TRIGGER WARNING~~~~
TALKS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION AND RAPE
i was honestly still terrifed and i cant remember a time that i havent cried. i havent really been sleeping at night, afraid of what could happen. that night was the worst night i have ever endured and i have been through some deep shit.
the past few days have gotten better. im doing more and more each day but they still dont let me leave my bed because they think i still need rest. so heres how it went.
day 1 after the party:
today was definitely horrible. i couldnt stop crying and i had no one to comfort me since i would literally fall of the bed if they got to close to me. josh just sat next to me in pain from hearing me crying all day.
he reached his hand out to me slowly, i still got scared and flinched a little bit no matter how hard i tried. after a few minutes, i looked over at him and grabbed his hand. i held it with the last of my strength, which wasnt very much, and got used to the feeling.
day 2:
this is when everything hit me. i just wanted to cry all day and i felt like i couldnt breathe. josh looked over to me before panicking. i was having a panick attack but he wasnt able to touch me. he ended up calming me down by sitting in front of me and talking to me the entire way through so i could regulate my breaths.
everything was just worse. the way i could vividly remember what happened, the way he left bruises all over me, the way i felt so vulnerable and useless in the moment.
josh made sure to stay next to me the entire day but he was shocked when i turned myself towards him and grabbed his hands. yes, i finally grabbed both. i wrapped them around my waist as a feeling of protection. i could tell he was scared since he never loosened nor tightened his grip. he let me do most of the work, afraid of doing to much and scaring me.
day 3:
today i was really nervous and couldnt really do much. i mainly just laid there with josh by my side.
day 4:
now i was finally a little more comfortable. i was able to sleep next to josh instead of on the other side of the bed. he didnt touch me or anything, still scared of hurting me but it was something.
day 5:
"josh?"
"yeah whats up?"
"can you lay with me?"
"are you sure your ready for that?"
"mhm" i said while scooting over a bit.
he laid next to me awkwardly, not really knowing what to do. i moved my head onto his chest along with my hand. he slowly wrapped his arm around me, keeping his touch very gentle.
i felt a lot more at ease like this, a sense of security in this position. i felt like i would sleep a lot better instead of being filled with worry and terror.
day 6:
it felt slightly more normal now. he was anle to hug me or cuddle with me at any moment without me being absolutely terrified. i would slightly jump every now and then but it wasnt as bad as it was before.
they were now planning to take me out with them. they said i needed fresh air and good food since i havent really eaten much.
josh held my hand, keeping me close to him. we sat down at an outdoor table as they all ate ice cream. i leaned my head on his shoulder, staring at the center of the table.
suddenly, i felt a stare on me. i looked up to see the same guys who were at the party. i did my best to keep my breathing steady but to my luck, it didnt work. to make it even better, josh was the first to notice. he shifted his gaze to where i was looking before getting up.
next thing i know, the guy was on the floor with blood all over his face. corbyn and jack pulled him josh off, holding him back until the guys friends got him up.
josh turned to me and his once angry expression turned soft.
"im sorry baby"
"no its- its okay"
he wrapped his arms around me, gently swaying us side to side.