I didn't sleep well last night. Tomorrow's our flight to Japan, hindi ako mapakali na aalis ako for three days leaving him here na hindi kami ayos.. at na kasama niya si Barb.
It's not really okay for me.
I need to tell him this. Hindi ko na kayang intindihin. Para akong sasabog kapag patuloy kong niloloko ang sarili kong ayos lamang kami, ayos lang lahat. I am not this fool. So I grabbed my bag para sumaglit sa condo niya, kung andon pa sila.
I just need to talk to him.
It's either I'll leave tomorrow na ayos kami or.. I closed my eyes as I felt a pang in my chest. There's just this.. feeling where I know I will lose him, and I am not ready for that. I just can't prepare myself for that.
Ayoko. Kaya kung pedeng ayusin, pag-usapan then I'll try.
Dito lamang naman kami hindi naging ayos e, nong nagka problema na si Barbara.
"Where are you going?" Chad asked nang makababa ako. Nakaupo lamang siya sa floor, habang nakahiga si Charlie sa sofa, parehas nanonood.
"Saglit lang."
"Hatid kita?"
"No, I'm fine."
Dere deretso kong sagot pero ramdam ko ang pag-habol ng tingin nila sakin. My family's giving me this weird look ever since hindi natuloy si Cane na ma-meet sila. Hindi ko na lamang masyadong pinapansin.
"Ate, I'll drive you." He insisted at tumayo.
I stopped nang nasa may pinto na ako at humarap sa kanya, "I can drive myself, okay?"
He shrugged, "Bored na'ko dito."
"Lumabas ka on your own."
"Ate, just bring him. Sawang sawa na ako sa mukha ni Chad." Charlie added, rolling her eyes at Chad but they share a look, knowing look.
Nailing na lamang ako bago hinagis kay Chad ang car key. I just hate it that I can't say no to Charlie. It always felt like I'll disappoint her more kahit lagi niyang sinasabi na thankful at proud siya to have me as her sister.
Tahimik lamang si Chad the whole time, I think siya ang boy version ko sa family? Medyo pakielamero lamang talaga siya kapag concern siya or lumalabas yong feeling kuya na side but all in all he's really silent. Isang beses ko lamang siyang narinig na tinanong si Cane, more on he asks about what I am feeling or doing. May days nong may pasok na he'll send a random text just to check on me. Not everyday tho.
"Don't leave the car. Wait for me here or you can roam around muna." Bilin ko nang tumigil kami sa harap ng building.
"I'll wait nalang."
"Okay."
He just smiled. Lumabas na ako at dumiretso sa floor nila Cane. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Kinakabahan na naman ako, ayoko ng ganito. The anxiety replaced the excitement whenever I am going to see him. This is not what I expected when he promised me he'll make me see 'us'.
When the elevator opened mas dumoble lamang ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Suddenly, parang gusto ko na lamang mag back-out pero hindi, I made my decision last night. I want us to work out. I want this to work out. Kailangan lamang pag-usapan to. Kailangan lamang niya marinig ang side ko.
I stepped out, agad kong pinindot ang doorbell nang makatapat ako sa door niya bago pa tuluyang manghina ang loob ko.
Napabuntong hinga ako ng bumukas ang pinto, I readied my smile pero hindi ang taong inaasahan ko ang bumungad sakin. It's her biological mom. She looked as surprise as I am to see me here.
"Hija.." she smiled bago niluwagan ang bukas ng pinto. Nahihiya pa akong pumasok, hindi ko alam bakit nandito ang Mom niya? Akala ko nasa ibang bansa?
"Do you want water or anything?"
"I'm good po."
She nodded her head bago ako sinamahan sa living room. She's watching, may coffee sa mini table. Hininaan niya saglit ang television bago tumingin sakin.
"Oh, si Hurricane? He's with Blaire and Barb today. Kakauwi lamang namin from US actually, but those kids especially Blaire gusto muna gumala dito sa Manila bago kami umuwing province."
Napatango lamang ako. Hindi mapakali, wala naman pala siya dito.. maybe aalis nadin ako?
Nakatingin lamang sakin si Tita kaya mas hindi naging komportable sa pakiramdam. Sa totoo lamang, nong high-school kami mas sobrang daling makagaanan sa loob ang Mom nila Cy. Hindi lamang ako sanay siguro na kasama si Tita ng solo.
She smiled when I smiled.
I don't know how to say na aalis na ako ng hindi tunog nakaka offend or something. Gosh! My anxiety level is shaking so bad.
