"Kate!"
Ryan stands in the front doorway, wearing old jeans and a t-shirt that's seen better days. I can't take my eyes off him as love and sympathy flood me.
"Kate, what's wrong? Why are you here?"
"I'm sorry, I know it's really late. I had to see you."
He nods, still worried, which makes sense since my eleven o'clock arrival with no notice means something important's happening. "Come in."
He locks the door behind us and leads me to the living room. "Need anything? A drink, food..."
I settle onto the couch and shake my head. "I ate on the train." While I read the rest of Donna's diary and struggled not to cry at everything else I learned.
"Okay." He sits next to me. "So..."
I don't know where to start. "I have a bunch of things to tell you but I don't know how. They're all tangled together."
"Pick one, the simplest one, and go from there."
I nod. Good advice. "I got into the secret area in Bubbly Words."
He looks startled and worried, and I know why, know what he doesn't want to tell me. I learned it on the train. "Ryan. What did you and Donna talk about the night before her last treatment?"
He looks at me, his face soft and sad.
"Tell me."
"You already know, why do you want me to--"
"I need to hear it from you. Please."
He swallows hard. "Donna said she wished she could forget about Grace and everything she'd ever done wrong. Start over."
"And you said?" I whisper.
He looks into my eyes. "I said I'd give everything I've ever cared about to make that happen for her."
Almost word-for-word how Donna had reported it. Of course they hadn't thought it was possible, but when I turned up without those memories, Ryan did indeed do everything he could to keep me that way. "You didn't want me to talk to Ethan in case he knew, you didn't tell me yourself..."
"If you'd heard her," he says softly, "heard how badly she wanted to forget, you'd understand. I couldn't be the one to make her remember, to hurt you with it. I'd hurt her so many other times, I couldn't... I had to give you up so I wouldn't..." He breaks off and swallows again.
"Ryan, I love you. I love you now and forever."
He squeezes his eyes shut. "Please. I can't take it."
I take his hand. "I know why she left."
He doesn't look at me. "Because I cheated and forced her into ECT and ruined her life."
"No." I tighten my grip on his hand. "It's not that at all."
He opens his eyes but doesn't raise them to me; instead he keeps his head bowed like the weight of his crimes is too much to bear.
"Ryan. She loved you. Right to the last entry. She wasn't running away to leave you. She wanted you to run too and she was trying to prove you could."
He does raise his head now, his eyes full of confusion.
I pull out the phone and read the last note aloud.
The plan's all done. I made the fake ticket and bought the hair dye and took out enough cash to get me to Toronto and Janice's place. I know she'll let me stay with her. We've been friends too long for her not to. I have all the steps written down in case tomorrow's ECT leaves me too fried to do them. We can't be happy here. Too many memories. I'll go to Toronto and be Kate. Then Ryan can come, once I show I'm okay, and he'll be Elliott and we can be happy forever. I like those names. He'll like them too. No more depression, no more Claire, no more memories.
He stares at me. "She ran away to prove she'd be okay in Toronto? As Kate? And I was supposed to be..."
I nod. I'm not even sure Donna remembered that Kate and Elliott were the names they were going to use for their children. "ECT was wrecking her mind. Reading through the entries, it's so obvious. Making the fake ticket was easy because she copied an old one, but her plan to run away is ridiculous. How could you both just go to Toronto and take new names and change everything? She can't see it, though. She really was convinced it would work."
He rubs his forehead. "I thought she still pretty much had things together. I didn't know she was losing that much of her mental abilities."
"She didn't want you to know. In her clearer moments, she sees a bit of how her mind's deteriorating and she writes about how she wants you to think the best of her so she can't tell you. Won't tell you. But one thing doesn't change throughout."
He waits as if he's waiting for me to hit him.
"She loved you, Ryan. Loved you so much. She blamed herself for the affair--"
He makes a small choked sound.
"I know. But she forgave you too. She loved you with all her heart, and she truly thought she was doing the right thing by running away. No, I shouldn't say that. She wasn't running away. She was running to where she could be happy with you."
Ryan shuts his eyes and drops his head again, then says "I'll be right back" in a voice thick with tears and bolts from the room.
I lean against the couch, my own emotions churning. She'd been so wrong but she'd been trying so hard to be right. And she loved him. I don't know if he'll ever read the diary, if he even should, but it glows with love. She adored him from the moment she met him and she didn't stop until she lost her memories.
And maybe not even then, given how quickly I fell in love with him.
I don't know what will happen now, but I'm so deeply glad I found out the truth. I'm so glad I know Donna loved him. It makes it feel right that I do too.
