Author: What was the happiest moment of your life?
Hope: When my mother taught me how to skate. She told me as long as I kept my balance I could do anything.
~Hope Manchester.
••
"Want some?" Chase offered me his popcorn but I shook my head.
"Thanks but don't worry," he nodded in understanding and went back to eating his popcorn as he stared at the large TV screen.
The past two days had probably been the most stressful. In between dealing with my brothers, frequent phone calls from my nosy parents, therapy and having a friend now things were annoyingly different.
I had never been the one to like different, different meant change and that meant going out of my comfort zone. I didn't like that at all, going to Sam's sessions were still new to me. I wasn't used to getting dressed for therapy and driving down there with one of my brothers.
Change is scary.
I guess I just wanted to stay in my little bubble and never get popped out of it, it wouldn't be so bad, honestly. It would save me from a lot of things, and like right now - a lot of thinking.
When Hope had grabbed my arm I wanted to yank it away, hit her with something, run away. But I didn't. I was uncomfortable and I could feel a panic attack on the way but I did my best to act like I was alright and I didn't care, but I did.
I guess you could say even my brothers touching me was something I wasn't at all comfortable with, it's not everyone you can trust. The people you think should be the ones you trust the most may end up being the ones who are responsible for breaking you.
In my case, you could say he never even had my trust but he still left me shattered.
Just like they did to Hope, but unlike me, she's still in the game, she's playing Miss. Oblivious. It was a dangerous game she was playing.
I had heard things from my brothers to have a decent view of her friends. Rich, snobby, envious, fake. It was where I had classed them into. I would not tell Hope this though.
The most bitter lessons should be learnt through realisation.
I couldn't always be there pointing out her mistakes, she was human, she had the right to make them. Her friendships were scary, being friends with a bunch of fake people was not healthy.
It was dangerous, in movies and cliché books they talked about the fake queen bee who's trying to steal the nerd's boyfriend with her wannabes.
They made it seem like her backup or sidekicks were all as fake as her and it was healthy to have that type of friendship when it was not.
Those ‘wannabees’ stories after the couples were never told. It was like everyone else but the queen had a happy ending. Even though everyone deserves one because everyone has a past. But they made it seem fine, it wasn't. Most of her sidekicks were either too used to the life of fakeness or couldn't live without it.
Hope, from what I observed, was the first kind.
From our conversations about her friends I always wanted to ask her why she never left their circle and moved on with her life like she was expected to - what she was capable of doing. But she had become so used to it that she couldn't see herself in anything that wasn't fake.
When I realised the living room had grown quiet I snapped out of my train of thoughts to find all my brothers staring at me.
"Are you okay? You seem a little lost," Hugo told me calmly as he patted my head, I nearly winced as his skin made contact with my head.
Whatever this was, it was getting worse than it had been when I was still living with Mom and Dad.
"Yeah I'm fine," I sat up making his hand drop and went to another couch. Chase and Hugo, who had been watching the movie and sitting next to me, looked hurt.
The day felt boring, my routine felt practised. It was the same, eating breakfast, taking antidepressants, taking a shower and then either staying home or walking around with Hope and then finally, therapy.
I felt like I was in a repeating cycle that didn't end or stop. I could feel myself slipping into insanity as Hope and I texted. I tried to keep on talking to her but my mood was probably as depressing as I had imagined it to be. There was no way she would have felt comfortable to keep on talking to me though. Instead, she told me she had to go shopping, she even asked if I wanted to come.
I said no. I would have therapy and honestly, she was the last person I wanted to see. It was like me being happy wasn't in the world dictionary.
I just couldn't be happy. It was impossible. Not after everything.
Soon enough I found myself questioning everything as I did my daily routine, telling myself something in front of a mirror.
Sam told me it would go from negative to positive. It had not though, it is probably me who's sinking deeper into negativity.
"I think I'm a waste of resources. Life isn't worth living if it's me living it," those were the words I had told myself, the honesty in them killed me.
