a/n: i suggest u reread the last chapter to refresh your mind on what's happened so far bcs SOMEONE decided not to update for three (four? five? seven??) months!!
(i know right?? harry potter and the sheer audacity of this bitch!! #bringbackcancelculture2020!!)
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I'm ninety nine point nine percent certain I'm dreaming.
For one, my father is here. My father is never here, which is indicative enough that this isn't real. Yet there he stands beneath the bright red slide, present and sound, smile wide and hands hiding his eyes as he starts a countdown from thirty.
A gust of wind swirls around him, ruffling through his hair and clothes. When the wave of air reaches me, I feel nothing.
I feel empty. Hollow.
This isn't real.
The sun is brilliant. Blinding. In fact, everything is too bright: a foreign world of vibrant colours and unnatural hues that shock the mind and water the eye.
My head begins to spin. I'm so disoriented that I don't realize the counting has stopped.
"Ready or not, here I come!"
I watch my father whirl around in circles, scanning the desolate playground with a charming grin. My lungs seize when his gaze lands on me. I'm certain he'll react, start, do something upon seeing his only daughter.
But in this world, I'm made of glass and mirrors and smoke.
His eyes skip right over me.
I don't exist.
From the corner of my eye I catch the movement of a child. Her dark hair is in a disarray, her hands scraped, and there's a smear of dirt on her rosy cheeks. Even still, hidden within the darkness of a neon green tube, her eyes sparkle with stars of excitement, and theres a mischievous curve to her lips that hints at pure glee. Her laughter lilts and echoes through the stagnant air, no doubt alerting her seeker of her hiding spot. But I can tell she doesn't care. She doesn't care if she's found.
She wants to be found.
The sky suddenly shifts. Time passes faster then I'd thought humanly possible. The sun sinks like a stone in water, smearing the sky with streaks of mellow oranges, yellows and pinks.
And the girl still isn't found.
Her giggles freeze in the evening chill, brittle and unforgiving. The light fades from her eyes. Her smile dims like the setting sun, clouding her expression with storms. Glass tears mix with dirt, cutting trails of silver down her cheeks.
When I turn around, I discover why.
A young boy now races around the playground, laughing as he ducks around the swings and leaps over the teeter totter, chasing a battered soccer ball. A man wholeheartedly trails him, and as he grows closer, I realize it's my father.
My gut sinks.
My father is chasing the boy instead of the girl.
He's forgotten about the girl waiting to be found.
He's forgotten about me.
"Taehee."
The boy has reached the green tube and stares up at the crying girl. He's sad now, too, and reaches his hand out to her. But the girl frowns, turning her back to him and fading into the darkness of the tube.
Unbeknownst to the girl, the boy, too, begins to cry.
"Taehee."
This time the voice comes from behind me, and I whirl around.
The playground, the boy, the girl, and my father all dissolve into white.
Jeongguk now stands before me, looking as beautiful as the petals of a rose but as deadly and untouchable as its thorns.
He reaches a hand out to me. When he speaks, its as if two voices have intertwined to become one: that of a child, and that of a young man; both struggling to keep their tears at bay.
"Whatever it is I did, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
I just want my best friend back."
•••
I wake with a start.
Wildly disoriented and still on edge from the dream, it takes a moment for my pounding heart to slow. It takes another moment for the hangover to slam into me like a concrete wall, knocking the air from my lungs. A third allows me to finally register the ruckus coming from my doorway.
"Let go of me!"
"Son of a — ow, Jesus! That's my foot you dweeb!"
"Next time it'll be your face!"
Purposefully ignoring the commotion, I screw my eyes and curl a pillow around my ears with a groan. Last night swims past my closed lids in a sickening haze of colour, urging me to try and properly sort through the memories — whatever ones are there, anyways, because most of the night is a black hole. But every time I try to focus on anything other than my swooping surroundings, my stomach riots, reminding me I shouldn't have drank so much in the first place.
I'm never drinking again.
"I demand you release me at once, peasant!"
It takes a great deal of effort to peel even one of my eyes open again. White spots dance across my vision. My head spins. When I lick my lips, my tongue feels dry as sandpaper.
Propping myself up on shaking arms, I attempt to mentally prepare myself for the absolute shit-show threatening to encroach on my safe-haven of a bedroom.
A pink-faced Iseul has both his arms splayed out like an airplane, hands gripping my doorframe for purchase and socks slipping fruitlessly against hardwood. He's held in place (much to the boy's evident frustration) by a glowering Jeongguk, who has his arms wrapped securely around his brother's stomach. The two struggle in semi-silence, both warring for the upper hand.
Iseul sneers and suddenly kicks a leg back in a valiant attempt to break free from the ravenet's clutches. Jeongguk barely flinches as the foot finds impact on his thigh, causing Iseul to pucker his lips and release a childish whine that has me cringing in place.
"Let me go!"
"No!" Though clearly exasperated, Jeongguk makes an effort to keep his voice low. "You can play super spies with Taehee another time! Maybe, say, when she's actually awake!"
"But I want to play now!"
"Why don't I play with you?"
"Because I like Taetae better and you're the worst. Duh."
Jeongguk's eyes flash, and in an instant, Iseul's feet are no longer on the ground. The boy squeals, now suspended mid-air between the doorframe and his brother. I can sense the aftermath of Jeongguk's action before it even happens and cover my ears as — like I anticipated — Iseul flings his head back and releases an ear-splitting scream.
Jeongguk curses, grappling to smother Iseul's face with the palm of his hand. But the boy's sight's are elsewhere, his features quick to melt into childish innocence as he finally spies me — awake and ready to fling the nearest projectile (a pillow, a blanket, my phone, even) at the boys.
