warning: brief mention of suicide.
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CHAPTER TEN
SECRETS
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When Dmitri had heard that Trinh was throwing a party for his birthday, he didn't expect him to invite over fifty people.
Drunk bodies were practically slamming into each other, the air reeked of an unpleasant mixture of alcohol, sweat and perfume, there was a wine stain on Trinh's sofa, one that Dmitri knew would piss him off when he was sober.
Quite frankly, the only reason Dmitri was even at the party was because it was Trinh. And as much as he hated to admit it, he loved Trinh. A lot. And he wouldn't miss his birthday for the world, even if he hated parties with every fibre of his being.
"D," Eden laughed out, shoving into Dmitri, causing the two of them to crash onto the couch. "Dmitri! You have such a funny name. Dmi-tree. Dee-mee-tree? I dunno. You're D to me. Just D. But if you don't like nicknames, you have to tell me. Your name is beautiful. You're beautiful," she slurred, taking a swig out of her fourth glass of champagne— or was it her fifth? Dmitri couldn't be sure— and downing it in two giant gulps.
Trinh shook his head at that and let out a loud laugh, his dark eyes sparkling as he did. "Yeah! Dmitri's so pretty, and— I don't fuckin' know. I don't like men, but Dmitri, you're—" Stopping mid-speech, Trinh blinked his eyes once, and then, again, before gasping and saying, "Wait. Dmitri. Are you not drinking?"
I'm never going to forget my name, everyone's saying it so much. "Trinh, I can't drink," he reminded, reaching out to steady Eden's hand, which was slowly falling limp, the champagne nearly spilling out of her glass. I wish I could drink.
"Oh, right," Trinh mumbled in response, waving at someone else with a large smile stretched across his lips. Then, he threw a hand over his mouth and gasped. Again. "We can get high to-gether! Later, though. When—" A huff later, Trinh shook his head, clearly getting rid off the memories of his previous sentence as he sloppily planted an alcohol-filled kiss on Eden's cheek. "I love you, baby."
"I love you, shut up," Eden shot back, golden strap of her dress completely slipping off her shoulder until Dmitri pushed it back up for her. "Thank you, bestie," she mumbled, turning her head around to peck at Dmitri's cheek. "I'm so queer, Trinh. So, so queer. For you. Only you."
Deciding that he had seen enough of their relationship to last him a month, Dmitri patted the two of them on their shoulders as he disappeared into the kitchen, still keeping a watchful eye on them.
He had seen Trinh get drunk multiple times, and it was one of the best and worst things to experience. He got so reckless, almost to the point where he was a danger to himself and everyone else, and he did the most stupid shit, if no one was around to keep him in check.
Eden, however, didn't get drunk very often. Meaning that she couldn't hold her alcohol at all. But when she did, she was exactly like Trinh— reckless, wild and incredibly amusing to be around when drunk.
Unfortunately, Dmitri never got drunk.
Sighing, he poured a glass of water for himself from Trinh's cabinets, taking a small sip of it to make sure that it wasn't vodka, because the last time he had mixed alcohol and antidepressants... wasn't a good time. At all.
"Dmitri," someone's voice said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Dmitri. Watch me—" A hiccup. "Watch me shotgun this beer!"
And at once, as much as he wished he didn't, Dmitri knew who it was.
"Tariq," he muttered softly, shaking his head. "The fuck are you doing? You can't drink."
Beaming up at Dmitri, Tariq shrugged, puncturing the beer can with a knife— one that he definitely should not have had with him. "I can drink, fuck you. Will this leave me in more pain than I'm always in? Yes. Will I have the best fuckin' time that I've had in a long time? Fuck yeah."
Oh my god. He couldn't fucking believe it. It was bad enough that he was stuck with Tariq, but a drunk Tariq? That was way too much to handle.
Tariq was... Every kind of drunk, all in one. The giggly one, the philosophical one, the overwhelmingly sad one, the horny one, the emotional one, the incoherent one, the wild one. Everything.
And fuck, was it a pain to deal with.
"Watch me, Dmitri!" he chirped, and that was all he said before lifting the can up to his lips, and downing the entire thing in exactly three seconds.
Three fucking seconds.
