Trigger warning- there are sensitive scenes of self harm and panic attack.
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Freed sits on the sofa now dressed nicely and ready to be interviewed, Jungkook still had his dark glasses on, he didn’t want to be the part of interview and asked if they could just leave him be but the agency remained quite strict with it, being quiet and just doing what they had to, so Jungkook remains there emotionless, the interviewer of a famous magazine greets them, and then starts asking the questions the camera focusing on them, it was not their first time to be interviewed so they were pretty normal with it. It started with light questions on how they feel about their growth and breaking records and what is their reaction to fan’s love towards them, but soon it started turning sour as the interviewer changed the path of questions- “How does it feel like to be only on sidelines when the lime light is taken by the lead?”
The group look at each other awkwardly, was this question to insult them or infuriate them, they then laughed it off “You are getting it wrong we all have our fans, it is not just that JK is the only one they come for” Yoongi answers.
“I would never want fans who just look for me we are team they should support the team” JK answers, voice rough and irritated.
“If that’s so then why did you give a solo album of your own?” the interviewer smiles cunningly.
Jungkook chuckles, sitting comfortably on the sofa “Seems like you have a grudge with me” he smiles not so friendly “What’s wrong with it, my group never objected, some songs were even composed by them too so what’s wrong with it” The interviewer stops smiling.
“Recently there is a rumor that JK is not himself, he seems different and his voice quality changed too”
“We don’t pay attention to rumors, anything else you have about me, I thought this interview was of the group” JK says making the interviewer stammer.
“I am just asking what..what is hot topic of discussion in fandom” he clarifies. “Your fans are also disappointed to not able to see you in many occasions with Freed, is there some feud among members?” Taehyung who was watching this in the room, clenches his fist, he rushes to the assistant of Jay and another manager and asks them of the meaning of these questions, they avoid it, not wanting to give him answers, just telling him Freed can handle it easily, but we will talk about it afterwards. Taehyung who had not been in contact with Jungkook for more than two days now was worried and defeated just waits for Freed to come back so that he can ask them himself and make them take out their frustration, he could clearly see the irritation on their faces that they were trying so hard to suppress, the interview was meaningless and rude, Taehyung felt that Jay should have told them to stop it immediately but after passing several minutes they finally end the interview and walk back the three members complaining about the attitude of the interviewer as they walk in with the crew members following them and managers in tow, Jungkook however remains silent Taehyung walks towards him calling his name trying to stop him but Jungkook ignores him, Taehyung still follows him, not worrying about Jay’s warning but Jungkook pushes him away.
“Leave me alone doc, you are annoying me” he walks away quickly not looking back at Taehyung who just stands their blankly as other three members walk past him consoling that Jungkook is just angry and they will talk when free, Taehyung just nods to whatever they say not understanding a word.
“You freak, you think the world revolve around you, your face annoys me even your presence, you are just a monster without any feelings all you are is feel full of yourself that’s what you are doc..you are the reason I am like this..I hate you the most.”
Taehyung turns around hiding quickly in his room, his body shaking he locks the door checks it then rechecks again then sits far from the door looking at it in fear , he curls hugging his leg sitting on the floor and closes his ears, not wanting to hear the voice of the girl haunting him, he shouts for it to stop as tears rolls down his cheeks. His phone rings making him flinch and look at the screen, it was Jimin who was calling seeing the name of his brother on screen he quickly picks it up and with a shaky voice and calls his name.
“Tae, are you okay?” Jimin asks quickly in concern.
“No, I… I will be” Taehyung says trying to control his emotions closing his eyes taking deep breaths.
“It happened again, is it too much, Tae you know right what we do when it happens, I am here on the phone for you, hyung will be here too if you want, take deep breaths” Taehyung just listens he was already working on himself “You are our smart brother, you handle us in these situations the strongest among us, this will pass soon, you will be fine, it was not your fault” hearing the last words Taehyung sheds some tears.
