Alise's POV
I jerk awake from the sound of the doorbell repeatedly ringing. My mouth feels dry and I have to blink my eyes a few times to get a sense of my surroundings. I realize I'm still sitting on the bathroom floor and swallow upon seeing the mess.
The bell rings again and I slowly get up, hearing my knees crack as I extend my legs. As I make my way to the door, I suddenly recall my appearance and simply cover my head with my hood, hoping it hides something.
I breathe out a shaky sigh as I open the door and see Violet with a scowl plastered on her face but her worry doesn't go amiss.
"Is your phone fucking dead Magalise? You disappeared from school and don't even bother checking your texts or phone calls?" she asks with anger radiating from her.
"I-
"You know Alara worries. Both May and I worry. If you're ditching at least let us know." she paces around the porch, with tousled red-streaked hair from the strong wind.
I immediately feel guilt weigh down on a me like a boulder. I didn't think. I just acted.
"After spamming you with texts and calls, we waited four hours because Alara was worried you might just need space. May thought maybe your phone was dead or you just wanted to be alone. We need to know what is up with you Maga - " she abruptly stops speaking and I take it as an opportunity to apologize.
"Vi I'm really sorry. I came home and I fell asleep and my phone wasn't with -
"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" she asks in shock and I realize my hood has slipped.
I open my mouth but no words come out. She steps closer and brushes the hood fully down, gathering my jagged locks in her hand.
"Did ... did you do this yourself?" she incredulously states, her voice going a few octaves higher.
I merely look down not knowing how to respond. I feel like an overwhelming amount of dread and failure come over me.
"I'm sorry," I say.
She stares at me disbelievingly and my voice wavers as I repeat, "I'm sorry."
"Hey." she softly says.
"I'm sorry." I gulp through uneven breaths, feeling my eyes water.
"Come here." she pulls me into a hug, surrounding me in her rose scent.
"I'm sorry," I whisper into her shoulder, as tears trickle down my cheeks.
"It's okay." she hums, soothingly finger combing through my newly cut hair.
After a few minutes of staying in that position, she pulls back and wipes my tears. I see no sympathy or pity written on her face and I'm grateful.
"Stop crying now. You know I barely give hugs so be happy." she glares but I know she's just teasing.
"Right." I sniffle with a small laugh.
"Are you going to invite me inside now?"
I raise an eyebrow and she playfully pushes me to the side, stepping inside.
"I'm making coffee. Go take a shower and freshen up." she commands, walking into the kitchen.
"You know where everything's at?"
"Yeah just go now." she shooes me away.
I nod and make my way to the downstairs bathroom. I wish I didn't cry. I wish I didn't cry in front of her. Now she knows something is wrong for sure.
You were the one who promised to be truthful.
Robotically, I brush all the broken pieces of glass and hair into the dustpan. I sigh when I realize I'll need a new mirror now.
I put it on my mental list and go upstairs to take a shower. The warm water cascades through my hair and down my back. I massage shampoo into my hair and it gives me a small shock just how short it feels. My head is supposed to feel lighter but ironically it feels the opposite.
I feel a sting on my palm and see an angry cut, burning from the water. I rinse out the shampoo and body wash, trying to ignore the persistent stinging. The warmth of the shower makes me stay underneath the water for a few extra minutes before I finally decide to step out.
After changing to sweats and a hoodie, I take my hair out of the claw clip that barely contained it. Unable to withhold taking a look, I glance at the mirror.
It looks horrible.
I look like I went through a psychotic breakdown. No wonder, Vi was stunned into silence.
'God Magalise why are you so stupid? It's not even the fact you cut the hair. It'll grow back. Her touch was years gone. Face that truth.' my inner voice tells myself.
'No.' I still argue, grasping at straws.
I know the memories are the things that matter. And the touch I was so desperate to hold onto was nothing but a memory. But it was still her touch and I miss it. I miss her so much and I will never forgive myself for doing such a thing.
But your impulsiveness and anger is wrong. This is only going to hurt you. It already has hurt you.
Then let it continue to hurt me, because it already has.
I'm suddenly reminded of Jamie. I run to check my phone and see thirteen missed calls and thirty eight messages. Alex has called me twice and texted me once. I open his text rightaway and immediately feel relief yet unease infilter my body.