"Good job," Dmitri stated dryly, taking the empty can out of his hand and tossing it in the trash, choosing to turn a blind eye to the acute number of cans in the trash. "Yeah, that's enough for the night. Drink some water," he urged, tossing a bottle of water in his direction.
Of course, since Tariq was incompetent, he didn't catch the bottle, letting it fall to the floor instead. "Oh no."
This fucking bitch.
The fact that this was the first conversation that the two of them had had in six whole days was appalling. And frankly, embarrassing, because their last conversation, if he could even call it that, was about him trying to end his own life.
But he didn't want to think about that. Now, or ever.
"Dmitri," Tariq whined softly, taking a seat on a chair in the kitchen and resting his head on the table, arm covering it. "Dmitri."
Pulling a chair out for himself, Dmitri shot a quick look in Eden and Trinh's direction, the worry tickling the back of his mind easing slightly when he saw them comparing hand sizes, Eden's hand interlacing Trinh's hand as they did.
They were so gross, it hurt.
"Stop— ! Stop ignorin' me, Dmitri." Tariq raised his head up from the table and smiled that smile of his. "I'm gonna tell you something! Do you wanna know my secret?"
"Absolutely not."
Nonchalantly waving him off and nearly smacking his face at the same time, Tariq hummed. "I'll tell you, because I trust you!" Fuck. "Did you know I had a boyfriend? For like— eight months. Wild, no?"
Holy shit. "Tariq, you are drunk," he reminded, lowering his volume when Tariq's eyebrows pinched together in a small wince. "We're not talking until you're sober. Fully sober."
This wasn't what Dmitri had expected when he showed up to Trinh's party. He had expected having to help a drunken Eden and Trinh back to his room, maybe push Eden's hair out of her face as she puked, listen to the two of them go on about things that made zero sense.
He hadn't expected to have his first civil conversation with Tariq.
"I am sober," Tariq insisted, before snapping his fingers together and grinning. "Okay, okay. Watch this. This will prove my sober-ness."
"Sobriety."
"No."
He held a single finger up, moving it closer and closer to Dmitri's face until he placed it directly on his nose, pressing down on it with a hum. "I can touch your nose! It's really pretty. Your nose. That means that I'm sober as fuck, and you're just infuriating. Hmph."
Dmitri was almost certain that he was going to knock someone out by the end of the day.
"Tariq." Reaching up, he held Tariq's hand by his wrist, slowly pulling it away from his face and placing it back on the table. "You've always touched my nose, you're used to it. Pick a real struggle."
Frowning, Tariq stared at Dmitri for a second, before saying, "I don't think that's how that phrase is used."
As Dmitri was about to reply, Tariq continued with a low groan and a sniff. Okay, he's emotional. Or he has a cold. Both are plausible. "Anyway. You interrupted me! Bitch."
"I literally—"
"Again! Always interrupting. Very ugly of you." Tariq smiled again, the slight emotion behind his eyes disappearing with that single smile. "I had a boyfriend. He was so horrible. Not you, don't worry. You were a good boyfriend, Dmitri. Best boyfriend ever. Love doesn't hit the same after you. You were the best. I'm sorry," he mumbled, downing two more glasses of champagne. "But that guy was mean. Stupid guy. Don't even— I don't even remember his fuckin' name."
Dmitri frowned, a pang of pain striking at his chest. He wanted to know more, it was only natural, but not like this. Not while Tariq was drunk.
So, all he said was, "Tell me when you're sober."
"Wanna know another secret? This one's a fun one!" Tariq assured, his trembling hands just about dropping the champagne glass in his hand. And just like he did for Eden, he reached over to steady his hand, prevent it from spilling onto the marble floors of Trinh's house.
"Tariq. No."
"I have a lot of money," Tariq whispered, inching closer to Dmitri. "Like, I have a fuck ton of money, Dmitri."
Not as bad as I expected. "Yeah? That's great. Good for you."
"No, it's not—" he stopped talking, before gasping dramatically and saying, "Let's go to a room. Dmitri. I can only tell you my secret if we're alone. We have to be alone."
Typically, Dmitri would have been mildly pissed that he was forced into helping a drunk person at a party, as he always was. But for once, he was thankful, because he definitely didn't want to hear Tariq spilling his secrets and not remembering any of them the next morning.
