"Unwritten"
To a familiar stranger;
Hi. We haven't talked in ages. It's been what, two, almost three years, since we've last met? I wonder, how have you been?
And... where should I start? To tell you my story. The story that was never written.
It has been uhmm... let me count. Oh well, I can't clearly remember. But it all started when we where in third year highschool, probably SY: 2011-2012. I was at the back of our house, washing the dishes in our dirty kitchen, when I realized. You and I have been classmates for quite a long while... Ever since I transferred to UB, we were always classmates. And though in highschool, we get shuffled every year, you and I would always remain to be in the same class.
I was like... hey... maybe this is what you call destiny? And since then, I started having a crush on you.
Funny right? How shallow my reason was? Right now, I just find myself ridiculous.
Then we turned to our senior year, SY:2012-2013. I was giving the sky and it's stars an ultimatum; "If you and I would still be classmates for our last year in high school, I will continue to crush on you."
Which is why it made me very giddy to go see the section list on our very first day of senior year. Lo and behold, there it was, Prudence IV, my name. And then I scanned my eyes and was very glad to see yours was there too.
I wanted to squeal. It made my stomach flutter. I couldn't believe that my wishes on the stars came true. So on that day, my simple crush turned into an infatuation.
I don't remember it clearly, but I think our adviser told us to choose five persons to be leaders. Or maybe he just randomly picked the five of us. Amongst the five was Mona, Denie, Rachiel, Jemiah and me. But I was sure of it that all the rest had the liberty to choose their preferred leaders.
Can you remember?
I wasn't picked by anyone. Of course, some others had to be on my group. But they were only there by force, after our teacher urged them that the other groups were full. You didn't choose to be on my group either, instead you chose Rachiel. And I had this inkling that you had a crush on her. It disappointed me most. But you didn't know I had a crush on you. So you were clueless of my emotions at that time.
Again, I couldn't remember it well. But by the time we had our permanent seating arrangements, you were appointed to two seats in front of me. Now that I think of it, it was probably by alphabetical order. But even so, I thought it was destiny that I would be sitting close to you. And it made my heart pound.
Occasionally, I would catch you glancing at the back. I don't really know who you were sneaking glances at, but at the time, I assumed it was me. Of course, now that I'm older, I guess it was probably Rachiel, who was seating a few seats away from me at the back.
Then you and Edelyn started to become a thing. Both of you were actually too tall to be seated at the front row. Me and Glenn would always have a hard time copying notes from the white board. Well, the two of you would usually bicker, and eventually we made a love-team just to tease you.
For me, it was that moment that we started talking comfortably to each other. It was so fun teasing you. And it was also my way for us to become a little bit closer.
So I teased you everyday.
It was a good thing you decided to write that contract. I will not forget it. Edelyn practically forced me to sign it as a witness. She eventually transferred to another seat. And then you swapped seats with Glen. Which is why I recall you seated in front of me. But again, you were too tall. I was having a hard time copying notes. And so we've swapped seats.
I kinda regretted having swapped seats with you. It was nice finally being able to copy my notes without stretching my neck. But I wouldn't be able to observe your back. I wouldn't be able to secretly have a sniff of your faint perfume. And it would be hard to sneak a glance without being caught.
What made me happy is when you would occasionally borrow my notebook. I figured now, you have terrible eyes which was probably why you couldn't finish copying your notes. You would never know the "kilig" I've felt everytime you returned my notes. The scent of your perfume remains on the pages for a long while. And back at home, I would sniff it like a dog.
Remembering it now makes me laugh. Oh how embarrassing it is to be telling you this now!
I would never know if you ever liked me back then. But I had the inkling that you kinda did. Or maybe I was just assuming all these time. Even so, you would seem to act jealous whenever I was around Dela Cruz. And I first noticed it when we were inside the physics laboratory.
Dela Cruz had just had a new hair cut. He was semi-bald. And I was very amused by the way that he looked and laughed real hard.
"Kinsa may nag kurte nimo kay ako barangon?" I asked Dela Cruz, still amused by his bald head. "Wahahaha. Opaw. Opaw."
And then all the while I thought you were busy trying to fix an instrument for the experiment. Or I thought you were reading the instructions. But then, out of the blue, you commented; "Ngano diay ug opaw? Opaw biya ako papa."
"Palamout man gud siya tan.awon." I replied to you.
