Emmitt sat in his room, motionless. He had had the hardest time falling asleep. Now, he stared out his window, the sun barely shining from between the clouds in the gray sky. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders, listening to nothing.
But he couldn't block it out.
He could hear his mother and father arguing. They would casually have simple arguments about everyday things, but Emmitt knew this wasn't one of those. He felt numb as he listened to his father's muffled voice from downstairs.
"Isabelle! My god, what did we do wrong?"
"Stop saying that, John. We didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with him."
Emmitt stared, his heart racing.
"My son is not gay. I didn't raise my son to be like that."
"John cut it out! He can probably hear you!"
"Good. I hope he does. He should be ashamed."
All Emmitt could hear next was a whole bunch more screaming and rambling. He also heard commotion and rustling through bags and opening doors. And then, he heard a huge slam that could've only came from the front door.
Suddenly, he heard his own door quietly screech open. Standing there with her hand on the door handle was Maggie. Her face looked scared and confused, as she asked, "Emmitt?"
Emmitt turned around to look at her. "Mags."
She walked in, closing the door behind her. "What's going on?"
Emmitt shook his head slowly. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."
Maggie still looked confused, her brown hair messy and tangled from moving around in her sleep. "I don't think it's okay. Mom and dad are yelling at each other."
Emmitt nodded. "I know. But it's okay."
"How is that okay?" Maggie asked quietly.
There was silence for a minute. "Well, it's not. But as your older brother I have to say that."
"There's no point in lying to me," Maggie said. "I'm pretty sure that's not an older brotherly thing to do."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. It's just- they aren't fighting about you. You're gonna be fine. You don't have to worry."
There was more silence, as Maggie silently thought to herself. "Is it about you?"
Emmitt stayed still.
"Yeah. Yeah. It is."
As they got silent, their mother's cries could be heard, soft whimpers and huge explosions of angered sobs.
"Mom's crying," Maggie said abruptly.
Emmitt nodded his head. "I know."
"Did you do something?" asked Maggie.
"I don't know- I- well, yes, but I-"
"Emmitt! I'm scared!" Maggie said more louder, putting her fists into clenched up balls, squeezing her palms and resting her arms at her sides. "Just tell me what's going on. Why is mom crying? Why was everyone yelling? Why are you just sitting here?"
"Maggie, I-"
"You're supposed to be my older brother. You can't lie to me and treat me like some baby. Are mom and dad getting a divorce? Because don't think I don't know what that is. Riley Andrews told me that her parents got that too. Everyone felt really bad for her."
Emmitt rested his head down, letting out a big sigh. "I told mom that I was gay. That I am gay. And that's who I am. I went on a walk with Gavin and these guys sorta punched me, which is why I have dried blood on my face and a black eye."
"And you're glasses are broken," Maggie whispered, unsure if she was allowed to interrupt.
"Yes, and that. And I've known it for a while. And I didn't know how to put it into words. But now I can. Something just clicked in me. I came home and I told mom. Mom was okay but dad..."
"Dad's mad at you?" Maggie asked.
"Yeah. Something like that."
Maggie stood there, thinking. "He's mad at you because you like boys?"
Emmitt nodded.
"That's kinda weird. Why isn't he mad at me too? I like boys."
Emmitt looked up at his sister, standing there, shrugging her shoulders and giving a warm smile. He stood up and leaned over, giving her a huge hug. They hugged for a while, Emmitt even letting a small tear fall down his cheek.
"We'll be okay, right?" Maggie asked.
"Yeah, we will," Emmitt said.
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Emmitt Hendrix started walking across the street. His sneakers were dirty, one shoelace falling out of the hole. He walked up the old worn down steps of Ms. Shepard's house and knocked on the door with his knuckle.
He waited for a minute. He was greeted by Ms. Shepard, who didn't look amused.
"Emmitt."
"Ms. Shepard, I wanted to come over and firstly apologize for getting into this mess with Gavin. We shouldn't have been out so late at night."
"Is Gavin with you right now?" she asked, staring directly into Emmitt's eyes.
"With me... right now?" Emmitt asked, confused. "I thought he was here with you."
"I didn't know that he even went out last night. I was sleeping. He must have snuck out and went somewhere. Did he come home last night with you?"
"Yeah, we both walked home. He dropped me off at my house. And then he..."
But Emmitt couldn't finish his sentence. "I thought he went home."
"I've checked this morning. He's not in his room. Which means he never came home."
Emmitt's mind went a mile a minute. He slowly breathed in. "Where is he?"
"Shit," Ms. Shepard said under her breath, panic spreading all over her face. "Shit, shit, shit."
Emmitt started to panic too. He looked back and forth. And all of a sudden, he started to run. He ran down Ms. Shepard's stairs and he ran down the paved street. He ran down the sidewalks, this time taking a different route than before.
He was out of breath, his sweater flapping in the wind as he moved his legs as fast as had ever moved them. Through twists and turns, he moved his feet along the rocky ground.