Nodding, Dmitri yanked Tariq off the chair and dragged him all the way to the second bedroom of Trinh's house, the one that he used as a guest room.
"Stop pullin' me," Tariq groaned as he rested his head on Dmitri's shoulder. Oh my god. What the fuck? "Unless you want me to throw up on you."
"Just— tell me your secret. Or whatever."
I hope this doesn't go badly.
Flopping down onto the bed, Tariq grinned with his semi-crooked, semi-straight teeth on full display. "You have to sit down. Or lie down. Next to me!"
"Not next to you," Dmitri declined, removing his own shoes and then, Tariq's shoes, laying down on the bed with a deep sigh. "What's your secret?"
"But first, Dmitri, you can't tell anyone!" he cried, throwing his arm over his forehead. "If you tell anyone, I'll cry. I swear, I'll cry." Jesus fucking Christ.
Dmitri shook his head. "I don't think you should be telling me when—"
"Shush. I sell nudes. Like, nudes. I sell them, and I make so much money out of them. People love my body, it's fucking unreal."
What?
Tariq laughed, flipping over so that he was on his back now. "No need to look so shocked. I guess people like the fuckin' sickly look that I've got going on for me," he joked, but Dmitri knew that that wasn't entirely a joke. That Tariq hated when people romanticized sick people's bodies, just romanticized sick people in general. Who wouldn't hate that?
"You look a lot healthier than you used to," Dmitri pointed out, patting Tariq's cheek when he caught his eyes fluttering shut, a yawn escaping his mouth. "Stop that, you need to drink some water before you sleep."
If Eden could see him, she definitely would've made some stupid joke about him being a mother hen or something along those lines.
Where the fuck was Eden?
Tariq groaned, yawning softly. "'M not sleepin'. Jus' tired," he mumbled, and before Dmitri knew it, he was laying his head down on his lap, like he always did when he was tired, drunk, or sad.
Right now, he was all three of those things.
"I don't only sell nudes," Tariq defended softly, looking up into Dmitri's eyes. He had the prettiest eyes Dmitri had ever seen, and fuck, he hated them. "I do the art thing, I dunno the word. The selling thing. For money. People askin' me to paint shit for them, and I—"
"Commission?"
Tariq smiled softly and hummed. "You're so smart, Dmitri," he slurred, adjusting his head such that his face was practically shoved into Dmitri's thigh.
"Sometimes, I wish I went to college," he continued, speech muffled. "But like— I'm living my best life right now. I think."
"By selling dick pictures?"
Snorting, Tariq pushed himself into an upright position, finally allowing Dmitri to breathe properly, as he said, "Well, that's just a bonus. I like meeting new people, hearing their stories about why they wanna get tattoos and everythin'. But it's— it's painful, sometimes. People tend to—" Another hiccup. "People trauma dump a lot. To me. And it's really hard to hear them talk about their dead partners or their dead siblings, shit like that. I want to listen to them. But it makes me feel shitty, sometimes.
"I'm so tired of everything aching, Dmitri," he continued, his voice cracking as he spoke. Ouch. Fuck. "I know that this is fuckin' stupid, but— my physical health is shit. You know that. My job makes it worse sometimes, 'cause I'm— you know. I'm standin' for hours on end. So... I hate when my mental health goes to shit, too, because then, everything is fucked. End my suffering, please."
Emotional Tariq was very, very painful to listen to.
"But it's okay!" he chirped, wiping at his eyes harshly and shooting him a watery smile. "You're the only one I can talk to about this. Everyone else, Quentin, included— oh, that's his name— just says that it makes no sense, like— of course I fuckin' know it makes no sense, who the fuck gets muscle cramps from magnesium and B12 deficiencies? Wack. It's so fucked up, because it doesn't even make sense.
"I just wish my body would get its shit together, because I've been taking the vitamins. I take all the fuckin' vitamins in the world, and I still get sick so fuckin' often. I eat healthy, I do everything. 'M just so tired of people sayin' that it makes no sense, like, I know. It's not even nerve pain or anything. It's just— just my body being fucked up."
Dmitri sighed. This wasn't the first time he had heard Tariq talk about this. And it wouldn't be the last. But it didn't hurt any less.
"Anyway," Tariq mumbled under his breath. "You're so gorgeous, Dmitri. You're stunning. I miss having sex. Fuck me."
