sakusa kiyoomi and reader
(haikyuu)
your pov
song: I found / amber run
♪ * ⋆ . ♫
♪ * ⋆ . ♫
The cold night winter air didn't seem to bother me, for my own guilt created a blanket of heat over my trembling body, which I didn't seem to notice. I can see a familiar warm light straight ahead of me in a sea of darkness that completely surrounds me. I don't know where I'm going or why the light seems familiar, but maybe I'll head there since I have nowhere else left to go.
♫ 𝙄'𝙡𝙡 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙣
𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚
𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙 ♫
As I keep walking, I see my breath fading out of my mouth into the night. I start to remember the time you told me how stupid I was for never wearing enough layers in the winter time, but would remind yourself that 'idiots cannot catch colds'. Even so, you insisted that I wear a bigger coat or more layers. I've always hated you for saying I was an idiot any chance you could get.
I slowly approach the barely lit oasis to reveal a swing set. Looking around, I realize I have no idea where I am. I know our old school is a couple blocks to the left from here, but I have never been down this way before.
I stop before taking a seat on the swing, thinking about how you would have to wipe it down before you got on, because you don't trust kids to keep their germs in check. I can't help my lips from curving up at the corners before I decide to sit down.
♫ 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄'𝙡𝙡 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙥𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙩
𝙨𝙤 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 ♫
I couldn't sleep, just like the last few months, and decided maybe I just needed to clear my head. I look around at my surroundings, trying to take it in. There's a small little building on the other side of the street, which looks to be a small bookstore. To the right of it, is a small little daycare, which explains the swing set being here. I keep looking around and find a volleyball a couple of feet away from my foot.
It's crazy how one little object changed my life. I still recall the first day I became manager. I walked in and you immediately sprayed me with disinfectant as some sort of 'new member ritual', to which Komori had to tell me was a normal thing for the team ever since you joined. I remember the first week of being on the team, Komori showing me the basics, basically introducing me to everyone one on one, except for you of course. You being you, practicing is always more important. I remember the first time I saw your eyes when you saw a set coming your way. They looked like an exact copy of a clear night sky, where all the stars are shining ever so brightly.
Months went by, and I finally felt like a part of the team. Komori became my closest friend, and you became my closest... rival? I never knew the right word to call us. It wasn't like we were rivals in sport, or in school for that matter. We always bickered about every possible thing, always leaving the other one angry or storming off. Komori was always watching our back and forth bickering, and he always found himself amused with it. I grew found of it, which I still can't believe I did. I hate you for not fighting with me anymore.
Why do I care so much though? I care on a another level that I just can't seem to wrap my head around.
I didn't realize until about a year after we met, but I started to notice all your little habits and from then on, I made sure I was always looking out for them. Like when your feeling anxious you curl your beautiful darker hair around your fingers, or how when you feel proud or particularly good about yourself that day, you have your shoulders a little further back than usual. Not to mention when you get angry, you have a crease that's almost right next to your two moles, almost making it into a smiley face. I have always hated how adorable you look when you get angry.
♫ 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄'𝙡𝙡 𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙛𝙩 𝙜𝙖𝙪𝙜𝙚
𝙤𝙛 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 ♫
Before I know it, I feel the warmth from my tears flowing down my face. Reaching in my pocket, I grab my phone and call the only person I want to talk to right now.
'You've reached Sakusa Kiyoomi, leave a message and I'll get back to you.' *beep*
Immediately I press the 'end call' button. What would I even say? That I hate you for leaving? That I just want to run over to you and punch the shit out of you for just leaving us like that?
I can't help but think about our entire relationship, the constant fighting, the constant need to say the last word. We were always so different, that never changed, but somehow we worked. Through all the bitterness, I could see that somewhere deep inside I truly started caring about you.
I hated how people would call you a freak or constantly try to invade your personal space just to get you on edge. I hated when people would avoid you in the halls just so they didn't have to talk to you. I hated how no one could see there was so much more to you than an overwhelming hate of germs. No matter how much you hated me, you always had an underlying need to make sure I was okay. On days where I wasn't bickering back because my mind was lost deep in the depths of hell, you noticed and did everything in your power to get me back to normal and fighting with you again. Komori would often tell me that you were worried about me on days I wasn't at school, but would always say it's because you just need someone to yell at.
My chest feels like it's on fire, the tears won't stop falling down my face, craving to be wiped away by the person I can't get out of my head.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like the world around me has gone colorless, and I'll never see the hues again? My eyes are searching and scanning for any ounce of color it can find, but none can be seen. I'm suffocated by the words I never said to you, to the point I feel like I'm sinking deep underwater, in pure silence. I let the words out hoping to reach the surface.
"I just want to fight with you. I want to know you're still here, so please, just fight with me one last time."
♫ 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙙
𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚, 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙚 ♫
Maybe you'll turn the corner, and you'll see I'm not wearing enough layers for the unwelcoming cold air, and yell at me to put more layers on. Maybe then we'll go back to fighting everyday and always getting on each other's last nerve.
I'm still suffocating on more unsaid words and tears, drowning me further and further into the abyss. I ignore the light above me, and look around for any other answers to get myself out of this hell.
I can't ignore the light any longer. Either I face it now, or I'll be gone forever. I speak as though he can truly hear every word I'm about to say.
"I'm so in love with you Kiyoomi, it hurts. I didn't even mean to fall in love. I know if you heard me say that, you would hate me for saying something so reckless. I'm so in love with you. Not a day goes by that I don't constantly think of new ways to annoy you, or figure out a different nickname to call you that day just to bother you. You occupy my every thought and I don't remember even letting you in."
I feel like I'm finally able to catch my breath, as I sit there clutching my chest, holding onto the swing. I can still feel the guilt swirling inside me, but not as much as before. I finally understand.
"Guilt consumed every fiber of my being and I only just found out why. What an idiot I am, right Kiyo? What an idiot for not figuring out my feelings sooner. I realized I don't hate you, but myself instead for ignoring my feelings. I hate myself for not telling you when I had the chance."
My chest feels normal again, not weighed down or struggling to find oxygen. I feel the cool air around me, goosebumps appearing on my arms, as if a sign to head back home to warmth. I now just sit there in the silence, realizing that I truly am all alone.
♫ 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚 ♫
"It's crazy to think I fell in love with you. I mean seriously, we're completely not made for each other. We always argue and bicker like we couldn't care less about the other. But I can't help but think of all those vulnerable moments we had together, like the fall during our third year, where you got sick and you let me come over and help take care of you, despite all the germs I could've possibly had. Maybe all our bickering was how we communicated to each other that we cared, and it all had an underlying meaning to everything we said to each other. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into things."
"I want to become someone you would have been proud to call your friend. I want to push myself to do great at something like you did with volleyball. I want to be able to keep a smile on Komori's face just like you were able to. I want to be able to have pride in myself. I wanted to take down my walls with you, but I think I'll have to do that part alone now. I will become someone who would have been worthy of your love, if I was ever someone you may have chosen. I promise you that, Kiyo."
I decided it was time to leave, and start working on that promise I made. There was nothing left for me here now.
I started to walk back in the direction of where my home was, not turning back because I know you are gone, never to be found in this lifetime again. I buried you with a piece of my heart I know I can never get back.
Maybe I can find my answer once I have passed on from this life, where I hope you're waiting for me. Even if it's an eternity of bickering, at least I'll be with you once again.
♪ * ⋆ . ♫