Alex: Hey Mags, I called you twice but you didn't pick up. I just wanted to tell you he's okay so don't worry. He's sleeping it off right now but in no danger.
I check the time and realize it's close to eight pm. I let out a shaky sigh before sending a quick thank you and heading downstairs to the kitchen.
"You took your sweet time." Vi blows at the steam rising above her coffee.
"I know." I lazily smile.
"You look better." she says, as she passes me a cup.
I hum in acknowledgement and take a sip.
"Careful it's hot." Vi warns.
Nevertheless I take another sip, ignoring her warnings that were non applicable to me.
"It's perfectly fine."
"I will never understand how you can drink such hot liquids. You're seriously gonna burn your throat one day."
"I'll be fine." I shrug with a smile.
"So what happened to your mirror?"
"Oh it broke."
"How?" she drawls after taking a sip.
"I chucked a pair of scissors at it."
"I see."
"Do you know where I can get a new mirror and get it attached?"
"Jesse can do it."
"Really?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Yeah in fact he's on his way. I assumed you'd want to get it fixed as soon as possible and I phoned him an hour ago."
"An hour wow." I slowly nod in surprise at this new information.
The bell rings and Vi stands, "That's him."
"Wait Vi."
"What?"
"My hair. It looks horrible."
"Don't worry we'll go to my Mom. She's done haircutting when she was younger and sometimes still helps at Aunt's salon."
"It's so uneven and some parts are already so short." I sigh in frustration.
"Layers will work well." she assesses with her sharp eyes. "We can go to my Mom tomorrow morning before school. She'll be free."
"Okay." I nod.
Violet scurries to the door and greets Jesse who hauls in tools and a brand new mirror.
"Wow you work fast."
"Of course I do." he smugly replies
I know by now he's noticed my appearance but he hasn't commented on it. I lead him to the bathroom and he begins unscrewing the older mirror.
"So why'd you decide on the shag?" he grins at me.
"It was an impromptu decision."
"A DIY huh?"
"Sure." a twisted smile creeps up on my face.
"I like it. You just need some ... professional touches but it'll do."
"Thanks Jess. Your input is greatly appreciated." I remark sarcastically.
He chuckles and begins to assemble the new mirror.
I make a mental note to find the price online and pay him back because he'll never accept or answerly correctly if I ask him directly.
"Alex told me."
My eyes snap to his. A frown lingers on his lips and he runs a hand through his golden mane of hair.
"I'm sorry Magalise. I'm apologizing from that shit's behalf but I understand how upsetting it might have been."
It takes me a second to formulate a response. "I panicked. I didn't know what to do."
"I know." he agrees in a low voice.
"So what spurred the haircut?"
"To look more badass."
"I see. You sure look badass now." he smirks.
"And I wasn't badass before?" I challenge.
"Sorry let me correct my statement. You look way more badass."
"That's better."
"Okay the mirror is all fixed." he declares, gathering his tools.
"Thank you Jesse. I'm paying you back."
He stops and we have a staredown, until he huffs at my determined expression.
"Fine but I demand a hug as interest."
"A hug? Seriously?"
"Yes now pay up." he opens his arms wide with a silly grin.
I fake reluctance as I slowly inch towards him and he scoffs before trapping me in his hug.
I laugh and hug him back before a smell invades my nostrils.
"Jesse ew you smell! Let me go!" I yell, pushing him.
His shoulders shake as he laughs and after ruffling my 'shag', he finally lets me go.
"This was your plan all along, wasn't it?" I scowl, at his smug expression.
"You figured it out." he gleefully claims.
"What's going on here?" Vi crosses her arms.
"Tell your boyfriend to take a shower."
She rolls her eyes and when Jess steps closer to Vi, she shakes her head no and scurries away.
"I better get going now." Jesse says, heading towards the door.
"Alright. Thanks again, Jess."
"No problem Mags. Take care of yourself hmm?"
"Yeah."
"And don't worry I won't tell Jamie anything."
"Won't tell him what?"
"Anything." he smiles again and I fear he knows more than he pretends to.
"Rainbow c'mere." he yells.