Horny Tariq was even worse.
"Drink some water," Dmitri instructed, handing him a bottle. Please, please don't spill the water. Please.
God must have heard his prayers, because Tariq managed to take a few sips of water, until his hand went limp again and the bottle tilted to the right, water nearly spilling out of it.
"Your hands," Tariq mumbled as Dmitri steadied his hand, taking the bottle out of it and setting it down on the table. "They're beautiful. They're so nice. Dmitri. Are you listening?"
I wish I wasn't. "Go to sleep, Tariq." As those words left his mouth, he heard a faint giggling outside the bedroom door. The door swung open, and in walked Trinh and Eden, arms linked together.
A sharp gasp escaped Eden's mouth and she threw a hand over it. "Sorry!" she whisper-shouted, turning to Trinh and saying, "We're interruptin' somethin', baby. Let's go to your room."
Trinh snorted, his blue hair plastered to his forehead which was shining with sweat. "Okay, my love. I love you," he slurred, planting his lips on the top of Eden's head, cheeks and then her lips.
Tariq chose that moment to let out a groan, his body folding in on itself as he bent forward and said, "I'm gonna throw up. And not 'cause Eden and Trinh are really, really gross, and sappy, and cute, and I want that."
Oh god. "Just— wait here for a second. Please don't throw up on yourself. Please." Pushing himself off the bed, Dmitri placed one hand on Eden's back, and the other on Trinh's, guiding the two of them all the way up to Trinh's room.
Once he successfully got them situated in Trinh's room, he turned around and said, "Are you two gonna be okay?" as he poured two glasses of water and handed it to them.
"We're fantabulous," Eden mumbled, shoving her face into the same pillow that Trinh had already fallen asleep on. "I love you so much, Dmitri. So, so much. You're my bestest buddy. You know that? I love you. A lot. So much."
Then, she placed her lips on Trinh's cheek, whispering something in his ear, even though he was knocked out, and smiling to herself.
There wasn't much that Dmitri could say to that, Eden was too delirious to even comprehend anything, so he just spread a quilt over the both of them, tucking Trinh's feet into it and closing the door behind him.
When he made his way back down to the guest room, he was honestly shocked to find Tariq in the same position he had left him in, hunched over and pale in the face.
"Tariq," he whispered, shaking his shoulder. "Do you still feel sick?"
Nodding, Tariq groaned, and all he said was, "Help me, please," before stumbling up to his feet and swaying for a second. At once, Dmitri moved so that he was on his right, bending down to wrap an arm around his waist and direct him to the bathroom.
"You're so tiny," he muttered under his breath. "So small."
Tariq snorted, resting his entire body weight (which wasn't a lot) on Dmitri. "Not what you seemed to—"
"No dick size jokes."
"Boring ass."
Huffing, Dmitri set Tariq down in front of the porcelain bowl, and said, "Aim for the toilet if you throw up." Am I being too harsh?
But Tariq just shook his head, gagging into his hand. "I feel sick," he said, as if Dmitri didn't already know that. This is fucking ridiculous. "I don't wanna throw up."
"I know, Tariq, but—"
Thankfully, before he could go any further, Tariq whimpered softly, his head disappearing into the toilet bowl as he threw up all the alcohol he had consumed for who knows how long.
Dmitri sighed, getting down onto his knees and pushing Tariq's hair out of his face, rubbing small circles onto his back. "You're the absolute worst. You know that you can't hold your alcohol. Lightweight."
Sniffing, Tariq coughed harshly into the toilet, Dmitri's hand still placed on his back without him even realising it. Is it too late to take it off?
"I just— I don't wanna be the sick dude anymore," he mumbled, his voice so soft that at first, Dmitri didn't know if he had even heard him right. "I wanna go to parties and drink without— without thinking about how it messes with my magnesium pills, or my vitamin B pills, or my iron, or— you get it. I wanna stop feeling physically ill. I wanna live. Just for a minute."
Of course, because the universe was a dick, Tariq's words were followed by another round of him retching, his back convulsing under Dmitri's hand.
"If I get a muscle spasm on my back right now, I swear, I'll cry. Not joking." Laughing weakly, Tariq spat into the toilet, leaning into Dmitri's body, involuntarily or voluntarily, he couldn't tell. "Low magnesium gang, rise up."