You weren't even included on our conversation. I didn't quite know why you would have to point out that your father was also bald.
Then Dela Cruz sang this weird song, I couldn't quite comprehend what it was. So I laughed again. "Unsa man na imu gi kanta? Karaan naman guro na. "
"Bag.o man gud ni nako na dunggan sa radyo." Dela Cruz replied in defense.
"Pag sure oi. Murag karaan man gud. Hahaha." I said all the while trying to read the instructions of our experiment.
"Di diay ka ganahan ug karaan na kanta?" You asked me.
Again, you weren't included on the conversation. But why did you keep on butting in?
"Mas ganahan ko ug karaan nga music", you even added.
"Awww. Mas ganahan man sad ko. Nindot mn ang karaan na music. Palamout lang jud si Dela Cruz mu kanta. Hahaha." And then we started our lab class and moved along.
Then there was this time when me and Dela Cruz got to the classroom first after our computer lab class. I was stuck with him for quite a long while. It was really embarrassing. Someone from the other section thought we were dating inside the classroom. And then you came in and saw us. You looked displeased. Or was I again assuming it all?
Of course I was just assuming. I was crushing on you anyway. So even the slightest glance would mean something when it has no actual meaning.
Do you remember? Economics was always our time. It was our time to not listen to the boring ma'am Villarojo. Did I even recall her name correctly?
I will never forget that you, Belsien (God bless his soul), Mangubat and me would just chatter on during her class. Then we would make fun of Belsien because he was a solid One D fanatic. Then probably play stupid games or talk about stupid things.
I don't know why you always leave your lovely books at home. While I, on the other hand, am almost close to being the hunchback of Notre Dame, squeezing all the books inside my backpack. It was very heavy, just so you know. And my stupid brother wouldn't even help me carry my bag into our classroom.
I do recall this one time when you asked me to share my Economics book with you. Of course, I was very pleased to do so. Excited even. But here comes Dela Cruz again.The man really irritates me when it comes to ruining our "kilig" moments.
He sat right next to me, occupying Belsien's seat. Then effortlessly asked me to share my book with him. You were there, at my back. I was confused wether to say no or yes. I assumed his parents didn't have enough money to buy all of his books. But I tried to reject him anyway.
"Ngano nako ma jud ka kanunay manghuwam? Naa mn unta si Christine or si Denie. Adto nlng huwam nila."
But he was persistent. "Sige na Gonser, buotan bitaw ka."
I wanted to tell him, "Come on, you are ruining my moment with my crush!" But as he said, I was too nice to do that. Or at least I tried to be nice. So I ended up sharing the book with both of you. Him beside me, while you were squinting your eyes at the back.
And I thought I would have a peaceful time sharing my book. But Dela Cruz was just annoying as usual. He will pull the book closer to him, and then you would react "Di ko kita." So then, I'd have to pull it back. Then vice-versa. And I had enough of it, it made me so mad!
"Oh. Inyoha na lang na akoang libro. Samok ra mo'ng duha."
Then I left both of you and shared a book with Denie instead. I don't know what you thought of it at the time. You probably don't even remember it by now. But I was so annoyed at both of you for not bringing your own books. And I ended up sharing with someone else's book, though I brought mine.
At the same class, I remembered making all of you do this stupid game of mine. Ma'am Villarojo was probably absent that day. I had this ruler with me, and you, Ihong, and Mangubat were crazy enough to let me measure your parts.
We started measuring our ears, eyes, nose and the sorts. And we would laugh after we took the measurements. Then here comes Dela Cruz again, butting into our game.
I remembered examining Dela Cruz's hand. It was nothing for both of us, and I didn't know some of our classmates would think otherwise. I honestly thought no one would notice.
I took his hand, and then laughed because it was all curvy and very calloused. I just really did it on purpose and see if you'd be jealous. Then he started to examine mine too. He said my hands were soft, and it looked like I haven't worked a day in my life. I told him otherwise; "Taka ra man ka! Ako man gud tig hugas sa balay."
"Ako sad daw, tan.awa sad ako kamot."
You reacted, and it almost made my stomach flip. As I remember your hands were soft too. They were very soft. And if I was remembering it clearly, it was also spasmic. Probably, you also made a comment about my hands. But I couldn't remember what it was, as of the moment.
