It looked like we were in a staring contest. I was still nervous kung ano ang magigising sagot niya.
Baka mamaya... isipin niyang pinagti-tripan ko lang siya or what.
"Maniniwala ka ba kahit noong ikaw 'yung umamin... pinagdudahan lang kita?" I asked again when he just remained silent.
"Ano ulit? Makiulit nga."
I closed my eyes and sighed. I was so serious and having an anxiety here noong sasabihin ko na sa kaniya na what if gusto ko rin siya tapos 'di niya pala narinig?
"Narinig ko. Gusto ko lang marinig ulit kasi baka nabibigla ka nanaman."
"What if... I like you, too?"
"What if lang," he smiled bitterly and looked away.
"You misunderstood me, Pocholo!" I didn't talk until he looked at me again. "I said... pa'no kung gusto na rin pala kita? Maniniwala ka ba?"
"Lagi naman akong maniniwala sa 'yo."
Ito nanaman siya sa mga nakakabigla niyang mga salita.
"Really?" When he nodded, I collected all my confidence to utter those words that I practiced in my mind earlier.
"I like you, too, Pocholo... and I am sure about it. Kahit hindi ko alam exactly kung bakit. Ikaw naman 'yung nagsabi mismo, 'di ba? Na hindi naman lahat ng bagay ay kailangang may dahilan."
He pursed his lips. I can also see an amusement on his face.
"Joey, makinig ka sa 'kin," he came closer to me, still carrying Andrew in his arms. "Hindi naman ibig sabihin na 'pag gusto kita... dapat magustuhan mo na rin ako."
I fought his stares. Kung kanina naguguluhan at maraming tanong ang tumatakbo sa isip ko, ngayon... sigurado na 'ko.
Siguradong sigurado na.
"No, Cholo," I looked at him, hoping that he won't think na nagustuhan ko lang siya dahil sa umamin siyang gusto niya ako.
Hindi gano'n 'yun.
"You listen to me. I like you, okay? Even before... corny and you might laugh at me, pero sa t'wing sobrang lapit mo sa 'kin... everytime you hold my hand, or even just my wrist, kahit simpleng bagay lang na gawin mo sa 'kin... there were always butterflies in my stomach and my heart was always thumping so fast." His ears turned red. "And you... you're the only one na nakapagpadama sa akin ng ganito."
He didn't talk. "Believe me or not - it doesn't mater. What matters to me ay 'yung malaman mong hindi lang ikaw 'yung nagkagugusto rito." I added.
He was about to talk to me when Andrew's head moved. I thought he will wake up pero nakatulog ulit siya noong himasin siya sa ulo ng Tito niya.
"Kailan pa?" He interrogated.
"Actually, 'di ko rin alam." I bit my lower lip as I fought with his stares. Kinakabahan ako dahil baka isipin niyang tini-trip ko lang siya. "Siguro last week or last month pa. I don't really know. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit kita nagustuhan. Maybe we're different from each other pero sometimes we also share the same thoughts. I don't know! Pero... ikaw na nga ang may sabi na hindi lahat ng bagay ay kailangang may dahilan. Paulit-ulit ako rito, ha." We laughed together.
He removed his stares at me. Akala ko ay magagalit siya but my heart jumped when I saw how he hid his smile. Talo siya, nakita ko pa rin 'yung ngiti niya.
Ang rupok naman pala ng lalaking 'to.
"Ikaw, ah. Kinakabisa mo pala 'yung mga sinasabi ko," my brows furrowed. Okay, medyo tama siya pero 'di ko naman kinakabisa!
Inalis ko nalang din ang tingin ko sa kaniya at tumingin sa tapat namin. We can see some city lights not too far from here. I put both of my hands on the railing and relaxed my self with the cold wind. Nakatingin lang din si Cholo sa harap niya.
"Ikaw, kailan pa?" Now, I was the one who asked. Agad naman siyang tumingin sa akin at ngumiti.
"Katulad mo, hindi ko rin alam. Pero habang tumatagal, doon ko nalaman na gusto na pala talaga kita."
"So parang love at first sight 'yung sa 'yo?" I jokingly asked as I merely looked at him.
"Wow, ah! Paano akong mala-love at first sight kung unang-una palang na pagkikita natin, sinungitan mo na agad ako?" He laughed.
