
Cas slowly put the bowl of water under her nose, and she eagerly lapped it up, then snatched the ham from Cas when he offered it.
'We should get her to the vet,' Dean said.
Cas nodded, and started to pick up the kittens. 'I know, you don't want me to touch your babies,' he said, when the cat yowled at him. 'But we're going to take care of you.' Finally, Cas gently lifted the cat up and into the box with the kittens.
She didn't put up much of a fight, and chirped when she saw the kittens again.
Cas followed Dean to the car, holding the box in his lap as they drove to the vet. He offered bits of food to her as they went, and watched her closely.
She didn't move much as they went, and only slightly sniffed around when they entered the building.
Finally, they went into an exam room, and the vet lifted the cat back out of the box. He listened to her heartbeat, checked in her ears and eyes, examined all of her paws, and checked her nipples for infection.
'She's malnourished and dehydrated. Definitely in need of a clean, but I'm not concerned otherwise.'
'And the kittens?'
'They're a little smaller than I would like, but I'm not surprised given the circumstances.'
'What will happen to them now?'
'Well, she's not microchipped. Unless someone claims them...'
Cas hesitated. 'Maybe we could... nevermind.'
'What?' Dean prompted.
'I thought perhaps we could foster them until they were old enough to be adopted, but I don't know if I can do it...' Cas looked down at his feet.
Dean rubbed his chin, looking from Cas, to the vet, to the box of cats. 'I think you can do it.'
Cas's head snapped up, confused. 'You - you really think so?'
'Yeah, I bet you'd be great. I'll help you come up with a new schedule. What do you think?'
'I think I would like that very much.'
'How about it, doc?' Dean asked the vet.
'I'd like to keep them overnight, and get some fluids into them, but I don't see why not. It's better than keeping them caged up here.'
'All right, we'll go pick up what we need and come back for them tomorrow. Come on, Cas.'
Dean left his number at the reception desk, in case anything happened, and took Cas to the store, to pick out toys, food, and a nice big cat house for them to sleep in.
They set it up in the corner of the living room, by the window, so the cat could see outside.
Dean then helped Cas with his new schedule, which he texted to Tessa. 'You got it?' he asked Cas.
Cas nodded, reading it over once more. 'I think so.'
He doubted his ability for most of the day, but it all disappeared once he had all the cats in a carrier, and the kittens were squeaking quietly.
They put the bowls of food and water close to the cat house, so the cat wouldn't have to go far for sustenance.
Cas watched them closely, sitting cross-legged on the floor. 'If she isn't claimed...' Cas said, letting her sniff his hand again.
Dean knelt beside him, a hand on his shoulder. 'If she isn't claimed, then we'll keep her.'
'Really?'
'Sure. Why not?' Dean smiled warmly and Cas's delighted expression. 'We can't keep any of the kittens though. We'll have to find homes for them.'
Cas's face fell slightly, and Dean rolled his eyes.
'Okay fine, we can keep one of the kittens. One.'
Cas beamed and hugged Dean. 'Thank you.'
Dean rolled his eyes again, but hugged him back. 'Well, we gotta call her something til she gets picked up. What do you think?'
Cas gazed at her thick black fur, and bright blue eyes. 'How about Grace?'
'Yeah, I like that. Grace it is.'