"So.. I heard, you know Rain?"
Rain's Cyclone's mom. I nodded, getting more uncomfortable.
"And I bet, you already know what happened?"
I don't know what she wants to point out, pero um-oo na lamang ako.
Shaking her head, she sipped on her coffee before looking at the television then she smiled again. "Rain's a very good friend. She's too understanding and kind, I must say." Tumingin muli sakin si Tita. This time from my head to toe before smiling again. "She reminds me of you."
Should I say 'thank you'?
Tumahimik na lamang ako. Totally regretting going here!
Then she chuckles, "You know, everyone thinks best friend kami ni Rain." She started. "But oh no," she laughed elegantly before taking another sip on her coffee.
"See, Ben and I? Kami ang totoong mag best-friend. We're each other's first love but I was too afraid to ruin the friendship. He's too precious, you see. He was my everything and I don't want to lose him. Stupid, yes?"
Hindi ako umimik o nag-react. Nakatingin lamang ako sa kanya, my face void of any emotion.
"Then Ben met Rain. She's too perfect! Mind you, very hard to catch. Everyday.. every single day ever since he met her, lagi niyang ikekwento sakin si Rain and it was my punishment I think? For not taking the risk between us. Everyday, I have to suffer listening to him talking about her.. watching him loving another woman. I watched how I lose him to someone else.. and it wasn't easy. I even befriended her, that's why people thinks kami ang mag-bestfriend pero hindi ko talaga kaya. So plastic. Then I got depressed. Ben thought it's because I failed the BAR but oh no, I never really wanted to be in law school anyway. Then just like that, he came back to me.. he came back and I am all he can see again. It's selfish I know, but one thing for sure.. his love for me never fades kahit nanjan na si Rain.. the love we had? It's something no one can replace or take away.. no matter how perfect Rain is."
My chest tightened as I listen to her story, gusto kong tumayo at umalis. Ayoko nang makinig. Ayokong malaman. Not now when my anxiety's kicking in. I wanted to run away from her but I'm frozen on my spot.
"We both felt the love. He was already thinking of leaving Rain but that woman, she became too desperate for Ben. She was so understanding and loving.. too forgiving even. Ben felt so guilty to the point he can't break Rain's heart. She's too good, see? But his love for her doesn't run deep.. Rain did everything to win Ben back.. she even begged me to stay away from him.. she made him choose..
She placed the cup of coffee on the table before looking back at me again.
"Then they got married and pumunta akong US. On the second year of their marriage umuwi ako.. that's when I found out they're not doing good in their marriage life, and then Ben and I met again.. it was.. everything." Her eyes glimmered. "The love was still there, nagka contact ulit kami.. but you see, Chandy.. a denied love was too powerful, when people keep on resisting themselves on the thing they wanted to have that's when it only became stronger. The force was already helpless and we did it. Not just once.. we had a relationship behind Rain's back for six months until Rain found everything out.." she told everything like she's telling a fairytale story.. and for the very first time I felt this rage inside me..
I just.. yeah, she's older than me but all my respect went down when she's here in front of me free of any remorse! She's too brutal! Hindi ko alam saan niya nakukuha ang kapal ng mukha para ikwento sakin paano siya naging kabit.. it's just.. you just can't call something love when you're purposely hurting someone else! It's greed. It's evil.
I can't believe this..
She chuckles as she looked at my face, "Emotionless, I see?"
I heaved a sigh as I looked away. I don't think matatagalan ko pa dito.
"I think, I need to go."
"Why? The story's not yet finish."
"I'm not interested anymore."
I tried not to judge her pero sa lahat ng sinabi niya ngayon.. even her actions.. I just can't help it. I'm not a fan of cheaters. Hindi din naman ako sanay makipag plastikan pa.
I stood up and was ready to leave when she spoke again, "History repeats itself, Chandy. It's a motherly advice. We don't want another Rain, right?"
"At least, I'm not the home wrecker."
She gaped and almost red in rage but I just lift one shoulder before storming out. Hindi ko kakayanin masabunutan ng nanay ni Hurricane! And just then I realized na sobrang higpit ng hawak ko sa bag ko.
I never felt that much anger before. Cheating.. stealing another's man from someone was the most pathetic and desperate act I could think of. No one has the right to do it. There's no justification in it. It's purely evil and more evil if the reason was love.
My hand was still shaking hanggang makasakay ako sa elevator. Now, I know his mom hates me. She's rooting for Barb ever since.
