We sat on the couch in silence like most times now. The television wasn't on and we were just looking at our hands because we couldn't stand to look at each other any more. We used to be different before he changed and I realized he wasn’t the same any more. His smile was nonexistent now and when I looked in his eyes all I saw was dark, looming sadness. He's been my boyfriend for six years now.
“Derek, I think we need to talk,” I said breaking the everlasting silence. He just looked down at his hands and nodded solemnly. He couldn’t even look at me anymore. We were just strangers now, our relationship nothing but a ghost haunting our memories. I hated that empty feeling, we would take turns sleeping on the couch and never eat meals together for about a month now. I felt so empty and alone all the time now. Even the air around me felt colder even though it was spring time and warm out.
“I know, it’s over Danni, I’m sorry,” he said getting up off the cream colored couch and walking out of the living room. I stood up and followed him into his bed room, it wasn’t ours any more. Nothing was ours any more. It was either his or mine, we didn't share any thing any more, not even words or feelings.
“Why couldn’t you just get help?” I asked putting my hand on his shoulder to stop him. He flinched and pulled away from me. My heart dropped and I knew at that point it was shattered into pieces, lying by our feet on the shaggy carpet of his room. I felt like the white walls of his room were closing around me, trying to suffocate me. I couldn't stand it anymore.
He turned around with an angry look on his face, “it’s pointless, all those therapists care about is the checks they get in the end, my depression doesn’t matter to them,” he said. His voice was getting louder as he said this but I wasn’t going to cower in front of him. I wasn’t a weak little girl. I wasn't going to let him walk all over me and try to prove his dominance to me.
“You ruined everything, our relationship, our friendship,” I said with anger in my words. I’ve bottled all these emotions up for so long that they finally just burst out of me. Hot, angry tears came to my eyes and I tried to push them away. I knew my tears would show weakness. I couldn't let him know that I was weak.
“It’s not my fault that you wouldn’t marry me and you didn’t want kids, so really it’s your entire fault,” he screamed at me. His words always got under my skin but I wouldn’t let them this time, I was done. Usally i would beck down and walk away but not this time. This time I would stand up for myself and fight my own battles.
“I’m sorry that I’m not ready to get married and have kids, you knew what you were getting into dating someone four years younger than you. I’m sorry that I don’t want to be married at twenty-two and have a baby,” I said angrily. I wanted to stomp my foot like a little kid but that would just show that I was young a naive.
“I knew you were a mistake, you were too young to be with me, and you weren’t even legal when we started dating. I thought love could conquer all but I guess I was wrong,” he said with venom in his voice. That stung a little because he practically just said he didn't love me any more.
Looking into his blue eyes all I saw was coldness, unlike how they used to be filled with love and joy before. I refused to back down from him; I wouldn’t let him win this battle. He’s won too many before but not this time.
“When did you stop loving me?” I asked looking at his jaw line that was clenched and his dark brown hair that fell in his face. I used to love pushing his hair out of his eyes and kissing him when we used to love each other. I knew i would never be able to do that again and that thought alone saddened me.
“A month ago when I proposed to you and you said no. That night I cried all night because you didn’t love me enough to even marry me,” he said. I could see sadness in his eyes and this was the first emotion other than anger I’ve seen in him for a while now. Usally his eyes were just cold or angry but never happy, sad, or guilty.
I put my hand on his cheek but he pulled away from me and took a few steps back. “It’s not that I don’t love you, I’m just not ready to get married, I haven’t even finished college yet Derek,” I said looking at him with sorrow. My tears were now running down my face, dripping onto the floor. The white carpet was getting stained by my tear drops.
He moved over to me and his strong arms pulled me to his chest. I buried my face in his red t- shirt and sobbed. He stroked my light brown hair lightly and kept whispering, “Shh, it’s okay, you’ll be okay.” I just cried harder as he rested his chin on the top of my head, occasionally kissing it.
After a while we pulled away from each other and I saw his eyes were red and puffy too. He wiped the last of my tears with his thumbs and kissed my forehead lightly. “I think we at least need a break from each other,” he whispered.
“How long?” I asked. My voice was raspy from all the crying I was doing and my eyes felt tired a droopy. I just wanted to take a really long nap and have everything be back to normal when I woke up.
“Until you finish college and start a new job,” he said. He looked away from me and started moving towards the closet. I knew he was going to pack up my stuff and I would have to go stay at my parents’ house.
“That’s almost a year away from each other, who knows when I will get a job, I don't want to be away from you for that long Derek,” I said. I almost burst out crying again but I fought the urge and went over to the closet putting my hand on Derek’s back. He was getting my suit cases off the top shelf and putting my clothes in them.
“I know but I think we both need it. It will give me time to get better and you time to want to be with me again,” he said. He didn’t look at me as he was saying all this and I knew why. He didn’t want to change his mind about his decision.
“Okay, does that mean we won’t talk for a year or see each other?” I asked looking at the pure white carpet. I moved into his apartment when I was eighteen. We started dating when I was sixteen and he was twenty.
“No, I call you some times and Maybe we could meet once and a while. This isn’t good bye forever, Danielle, it’s just I’ll see you later,” he said. He spun around quickly and pulled me into a hug. His grip was tight on me and I squeezed him back just as hard, if not harder.
When he pulled away I reached behind my neck and unclipped a necklace I was wearing. It was a gold locket he gave me on our third anniversary. It had a picture of me and him together on one side and the other was empty. He told me the other side was for our kids someday so I always had my loved ones where ever I went.
I pulled the locket off and opened his hand putting it in side. I closed his hand with my fingers and then pulled away. “No, I want you to keep this,” He said opening his hand and trying to give it to me. I shook my head no and pushed his hand away.
Going over to the closet I grabbed my suitcases and got ready to leave. “I’ll walk you out,” He said. We walked to the door in silence. The only sound was the shuffling of our feet on the carpet.
A million memories raced through me. When we met at the coffee shop two blocks from here, our first date at a local restaurant, our first kiss outside my door step as it was snowing, when he asked me to be his girlfriend in the same coffee shop we met at, when he asked me to move in when we were making breakfast in the kitchen one morning, the time he proposed to me at the park with a big smile on his face and I rejected him.
The good and bad raced through my mind and I could feel my heart ripping itself apart as we both slowly made our way to the place where my heart would shatter for good. I knew it was time to say goodbye for now. I didn't want to but new it was necessary if were were to ever get better and love each other again.
My heart ached every step I took and I knew I was going to go home to my parents’ house and cry on my older brothers shoulder like I do every time I'm sad and heart broken. James was my rock and I was his, I comforted him when he and his girlfriend broke up a while ago. He was a mess for weeks but he met a new girl Carissa.
I was hoping that a year wouldn't seem to long but I knew it would. I had a secret but I was afraid to tell him. I knew it would change things for ever but it might just fix us and our relationship. I really hoped this secret would help but I was afraid we were hopeless and it would do nothing but get us into another fight that would make him never want to see me again.
When we got to the door I picked up the broken pieces of my heart and turned to face him. “It’ll be okay,” he said looking at me. I dropped my bags on the floor and he pulled me to him for the last time and tilted my head up planting a soft kiss on my lips. “I’ll miss you Danielle, but it's time for you to go now," He whispered as I looked into his blue eyes. They were filled with sorrow and I couldn't help but burst my secret out.
“I’m pregnant Derek.”