“It was…”
Jimin understands before Taehyung says more “No…you know how she was, you tried so hard, just know you are stronger, we learn from our mistakes”
“What if I do it again, I am trying so hard but I am scared Jimin”
“When we are scared we become more alert, don’t we, I know you have the power to make things right, if it is not in your control, then it is not your time to interfere yet, Tae give yourself time too, how are you feeling now, better?” Jimin asks. “Want to do it our way?”
“It looks childish now” Taehyung says wiping his nose.
“It works every time” Taehyung hears Jin from other side. They used to do it when young and when Taehyung used to feel sad or cry on certain things and when their parents split Jin consoled him by saying-
“When someone asks me to tell about my family I tell them
Dad is tough and smart”
“Mom is emotional and loving” Taehyung says on the phone.
“Hyung is handsome of all” Jimin says
“Jimin is sweetheart” Taehyung continues.
“The last and youngest one left is Taehyung who is-“ Jimin smiles.
“Strongest hero of them all” Taehyung completes, embarrassed but a light smile on his face, feeling light he reaches for water bottle and drinks it “I am fine now”
“Good you made us worried, take care of yourself and get some rest, if there is something that is worrying you, save your energy for it, bye” Taehyung sighs throwing phone on bed. He needs to be strong.
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Jungkook makes a last minute changes in the list of songs adding one of his acoustic song which the fans requested the most but he seldom performed on the stage, his hyungs were surprised too but they didn’t question him and were ready to join him, they too liked the song and were excited to perform it after a long time, Jungkook was confident that they won’t need to worry he can handle this song on his own, between the cheering of mass when he strums his guitar, the rhythm makes people there quite in surprise Jungkook just looks at them a little smile on his lips before he looks at the group to sync with him, they look proudly at him as they happily starts playing the song “Carry on” he sings with giving all his feeling to the song, his veins popping as he pulls high note and at the same time playing his guitar, confident and expertly, the audience just listens. The song was intense and soothing at the same time making tears come in people’s eyes, this was long before JK ever smiled like that on stage the audience were taking it all up quietly and mesmerized, the song was to forget the person and carry on with your daily lives, forgiving the person’s mistakes and just remembering his happy times, the song pierces the heart to deep down in the soul, playing with feelings in a good way, it ends with loud cheers from the audience, some crying, some tearful. Freed concludes the concert successfully and they hug each other for the successful end of concert, they sit together for a while discussing about the moments that were funny and their mistakes while having something to eat and retire to their rooms after they discussed to their heart content and having feeling tired.
Taehyung on the other hand was still in his room, replaced by someone else on his duties, he keeps walking back and forth not able to calm his nerves, not able to control himself he walks out of the room to talk to the other person replacing him for these days, his name was Dane, it was good that the person was fan of his work and took him as a mentor so Taehyung sneaked his messages and guided him to what to do and look closely on Jungkook and report him.
As he enters the bar he finds the man there with other members having drink and food, feeling hesitant he stops but the other already looks and him and walks hurriedly to him short and thin, wearing formals, he had worked for few agencies before joining here and was older than Taehyung, he knows his work well but still feels Taehyung is best in the field so was very fond of him and obliged to his request.
“You are right something is off he is being too normal than before” Dane says still holding the glass of drink, he looked drunk too.
“Anything else that you noticed” Taehyung asks impatient.
Dane pauses and thinks for a while “Yeah the song was very emotional” Taehyung leaves without asking more, there was no use and no time to waste, he goes to look for Jay finding him nowhere Taehyung runs asking from several people where Jay could be, he finally reaches the room, Jay was talking with some people nicely dressed and looking important to him. Seeing Taehyung out of breath and sweating Jay takes a deep sigh asking for excuse from them and walking towards him.
“What is it now?” he says looking irritated
“He is not being himself, you have to do something, please help him, monitor him, he can’t be left alone for now” Jay looks back at the guests and then at him with a look of disinterest.