"No." she yells back.
"Xuan."
She lets out an exaggerated groan before marching to the door.
"What?" she scowls. "I'm watching Prison Break and you're interrupting me."
"But you love me."
"I unfortunately do." she rolls her eyes before giving him a quick peck.
"My Mom wants to see you."
"I'll come over on the weekend then." she answers with a smile.
"You guys make me feel single." I say.
"You are single." Violet snorts.
"Hey don't be rude to her." Jesse pulls me to his side protectively. "But you're staying a single pringle okay?" he stares down at me with an evil smile.
"You know I might just get a boyfriend now for you." I smirk.
"Not happening." he firmly states before messing up Vi's hair and running outside before she has the chance to give him a piece of her mind.
"Thanks for calling him Vi or god knows how long I would have procrastinated the job for." I laugh.
"You're welcome." she smirks before concern etches onto her features.
"Are you okay?" she asks, sincerity lacing her voice.
My eyebrows draw together in confusion as to why she's asking so suddenly before it clicks. "Jesse told you about ... " I trail off and she nods, confirming my suspicion.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you."
"Vi are you apologizing to me? Are you okay?" I joke.
"I'm being serious."
What is happening to me? The walls I've ironically put in place to protect me are failing. I am fine. I am not some delicate flower.
Don't lose your fire. Don't lose your fire Magalise.
"Violet I'm good okay?" I tell her. "I was worried for him. I didn't know what he took and assumed the worst but I am fine."
"Fine." she accepts. "But what about Jamie?"
I can't think about him. I don't know what to think. Because every time I see him on the pavement ground, I see her on the hotel floor. Every time I think about her betrayal, I think about his.
"Alex said he's fine. He's sleeping it off." I mumble the last part.
"Ok but that's not what I'm asking."
"I don't know Vi. I need time and space."
"Alright." she nods, before her phone beeps with a text.
She squints at the screen and types out a quick text back. "Mom's calling me. I gotta go but I'll pick you up tomorrow. Early ok? At like 6 am."
I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem to get up.
__________
After Vi left I busied myself with schoolwork. I decided to cook a proper meal for dinner but noticed I didn't have any food. So yes, I went to grocery shop at 10 pm and took the bus home.
The cold was refreshing and the lights from the cars and traffic signals were nice to see. I've always been drawn to nightlife. Although seeing lights does not fall under nightlife, it reminds me of it. I logged all my groceries home and stored everything I didn't need for tagliatelle with peas, sausage, and ricotta cheese ... also known as fancy pasta.
The five hours of rest I got after coming home was enough for my body to reject sleep at night. So I watched tv, had more pasta at 2 am, cleaned the entire house, and hauled in the Christmas tree from the garage.
By the time 6:00 am came around, I was sitting ready for Violet. I dressed myself casual as always but nicer than I'd like to think, with light blue mom jeans and a decent gray hoodie. I wore concealer to hide my eye bags, mascara, and applied chapstick that shone a lot like lip gloss. However, none of it helped the hideous shag I had on my head.
Violet knocks at the door in and I shoot up and grab my backpack, ready to head out right away.
"Hey let's go."
"Yep." I nod, walking alongside her to the car. I realize she's still in her pajamas. It is early.
"How was your night?" she asks, glancing at me as she buckles her seatbelt.
"Productive." I smirk.
A hint of worry registers on her face before she rolls her eyes back at me with a scoff.
"Your Mom wasn't busy or anything was she?"
"Oh, no." she waves off. "She's taking the morning off anyways since Dad's sick."
"Okay." I nod.
We arrive shortly at her home and Cara greets us at the door, ushering us inside.
"Hello Magalise." she smiles.
"Good morning Mrs. H." I smile back, taking my coat off.
"It's gotten pretty cold out, hasn't it?"
"Yeah." I nod. "Usual November weather."
"But you like it."
"I do." I laugh, surprised she remembers.
"For me the only plus is that it means Christmas which means holidays." Vi sighs.
"Oh be quiet. You can isolate yourself in the Sahara for all I care." Cara scoffs at her love for warm weather.
"Come on darling." Cara calls out to me, leading me into a room which I assume is used for salon purposes.
