Sunday night I sit with Hannah, Jake, and Ryan at Starbucks. I'm in a big comfortable chair but it's hard to imagine how I could feel less comfortable. Jake and Ryan are about as relaxed as two lions fighting over territory, and Hannah hasn't noticed because she's babbling away about her first real client for her fashion consulting business. I'm trying to focus on her words but mostly thinking about the weekend's events.
After Jake swore he hadn't assaulted me, we spent a few more minutes trying to chat and be comfortable with each other but then I pretended to be exhausted and left. Once I reached the sidewalk I sent Ryan a message letting him know what happened and he asked me to come see him at his hotel.
Walking into his room and seeing him in jeans and a t-shirt for the first time had felt really strange. He'd been so professional-looking every other time I'd seen him, and in his casual clothes he seemed like a stranger.
An attractive stranger.
With whom I was alone in a hotel room.
I told him what Jake had said and he put his arm around my shoulder and said, "I'm so sorry. I hated telling you," and I knew that he meant it even though I'd be far less likely to leave him for Jake if I thought Jake was a rapist.
Ryan and I spent an hour in his room, first discussing the Jake situation and then talking about what we'd do with the rest of the weekend, and when it came time for me to leave I briefly considered staying instead because I wanted to keep growing closer to him. His goodbye hug was tight, and longer than our previous hugs, so I thought maybe he felt the same way. But I didn't know. We didn't talk about it.
Not then, anyhow. On Saturday, as we spent the day roaming the Eaton Centre to buy new suits for Ryan and "anything you want" for me, he admitted that he'd nearly asked me to stay but had thought it would be awkward. I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him how I'd felt, because I didn't feel ready for him to ask me to stay that night, but I did say that next weekend he could stay with me instead of in a hotel. The way his eyes lit up with a deep warmth at my words made me feel warm inside too.
We met at seven in the morning on Sunday at his request, which I didn't understand until he surprised me with a day trip to Niagara Falls. The two-hour drive went by in a flash as we laughed and chatted, and since I didn't remember ever seeing the Falls it was lovely to be there. We enjoyed the trip back too, which again seemed to take no time at all as we grew even more relaxed with each other, and now we're as comfortable with each other as if we've known each other for years. Remembered years, that is.
I can tell Jake has noticed, and he hates it. I was supposed to meet him and Hannah at Starbucks after Ryan left since Hannah wanted more help with her business, but a huge accident on the highway means Ryan won't be leaving until late tonight and so I'd texted Jake and Hannah and asked if he could come along.
Hannah was delighted since she hadn't met him and wanted to, and she seems to like him. Jake just said, "Fine," and he's barely spoken to Ryan other than a 'Hey' when we arrived. He's talked a little more to me but the tension between us hasn't gone away. Ryan did try to chat with him but gave up and is now talking to Hannah about her business.
Hannah waves her arms a bit too exuberantly as she speaks and knocks over her coffee cup. "Ah, shit!"
I leap up and grab a stack of napkins, and she and I soak up the mess while Jake says, "I'll get you another one."
She looks up and smiles. "Really? You don't have to do that."
"No friend of mine should go without coffee," he says, and heads to the counter.
The happiness in her eyes dims a fraction, and I imagine the word 'friend' ringing in her head. She doesn't want to just be Jake's friend. I still don't think he's noticed.
Would she want to be with him if she knew about the date rape charge? Before I left Jake's place on Friday I'd asked if Hannah knew and he said, "Definitely not. I didn't tell anyone. I was too embarrassed."
Embarrassed or guilty?
Once we've cleaned up and Jake has brought Hannah her new drink, she says, "So, Kate, Ryan, can I show you my plan? I showed Jake and he thinks it's okay, but I thought I'd ask you two high-flying business types."
"Because you can't trust me, right?"
Jake's voice is colder than it should be since Hannah was clearly joking, but I know why even though her confusion says she doesn't. Anything to do with trust and belief is tough for Jake at the moment.
Ryan says calmly, "It's not about trust. It's always good to get extra opinions."
Hannah smiles at him, relieved. "Exactly." She hands us both a few sheets of paper. "Kate, I made the changes you suggested, and a few more besides. I hope I've got it right this time." She nudges me and gives us both a pen. "Since last time you needed to make so many notes."
Ryan chuckles. "She's brilliant at plans. My boss tries to hire her every time she sees him but she always turns him down."
"What do you do, Ryan?"
He tells her what small firm acquisitions are all about, and Jake mutters something that sounds like, "Bleed them dry."
I turn to him, frowning, but Ryan's there first. "We give them fair deals, actually, and encourage them to have their own accountants and lawyers check them out. We wouldn't last long in this business if we ripped them off."
I look back at Ryan, ignoring Jake's reluctant, "I guess," and say, "Your boss wants me to work there?"
He smiles at me. "He'd hire you in a second."