Emmitt finally reached the wide bridge that connected two streets over a large drop, where a rapid river flowed through jagged rocks. He stood on the road, right at the start of the bridge, his stance a mess, breathing heavily. His hair was blowing, his face cold and eaten by the wind.
Gavin was standing on the edge of the bridge, his feet swaying as they held on to the concrete wall. He was looking out on to the drop below.
"Gavin!" Emmitt yelled out, pain flickering through his call.
You could hear the rapids of the lake making a thundering noise, echoing off the thresholds of the bridge.
"What are you doing?!" Emmitt screamed, so Gavin could hear him.
Gavin didn't say a word, still swaying back and forth with the wind.
Emmitt ran some more, until he was right where Gavin was. He looked up at the boy with his shaggy brown hair, which was blowing with the breeze.
"Gavin, talk to me!" Emmitt said, trying his best to stay calm. "Please. Please get down."
Emmitt tried reaching for Gavin's hand, but Gavin grabbed Emmitt's wrist and crouched down, staring at him. "You don't understand."
Gavin was now crouched down on the wall, holding on to Emmitt. "You really think all of this is easy."
"I don't think any of this is easy, are you kidding?!" Emmitt said, his voice bellowing. "You're not making any of it easier right now!"
Gavin took one of his hands and laid it on his forehead. He shook his head back and forth, looking back out on to the horizon. "Emmitt, you know I can't stay here."
Emmitt was now noticing the wind pick up, and he felt his eye sockets forming tears. "Why not?"
"Because, Emmitt! Because I'm just this boy, living on this earth, who can't even understand the difference between butterflies in my stomach and when I'm angry. Because I can't focus and I can't think straight and I can't put words to how I feel. I don't know what to say. I can't explain how I feel. I just feel mad. I'm so mad. And you might think I'm feeling so many things right now but all I'm feeling is this weird build up inside of me. And I don't- I can't-"
"So!?" Emmitt said, desperately. "So what you can't feel? There's nothing wrong with you! There's nothing wrong with not being able to understand the difference between what you feel. Who said there's anything wrong with that!?"
"Because there IS, Emmitt. There is everything wrong with it. I know that there's things such as being happy, or there's that feeling when you're excited, but I can't put two and two together. not to mention that I have to take a million fucking shit ton of pills that don't do anything. There is no point in even trying, Emmitt. Give up, please."
Emmitt's eyes were blurred, for all he could see was the tears that covered his eyes. "I'm not letting you give up. You are not giving up. You say you can't feel anything and I know you can't. But what about me? What about us?"
Gavin shook his head.
"How do I make you feel?" screamed Emmitt. He was now crying, his words being mumbled by the sobs his body had to let out.
"How do I make you feel, Gavin? When we walk side by side or when we sit across from each other at the dinner table or when we sit and talk for hours under a sycamore tree?"
Gavin stared the opposite way of Emmitt, trying not to listen.
"How do I make you feel when I tell you that I told my parents I was gay because of you? Or how do I make you feel when I tell you that I've written about you in my journal because I've been confused and I've thought that you've been the only person in this world who truly understands me better than themselves?"
Emmitt was pouring his heart out, now holding his hands back and crying. "How do I make you feel? How do I make you feel anything?"
Gavin turned back out, now looking straight at the horizon, a small tear forming in his eyes. He stayed silent.
"I know you think you seem like this emotionless, waste of space, but I love who you are and everything you are. And I know it's hard because you can't feel what you want to feel, but trust me, if you could feel it, you would understand what I feel for you."
And they both stayed silent, Emmitt crying, his face now blotchy red, while Gavin held everything still. Gavin now sat cross legged on the cement wall, looking out on to the water and the rocks below. Emmitt stood behind the wall, it barricading him. He reached out slowly and opened up Gavin's hand, fitting his own into it. Gavin's hand was cold, but Emmitt didn't care. He gripped it tightly and he looked out on the water too, letting his tears fall down his face.
They didn't have to say anything to know. They stayed there for a while, and they listened. They listened to the water crashing along the rocks. They listened to the faint sound of car engines and horns going off that were driving through the main city. As the day turned to night, and the air got even colder, they stayed there. Hands still entwined, hair still blown through.
"Emmitt."
Gavin's voice said, cracking.
"Yes?" asked Emmitt.
"Let me do this."
Emmitt didn't want to hear it. "No."
"Please. Let me do this."
"You're not jumping off this bridge," Emmitt said, his voice now shaking softly.
Police sirens could be heard from the distance.
"Shit," Gavin said under his breath. "Emmitt, I need to do this now."
"No," said Emmitt agonizingly. "Gavin, please-"
"How am I supposed to live if I can't feel anything? There's really point to that, is there?" Gavin yelled out, pain spreading through his face.
Gavin let go of Emmitt's grip, pushing him on to the road and standing back up. Emmitt crashed to the ground, curling up on to his side. He looked up, screaming at Gavin to stop. Gavin was now standing on the edge of the bridge.
"Gavin, PLEASE!" screamed Emmitt.
Gavin gave Emmitt one last glance, that only Emmitt could understand.
And all at once, Gavin stepped off, disappearing quickly off the side of the bridge.