"Sit." she gestures to the chair in front of the mirror and I take a seat.
I've dreaded this moment since yesterday. I don't want her thinking I'm going crazy. I let out a sigh and pull off my hat, letting Cara assess the 'damage'.
"Well." she hums, gathering my hair in her hand. "Layers will do just fine."
"Okay." I nod, in a small voice.
I watch her facial expression from the mirror and her face gives nothing away.
"How is school going?" she asks, combing through my hair. Everything about Cara seems motherly and affectionate, and I'm afraid I won't be able to take it.
"It's going well. Busy."
"I can imagine. And on top of regular school you guys have to consider university."
"Yeah." I nod.
She brings the scissors to my hair and my stomach flips upon the first cut. She works efficiently, snipping, spraying, and combing until she's finally finished twenty minutes later.
She combs it a final time and taps my shoulders. "What do you think?" she asks with a bright smile.
I glance up at my hair and am surprised. I look different. So different. The shortest layer goes to my ear while the longest length is a bit past my shoulders.
"I like it Mrs. H. Thank you."
"It looks great. Short hair definitely suits you."
I smile but it's a sad smile. Mom wouldn't know how I look.
"Magalise." she calls and I turn around in the swivel chair to face her. I knew it was coming.
I can't lie to her. It's not even her sharp catlike eyes that never miss anything or the fact that she most likely already knows. I cannot lie to her.
So before she has the chance to speak I blurt out, "I just wanted to chop it all off." I pause before continuing, "The weight was getting tiring."
"It feels liberating doesn't it?" she nods.
"It did."
"Even if it's only for a few moments, it makes you feel in control. And change can be good."
"What if change has consequences?"
She pauses before speaking. "Magalise do you believe your hair defines you?"
I hesitate before answering, "Yes. It's symbolic."
"It is symbolic," she nods, "- but a symbol is just that. It's a representation of something else. A symbol, your hair, does not define you."
I know she's right. Her words make me feel better. Less like a failure. I feel consequently lighter.
"And remember it's just hair. It grows back right? So why don't we make the best of it?" she says with a huge chesire grin and I stare.
"Okay?" I slowly say in question.
"What do you think of light brown highlights?"
_____
Violet stares at me with her jaw unhinged.
"What?" I ask in trepidation. "Does it not look ok? I thought it looked fine. Decent even. But -
"Shut up. I love it." she grins excitedly.
"Really?"
"Yeah I didn't know you were getting highlights." she gasps.
"Your Mom asked actually."
"It looks good." she nods like a proud mama.
A/N: Something like this yanno
"We missed first period. Let's get going." she yawns.
"Wait what?"
"It's okay we'll be in time for second." she says and I follow her to the car.
I never noticed so much time passed. Well at least I wouldn't have to see him for Psychology.
On the ride to school, I put my hair up into a ponytail but don't loop it all the way through the hair tie.
Shit, it's so short.
"Why are you keeping your hair up?" Vi asks in confusion.
"I don't want to gather unnecessary attention." I wring my hands in unease.
"Okay." she hums. "Yeah it's not that visible but some short strands are gonna fall out from your shag."
"Yeah thanks for that Vi." I roll my eyes.
Upon reaching school, I pull my hoodie closer to my neck and just have a strong urge to drown myself in it. Before I confided in my long hair to shelter me but I can't do that anymore.
The bell for second has rung and students are making their way to classes. I trudge towards English and spot Alara seated already.
"Hey." I murmur.
"Hey stranger." 'Lara stares at me and I know she's angry.
"I'm sorry. I ... I -
"I don't want an explanation Mags. I just wanted to know if you were safe."
"I am." I say with a weak smile.
She doesn't say anything more and before I get the opportunity to speak, Ms. Lombardi begins the lesson. She talks for the entirety of the class, analyzing texts and making room for engaging discussion.
She finally gives us the last ten minutes of class to do our thing and I turn to Alara in an attempt to dissipate this thick tension.
"Alara."
She sighs, running a hand through her raven stands. "I don't know what is going on with you Mags. I'm tired of having to worry all the time."
Her words pierce me and I repeat in confusion, "You're tired of having to worry?"
She opens and closes her mouth, faltering with what to say.
