Another AN before you read. There are three songs for this chapter, the one attached that you should play at the beginning of the chapter, one about 2/3 of the way through, and one towards the end.
I'll make sure to let you know when to play the songs that aren't attached as well as the name of the song and the artist.
With that said, enjoy! :)
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Harry's POV:
For the past week and a half, all I've felt is regret.
I'd known Charlotte for two months, and we wasted no time becoming best friends. We spent nearly every day together, I'd only ever gone a full day without talking to her twice, and that was only because I didn't want to seem too annoying.
We were never apart for long and the time I spent with her was pure joy. Just being in her presence was heaven on earth, that's why sometimes we wouldn't even be talking when we hung out or called. I'd rather sit in silence with her than be alone.
But things weren't like that anymore.
I hadn't heard from her since I left her door, and life was gloomy. No calls, no texts. No car rides with the volume turned all the way up. I hadn't even heard her voice since then.
I'd spent so much time with her, but I hadn't realized how much until I couldn't talk to her anymore. I knew it was my fault for being so dependent on her, but it didn't change how lonely I was without her.
I tried hanging out with Mitch, but it wasn't the same. We were best mates, but it wasn't the same relationship that I had with Charlotte.
When I first started becoming friends with Charlotte, I tried to deny my feelings for her. I knew she'd been bruised from past relationships and I knew she wasn't looking for anything. But the longer we stayed friends, the more I realized that maybe my feelings weren't so far fetched. The chemistry we had was undeniable.
When she opened up to me about her past relationships, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hurt her like she'd been hurt in the past. She deserved better, and I was going to be that for her, no matter what it took. Now, I'd hurt her when it was the last thing I intended.
I thought I was doing the right thing with Charlotte, I thought she would react the same way to her song as she had with Joyride, but I was terribly mistaken. Maybe she did appreciate the song, but she definitely didn't appreciate being confronted with emotions like that.
After that night, I reached out to the only person that could help - Isabel. I wasn't in the best state, but I couldn't sleep with the thought that Charlotte hated me running through my head.
"Harry, calm down, it's gonna be okay," she tried to console me.
"But it's not. She couldn't even look at me, she didn't want to talk. She basically closed the door in my face. I'd been vulnerable and open about my feelings and she just shut me out," I replied with tears stinging my cheeks.
"I know and I'm sorry. I gave you the go ahead because I knew she was thinking about telling you how she felt soon, and I thought it was a good time. I should've known that she wouldn't like being confronted like that," she spoke, revealing her own regrets.
"I know she feels the same way, though. She was going to tell you soon, and confronting her like that may have overwhelmed her, but it's not going to change her feelings for you. Just give her time like she asked and she'll come around. She's fragile, and she likes you. If you give her the time she needs, she'll come back around," she continued.
For the past week and a half, that's what I've been reminding myself of. If you give her the time she needs, she'll come back around. It was honestly the only thing keeping me sane.
A few days ago, the band and I played our usual Saturday night gig at the bar and she didn't even come. It felt so weird to look down into the crowd and not see her standing next to Isabel, cheering me on and singing along with the words. Did she realize how much she meant to me?
The entire time, I couldn't stop thinking about when I sang her song, and all the damage that I've done. I say it's her song because it really is. I never could have written that song without her inspiration, I mean the whole song was about her.
These days, that song was playing on repeat in my mind. You're so golden. It made sense why life had been so grey without her, she was so bright. Sometimes it felt like if I stared at her for too long, I'd go blind from how bright she was, but I didn't mind.
I'd flown too close to the sun, and now I was burned. I hated things being this way.
Since I'd met her, I'd been writing songs like crazy, but I couldn't bring myself to play anything, except during band practice. Even then, it was forced and I hated every second of it. It didn't feel right.
I hated the idea of writing a song in as much pain as I was in, but it was the only way I knew how to express myself. I'd been beating myself this whole time and I needed to find a way to get over it. To let it all out so I could express how bad off I was without her.
Life didn't feel right without her.
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Charlotte's POV:
Life was silent, and I hated it.
It'd been over a week since I'd seen or talked to Harry. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed him. I missed him so much that it hurt, but I also didn't want to see him.
I was scared of things changing between us, even though that's what I wanted at first. I was going to tell him how I felt, which meant things would change, but at least it was on my time.
I know it seems so childish to be upset about the song when I was planning on telling him how I felt as soon as we got home, but I got scared. I felt like I was pushed in a corner, and my only instinct was to run.
I'm not sure why I pushed him away, but he must hate me right now. I can't imagine writing a song like that for someone and then being treated the way I treated him. I'm horrible. I told him that I always mess things up and I proved it to him that night. I messed everything up between us.
The past week and a half was spent wallowing. I spent every second at work wishing I was at home in bed, and when I was home I was wishing I could fall off the face of the earth. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I have been happy after he did something so thoughtful for me?