It's just.. I regretted coming here. See, sobrang daming laman ng utak ko na negativity about our relationship.. the least thing I wanted to hear was those kind of words.. it just made everything worse inside me.
I need someone to tell me everything's gonna be okay.. na I am not pathetic for coming here to talk to Cane.. na there's nothing going on between Barb and Cane, walang feelings na bumabalik..
I just wanted to have the love that isn't complicated..
"Baby?"
I wiped my eyes, pinipigilan mapaluha. Wala naman kasi akong dapat iiyak agad e, pero sobrang sikip sa dibdib. Sobrang hirap kasi na hindi kami okay tapos kasama niya first love niya.. I asked the both of them before.. sinigurado ko na agad dati pa kasi I wanted to be sure tapos.. ganto?
"Babe."
Someone grabbed my wrist, agad akong napatigil at napatingin kay Hurricane. His eyes holds question at the same time he looks worried. I don't know why he looks worried..
"Kanina pa kitang tinatawag."
Napatingin ako sa paligid, napatigil ang tingin ko ng makita si Barb at Blaire na nag-aantay sa elevator pero sa amin nakatingin.
Mas sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Ayoko ng ganito. Hindi ko naman ginusto maranasan to.. na parang may ka kumpitensya ako sa isang tao..
"Hey," he softly called.
"I'm leaving." I uttered habang dahan dahang inalis ang kamay niya sakin. Parang lahat ng lakas ng loob ko kanina na kausapin siya nawala. I suddenly felt so drained.
He looked back kaya sinundan ko kung saan siya nakatingin. Wala na sila Barb. His eyes returned at me.
"Let's eat outside." Aya niya.
"Chad's at the car. He's waiting for me, maybe pag-balik nalang namin from Japan."
"Hatid kita sa inyo. Let's eat first?" he tried. Pressing my hand a little. "Please?"
"How about Barb?"
He smiled, "Mom's taking her with them. I planned na puntahan ka mamaya pag-alis nila but you're already here."
Does this mean.. ookay na ulit kami?
Shit me for being so gaga over him.
"Chad.."
"I'll talk to your brother."
Hindi nako umimik nang hilahin niya ako palabas. Nang makalapit kami sa car, lumabas si Chad. He talked to him, wala akong maintindihan dahil parang nakalutang lamang ang isip ko. I saw Chad giving me a glance before nodding at Cane.
"Ate.." he called.
We stopped.
"You're beautiful."
I am down.. I am really down but that simple statement made me smile, I almost teared up. I don't know.. but hearing it from my brother in my state right now was too overwhelming.
He even told it in front of my boyfriend. I don't know what the compliment is for but it meant so much to me.
**
"You met Mom?"
I nodded. Nandito kami ulit sa fastfood na madalas namin kainan. I told him na ayoko ng float kaya hindi siya umorder.
"Anong oras ang flight niyo bukas?"
"8 in the morning."
He nodded. "Do you.. want to sleep in my condo?"
No, Chandy.. you need to talk to him right now.
"Cane.."
"Hm?"
"Is Barb okay now?"
He gulped as he drink his water. "I don't know."
"Hanggang kailan?"
His brows furrowed.
"What do you mean?"
"Hanggang kailan siya di okay?"
"Baby.."
I cleared my throat as I met his gaze.. "Hindi na okay sakin. I tried. But you're both sleeping in the same bed.."
"We didn't."
"She posted it on her story."
His brows furrowed bago umiling, "Love, I swear.. I didn't—shit." He said as if he remembered something. "I was so dead tired that day, pero sa kama ko yon. Nandoon lamang siya nakikipag-usap, I slept and doon nadin siya natulog.. I swear, it's not my intention."
I nodded. Medyo nakahinga.
"But still.. this set up between us.. it's not okay for me anymore."
Hindi siya agad nakaimik.
"You see, you became so distant and cold and I swear Hurricane, no one made me feel so shit but you." My voice was whole and strong but inside, I am aching.
"Love.."
I shook my head. "I don't want a half-baked love, Cane."
Umiling siya bago inabot ang kamay ko, agad niya yong pinsil. "I know.. I was such a jerk this past few days.. I can't leave Barb alone. She's my best friend, love. She's a family.. I know that wasn't enough reason.. I'm sorry. Sorry.." tumayo siya at lumapit sa tabi ko, cupping my face. "But I love you, mahal kita. What I felt for you wasn't half-baked. You have all of me. Hm?"
"I don't need all of you.. just stop making me feel so shit for loving you."