"What does that mean?"
"It means exactly that." she says sharply as if something's snapped inside of her.
"You want the truth Magalise? I'm worried you're going to harm yourself. I'm worried about the state of your mind and the actions it spurs." she points to her head. "The haircut might be nice Mags but I'm more worried about the intention behind it."
She abruptly gets up and walks out of the class and I realize the bell's rung. Slowly still in shock, I pick up my stuff and walk towards the courtyard, needing to be alone. I sit on the round picnic table, tracing the holes with a frown on my face.
Her words make me upset, furious. But the thing that stood out the most, the thing that hurt me the most was the fact that she would think I would hurt myself.
Never in a million years would I have thought she'd assume that about me. The one person that I've allowed myself to trust and confide in is tired of having to worry about me.
I would never harm myself or take such a drastic step.
Because I firsthand know the consequences.
I won't be her. I feel like anger surging through my body but I try to control it. I pick up some snow and see it melt from my heat, consequently freezing my bare hands.
I wish I had a car. I don't want to go back inside so I decide to eat lunch outside with the snow as company.
"Magalise?"
I turn around to see May stalking towards me, with her curly hair swaying as she moves.
"Hey." I attempt to smile as best as I can.
"Why aren't you inside?" she asks incredulously, most likely referring to the cold.
"I just wanted to be out."
"Hmm." she sits beside me. She leans her head into my shoulder and I lean mine on her head.
"I'm cold." she whines.
"Go get your boyfriend's company."
"Mags!" she gasps.
"What?" I snicker.
"Well I rather use my boyfriend for much better things. For now you can be my heat source."
"Oh?" I tease. "Are you asking? Because you're already sprawled on me. Alex might become jealous."
"Pfft. We all know its uteruses before um ... duderuses."
"How creative May." I laugh.
"Well you're laughing." she smugly smiles.
"Why?" I cock my head with a curious expression.
"You were upset. I know you were. Alara looked the same."
"Oh." I hum.
"It's okay you guys will make up soon."
"I know that." I sigh.
But it's the fact that I won't feel the same. I'll think twice now before telling her anything. The thought will always be there.
"I'm always here to talk. If you ever want to. Or just need company you know?"
"I know May. You don't need to tell me that." I smile.
Mayra headed inside after some time while I decided to stay out. My hands were freezing and I sat on them to keep them warm. I didn't want to see anyone or their sympathetic or guilty looks.
Years ago if you told me I'd be sitting alone in a freezing courtyard out of my own will, I'd never believe you. I wasn't the type of person to voluntarily stay alone. I'd be afraid of looking like a loner, constantly keeping some company around.
But now I welcome the feeling of being alone - or rather I've become so used to it that nothing else is more comforting then just me. I don't have to keep up a pretense, be mindful of others feelings, good or bad. I'm in my own presence and don't need to hide.
The warning bell rings and I stay seated for thirty more seconds before reluctantly going inside. As I enter the school again, warmth surrounds me and I feel my tense muscles relax slightly.
I cannot see him. I cannot sit so close to him.
I enter the Art classroom and march towards Alex's seat which happens to be beside William. Yes it's really burned down to him. I hope Alex gets the hint. The farther I can be away from him, the better.
"Why are you here?" a gruff voice says.
I look up to see Liam with annoyance and anger evident across his face and I am in no mood to deal with a douchebag right now.
"I'm just switching with Alex for the day." I sigh, balancing my head in the palm of my hand.
He mutters something incomprehensible but drags out his chair, damaging my eardrums with the high-pitched screeching. I glare at him but he looks indifferent, lazily slouching on the chair and going through his phone.
I see Alex enter the class and we make eye contact for a second before he sends me a small nod. I sigh but the tension is quick to enter my body when Jamie follows Alex inside. I immediately drop my gaze and pretend to write something on paper, feeling my heart traitorously thud in my chest. The second he sees me not in my seat, I can feel his gaze ripping me to shreds.
I cannot look at him. I just can't.
"Got into a fight with your boyfriend?" Liam voices.
I turn to give him a sharp glare and say, "No. He's not my boyfriend."
"Right." he sarcastically remarks.
Is that really how he sees us?
"Well this is amusing."
