• 45 •
I still don't love you.
It was unnecessary. He might as well should just slice my chest open, snatch my heart, and shoot it into the sky with the colorful rockets. At least that's a creative and fun way to bring further pain to Gia. I stared, dumbfounded. Does he not have a pinch of romance in him? Just for cinema's sake?
And what the fuck were Dominic and Janella thinking? That Keenan would have a change of heart the moment he sees me? Surely that's not the case when he said 'I still don't love you' which, in the midst of celebration, was a loss to me. Keenan doesn't love me and he never will, I got it, I got it. So what the fuck is this?
The man looked left and right before taking a step forward. I backed, bumping into an old lady who I quickly apologized to. I should walk away. I should run. I should save the bits of my pride. If I can't save my heart, I can at least save some dignity. So after one last look at Keenan Travino, I turned and made a sprint for it.
I heard his voice, "Gia, wait." Which was stupid because when someone's running away from you, do you really believe a 'wait' would make them wait? And there I thought Keenan's words were always thought-through.
I slipped between bodies, not looking back, but I knew he was coming after me. Can you believe it? Keenan Travino going after me? I was flattered but not enough to stick around for history to repeat itself.
Being small had its perks. It was easy to go unnoticed but when I'd bump into people again, I got glares but didn't have seconds to spare for apologies. I wanted to be out of the place as soon as possible. I don't give a fuck about NYE anymore, never did since the moment I found out about Ralph. Keenan called out my name again. I ignored him.
If his first line wasn't 'I still don't love you, Gia' then maybe I had stuck around to hear the rest of what he had to say. But Keenan's stupid like that: he's honest in the worst times. I passed by the ice cream stand where I got ice cream. It seemed as if it were only yesterday that we were walking in the same park, Keenan telling me that he'll ask me out after expressing his hate for playgrounds. Now that I think of it, it's also like it was only yesterday when I first arrived at his mansion, him saying that he's naked behind the front door. And here we are now: Tom and Jerry.
I was doing good with running away, probably because I do the same to my responsibilities. Practice makes perfect, after all.
Or so I thought.
"Let go of me," I glared at the hand on my wrist, refusing to meet his eyes because I might not be able to stop myself from slapping him and I fucking hate Amber Heard.
"You're adorable when you're angry."
"Keenan, I'm serious," I tugged to no avail, "Let go."
But stubborn as he is, I should've expected no less. With a hand to my waist, I was pulled to face him. I cringed and at an attempt for another escape, I wiggled and swung my arms in the air, hoping to accidentally-but-not-accidentally swing at his face.
He grabbed both my wrists and locked my hands to my sides. His eyes were wide and alive, face amused. That made one of us. "You violent woman." he commented, reminding me of the first time he said the same thing: all those days ago in his living room. The memory was just as fresh as the others and that made me sad—incredibly sad to the point where I felt my eyes stinging.
He caught onto my expression quickly, his own softening. Am I seeing this right?
Better yet, should I spit on him and make another run for it while he's distracted?
I pulled my hands off of his grip and this time, he let me. I crossed my arms in between us. Then, like a violent little Minion, I huffed, "I didn't set this up, if that's what you're thinking."
Keenan swallowed hard. The man didn't know where to place his hands and him trying to figure it out, in the end putting them in his pockets, was a rare sighting of a nervous Ki. "I know, baby," he spoke, "Because I did."
I look at him, scowling. It was fake, of course. In reality, my eyes wanted to budge out of their sockets. He continued, "Gia, I still don't love—"
I covered my ears, "La, la, la, I can't hear you."
"Gianna," he warned.
Weirdly enough, it started raining. Clouds were my eyes and land was my cheeks.
"Gia," he tried again, reached for my hands to pry them off my ears.
I wiggled again, writhing as if his touch disgusted me when really I loved his touch, much like how I love the rest of him. Eventually, my squirming turned violent. "Gia," he spoke through gritted teeth, desperate.
His next line came as a plea and even though I had my ears blocked, I heard it clearly, "Talk to me." And once again, folks, he reached for my hands to put them down and I let him.
The voice that sounded from me was unrecognizable because for starters, I don't always sound like I'm sobbing. "I don't wanna hear it," I sniffled, "I don't wanna hear it, Keenan. If you brought me here just to say it again, what's the point? What do you want?" before I could think, I shoved the man by his chest, "Huh? Because I've embarrassed myself enough and the least you can do is to let me leave with the pride I have left," my voice was getting louder as I stepped forward and he stepped back, "or are you so fucking greedy that you want it for yourself too?" But Keenan's not greedy, I told myself. I just want something he can never give me. I should've just asked for a house, the possibility of receiving it's closer to a hundred.
"I don't think you know how much it hurts to think that you've changed someone," I began again, "only for them to make you feel like you never really mattered."
He bowed his head but his eyes were still on me. The tears ran down and I must look ugly—when do I not? I wiped the salt with the back of my hands. I continued, "I'm sorry, okay?" sob, "I'm sorry that I'm like every other girl who falls to your fucking feet for you to step on. I'm sorry that I couldn't be as insensitive as you. And I'm sorry for you, Keenan, I really am. Because you push people away after they get to you."
"I don't know why you chose me in the first place," I laughed at myself, "I'm not Janella, I'm not Sophia. I'm just me. I'm not the nicest, I'm not the most confident. I'm not even the prettiest—you made that known the first time I saw Ali. Remember?" I scoffed. I didn't think it would leave that much of a mark, "I'm nothing. I started as nothing and I'm leaving as nothing."
