I stare at Ryan, hardly able to breathe. My Jake? Well, he's not mine, but whatever. That guy, the sweetheart who saved me from the fight at his bar and from the guys who'd got me drunk so they could do who knows what with me? "I can't believe that."
"I have the police report if you want to see it."
"I don't. Tell me." I don't want to know but there's an unpleasant little tickle at the back of my mind, something I'm trying to ignore which will not be ignored any longer.
Ryan's first words bring the tickle front and center and make it real. "We only have Jake's word for how he met you and how he helped you. His boss saw you at the fight and saw Jake take you inside, but after that he told the investigator he was too busy to see anything else except you leaving, drunk, with Jake when the bar closed. There's no way to know what really happened. He might have drugged you, taken whatever money you had with you, he might even have... done things to you."
"I asked him if we had sex," I say, my mind whirling. "That first day, I asked. He said no."
Ryan strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. "So maybe you were having doubts even then."
I withdraw my other hand and rub my face, then to my surprise slip that hand back into Ryan's grip. I want the comfort of his touch. "I don't know." I look up at his concerned face. "I can't imagine Jake a rapist. Dragging some woman off the street... I just can't see it."
Ryan shakes his head. "It wasn't like that. The woman claimed they'd met at his bar and were fooling around but then he wouldn't stop when she didn't want to go any further."
The way that police officer had eyed me before letting me leave with Jake. She'd known about the charge. "Was he just charged? Or was he convicted?"
"Just charged. The woman insisted she'd said no, Jake insisted she hadn't, and she eventually decided not to take it to a trial."
I frown. "Why not? If I'd been raped I'd want to make sure the bastard got what was coming to him."
Ryan nods slowly. "The problem is the 'he-said-she-said' thing. They'd have to be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Jake was told no and went ahead anyhow and that's really hard to do."
I look down at the table. I have no idea what to say. I want to say there's no way Jake would have done that, but I can't. Not that I think he's cruel or abusive, but he's not a noticing kind of guy and, though I hate it, I can imagine him simply not hearing her say no. She'd been saying yes while they were fooling around, and he might not have recognized her change of attitude when it happened.
Ryan squeezes my hands. "I'm sorry. I really am. I figured I'd find out he had a few outstanding parking tickets, or an ex-wife he hadn't mentioned. I never thought there'd be something like this."
I raise my head. "Why'd you investigate him at all without telling me? I should have known."
His eyes hold mine. "If I'd found nothing I wasn't going to tell you I looked into him."
Rage flashes through me. "So you'd keep me in the dark. Can't trust me to handle it? Big man Ryan gets to decide what happens to me?"
He's taken aback. "I didn't mean it like--"
"Maybe not but that's what you did. Choosing on your own what's right for me. Don't do it any more. I am in charge of my own life, Ryan, and don't you dare forget it." I push my chair back. "I have to go."
"Donna, wait," he says, but I head out of the restaurant.
He catches me at the door. "Don't run away. Please. We need to talk."
I turn back, surprised. "I'm not running away."
"Then where are you going?"
I raise my chin. "To talk to Jake."
*****
Two hours later I stand outside Jake's apartment. Ryan wanted to come with me, and part of me wanted him to, but I don't want him there glaring at Jake while I ask him about all this. I don't entirely trust Ryan yet, don't know how he'd act at Jake's place, and I'm definitely not thrilled that he investigated Jake without my knowledge. But I'm also not sure I trust Jake any more either.
Could the man I thought was my rescuer actually be a predator?
He certainly doesn't look like one when he opens his apartment door to me. He's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, his feet bare, and he looks casual and relaxed, and pleased to see me.
"How's it going, Kate?"
I step inside as I say, "Good. You?"
"Great."
He closes the door behind me and a shiver of alarm skitters down my spine. Silly, since I've been alone with Jake so many times, but now it feels different.
"Weren't you supposed to be out with Ryan?"
"Yeah, and we had dinner but he's back at his hotel room now." No doubt he's sitting anxiously awaiting my call or message. He made me promise to let him know when I'm out of Jake's place. While I truly can't believe I'm in danger, Ryan's concern is still touching.
Jake walks into the living room. "Didn't have a good time with him, I take it."
"Actually, I did." I follow slowly, waiting to see where Jake sits before taking a spot a little away from him. "We had a nice talk."