"Kasi naman you're so annoying before!" I coudn't hit his arm dahil baka magising si Andrew. I must be grumpy but I just laughed dahil nahawa na rin ako sa kaniya. "E, ano naman 'yung nagustuhan mo sa 'kin? My grumpiness din na nirereklamo mo ngayon?"
"Oo, isa na 'yun sa mga nagustuhan ko sa 'yo."
"I thought ayaw mo sa 'kin kasi maarteng mayaman ako? Ako pa 'yung scam, huh?" His cheeks became red. Napaka-soft talaga nito.
There was silence again. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang tahimik at tanging tunog lng ng crickets ang maririnig dahil nasa lima lang ata 'yung kasama namin dito at 'di rin sila gano'n kalapit. The whole time of us having a silence again, I was so tempted to ask this question.
"So..." ayan nanaman 'yung mapupungay niyang mga mata.
"So ano?" He asked noong hindi ko natuloy 'yung itatanong ko.
"So... tayo na?"
I thought I was so confident at hindi nakakahiya 'yung tanong ko na 'yun but as I saw him being shocked and his ears became red, I just wanted to bang my head on the wall. O sa bakal nalang nakaharang dito. Nakakahiya.
"Agad?" He asked in a low voice.
Fuck.
Nakakahiya.
"I-I don't know, sorry," he laughed a little. I looked back at him and he was just watching every move I made.
Come on, Joey! Walang nakakahiya sa tanong mo. You're just curious, okay? Walang masama sa tanong mo.
Hindi ko rin kasi talaga alam how these things work. When I had my first relationship which was noong senior high nga ako, hindi naman ako niligawan or what nung freaking manipulative na lalaking 'yon. Noong sinabi kong crush ko siya, I was just shocked when he introduced me to his friends as his girlfriend. Hinayaan ko nalang dahil wala naman akong kaalam-alam sa mga ganitong bagay before at parang wala lang naman kami noon.
"Since we already confessed our feelings for each other, there are only two options," he didn't talk pa rin at nakatingin pa rin sa akin. Okay, ako ang madaldal ngayon. "We have two options. It's either tayo na... or you will court me first, I guess?"
Saan ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob ko ngayon? My anxiety said 'good bye, Joey!'
Ilang minuto pa akong naghintay ng sagot niya. Naiinip na ako pero I told myself to be patient.
"Ano na? Have you already changed your mind? Ayaw mo na ba sa 'kin?" I interrogated. "Ayaw mo ba'ng naghihintay kaya ayaw mong manligaw? Ayaw mo rin ng commitment kaya ayaw mong maging tayo?" Gosh, I was overthinking things again.
"Gusto kong mangyari 'yung parehong sinabi mo."
"E, bakit hindi ka sumasagot d'yan?"
"Hindi pa rin kasi ako makapaniwala na gusto mo rin ako," then the redness in his ears appeared again. I pushed him a little on his shoulder and rolled my eyes.
Really, he's different from other guys. Kung ibang lalaki 'to, siguro mataas na ang tingin sa sarili niya o kaya naman ay wala lang reaction 'pag sinabi kong gusto ko rin siya.
And that made me like him more.
Totoong tao pa ba 'to?
"So, ano nga? You choose."
"Tinatanong pa ba 'yan?" My knees felt weak after hearing those words from him.
Ano? So, kami na agad-agad?
"W-What do you mean?"
"Siyempre liligawan muna kita... if that's what you want. Pero okay ako sa ligaw muna kasi mas makikilala natin 'yung isa't isa 'pag gano'n and iyon din 'yung tinuro sa 'kin nila Tatay."
My negative thoughts on my mind suddenly disappeared after hearing his choice. Akala ko ay siya 'yung tipo ng lalaki na agad-agad, kami na. Kahit pa binigyan ko siya ng dalawang choices, of course gusto ko 'yung liligawan muna ako.
Para sa 'kin, mas worth it ang isang bagay kung paghihirapan talaga tsaka 'yung 'di basta-basta nadadaan sa madaling proseso.
"Mabuti iyan 'yung pinili mo." I chuckled.
"Bakit?" He frowned.
"Kasi siyempre... akala ko tayo na agad-agad, e. Mas maganda pa rin kung mararanasan ko 'yung maligawan."
"'Di ka pa ba naliligawan?" There was a hint of amusement in his voice. I nodded.
"Kinakabahan na tuloy ako," he said.
"Don't be," I gave him a genuine smile and he smiled at me too... like he was smiling at the most beautiful scenery he had ever seen.
***
"Kailan start ng exam n'yo?" I asked before I put the fries inside my mouth.