Speaking of which, your hands reminded me of that one time when we were practising for UB days. Dela Cruz had forced me to be his dance partner during our practices. But then on the very first morning of our practice, he was late!
I couldn't muster up enough courage to ask someone to dance with me. But I saw that you didn't have a partner too, so I asked you instead. You didn't know how many times my mind argued against it. For it was somehow demeaning to ask one's crush for a dance, even if that person had no clue.
I think I kinda had to force you to say yes. I was pretty sure you didn't want to dance with me. Therefore thank you for agreeing, and for giving me a memory to recall.
If my memory is not failing me, everytime I would turn to spin, your clammy hands would always fail to catch me. It was irritating. You were not a good dance partner. Not at all. Which was probably why after one round of practice, I opted to ask Glenn instead.
He reeks of body odor, but I had to endure it. At least he was a better dancer. And he was my dance partner on the previous year for our Latin dance. So he knew very well how to control my body with precision. And I actually liked dancing with him.
Oh I quite remember that time we had a fight. We were all cramming to do our assignment for Economics that one morning. It was supposed to be passed before the first period. And I was, as usual, very early at school. Henceforth, I had enough time to finish my assignment. I scanned my whole book just to look for the answers. And there you were, almost running late, as usual.
By the time you came to me, I was already done with our assignment. You asked me if you could copy mine. And I was probably having a PMS at the time, so I was feeling irked at petty things. I gave you my book instead and told you to look for the answers. Despite my deep infatuation, I didn't want to spoon-feed you. Sometimes, it is better to make the effort and look for the answers on your own.
You scoffed at me. Perhaps?
But I wasn't about to let you win at all. In fact, it made me angry that you were insisting to copy my ready-made assignment. You were running out of time, was your lame excuse. Still, it wasn't my fault you always arrive at school almost, and frequently, late. Nor was it my fault that you didn't make your assignment ahead of time. Nor was it my fault, that you assumed you can just copy mine.
Then later that day, we were given another assignment. At the time, we didn't have internet at home, and the assignment required us to do a research. I asked you if you can do the research for me and I'll just pay you for the printing. But then you brought up our little banter that morning. It was probably just a joke. But I took it the wrong way. And we ended up in a much bigger row.
You tried to soothe me though. We were supposed to transfer seats for physics class. But then you blocked my way and insisted to just stay as we are. I rolled my eyes and frowned, hands over my chest.
"Ayaw na lang balhin, dire na lang ta." I remember you were trying to be nice, and you even forced a smile.
"Physics na, naa man gud tay seating arrangement." I pointed out, still frowning.
"Wa naman gud na sila namalhin oh. Dire na lang gud ta." You reasoned.
"Di ko ganahan mu tapad nimu." I remember, was my rude reply. And I moved my chair aside, so I can get away. You were still there, standing on the same spot. I glanced at your defeated smile as I walked away.
Classic-childish-version of me.
But I still do it these days, getting away from the person who's the reason for my anger. I'd rather ignore the person and cool my head off. Than to say nasty things right then and there, but regret the words later on.
The next day, we had this baby thesis project for English. And also a physics project about how to preserve a fish without putting it inside the freezer, and not putting salt. Honestly, that stupid physics project is still memorable to me.
I feel so sorry for Belsien for being our middle man. Whenever you tried to ask me a question, I wouldn't respond. Therefore you asked Belsien to relay your message, then I'd answer him instead.
It was funny and cute of us. Now that I look back, it kinda felt like a perfect scene for a Kdrama. But really, I feel bad for Belsien. He had to turn to and fro just pass our messages. When we could've just talked directly.
We had a conversation about college plans. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to take. But thanks to that seminar during our bridging program, I had set my heart on Pharmacy. I was planning to pursue medicine, but due to circumstances, I never did. You said you would too.
You wanted to become a neurologist. I wanted to be a cardiologist. It was cute that I was aiming for the heart while you stick with the brain. I found that "kilig" back then.
What happened to our plans? None of us pursued medicine. Maybe we both realised another dream?
My biggest mistake was during filling out the questionnaire for our year book. I knew you were a part of the year book committee. And I just couldn't be honest with one of the questions. Especially when you were at my back while I was answering. Plus, you would comment on some of the things I wrote. So when I was on the question of who my crush was, instead of writing your name, I wrote the word 'him'.