He almost whispers “You can see I am busy right now, this is not the right time to talk we can discuss it later”
“No…you can’t, that will be too late, you have to act now, please, listen to me I need to see him and talk to him” Taehyung says urgently and forcibly.
“Listen Mr. Kim everything can’t be done according to your wish and intuitions, we have important business here” Jay feels irritated.
“Then you listen Mr. Park too, as an official therapist of my client I demand you to show him to me or else I too can take actions, I am not a newbie in my work you better understand” Jay could see the fire in Taehyung eyes that intimidates him, he hesitates then turns to looks at his guests.
“An urgent matter came up, you people enjoy drinks I will be gone for few minutes” Jay says getting nods from his guests, he walks out Taehyung following behind.
“Mr. Kim we will talk of today’s action tomorrow first thing in the morning, I think I have to terminate our contract because you are getting on my nerves, this is not what you were assigned for, and this is also not how you do your duties, I should have listened to Professor Son, dealing you is not easy-“ Jay keeps on babbling while they take elevator and reaches the room, Taehyung pays no attention to him he just wanted to have a word with Jungkook.
They reach Jungkook’s room, two men dressed in staff uniform quickly walk towards Jay handing him the door card, Jay asks them to leave and slides the card the door unlocks. Taehyung takes a deep breath before entering the room, it was dark inside, they could smell the lavender room freshner, the room was quite chill, Jay quickly calls for Jungkook and looks around to turn on the lights Taehyung just stands there looking around at the luxurious room for the Jungkook when his eyes falls on the dark locks, Jungkook was sitting on the floor leaning on his bed only the back of his head could be seen to them, Taehyung feels chills run through his spine.
Jay stands there blankly “He seems to have been drunk” he comments shaking his head. Taehyung avoids him and quickly strides towards Jungkook sensing something wrong and what he sees make him shake, he inhales sharply, his body shivering and giving up making him lose his balance and fall on his knees.
There he was, Jungkook, lying on floor wrist bare and bleeding, blood dripping on the floor and other hand holding a broken beer bottle near the wrist, his face crumbled in sadness, tears constantly flowing from his eyes, vision blurred.
“Jungkook” Taehyung whispers, almost a cry of pain. He cursed himself for being right, for thinking this might happen, his head spins seeing the blood. Jay who walks too seeing Taehyung’s reaction was about to shout and rush towards him but Taehyung holds him in place, shaking his head for him as a sign to let him do the work. Jungkook looks at them, a feeling of shame rushing through him as he sees Taehyung too. He was now able to notice their presence.
“I can’t” he sobs bringing the sharpened glass end close to his wrist trying to make another cut.
“Jungkook” Taehyung says so softly and with so much love neither the two have heard before, making Jungkook look at him, Taehyung walks closer slowly and carefully not to scare Jungkook, getting at his eyes level.
“I don’t have anything to say” he says the blade piercing the skin making the blood ooze out from the ruptured skin. Taehyung wanted to take away the bottle but controls himself getting close quietly not letting Jungkook understand his move, Jay was running out of patience, calling certain people from his phone.
“Jungkook I told you I will help you, please trust me, you have to show how strong you are how determined you are to fight it, nothing can stop you, not this call from your head telling you to do this” Taehyung says carefully.
“I can’t help it…it is always there this voice telling me I am not worth anything” Jungkook cries, hand piercing more in the cut. Taehyung has flashbacks of the trauma he went through, of the cry of the girl, calling him monster. He closes his eyes, letting the tears fall and controls himself again, he has to be strong.
“Look at me Jungkook” he says again making the other look at him “I am here for you, I will make that voice go away, trust me just this once” Jungkook looks at him. “I know it is difficult no one can understand it but I want you to give me a chance to understand it, please just let me show you how beautiful is the world in which you live, how much importance you hold for the people who love you, how much worthy you are for the things you have” Jungkook just stares eyes glistening with tears. His hand pauses.