Katatapos lang ng class ko and we were eating sa KFC. Pero hindi na malapit sa UST, dito na malapit sa Ateneo. Medyo nauna lang matapos 'yung class ni Cholo kaya naghintay pa siya bago ako makalabas ng campus.
"Next week pa yata, 'di pa kami nai-inform, e. Kayo ba?"
"This week or baka next week din," I answered and my brows furrowed when I spotted a smile on his face. "Why?" I asked when he laughed at me.
"Halatang gutom ka," he chuckled while he was removing the dirt near my lips. "'Di ka ba nag-lunch?"
"Nag-lunch ako," I responded.
Almost two weeks na ang nakakalipas simula noong umamin ako sa kaniya sa Intramuros at sa two weeks na 'yun, ganito lagi ang set-up namin. Lagi niya 'kong sinusundo 'pag nauunang matapos 'yung class nila kaysa sa 'min. Tapos kapag naman mas nauunang matapos 'yun sa amin, sa coffee shop ako tumatambay just to see him.
Hindi ko pa siya mapuntahan sa UST dahil hindi ko pa nakukwento kahit kaynino 'yung about sa amin ni Cholo. Even my best friend, Denise, did not know anything about this.
Feeling ko naman hindi ako mapapagod sa ganitong set-up namin. Ewan ko ba. Habang tumatagal... lalo lang akong nagkakagusto sa kaniya.
And I won't ever regret na umamin ako sa kaniya.
6 P.M. pa ang duty niya sa cafè kaya naman we decided na mag-stay pa nang matagal dito sa KFC. 'Di naman nasayang ang oras namin dahil nagtanungan kami about our lessons na pwedeng mapasama sa exam. Funny how we managed to ask each other kahit pa magkaiba kami ng tine-take na course.
Minutes had passed and nakita kong dumating na si Manong Oscar. Kapag kasama ko si Cholo, Manong already knew where to go. Ibababa muna namin siya sa coffee shop then doon palang ako uuwi. Sayang pamasahe niya kung magco-commute na naman siya pabalik ng España. I already told him na ayos na ayos lang sa akin na hindi ako sinusundo pero masiyado siyang makulit. Sabi ko sa kaniya na mapapagod lang siya pero ang sabi niya lang ay hindi naman daw siya mapapagod basta makita niya lang ako na ligtas. Ang kulit talaga.
When I saw na malapit na kami sa cafè, dali-dali kong nilabas mula sa tote bag ko 'yung plain na navy blue tumbler na may nakalagay na 'Fighting, Future Engineer!' Plain navy blue lang 'to noong binili ko and ako mismo 'yung naglagay nung white lettering. Cursive siya.
He was always the one cheering me up and sobrang effective nun kaya naman gusto ko ring ma-motivate siya. Napaka-hard working niyang tao. Ako nga na 'di nagpa-part time, sobrang hirap na sa acads. Pa'no pa kaya siya na hatinggabi nang uumuwi tapos may mine-maintain pang grades dahil scholar?
Grabe lang. Cholo deserved more love. He deserved someone who will help and motivate him.
And I wanted to be that someone.
"Mag-dinner ka, ha?" I heard him said before he opened the car door. Nasa coffee shop na pala kami.
"Yeah, sure. Pero ikaw ang mas may kailangan ng dinner." I pointed at him. He just chuckled and nodded at me.
"I have something for you, UST boy," I smirked at him and kinuha na 'yung water bottle sa gilid ko.
When he saw what I was holding, he became shocked. Was it normal to give someone a stainless steel water bottle? Pero kasi ito talaga 'yung naisip kong ibigay sa kaniya dahil he needed more water and lagi pa siyang bumibili ng tig-10 pesos na bottled water. Mas magastos 'pag gano'n.
"You should drink more water, Cholo," I told him as I gave him the watter bottle. "Wala pang laman 'yan but I already cleaned it bago ko pa sulatan. Lagyan mo na agad ng water 'yan pagpasok mo, ha?"
"Ikaw 'yung nagsulat nito?" He asked. I can't help but laugh at his expression.
"Yes," I chuckled. May tinatago rin naman akong artistic side, 'no.
"Thank you, Joey! Mukhang malalasing na 'ko sa tubig nito."
"Baliw."