"No one asked for your opinion." I mutter under my breath in irritation.
"This is a pathetic attempt for avoidance. You're not even writing. At least act like you're doing something important."
"Oh yeah." I snap. "Pray tell what could be so important."
"Just talk to me. It'll make loverboy here jealous."
I get a flashback of that day in the library when I teased Jamie's interest in romance books.
"So you like romance novels?"
He playfully glared at me. "Would you make fun of me if I said yes?"
"Of course not ... loverboy."
"I don't want to make him jealous." I respond in an emotionless voice. "Why are you even talking to me? Since when do you even talk?" I raise an eyebrow, changing the topic.
"I talk, Magalie."
"My name is Magalise." I rebuke.
"Same thing." he waves off.
"Good to know you talk William, but it doesn't make you less of a grumpy old loner."
He glares at the usage of his full name and says, "I talk to limited people. I have friends, Magalise."
"Where are these imaginary friends Liam?"
"They don't go here. Most of them attend Brookesfall."
"Cool." I hum.
"Your silent treatment is probably making him go mad. He looks like he went through some world war." he mutters in wonder.
My heart pangs from his words. I feel like my body is being torn into two. One side of me wants nothing more than to comfort him and myself in knowing the fact that he's okay; to pull him close and shield him.
But the other side is fiercely betrayed. A betrayal unknownst but cutting so deep.
I'm repulsed at myself. Repulsed for becoming so attached. Feeling nauseous at the fact that I fell in this trap of vulnerability. How can I shield him when I can't shield myself?
"What did you do to him Mags?"
I shake with rage and venom laces my voice when I grit, "I didn't do anything."
"Woah calm down." his eyes widen. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. It's not my business."
I don't say anything but immediately feel guilt collapse in my body. Why am I being so rude?
"I'm sorry." I mumble.
"Whatever. I'm supposed to be the mean one here. Not you." he claims.
"So does this mean I have elite status now that you're conversing with me?"
"Get over yourself." he scoffs. "But I guess you're slightly - just slightly, better than all these idiots."
"Wow I'm honoured." I fake an excited gasp, causing him to roll his eyes.
____
Classes finally ended and I briskly walk out of the school, realizing that it's snowing. It'll take me probably five minutes longer to get home now. Great.
I'm crossing the parking lot when I hear a voice yell out, "Magalise!"
I turn my head and see Alara waiting for me at her car. I pause for a second before trudging towards her as I zip up my coat.
"Hey I don't need a ride today. I'm gonna walk." I say neutrally, not wanting a confrontation.
"No Mags that's not why I'm waiting for you. I-I wanted to apologize." she wrings her gloved hands.
My eyebrows slightly rise in surprise but I look away, crossing my arms. My boots have become suddenly interesting.
"About what?" I shrug.
"I am not tired of having to worry about you. My worry can be unnecessary but you're my best friend and it hurts me knowing that as much as you can deny it, you're not okay sometimes. I always assume the worst of every situation ever since Leo's OCD. It might have pros but it has consequences. Yesterday when -
I interrupt her, "Yesterday was my fault. I shouldn't have just left like that but -
"No." she firmly cuts in. "I know what happened yesterday and I am so fucking angry at myself for what I said and that hijo de las mil putas but nevermind that, I made it about me when it was supposed to be about you."
"Alara -
"Shut up Magalise and let me talk." she snaps but then lets out a nervous airy chuckle, and I raise an eyebrow in amusement.
"I'm going to be honest with you." she becomes serious now. "I feel like a bystander sometimes. I know you don't want to hear this but you need help and support. And what good is it doing that I know you need help but I'm not giving it to you. I'm not pushing you."
I smooth my flyaways and sigh in frustration. "Okay you need to listen to me. I would never harm myself Alara. You need to first get that through. I-I'm not her okay?" my resoluteness wavers but I had to get it out.
"I-
"Hold on." I raise a hand. "Why ... do you feel like I need help?"
"Because Mags this isn't normal. Flashbacks, nightmares, not being able to sleep."
"But it's my normal."
"It shouldn't be!" she argues. "You've gotten so used to them that years later nothing has changed. Your nightmares have only increased."