But Denie was courageous enough to write real names. She wrote Aldren, Ramonito and your name. Was I right? I only remembered vividly that it was both you and Aldren.
I don't know what you wrote on yours before her confession. I was hoping you would write my name. But everyone else was starting to tease you. And you liked it how someone had a crush on you. So in the end you wrote her name. And it was her name, that was printed on the final year book.
No one knew I liked you. Not until I couldn't help but tell Denie how I felt. She kept it from everyone else. And I tried to be happy for both of you. I told her I had a slight crush on you.
But in reality, it wasn't just a small, petty, "crush".
On the morning of your birthday, I wrote you a birthday greet. I taped it on your arm chair. I knew, you knew, that it was from me. But you didn't even spare a glance to read it.
You left it on the armchair right after class. I took it, and crumpled it on my hands crying on my way home. I kept it with me for years. But two years ago, I buried it under the Talisay tree, along with all the letters I've written for you and my other crushes.
The next day was worse. It was Valentine's day for pete's sakes! You and Denie were both lovey-dovey. You gave her these paper roses made of tissue, with the help of the boys. After that, she even asked me what to give you as a gift. But honestly, why was I such a martyr? I still answered and suggested some stuffs.
You treated Denie and her friends in the cafeteria. You didn't even had the decency to invite me. And while you were happy eating, I locked myself inside the comfort room, wiping my tears away.
And I thought that Valentine's was the worse. Not until Prom came, and you gave her a bouquet of red roses. After the ceremony, I couldn't find myself to have fun and enjoy the night. You asked her to dance with you. I just couldn't dare stay and see both of you happily dancing.
It was too much.
So I called my parents who were waiting outside that I wish to go home. None of them said a word when I was wiping my tears at the back of our car. When we arrived, I locked myself in my room's balcony. I was crying at the balcony the whole night. It was the night I wrote my very first confession.
But I never gave you the letter.
And again, it is now buried below the ground. For sure it has already decayed. Along with the other letters. Along with my feelings.
Let's skip the rest. This confession is already long enough to become a short story. Let's move forward to our college days.
You didn't court Denie before nor after we graduated high school. I didn't really understood why. I thought you liked her. But I was happy you didn't end up being together.
As was said, you took up Pharmacy. And as if it were destined, we were once again on same classes. Even had the same English class, when one of us could've failed the preliminary test and be enrolled to a different class.
You've changed, or was it me?
In college we barely talked. I had my new set of friends, and so did you. And these set of friends, they all knew I had a crush on you. Which was why it made it harder for me to talk to you. I couldn't be in the same space with you without being teased.
Till then you would still confuse me. Especially so when I tried to make you jealous. What was it that you felt back then?
Hit was seated on the bench right in front of you. I was passing by, I think. I wrote a passage of this on my journal, but for some reasons, I couldn't find that page now. I probably tore that part out and included it with the buried letters.
So again, Hit was sitting on the bench in front of you. He was listening to his playlist with his earphones on. I, on the other hand, took one side of his earphones and sat next to him. We listened to his playlist, and I was enjoying the sound and the rhythms. From time to time, we would both sing along with the songs. And I don't know what you were doing with your phone at the time, but you stopped and started pestering us.
"Unsa na nga kanta?", you would ask whenever I'd do a head bang or hum with the tune. "Ganahan ka maminaw sa ako mga kanta? Mga nasa 700 songs siguro ning naa sa ako'ng iphone."
You even offered your phone!
What was wrong with you back then? It was just weird that you'll say something very out of the blue. We didn't even include you on our little gig. And you were busy playing with Gilmar at the time. I didn't really expect you to stop just to bother us.
Why?
After a while, I finally decided to leave Hit and take your offer. I mean, I still had feelings for you at the time. And the gesture just blew my inards into a whirlwind.
I gave you the liberty to choose the song. So you can still play your game on your phone, while I listened. The first song you played was by Imagine Dragons; "It's Time". I enjoyed the jolly tune of it, and until now I still enjoy it. Then the next song just kept me wondering. It was that song that caused my buried feelings to resurface once more.
What was on your mind as you chose to play the song?
Were you trying to give me an indirect message?
Or did you just thought that I'd probably like the song, so then you played it?
I will never know. And perhaps you've already forgotten your reason. I will not tell you the title of the song. Figure it out on your own.