“You have to keep that bottle down for me” he says and Jungkook slowly pulls it away, Taehyung praises him, of how good he is doing and things will be fine not taking his eyes from the boy, he slowly comes closer holding the broken glass bottle from his hand, not even showing the pain when the glass was piercing his palm while he was moving Jungkook’s wrist and trying to get hold of the glass bottle, Jungkook’s grips tightens on the bottle like a switch turned on and in fear he pierces the glass again to the skin, but this time accidentally on Taehyung hands who hisses in the pain shooting him, making his eyes shut. Jungkook looks down at the bottle, his grip completely loosening from the bottle, scared of hurting other.
He pushes Taehyung away “Why do you want to help me when nobody can, they all give up but these thoughts they don’t I am so tired, can’t I even die peacefully, do I have to take your permission? Why do you always interfere, doc? Just leave me alone for God’s sake, I want to shut all the voices in my head, I want to have peace please doc please help me” he cries, feeling guilty and frustrated. Taehyung throws the bottle away quickly, Jay active enough to keep it in a plastic bag discarding it away out of sight, Jungkook was crying more and Taehyung hugs him. This was not what his studies has told him to do, he can’t be emotional, can’t be close to the subject not by his gestures but he doesn’t care, all he wanted was not to make the mistakes again not to lose this person, not to let him give up, Jungkook has asked for his help and he will do anything he can to help him.
“I love her so much…why can’t she see it” Jungkook sobs.
“She will see it, I can see it she will too”
“I can’t see her with anyone else”
“Things will become better when you will be fine” Jungkook clings to him harder, Taehyung’s palm was still bleeding he keeps his hand away, not minding the pain. There was pain in his head more prominent, shadows finding its place again, he was fighting with two things at the same time, one, the demons in his head and other the demons trying to engulf Jungkook’s brain.
“I am a disgrace to my band, I make them lose face I am not worth of their love I am not worth of living I live like a robot I don’t want this life I am so tired they don’t let me rest” Jungkook voice was mumbled Taehyung has to pay extra attention to hear it.
Jay watches them, face solemn, his focus was on bloodied hand of Taehyung, his jaws tighten but he doesn’t say a word.
“This is not the truth this is what your mind wants you to see and feel, I will show you the truth just have faith in me”
“I don’t have a reason to live doc, I don’t want to live, let me end I got what I wanted, money, fame, now I should end it” he starts looking for bottle again Taehyung holds his face making him look at only him.
“Then give me a chance I will give you the reason to live, trust me Jungkook I am not leaving your side” he says with determination.
The medical team and the rest of the members who had walked in few minutes ago just watch in shock, the members heard what Taehyung said to Jungkook and before they could say a word Jay asks them to keep quiet. They look at Jungkook in pity, then their eyes falls on Taehyung’s palm they look at him horrified, but Taehyung was not even looking at them, his focus was only on Jungkook who was still crying and having a tight grip on him, they watch it in silence. The medical team quickly gets closer making Taehyung break the hug and talk to Jungkook to distract him while they look after the wound as Jungkook was loosing consciousness slowly. Hoseok rushes to look over while Namjoon and Yoongi exchange unsaid words with each other, they look again at Taehyung in pity.
Pity. That’s what Taehyung can have now.
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(Notes from Taehyung’s Journal)
I crossed the line, I did something I never did before, but since the time I have met Jungkook I have done all sorts of things that I have not done before, I don’t know anymore what is right or wrong, what line to cross or not, where exactly is that line…I don’t care anymore, I just want to make him happy and I will make sure to give him enough reasons to live life…
The members were thankful and full of pity I know why…
Tomorrow I have to face Jay again…it is exhausting….
I just wish Jungkook sleeps well, the sedatives will let him, but my demons won’t let me, I miss hyungs if only they were here at the moment. After having the wound I feel now how she felt I am so sorry Yuji I couldn’t help you…..
Both me and Jungkook needs to find ways to live life….
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
Stay safe and be positive