I glanced to the side. We were four minutes away from midnight. Four minutes away from a clean slate and I want to leave this all behind. I turned to Ki again, "So you know what? I have nothing to lose anymore just like I have nothing to gain," because you're not worth gaining, "Go ahead," I hugged myself, "Say what you want to say. Get this over with." I kept my distance—about a meter away. If the cold is what it's worth to be at a safe distance from Keenan, I'll take it at this point.
He sighed, fog in the air. Keenan licked his lips. If he planned this then surely he wouldn't look like what he's about to say is impromptu. Contrary, he looked like a challenged student called for a tough recitation question. "I don't love you, Gia."
I rolled my eyes at that. How many times does he have to say it?
"Because if I did, I would've treated you better," his state meant all business—gaze fierce, stance fierce, tone fiercer, "If I did love you, I wouldn't have hurt you. I get that. If I loved you, I would've told you."
Because he's honest—brutally honest. He would've done something about it. "So I don't love you, Gia. I haven't been loving you."
The tears were nonstop. My face contorted into its ugliest form yet, giving way to an exaggerated frown. Keenan stepped forward and his next line made sense but I still wanted to slap him, "But I want to love you."
"This is gonna sound corny and you probably won't let me live it down, but love is a choice."
I snorted and for a split second, he gave me a look of annoyance. There's the Keenan I know. The man continued, "I haven't been to a graveyard since I was six," was his random beginning, "Because I don't love my mother anymore. If I chose to love her all those years, I would've gone everyday. I choose not to love because I can't handle it. I choose not to love because the people I want to love all leave me. I choose not to love because the people I want to love deserve more than what I can give."
He has his own definition of love just like he has his own definition of stupid. It was very Keenan of him. Looking at the man in the middle of a crowd, Keenan was again a wolf in a litter of dogs. Not only is the odd man out always different, but the odd man out is also lonely. People fail to realize that.
"But then I realized that I always get ahead of myself. I don't even try because apparently, I'm so self-aware that I'm already sure of what'll happen when I do."
He was making sense, I had to give it to him. "I want to love you and I will love you if you let me." Three minutes. Three minutes before midnight. I felt like Cinderella.
"I'm sorry," he said, "for everything I put you through."
"I wasn't lying when I said that I'm the one with a lot to gain. I'm no loss, Gia, and you call the shots. If I leave this place alone, that's one person I love gone. And it's regret and hate and a ton of sleepless nights again. If you leave this place alone, you can keep the thinking that you dodged a bullet. Because I've been shit, according to Jan, Dom, and Ali." Keenan Travino confessing his love or better yet, offering his love, in the middle of a park, three minutes and counting down before a new year was never in my bucket list. "And Gia?" he lifted his brows.
"What?"
"I think you forgot that I only lie to my sister."
'Janella's prettier'
Well, would ya look at this slick motherfucker. Not that Jan's competition—Jan's my good friend. A good friend who set me up.
"I don't want Jan, she's not you. And I don't want Sophia, she's not you. She annoyed me too much but you annoy me perfectly. I kept looking for you and it was dumb because here you are," he shrugged, "not in anyone else. I want Gia."
I assessed Keenan. I wanted to take him back in a heartbeat but I think 'no to impulsive decisions' will be my New Year's resolution.
I love him. I really do. And here he is, telling me that he loves me back. Here he is, telling me that we'll try. "You love me?" I wanted to make sure.
Keenan chuckled and it was all things beautiful, "I had one rule, right? Don't ask stupid questions."
I narrowed my eyes at him. Two minutes. The next line I let out was the indication that tables have turned, "Come here."
He looked mildly surprised, partly entertained, bigger fraction nervous. Keenan took steps forward until he was a foot away. I looked up, eyes narrowing, "You really love me? This isn't a prank?"
But with the way he was looking at me, I knew he was for real, "I can prove it to you."
"This is really you?" I wanted to reach up to make sure his skin was real human skin.
Surprisingly, my query did not irk him. In fact, it made him smile, "Who else?"
We stared at each other. I already had an answer but I was waiting for something.
"So?" he spoke after a long while, "What's it gonna be, Gigi?"
I glanced at the clock. One more minute. Seconds have never felt so long. If he's really down to try, then he better be up for the cheesy things I have planned. Starting with tonight.
I turned to him and stared again, taking one last step forward so out fronts brushed.
I looked at the clock again and finally, Mr. Let Me Break Your Heart And Revive It Real Quick caught on. Keenan rolled his eyes, "You're waiting for midnight, aren't you?" I shushed him. He has no right to ruin this.
We waited. We stared at each other and waited. About thirty seconds before the awaited, he decided to make me pink, "You look better than a double cheeseburger."
"Is that how you flirt?" I glared, "You're gonna have to think of a better one." Twenty seconds. I was getting giddy.
"Oh? You speak as if you're an expert, Alexa," he tipped my chin up. His fingers were cool but the rest of him against me was warm.
"It's Alexie."
"How about Travino?"
I opened my mouth and closed it and opened it and closed it again. That one was smooth, I'm gonna have to give him cookie points—the chocolate caramel kind.
The crowd cheered. 10, 9, 8...
Your favorite chick flick could never. 7, 6, 5...
I thought that loving Keenan would be like swimming in the middle of a deep blue sea. It's not. Knowing Keenan is swimming in a sea. Loving him is finding an island and if paradise is real, then maybe I just found it.
3, 2, 1...
Quite literally, the kiss was sparks in the air. It was top tier, ranking first in all the kisses I've had in my twenty-two years. Nothing can top it—a scary thought. My arms wrapped around his neck and his own around my waist. His lips tasted of something foreign—something I never sensed from Keenan before: love. And it was the reason why I came back for more when we pulled away. And more. And more. Until I couldn't help but tell him that I love him to which he replied with music to my ears,
"I love you too."