It was just a short moment. You had received a text from one of your friends, and you had to go. Well, you promised you'd let me listen later on. But it never happened again.
Months later my stupid self attempted to confess once again. Oh! I forgot to write the part where I almost slipped my letter on you backpack back in highschool. I almost did. But I was too scared you'll figure out that I was the one who wrote it.
So here we are on my second attempt. This time it was a text message. And this time, I actually did send it.
I used my little sister's new Globe number. I had your number saved on my phone book. It was no problem for me to finally send it.
I wrote a lot of songs about my feelings for you. And on that text, back when we were still college freshmen, I included one of my songs.
"If I was dying, would you care?
If I was crying, wipe my tears, would you dare?
If I'm in trouble, would you be my hero?
And if I say; "I love you"...
Would you say you love me too?"
After that song were "I-love-you's" translated to different languages. Mind you, I had to Google it all. Then, with my chest beating fast, I pressed SEND.
Do you remember receiving it?
You asked who I was. But I was a coward. So replied, "Ay hala. Wrong number. Sorry."
"Aww. Hahaha. Okay. No probs."
"Sorry jud. Na uwaw jd ko..."
I mentally want to slap my sixteen-year-old-self for taking everything back. That could've been my chance right there! But then my cowardice got the best out of me.
After that were just a series of letters I would write whenever I feel both happy, and disappointed, because of you. Mostly, it was because of disappointment. And rarely, it was the "kilig" moments.
I never got to tell you how I feel. I just buried it underneath me. Until I had enough of it and moved forward.
The last string was when we were at Cebu. I didn't know that you were starting to like Gia. And I asked you if we could go home to Bohol together. But when I woke up the next day, I found out that you've already left. There was an emergency due to one of our classmates, and you accompanied her back home.
I figured that was it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have to forget about it for good.
I realised that you liked Gia. Then the next thing was that you probably never liked me. And I was just trapping myself in this silly imagination that you might have felt something for me.
So that was the end of my feelings.
And why am I telling you this now? After all the years had gone by? Even though I no longer have feelings?
You were my only "what if".
I have already confessed to two of my previous infatuation. Both of them were unrequited. They were the ones that came after you. Both were also deep feelings.
But this one is different. I am confessing to a past feeling. A feeling that no longer exists, but still in need of a proper closure.
I don't want live thinking of the "what ifs" anymore. It would be nice to have a piece of the truth. Even if the truth isn't the way I expect it to be. Even if it was still unrequited. I would still like to know.
Did you ever felt anything for me back then?
Did you know I liked you?
If you did, was it the reason you tried to avoid me back in college?
At this moment, you already have a girlfriend. I commend you for waiting to finish your studies before getting into a relationship. I will always admire your patience. Since patience is what I lack.
Reliving the past is my worst kind of habit. But now, I can finally let go of it. For I can no longer rewind the lost time. I can only move onwards.
It's time to stop digging up what's already burrowed. The buried letters, the unsaid feelings, the "could've beens", the "what ifs", they are finally gone. I set have myself free.
Thank you.
I am grateful for the memories. I'm grateful for the "kilig moments". I'm still grateful, even if it didn't end up as a "happily ever after".
I commend you for reading until the end. I hope you enjoyed it. And I wish you well.
Until we meet again...
***
Here is a playlist I made. Most of this songs were the ones I've listened to while I was having a deep crush on you. One of them was the song you chose to play.
"The Unwritten Playlist"
*Just So You Know; Jessie McCartney
*Say I love you in a song; Jim Croce
*Say you love me; MYMP
*Take a Chance; Luigi D' Avola
*Just a Kiss; Lady Antebellum
*Thunder; Boys like Girls
*Best Friend; Jason Chen
*Love Me Instead: Moira
*You and Me; Lifehouse
*Without You; Parachute
*Closer Faster; Against the Current
*Give your heart a break; Demi Lovato
*Story of Us; Taylor Swift
*The one that got away; Katy Perry
*A thousand miles; Vanesa Carlton
*I need you more today; Caleb Santos
*Feelings; Up Dharma Down
*Torpe; MYMP
*Pangarap lang Kita; Parokya ni Edgar
*Ala-ala; Yeng Constantino
*Dati; Sam Concepcion and Tippy Dos Santos
*Nakaraan; Caleb Santos
*There never was a time; Scarlet Pimpernel