Isabel had called me the day after, asking how things went. I couldn't bear to give her the details, I only told her that I needed time to think before I had that conversation with him. She didn't push as much as she usually did, but Saturday she texted to ask if I was going to see them play.
I'd been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I'd lost track of the days, much less the fact that the band played at the bar on Saturdays. I thought about it for a moment, thinking I could go watch them play and then make things right between us, but I decided against it.
It was so miniscule, but Harry always gave me a ride to see them play, and I couldn't ask him for a ride now. Even though I had my own car and I could've gone if I wanted to, thinking about it reminded me of how this whole situation was my fault.
Even if I tried to make things right, I couldn't take back what I did. I'd hurt him and I didn't know how to fix it. What could I possibly say that would make up for me practically closing the door in his face?
He'd poured his heart out to me, or was about to, and I wouldn't even let him finish. I wouldn't even listen to what he had to say.
Ever since that night, I've been going back and forth in my mind. I could reach out to him and have a proper conversation, try to fix everything. I could make things right and life would be good again. But every time I picked up my phone to call him I would put it back down.
I was the reason we were in this mess. I messed up once, and I knew I would mess things up again sooner or later. If I just left him alone, he wouldn't have to endure the pain that I knew I'd eventually cause. I'd done enough.
However, today has been the worst day I've had since that night. I thought I'd endured the worst of it when I sobbed myself to sleep, but today was terrible. From the moment I woke up, I couldn't shake the regret I was feeling, and nothing could take it away.
I couldn't bring myself to pick up a paintbrush because Harry had been my inspiration to paint for the last two months. Now he was gone. I tried reading, but my thoughts would keep going back to him, how much I missed him.
There wasn't a single movie that didn't make me think of him, and there was no way I could listen to music. My playlist was littered with little reminders of him, whether it was songs that we used to sing in the car, or just a song that I'd found myself relating to him.
I tried going back to sleep this afternoon, but even my dreams brought me back to him. What should have happened that night instead of what actually transpired.
He'd walked me to my door, but instead of rushing inside, I turned to face him. To tell him how I really feel.
"I know we've only known each other for two months, but it feels like so much longer. There's not a day that goes by that we don't talk and I like that. I like it a lot. I like the fact that you inspire me to paint, and you make me happy. You make me look at the world differently, in a better light and I'm glad that you're in my life. So, I just wanted to let you know that I really like you and I don't want to lose you."
And right as he leaned down to kiss me, I woke up.
Harry was everywhere and I couldn't escape him.
It was late now, but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about my dream earlier, what should have happened. I couldn't stop thinking about how I could possibly fix this, what I could say after going this long without talking to him. I couldn't stop thinking about Harry.
It was killing me. I'd been crying all day long and I felt like I was about to run out of tears. I looked like absolute shit and all I could do was beat myself up over what had happened. You'd think after a week and a half of putting myself through hell, I would snap out of it, but I hadn't.
I was tired of wallowing, though. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and I was tired of being without Harry. Maybe he didn't hate me after what I did. What if he understood and what if he was just waiting for me to reach out? I'd asked him for some time and maybe he was just trying to do the right thing.
I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling and debating my options when my phone dinged. I reached over to see who would be texting, a part of me wishing it was Harry. I should have known that it was from Isabel.
From Isabel:
1 Attachment
I know you're hurting, but I really think you should listen to this. I know you don't want to talk to him, and you should take all the time you need, but he cares more than you think.
I opened the attachment, realizing it was a voice memo. I pressed play, listening to the gentle sound of the piano and sinking further into my bed. It was sad and I could hear the emotion just in the way the person was playing. I zoned out to the music, it being the first song I'd listened to since that night.
However, the moment I heard his familiar voice, I was harshly brought back to reality. I wasn't prepared to hear him when I hadn't heard his voice in so long, let alone hearing that much pain in his voice. All I could feel was regret as my face was stained with tears for the millionth time today.
I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left
I missed him so much, and it was bittersweet to know that he was missing me too. I felt so guilty knowing that he was regretting opening up to me, and I wanted to call him immediately, to let him know that he didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who fucked everything up.
What am I now? What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
What if I'm down? What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling
The pain in his voice was agonizing. Knowing that I'd caused it was killing me, and I wished so desperately that I could take everything back. I never meant to cause all of this.
You said you care, and you missed me too
And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you
And the coffee's out at the Beachwood Cafe
And it kills me 'cause I know we've ran out of things we can say
He sang through the chorus again and I felt more regret than I'd ever felt in my life. Each lyric he sang was seeping into my skin, consuming me. It was so beautiful, but I was so ashamed to be the reason that he would write a song like this. Last week I was golden, but now I was just a memory to him.
I felt horrible knowing that he didn't even know where he stood with me anymore, he didn't know if I wanted to be with him or not. I did - I desperately did, but I didn't know how to tell him that now.