Maybe not now, given the gaping hole in my memory.
Ryan's smile fades. He's probably thought the same thing. We give each other a rueful look then set to reading Hannah's plan. I feel the same "how should I know?" sensation I had last time but again my brain analyzes the plan on a level I don't remember learning how to reach. I go through the whole thing, making only a few notes, then wait for Ryan to finish.
He does, then looks to me. "Go ahead."
I shake my head. "I want to hear what you think first."
"Okay." He turns to Hannah and tells her exactly what I was going to say: the plan is solid but has a few shaky details.
"And what do you think, Kate?" Hannah says when he's done listing the flaws.
I smile at her. "Ditto. Those were the only details I thought needed work too."
She grins, clearly relieved. "Those are easy to fix. And now that I've got one client I can get tons more."
"For sure," I say. "All the best-dressed women in Toronto will owe all their style to you."
She lights up. "And then I'll expand to other cities. Ottawa, Vancouver, Montreal... and then maybe into the States. And Europe! Maybe the Queen will hire me."
We laugh, and even Jake chuckles at this and says, "She could use a new stylist. She's looked the same forever."
"Has to look like her portrait on the coins, I guess," Ryan says. "Anyhow, good job, Hannah. It sounds like you've really improved the plan since Donna saw it last."
Jake stiffens when Ryan calls me Donna, then turns to me and says, "It was amazing, what you did with it that first time. I just kept thinking, 'Kate must be a CEO'."
"And then it turned out you were!" Hannah chimes in, but I know Jake's trying to make a point of my name. He's already told me he doesn't think Ryan should call me Donna since I'm more comfortable with Kate. I think, honestly, that Ryan's been under a fair bit of stress since his wife ran away and lost her memory and if calling me Donna makes things easier for him I'm okay with it. After all, it is my name.
Hannah turns to me, suddenly serious. "You could be my CEO too."
I blink. "But you're your own CEO."
Her cheeks redden. "I shouldn't have said that here." She glances from Ryan to Jake then back at me. "But I mean it. I'm good at the fashion stuff." She gestures at the plan. "This stuff? I get tangled up. It'd be great to have a partner who could handle the business side for me. You'd be an amazing partner."
Hannah's always seemed sweet but a bit ditzy, so the focus and determination in her voice and eyes now surprises me. Her business matters to her, more than I'd realized. "Hannah, I don't know..." I have a career. In another city. How can I be her partner in Toronto?
She holds up a hand. "Don't decide now, just think about it." She looks to Ryan. "Sorry for this, but it's true. If she decides to stay in her Toronto life she'll need a job, and I want her to know it could be with me."
I look between the two men, from Jake's smug amusement to Ryan's surprise that tempers into understanding mixed with pain, as Ryan takes a deep breath and says, "Well, her firm can be run from pretty much anywhere so she does always have a job." Then he turns to me and leans forward and takes my hands. "But if you wanted to change careers I'd support you doing it. Whatever and wherever you want to be."
"Even if I decided to stay here?" I whisper, hardly able to believe this. "Even if we ended up living apart?"
I sense Jake shifting in his chair, no doubt bothered by my connection with my husband, but I ignore him. I'm too busy watching Ryan's face to assess if he's serious.
"I'd rather you were in Ottawa, of course. I need to stay there, for work and for my mother." His eyes, serious and focused, hold mine. "But..."
He taps his wedding band, and I know what he's saying.
Now and forever.
*****
We hang out at Starbucks a while longer, then Ryan checks the traffic report on his phone and says, "The highway's clear now so I should probably head out."
I'm surprised by my disappointment. I didn't think I wanted to see him, but we've had a great weekend together and now I don't want him to leave, and I especially don't want him to leave me with Jake. I don't want to hear Jake badmouthing him. "Are you sure you shouldn't wait a little longer? Just to let the backlog of cars through?"
Ryan looks at me, surprised, then a smile tugs at his mouth and warms his eyes. "A few more minutes wouldn't hurt. But then I really should go."
"I'll get you a coffee for the road," I say. "It's a long drive."
He grimaces. "Don't remind me. But at least I didn't get stuck in the traffic jam."
Jake and Hannah don't need another drink, so I buy a new coffee for Ryan and one for myself, add the right amount of sugar to both drinks and the drop of milk Ryan likes to his, then sit down next to him. He takes the cup, says, "Thanks," and takes a sip. "Perfect. You got it exactly right."
I smile at him, feeling warm and fuzzy, and he smiles back.
Jake clears his throat. "So, Kate, what are you up to this week?"
I shrug. "Three therapy sessions, a bit more apartment organizing... nothing big. You?"
"Not much," he says, and I wonder why he asked since he doesn't seem to want to continue the conversation but then realize he was just trying to stop me and Ryan connecting. Annoyed, I say to Ryan, "And what are your big plans?"