Frowning, Dmitri lifted Tariq up to his feet, waiting for him to finish rinsing his mouth with mouthwash. Once he was done, he just stumbled back into bed, crashing into it and groaning softly.
"I'm gonna say something now," he uttered silently, and that was all he said before going completely quiet.
Dmitri poked his shoulder once, and then, again. "Are you asleep, or— ?"
"I'm sorry," he mumbled into the pillow. "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said what I said that day. A week ago. I'm so, so sorry. That was so fucked up of me to do."
Oh.
"Tariq, not tonight. Please," he whispered, the buzzing in his ears getting louder, going from dull to throbbing. "You're so fucking drunk, you won't remember shit tomorrow."
Tariq flipped over, laying flat on his back as he said, "I'm not drunk, Dmitri. I promise you, I'm not drunk." Then, he repeated, "I swear, I'm not drunk. Tired as fuck, nauseated, but not drunk. Promise."
"Okay," Dmitri relented. "And it's okay— well, it's not, but... You didn't expect that."
"Still doesn't make it okay!" Tariq cried out, his face still pressed into the pillow. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Dmitri. So fucking sorry. That's not something you say to anyone, especially to someone who—"
Tried to kill themselves. "You can say it."
"Why did you do it?"
No. Absolutely not.
This conversation wasn't something that Dmitri wanted to have. Because those memories were buried under the memories that he had spent the next three years making, in the hopes to erase what was the worst time of his life. And he didn't want to dig them up again.
"I was tired," he admitted, yawning immediately after. It's past two. "I was just... really fucking tired. I was tired of a lot of things, but mainly myself."
Twenty was easily the worst year of his life.
"Dmitri, but why—"
"I'm not that person anymore," he interrupted softly. I hate this. "I swear, I'm not that person anymore."
Tariq shook his head, a small sniff coming from his side. "I cried so much the other day, last week, whatever. I don't cry that much, but holy shit, Dmitri, you tried to—"
I can't listen to this anymore. "Tariq, this is not a good time to have this conversation," he said, his voice a hollow whisper, cracking from the earthquake that was building up in his chest. "I don't want to make you cry." That's the last thing that I want to do.
For the most part, he was over it. He still had days where he would get hit with the worst fucking memories of that day, where would beg for Eden to come to his room because he was too scared of himself to be alone. But it didn't haunt him like it did before.
Nodding slowly, Tariq just closed his eyes. And for a minute, everything was quiet. Dmitri's mind was quiet.
Then, Tariq said, "I know that we're not together. And we'll never be together. But... I wish I could've been there for you, in some way. You shouldn't have had to suffer alone. No one deserves to suffer alone, but you, especially, don't, Tri."
Just that one word coming out of Tariq's mouth was enough to let Dmitri know that he was either still drunk, or very, very tired.
And that he wouldn't remember anything in the morning.
Tariq yawned before Dmitri could reply, kicking the blanket on his own body, still wearing his jeans and his mostly unbuttoned black shirt.
"If I sleep, will you stay?" he mumbled, eyeliner on his eyes smudging when he rubbed them. Wait. Eyeliner? "Please?"
There were two options. Simple ones. Yes, or no.
And Dmitri had no idea which one to pick.
"I'll stay," he assured, and the content sigh that left Tariq's mouth was so incredibly worth it.
So, Tariq made himself comfortable by placing his head on Dmitri's chest and pulling him closer, until their bodies were dangerously close to each other.
But as soon as Tariq fell asleep, Dmitri carefully moved his arm and slid out of his grip. He shot Tariq one last look, making sure that he was fine, before going into the living room and laying down on the sofa.
Because there was no way he could sleep in the same bed as Tariq. There was absolutely no way.
The house was a fucking mess, as expected, but that was for the morning.
For now, Dmitri was fucking exhausted, and all he wanted to do was rest. His body and his mind.
So, that was what he did.
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+4028
AN: hey🤸🏽♀️✨ is tariq gonna pull the 'i don't remember' card?? is tariq gonna b honest for once ????? who knows😗✌️
anywya lol im loopy as fuck so i won't make this note any longer🥰 thank u all for readinggg! have a good day heh💞