To my surprise, we really did. Once I'd arranged to meet Jake, I'd said to Ryan, "Well, let's not talk about it any more," and we'd moved on to all sorts of different things and had become so relaxed that I'd been surprised when he pointed out the time and said I should get going to Jake's. His hug outside the restaurant was comforting, and while our first embraces hadn't felt familiar they did now. I was growing used to being in my husband's arms.
"Glad to hear it. So what's up?"
I don't want to say it, but I have to. "Ryan had you investigated."
I watch him closely as the words sink in, and my heart sinks along with them when I see his reaction. He doesn't look indignant that Ryan would do such a thing, or offended.
He looks resigned.
I was planning to wait and see what Jake said before telling him what Ryan found, but instead I say, "Is it true?" in a voice that's nearly a whisper.
Jake presses his lips together and studies me without speaking for a long moment. Then he says, "Define true."
I lean back in my chair. I don't want semantics, I want to know what happened. "You were charged with sexual assault."
He nods.
"The woman claimed she said no and you claimed she didn't. Right?"
Another nod.
"Did you really not hear her?" This does come out as a whisper, barely audible to myself, but he hears it. Of course, he must have known it'd be my next question.
"I've gone over and over it in my head. Things were really hot between us. I hadn't had sex for quite a while and I definitely wanted her. She wanted me too. I know that for sure."
The way he's avoiding actually answering the question is making my stomach flipflop uncomfortably. I don't know what else to say, though, so I sit and wait.
Eventually he sighs. "Kate, I don't know. When I run through the night in my mind I don't hear her saying no. I have no memory of it. She did seem upset afterward but I figured it was just 'shouldn't have slept with a stranger' remorse."
She'd been upset right after. Wouldn't that kind of remorse have waited until after she sobered up?
I'm beginning to feel light-headed. Doctor Ferraro's breathing exercises come to mind, and when I try one I realize that I'm taking nothing but tiny little sips of air, nowhere near enough to keep me functioning properly. After two deep slow breaths following the good doctor's instructions, I'm able to say, "What happened then?"
He sighs. "She left the bar, and I went back to work."
"You were working?"
He nods. "We'd been flirting most of the night and when I had a half-hour break we went out behind the bar. Her suggestion. 'So we could talk without being bothered.'"
They'd had sex in the alley behind the bar. A quick slam and then back to work for Jake. Even if it wasn't assault, it's so not something I'd want to do.
I am beyond terrified to ask but I have to. "What happened with us the night we met?"
He leans forward and I flinch back.
His eyes widen. "You're that afraid of me? What the hell did he tell you?"
"Only what I've told you," I say, then gather my courage and add, "Why, is there more?"
"Not a damn thing. The next day the cops showed up and took my statement and then charged me with... well, you know. It went on for a few weeks but then she withdrew the charges and it was over."
Not for her, I'd bet. If she truly believed he raped her, it might never be over.
"Surprised he let you come here alone."
"He didn't want to," I admit.
Jake shakes his head but doesn't speak.
I have more I need to say. "You said that the night we met some men were making out with me and... doing other stuff." He's never quite spelled it out but I think they'd done more than kiss me.
He nods. "Had their hands all over you."
I shiver. So creepy that it happened and I don't remember it at all.
"And this whole thing is why I had to take care of you. Those guys were definitely not going to listen if you said no at any point and I couldn't bring myself to leave you with them."
But had he taken me home instead so he could have me all to himself?
I take a few more deep breaths then look him in the face and ask. "Did you have sex with me that first night?"
Anger flares in his eyes but he takes a deep breath of his own and says, "No. You begged me to, actually, but I vowed never again to sleep with a drunk woman and I didn't break that vow. The only contact we've had, you were awake and sober for."
My cheeks flame. "I begged?"
He nods. "That's why you were naked. You ripped your clothes off and told me you wanted to..." His neck flushes. "Well, you were pretty graphic."
I blush more even though I have no recollection of this and indeed no idea of what I could tell him I wanted to do.
"I said no, and you got into bed and tried to be all sexy but then you passed out. I was going to sleep on the couch but thought you might be scared if you woke up alone so I slept next to you." His eyes lock with mine. "Without touching you. I swear."
I want to believe him.
I do believe him.
I think.