I sit alone for five minutes or so, then hear, "Kate?" and look up to see Ryan in the doorway. He's pale, and I think he's been crying, and the love that squeezes my heart makes it hurt so beautifully I can barely breathe.
"Kate," he says again, and holds out his hand to me.
I go to him, not knowing what he wants but knowing I'll always be drawn to him, and lay my hand in his.
We stand together for a long moment, then he says, "I should have told you about Grace. From the beginning."
I shake my head slowly. "I don't know any more. You were doing what she wanted."
"Do you forgive me for not telling you?"
I nod.
"Do you still love me?"
The roughness of his voice makes it clear how hard it is for him to ask, and I don't hesitate. "I do. I always will."
He sinks onto one knee.
My heart leaps like a startled animal. "Ryan?"
He reaches into his pocket then holds up a ring. My engagement ring. "Kate Anderson, will you marry me?"
Donna Merrill, this body, was already married to him. Kate Anderson isn't, but there's nothing I want more. "I will. I love you, Ryan."
He slides the ring onto my hand, my left hand where it belongs, then stands and pulls me into his arms. "I love you, Kate. Now and forever."
We hold each other close for one long beautiful moment then he releases me and slips both hands into his pockets. He pulls out his left hand first and presses something into my right.
As I look and realize he's given me his wedding ring, he takes my left hand and gently slides off the engagement ring. I'd protest except I see my wedding band between his fingers.
"I, Ryan, take you, Kate, to be my wife," he says softly, emphasizing my name. "To have and to hold, from this day forward, now and forever."
Tears slide down my cheeks as he eases the wedding ring onto my finger then tops it with the diamond solitaire.
His eyes wet too, he murmurs, "Your turn," and holds out his left hand to me.
"I, Kate, take you, Ryan," I begin, then my throat tightens too much to speak. I look into his eyes, see the love and the pain and the hope there, and take a deep breath. "I take you to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, now and forever."
I slide the band onto his finger. The feel of it binding us together is indescribable.
Our eyes meet and I say, "I now pronounce you husband and wife. That's the next part, right?"
He smiles. "It is. Nice job. Then comes the best part. You may kiss the bride."
He pulls me in gently, tenderly, and kisses me the same way. I wondered how that felt, the kiss I saw in the wedding video, and now I'll never have to wonder again. It feels like paradise.
When it ends, we cling to each other and my looming tears fade away. I don't need them. I have nothing to cry about. It feels so good to be in his arms. My husband's arms.
I raise my face to his. "So what happens next at this wedding of ours?"
"A bunch of speeches and eating, I guess. That's usually how weddings go."
"I'm not hungry and I've got nothing particular to say. You?"
"I'm fine on both fronts."
His eyes are intense on mine and heat's pouring from him into me. I know what comes next and I want it so badly I can't wait any more. "Then it's the wedding night, right?"
He takes my face in both hands and kisses me with such love and hunger I'm whimpering in an instant. He guides me up the stairs, kissing me on every step, then past the guest rooms and into our bedroom.
I'm about to say I don't want to be in there, in Claire's awful décor, but when I look around I'm so surprised I nearly forget what's about to happen. The room is transformed. The heavy furniture is gone, replaced by things more suited to the rest of the house, but it's more than that. Vibrant color everywhere, soft fabrics, gorgeous pillows... I recognize one and realize it was in my home office.
I turn to him, confused, and he says, "I wanted to have you in here with me. You. Kate. And all the bright colors you wear. I missed you so much. This seemed like the best way to do it."
"It's beautiful," I say. "It feels like..."
He waits until I can fight back the sudden emotion and say, "It feels like home."
"Good," he says, but he doesn't get to say anything else because I pull him close and kiss him again.
Then there are no words, except mumbled endearments and gasps for more, as my husband undresses us both then makes love to me for the first time. Every touch on my naked skin, every caress I give his, every delicious sensation, it's all new to me, and he knows it and he loves it and I love it too.
With lips and hands we each learn the secrets of the other's body, and soon we are locked together in passion and love and then my world explodes in waves of heat and joy and ecstasy and he groans and buries himself in me.
"I love you," he murmurs when his breathing has settled a little.
"I love you too. I never imagined it could be that good."
He kisses my ear. "Glad to hear it, because you're stuck with me now."
"Oh, the horror."
He laughs and kisses my mouth long and sweet.
When I can speak again, I say, "So what's next? What happens now?"
"Kate, my love, I don't know. But I can't wait to find out."