I open my mouth but she beats me to it. "When was the last time you got a good eight hours of sleep?"
I stay silent not because I don't have an answer but because both of us already know.
"Tell me, do you not want to get better? Not have to second guess everything you do?"
I look away, watching the snowfall and kids getting into cars.
"Please?" her voice cracks and I realize how much I'm hurting her when I glance into her glossy green eyes pleading with me.
"Fine I'll talk with Cara."
'What are you doing?' a voice screams in my head.
"You will?" her eyes widen.
"Yeah." I hum and her lips tug into a big smile as she tackles me with a hug. She squeezes me tight and the consequences of what I just did comes weighing down on me.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
She pulls back and I force a smile on my lips.
"Are you coming or you still wanna walk?"
"I'm gonna walk."
"You sure?" she asks in concern.
"Yeah I like this weather." I assure.
"Right ok if you get frostbite don't complain to me."
"I'll make sure to not do that." I roll my eyes.
I wave a goodbye at her at begin my walk, face down with my hands stuffed in my pockets. The crowd has cleared quite a bit with some kids still lingering around, waiting for their parents to arrive.
I didn't want Alara to worry. I didn't want to become more of a burden then I might be already. So I agreed to her pleading.
I have to see Cara now. As nice as it was to talk with her this morning, I'm afraid. I don't want to talk to her.
'I don't have to get 'therapy' I'll just talk to her right?' I think, trying to reassure myself.
I let out a frustrated sigh and massage my temples. Suddenly I hear the sound of walking behind me and slow down, moving to the side in case anyone would want to pass.
"Alise."
I freeze in my steps at his voice. It's a soft plea, my name rolling off of his tongue gingerly.
It's him.
The pine and spice scent in the air confirms it.
I swallow harshly still unable to turn around. Biting my lip, I keep my gaze trained on the snow covered sidewalk with different imprints of footsteps.
He walks closer until I know he's right behind me. The sound of car tires on slush surrounds us and then I feel his hands gently undo the half-loop of my ponytail. His fingers brush against the nape of my neck almost making me shudder from the intensity. He keeps one hand cautiously on my head and slides down the hair tie until all of it comes tumbling out.
"You cut your hair." he murmurs after a long while and I inhale sharply.
My heart pounds in my chest fiercely as he stares at it. He combs through it delicately, before gathering it all in his fist.
"And dyed it." he adds, following the light brown streaks with the tips of his fingers. I feel such an overwhelming amount of butterflies, it hurts.
"It looks good short." he quietly says.
'But you liked it long.' my body screams.
Immediately another flashback comes to mind, when I baked lemon bars with Jamie.
"Yeah yeah, now I have to take a shower. I might just chop all of this hair off." I muttered.
"Don't ever cut your hair. It looks nice long." he told me, reaching up to play with a strand of my hair.
"What really?" I mumbled, completely taken aback.
"Yeah." he said softly.
"I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." he clears his throat and I feel a twinge of pain.
He combs it together and I close my eyes feeling such unbridled confliction tear me apart, that it brings the onset of tears. He loops the hair tie twice and runs his hand down the short length of the ponytail, before stepping back.
"I'm ... going to go." he states awkwardly.
I can just imagine him rubbing the back of his neck.
"Bye Alise." he says in a low voice.
His hushed voice echoes in my ears before it weakens and so do the sound of his footsteps, as he walks farther and farther, putting the distance between us I desired.
__________
A/N: Hello beautiful people. So what did you think of this chapter?
Comment on what you liked!
Any feedback?
How do we feel about Jamie?
Alise?
And since you're already here you might want to hit that star.
I'm sorry for the late updates. I'm trying to write whenever I can but it's becoming difficult with school. I'm so ready for 2020 to be over.
Also I just wanted to say that I know my chapter lengths can be rather long. My average is like 5500 and this one alone is around 6000. I do this on purpose. I know that chapters should be around 1000-3000 words but I give updates like a week after or longer sometimes. I rather give you guys something lengthier after waiting for so long than short lengths.
Do you guys like the long lengths?
Anyways how is everyone? I hope you're all staying safe and working hard. Tell me something you did this week?
I love you all
p.s. this pic reminds me of that hair scene 😩