Ilang beses niya pa 'kong ininis na mahilig din daw pala ako sa lettering lettering bago siya makuntento at pumasok na ng coffee shop. Nang makapasok siya, alam niya yatang nakatingin pa rin ako sa kaniya 'cause he just turned around at my side again at kumaway pa mula sa glass door. Baliw talaga.
While we were on our way home, I didn't expect Manong Oscar to ask such things.
"Mukhang mas nagiging close kayo ni Cholo, ah, ija," he laughed and there was a pang-iinis in his voice. "Nililigawan ka na ba n'ya?"
Oh, gosh. I wasn't prepared for this.
"Uh... please, Manong, let's keep it a secret muna po. Cholo's already courting me. Kayo palang po ang nakakaalam."
I didn't know what was the right word to use. Ayokong ma-misinterpret nila and isiping tinatago ko 'yung panliligaw ni Cholo. I just wanted some time. Especially 'pag sa parents ko na sasabihin ang tungkol dito.
I was afraid of the consequences.
"Makakaasa ka, ija. Atsaka, alam kong mabuting bata 'yang si Cholo," he added. Para naman akong nakahinga nang maayos when Manong agreed to keep this as a secret muna.
Pagkarating sa mansion, I didn't expect to see my parents already at home. Madalas ay weekends ko lang sila naabutan na nandito sa bahay.
"Hi, Mom, Dad," I kissed them both on their cheeks. Nakasuot pa rin sila ng formal attire so kauuwi lang din nila.
"How's third year?"
It felt like my feet were glued on the floor and my mouth was shut I couldn't utter a word.
I knew something's wrong. Hindi basta-basta nagtatanong si Daddy about my college life kapag ganitong mga normal days lang. Something's really weird.
"Joey?" My Mom called me.
Why was I scared? Wala naman akong dapat ikatakot dahil wala akong matandaang may bagsak ako.
"I-It's great, Dad." I forced a smile on my face.
He nodded. I thought he was already finished interrogating me but I was wrong. "Do you have any guy friends in UST?"
Damn.
Ano'ng connect? Bakit biglang napunta about my social life?
"Y-Yes," then he nodded again. Cholo was not just my friend. But I knew that it was not the right time to tell them about me having a suitor. They will be mad for sure at walang maitutulong iyon.
"Can Aeron wait for you to finish your last class so that you could go home together? He's in Ateneo, too."
My forehead creased. What the hell was my father talking about?
"Sorry? But, Dad, we're not even blockmates. It's impossible na magkasabay palagi ang sched namin," I tried to maintain my normal and respectful voice.
I knew I could go overboard anytime and my thin patience will just make me disrespectful kaya hangga't maari ay kinakalma ko ang sarili ko. Hearing Aeron's name made my blood boil.
"I know Aeron can wait," pagpilit pa niya.
I shook my head, "No, Dad. Manong Oscar's already there. Hindi ko na kailangan pa ng ibang kasabay sa pag-uwi."
"If you say so," he shrugged, looking disappointed that I declined his idea na sabay kami sa pag-uwi ni Aeron.
I already had Cholo. Why look for someone else?
Nagpaalam na ako sa kanilang aakyat na ako 'cause I had loads of books that I needed to read. Hindi naman na nangulit pa si Mommy na sumabay ako sa kanila sa dinner. Maybe she noticed how stressed I was para kumbinsihin si Dad na hindi ko kailangan ng ibang kasabay.
I was on the half part of the stairs when my Dad suddenly spoke up again.
"Dinner with the Hernandez. Tomorrow, eight in the evening."
I turned to looked at them with my confused face. "Again?"
"Yes. Dress decently tomorrow night, Joey. I won't accept a no from you."
I stared for a minute and merely nodded dahil alam ko namang wala akong ibang choice. Hindi natuloy ang dinner namin with the Hernandez before because of some business emergency kaya siguro pinagpabukas nalang ang dinner.
Oh well, fuck.
Upon entering my room, I got my phone from my tote bag and saw some notifications.
UST Boy
3 messages
Yep, I already changed Cholo's name in my contacts. Baka magtampo pa 'pag nakita niyang 'Freaking UST Boy' ang contact name niya rito before. At least ngayon, wala ng 'freaking'.
From: UST Boy
Ingaaat
Nakauwi ka na?
Text nalang ulit kita mamayang mga 11. Dami ng customers. Nagloloko wifi sa cafe di ako makapag-IG
I saw myself smiling when I looked at the huge mirror in front of me. Tsk, ang daldal talaga nitong lalaking 'to. I also saw that his messages were sent pagkaalis na pagkaalis palang namin sa cafe kanina.