And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again
I'd been crying the entire time I'd listened to the song, but I couldn't contain the sob that ripped through me. Of course I needed him, I just didn't know how to express it. There'd never been a time where I gave myself to someone and it didn't blow up on my face, and he knew that. I was being cautious to protect myself, but it'd hurt him.
As soon as the song finished, I played it again, listening to the lyrics and the pain in his voice. The pain that I'd caused.
I didn't know what to do, but I also knew that isolating myself wasn't going to fix anything.
Before I knew it, I was on my feet, putting decent clothes on and grabbing my keys. I got in my car and drove to the place I'd been avoiding since everything happened. I played the song Isabel had sent over and over again, crying the entire way there. What had I done?
[*play We'll Be Fine by Luz*]
I arrived around midnight, trying to muster the courage to get out and walk to the door. I looked like shit from crying all day and it was obvious that I was not okay, but it didn't matter at that point. I knew I had to do this.
I walked toward the door, noticing that none of the lights were on inside the house, but I knocked anyway. I waited for an answer, but there was no response. I was still crying, but I grabbed my phone from my pocket, dialing the number that I had been avoiding.
Voicemail.
Shit.
"Hey... I know I'm the last person you want to talk to right now, or at least that's what it seems like, but I- I tried knocking on the door, but I guess you're asleep," I spoke between sobs. I couldn't believe I was really doing this.
"I just- I know that I fucked everything up. I told you that I fuck everything up and you didn't believe me," I laughed dryly. "I- I don't know why I'm here right now. I don't know what I could say... what I could say to fix things, but I'll say anything you want to hear right now. I... I miss you. I miss you so much. It's killing me, Harry. I feel like... things aren't right without you..." What was I even doing? He was asleep and he was going to listen to this in the morning and think that I'm crazy.
"I'm sorry that I just randomly showed up at your house, but I didn't know what else to do. I know you're probably asleep, but I'm sorry. I- I'm so sorry and I know I sound crazy right now, but I'm not right without you. I don't like... I don't like who I am without you, so if you get this, please," I sobbed.
"Please come outside, I have to fix this. I... I have to fix this. I'm so sorry," I finished, sniffling a few times before I hung up. This was so far out of my comfort zone, but I felt like I had to let him know how much I regretted what I'd done.
I stood there for a few more minutes, waiting for him to get my call or anything, but he didn't open the door. I really wished I hadn't had this revelation so late, because if I had to wait until he heard the voicemail in the morning, I really might fall off the face of the earth.
This was obviously a low point for me, but I didn't know what else to do.
I stood there, still crying, about to walk back to my car and head back home when I heard the familiar tune playing on a piano. I thought I'd accidentally started playing it again, but I realized it was coming from inside of the house.
I knocked on the door again, louder this time, hoping he would hear me over his playing. I heard the piano stop abruptly, and I was shaking with anxiety. I was feeling so many emotions at once and it was overwhelming, considering that I tend to avoid confrontation.
Harry opened a crack in the door, peeking through.
"Charlotte?" He spoke so quietly, it was almost a whisper, as he opened the door further after realizing who had knocked.
I was crying so hard that I couldn't even open my mouth to speak. He stood there, looking at me with a pained face as I begged my brain to work, to move my fucking mouth so I could say anything.
"Are you okay?" He asked, and I could've punched him. I'd shut him out for nearly two weeks and he was asking me if I was okay?
"Harry... I'm so sorry. I fucked everything up. I shouldn't have pushed you away and I've been regretting it ever since, I just didn't know what to say to fix things. I fucked everything up and-"
"You didn't fuck everything up," he interrupted me sternly, and he was starting to piss me off.
"I did, and I'm sorry. The truth is that I like you a lot and it's just scary for me to accept. I shouldn't have let that affect the way I treated you, I shouldn't have shut the door on you and I shouldn't have gone so long without talking to you. I don't like being apart from you, and the only reason I didn't come here sooner is because I didn't know how I could possibly-" I was so focused on getting all of my thoughts out that I didn't notice him step towards me.
"I don't care," he interrupted me. It was the last thing I expected him to say, but it was understandable. If I were in his shoes, I would've shut the door just like I had to him.
"I'm-" I couldn't even finish the word before he interrupted again, stepping even closer than he was before.
"I just care that you're here," he muttered before grabbing my face and kissing me.
All of the regret and guilt I'd been feeling melted away and I relaxed in his hands. I could taste my own tears as he kissed me, and I knew he could too, but he didn't seem to care. The kiss felt like forever, but I knew it was only a few seconds before he pulled away.
He turned to walk in the door as I stayed where I was standing, unsure of what the kiss even meant.
"You coming?" he asked as he held the door. I nodded, wiping my tears and following him inside.
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EEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Another sad chapter that had me like:
If you've made it this far, congrats! You've officially read 100 pages!!
A bit of a longer chapter, but much needed. I hope you enjoyed, and don't forget to vote and comment! :)