"Work. Seeing my mom." His eyes hold mine and it feels like there's something else he wants to say, but all he adds is, "And I'll probably go to the gym at least a few times. Wild and crazy stuff."
I smile, then for completeness ask Hannah what she's doing.
She brushes her fingers over her plan folder. "Working on this." Her eyes light up. "Would you meet with me later in the week? I could use more advice."
"For sure. Just let me know when."
She grins, then says to Ryan, "I'd ask you too but you won't be here."
"I'm here in spirit," he says jokingly, but our eyes meet again and I'm not sure he's really joking. He is here in spirit, here with me in the memories we share though I can't access mine and in the diamond rings on my right hand. I think I like it.
"Well, I'm here in the flesh," Jake says. "So call me if you want, Hannah. You too, Kate, for that matter. We could do lunch again."
I mumble something noncommittal and wonder why Jake has to emphasize that I see him during the week. Ryan knows, though I doubt he likes it much, and Jake knows he knows and probably knows he doesn't like it.
I think I answered my own question: he's doing it on purpose to sting Ryan. And I don't appreciate it.
After a brief awkward pause, Ryan says, "I'll just visit the bathroom and then I think it's time for me to go."
I nod, and he gets up and heads to the back area of Starbucks where the bathrooms are.
"Great, he mentioned it and now I have to go." Hannah hops up and follows Ryan away.
I want to give Jake grief for the whole 'I'll be seeing your wife while you're gone' thing, but I have something else I want to ask, something that's been nagging at me all weekend, and this might be the perfect time. I haven't thought it through so I just say it, hoping I'll find the right words somehow. "I know you spent a lot of money on me when I was living with you."
"Don't thank me again," he says, reaching for his nearly empty drink. "It's okay."
"I wasn't going to, actually. Although yes, thank you. But I really wanted to, well, offer you some of it back."
He raises his eyebrows. "How will you do that? You don't have a job."
"True, but..." I have credit cards and bank accounts and a husband who's told me I can spend whatever I feel is right. "I do have money."
"You have his money," he says, jerking his head toward the bathrooms. "And I won't take even a cent from him."
"But it's not from him, it's from me. Because I know you don't have a lot and--"
"I have enough."
His voice, cold and hurt, cuts me off, and he goes on. "I have enough, and I wouldn't take it even if I didn't. Save that money. You're going to need it when you're off on your own."
I frown, lost. "Why will I be--"
"He did something to you," Jake says in a low fierce voice. "You ran for a reason. And if you don't already know the reason and just haven't told me, you will know it soon and then you'll know he's no good."
"I--"
"No. I didn't help you to get repaid. I helped you because it was right and..." His eyes meet mine. "To make up for things I might have done wrong."
The rape charge.
He leans forward. "Frankly, I'm offended that you offered. Didn't I make it clear it was a gift?"
"Yeah, but..."
Jake mutters, "He's coming back," then says loudly, "You can finish that sculpture whenever you want. And if you find something else you want to try sculpting, let me know."
Ryan sits down partway through this sentence and looks at me. His eyes are calm but somehow I know he's bothered by something. His words don't let on, though. "You're a sculptor now?"
I shrug. "Hardly. But I'm making a model of Jake's hand, or trying to anyhow. It's not great but I'm having fun with it. Hey, am I artistic? As far as you know?"
He shakes his head. "Brilliant at business, and you love looking at art, but I've never seen you make any. When you finish the hand, I'd love to see it."
"Sure."
He glances at Jake, then they both look away. As a teenager I thought it'd be deliciously romantic to have two guys fighting over me. Now I know it's just awkward.
Hannah comes back and Ryan gets up before she can sit down. "I really should go."
Ryan helps me into my jacket, then puts on his while the others do the same, and we head outside into the dark cool night.
"I can drive you home if you'd like," Ryan says to me, but we're close to the on-ramp for the highway and taking me home would be way out of his way so I say, "Thanks, but I'm fine. The subway station's just around the corner. You get yourself back to Ottawa before it's really late."
He nods. "Take care, Donna."
"You too."
We look at each other for a moment. I know he wants to hug me, but I also know that even more he wants me to hug him. And I want to, want one more of those firm strong embraces before he leaves for the week, so even though I know Jake's watching I open my arms to my husband.
He pulls me close and we hold each other for a few seconds, then he draws back enough to look at me and says, "Have a great week. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Sounds good. Drive carefully."
"Will do." He smiles at me, then lets me go and says, "Good luck with the planning, Hannah. And Jake?" I tense, but he says in a calm voice, "Have a good week."
"You too," Jake says, sounding like someone's hauling the words from him, and Hannah says, "Bye now."
Ryan looks at me for a long moment. If the other two weren't there I think he might try to kiss me, but instead he gives my shoulder a squeeze then turns and walks away.