To: UST Boy
Hey, yep, nakauwi na ako
Drink more water! Magbabasa muna ako.
I was about to go inside my bathroom to take a half-bath when I received some messages again - but it was not from Cholo. I frowned when I saw that the messages were from Aeron.
From: Aeron
Are you coming tomorrow night?
Hope to see you there.
Can we talk?
Joey??
This was so frustrating. Mukhang napasama na sa list of stressors ko si Aeron na dati ay kaibigan ko.
To: Aeron
I am busy.
And then I immediately turned off my phone.
After I took a half-bath, dumiretso na agad ako sa study table ko at ipinatong na doon lahat ng mga babasahin ko. The exam's already near. I needed to focus more.
While reading, hindi ko mapigilang maisip nanaman si Cholo. I was so concerned. Paano 'yung upcoming exams niya? Makakapag-review ba siya nang maayos? E, may work pa siya sa coffee shop. I knew it would be exhausting. Ano'ng pwede kong maitulong sa kaniya?
Pinilit kong mag-focus at ibalik ang atensyon ko sa binabasa ko. Kung hindi ako makakapag-aral nang maayos, alam kong malulungkot lang si Cholo lalo 'pag nalaman niyang siya 'yung inaalala ko.
Para sa inyo 'to, Joey. You can do it.
"The profit derived from a project or business enterprise without consideration of obligations to financial contributors or claims of other based on profit."
Cholo tapped his fingers on the table, thinking of the correct answer doon sa tinanong ko sa kaniya. Nandito nanaman kami sa KFC and nagtatanungan ulit kami nung mga na-review namin but we're more serious now than yesterday.
"Economic return?"
"Ba't parang 'di ka sure sa answer mo? You must be sure about it!" Sermon ko. There was an amused smile on his face. "What? Seryosohin mo nga, Pocholo!"
Though, correct naman 'yung sagot niya. Mukha lang kasi talaga siyang chill at 'di ninenerbyos sa exam nila. Wala akong maintindihan ni isa rito sa tinatanong ko sa kaniya, lalo pa 'yung ibang puro numbers. Kumukuha lang ako ng tanong sa lectures nila. Gano'n din naman siya sa 'kin pero bihira ang numbers.
"Sineseryoso ko naman, Miss Sungit," he bit his lower lip to stop his self from laughing. "Mas masungit ka pa kasi kaysa sa prof ko."
"E, bakit kasi 'yung tono ng pagsagot mo, parang 'di ka sure?"
"Hindi ako mas'yadong nakapag-review pagkatapos ko sa cafe. Lagpas 1 A.M. na kami natapos sa dami ng customers." He sipped on his pineapple juice. Oldy na ba 'tong kasama ko? Mas gusto niya pa ng tubig or pineapple juice kaysa soft drinks.
"I'll help you," I smiled at him. God, I wanted to help him so much. Kung mapungay ang mata niya noon, mas mapungay ngayon dahil sa sobrang puyat niya.
Pero parang mas fresh pa siya sa 'kin dahil kahit may eyebags siya, ang gwapo pa rin talaga niya. His lips... hindi man lang ba niya naranasan ang mapagkamalang maputla? This guy's really driving me crazy.
I shook my head a little at naghanap nalang ulit ng itatanong sa kaniya bago pa ako makagawa ng kung ano pa mang kahihiyan. Nagtaka naman siya kasi bakit siya ulit 'yung tinanong ko pero hindi ko nalang iyun pinansin.
Noong ilang beses niya nanamang masagot nang tama 'yung mga tanong ko, nagtataka na 'kong tumingin sa kaniya. "Scam! Akala ko ba hindi ka nakapag-review nang maayos?"
"Stock knowledge lang 'to, Joey." He laughed a little.
"Sana all may nai-stock na knowledge," I sarcastically said and nagpatuloy na kami sa pagtatanungan.
The same routine. Manong Oscar arrived then hinatid na namin si Cholo sa coffee shop. I saw that he brought his water bottle, too. Aba, dapat lang. Puyat na nga siya tapos made-dehydrate pa? How unhealthy. Mabuti nalang he's responsible rin kaya hindi niya napapabayaan ang sarili niya.
God, kailan pa ako naging concerned sa buhay or kalusugan ng ibang lalaki? Ganito na ba talaga kalakas 'yung epekto sa 'kin nitong UST boy na 'to?
***
#DahilanChapter26