••
"Faith! I was expecting you!" Sam happily greeted me when I had come in for my appointment. Other days I came here to get better, today I came here to mark my attendance, I didn't want to be here for any reason.
"Thanks," I answered her and took the couch across from her. Her smile flattened at my curt answer, but it grew back again and she nodded.
"Are you ready to start? Or you want a bit more time to grab some water?" Normally I would find this her being considerate, now I felt like I was being stalked, monitored by her and everyone else in my life. I needed to shut them out but I couldn't, at least not anytime soon.
"I'm okay to start," I wanted to snap at her but then what would that gain me? Nothing more than more hours of therapy after she tells my brothers.
She nodded and sat up. I had gotten used to her no longer slipping a paper for my daily tasks. It made me feel empty, back then I had nothing but those tasks to look forward to.
"Tell me a bit about your appetite, do you think it's satisfactory to eat once a day?" Sam questioned me, eyebrows raised, eyes scanning me for any cracks or possible leaks.
I guess I have a new stalker.
"Yes, I find nothing wrong with it, it's my brothers that think I'm not eating enough but I am, I think they just need a reason to make me stay here longer," I grumbled out with my arms crossed around my chest. I looked fit, not too fat, not too slim. I guess not eating enough made me look great.
She nodded. "It's completely fine for you to think that and for you to have your opinion on your diet and brothers. Can you tell me your opinion on your eating habits? Your honest opinion," she urged me with a gesture from her hand.
I clenched my fist. "I don't know," she didn't press on it, gladly. She had changed the course of our conversation entirely.
"Tell me more about that night then," she leaned in and I leaned back against the couch and away from her. "Anything you're willing to tell me."
After the session was over I nearly sprinted out of Sam's office and was relieved to find Aiden's car pulling up. I quickly pulled open the door and got in then hastily put on my seatbelt.
Aiden looked a bit taken back. "What was that? Is there something wrong?" He looked outside the windows of the car. "Is there someone here?" I just shook my head not wanting to answer any of his questions. I've answered too many.
Aiden still looked suspicious but didn't say anything about it. "You're going out tomorrow right?" I was going to ask him questions so he wouldn't be able to ask me any but I sighed.
"Yeah, a high school reunion," when I had promised Hope to be there I was a lot more excited than I was now. Surely.
He nodded his head and drove out of the building I had officially claimed as my worst. "That sounds cool," he nodded. "Have fun though, don't go all meanie on them. And no threatening, the last thing I want is a teenager's parent at my door," he mocked me and I rolled my eyes.
"If you don't shut up I'm going to choke you with my sock then punch it so far into you, you'll be infertile."
He chuckled but didn't say anything after that.
He made a stop at Wal-Mart and had forced me to come in with him.
Just as I had predicted, in my mind, it was overcrowded and filled with weird, sweaty, anxious but, thankfully, normal people.
"Hugo's making spaghetti tonight and I forgot to go grocery shopping yesterday," he had informed me upon stepping in. I felt sleepy and well dizzy.
At least I was not having a panic attack. I reasoned I should be grateful. Crowds had never been my thing. They made me feel sick and then unwanted memories could crawl their way into my mind.
We exited Wal-Mart after Aiden had paid for everything. We both walked, Aiden telling me his day. He had to tutor one of his classmates at University. She couldn't wait till it started to get him to tutor her. She had called him over during the holiday.
I was not sure if it was just my trust issues and maybe she needed help.
I had never had it best when it came to trusting. I just. . . had never found anyone worth trusting.
More like you've never found anyone who didn't break it.
We were walking towards the car when I nearly stumbled but Aiden pulled me up before I could go any further down, I could have picked myself up, I had balance. I flinched away from his touch, before he could apologise I was already trying to do anything to get the feel of his hand away from my skin.
I gritted my teeth but I suddenly felt myself growing weak and my eyes heavy.
The only thing I had remembered was falling backwards when everything had gone black.
I had fallen into another person's arms. From the way I was held so tensely, I knew it wasn't Aiden's.