"Taetae!" Iseul calls cutely, smile akin to a small devil donning angel's clothes. "Fancy seeing you here!"
His outburst momentarily distracts Jeongguk, who glances from his brother to me with wide, apologetic eyes and parted lips. His expression reads as clear as day: I'll do the deed if you hide the body.
Iseul, sensing a break in his brother's concentration, choses this exact moment to nail Jeongguk in the chin with the heel of his foot.
"You little brat," Jeongguk spits, flicking his dark hair back with a snap of his neck.
"I told you next time would be the face!"
"Tell that to the major time out you're about to get!"
With one last tug, Jeongguk finally pulls my doorframe free of Iseul's clutches. The boy screams, folding clean over Jeongguk's forearms and dangling precariously near the floor. Even still, he refuses to admit defeat. His fingers claw at the walls and the groove in the wooden floors, seeking anything to grab hold of.
"I'm sorry for that," Jeongguk apologizes, his expression a mixture of apologetic and embarrassment as he continues to wrestle with a yelling Iseul. "I'll deal with him. You try and go back to sleep."
I blink, caught off guard by the sincerity of his tone. The Jeongguk I know would've fed me to Iseul's ravenous thirst for entertainment without a second thought if it meant it was me rather than him.
Before I can read too much into it, however, the second round of shit-hungover-Taehee-has-absolutely- no-patience-for rolls into action.
Evidently having timed their approach for this very moment, the twins suddenly come barreling around the corner, bypassing their wrestling step-brothers and flinging themselves onto my bed in a fit of giggles.
What little strength I have after last night is no match for the buzzing boys, who push me onto my back and clamber on top of me. It's their bouncing and shaking that almost sends me over the edge — right to the nearest trash can. I can feel my cheeks grow pale and sallow as the contents of my upset stomach threaten to spill out.
"Taehee, Taehee," Sejun pants, situating himself on my chest before pushing his long hair from his face with grubby hands. "Do you wanna build a —"
Cardboard spaceship with us? Chul finishes, his glasses askew upon his grinning face. We could go to space and—
"Fight against aliens!"
And—
"Blow up planets!"
And—
"Become princesses of the universe!"
Chul suddenly shoves Sejun, who tumbles off my chest and lands in a mountain of pillows with a shriek. Once he's taken his place, Chul fixes me with puppy eyes. And, he signs, clearly agitated, we could make friends with everyone!
I blanch. "Uh..."
Answering my unspoken plea, Jeongguk suddenly appears in my line of sight, staying for mere seconds before both him and the weight of the twins magically disappear. With one cackling boy under each arm, Jeongguk hauls them out of my room and places them at the doorway. Iseul is no where to be seen, but a banging in the distance indicates he must now be locked away in his room.
"That sounds really fun, guys," Jeongguk humours the twins, his arms strategically blocking any attempts at re-entering my room. "And I'm sure Taehee would absolutely love to build a cardboard rocket ship with you—"
"Spaceship."
"Yes. That's what I said. A paper spaceship—"
A cardboard spaceship.
The muscles in Jeongguk's back draw tight. "The point is, she really needs to sleep. You can play with her later, okay?"
"But—"
"Later, Sejun."
But what if she sleeps in the spaceship!
"Later."
With that, he promptly slams the door in their faces and braces himself against it.
For a while we listen to the twins whine and complain from the other side. A weak thump suggests that one of them tried to kick the door, but the cry that chases it is evidence enough that they probably won't bother trying again.
It's several minutes later when they finally decide to give up. At their retreating footsteps, Jeongguk checks to see if the coast is clear. Deeming it safe, he smiles to himself and softly shuts the door — enclosing us alone in my room.
I stiffen, muscles tensing on reflex as they always do when I'm with him. My muddled brain is at an unusual loss of words, and I wrack my internal library for something — anything — that will shatter the uncomfortable silence soaking away my composure like a sponge.
But whatever gibberish I'd been about to spit out dies abruptly on my tongue as — much to my absolute shock — Jeongguk spins on his heel and shoots me a grin: a real, genuine toothy smile that could rival the sun itself.
What the heck?
He then tosses me what I believe he thinks is the equivalent to a wink before proceeding to saunter deeper into my room.
Did I miss something?
What the hell happened last night?
Confused but more annoyed then anything, I scowl, forcing myself upwards again. Shielding my eyes to properly watch him, I slowly come to realize it's not only his attitude towards me that's taken a full one-eighty.
Well-slept, freshly showered and smiling boyishly, Jeongguk looks younger then I've seen him in years. His grins are easy and he carries himself with a newfound sense of self and carefreeness: a demeanour that translates into the way he hums absentmindedly as he moves through my makeshift space, taking in my personal touches and grazing his fingers over everything I own.
Weird.
My senses kick into overdrive, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. I carefully analyze his every move, watching as he drifts to the near-empty bookshelf and traces the spines of the few books I've made home on it. Occasionally he selects one, flips it open and scans a random page before shelving it in its a exact position.
His brows arch teasingly as he reaches for a particularly thick book, glancing over at me and holding out what I now realize to be an encyclopedia.
"Still a nerd, huh?"
I say nothing as he carefully shelves it back in place and moves onto my dresser top. Shivers skate down my spine as he selects a silver picture frame and stares down at the man within it. An indecipherable look flashes across his features, but it's replaced instantly with a smirk as he picks up the tattered plush bunny that sits beside it.
"Really?" he chuckles, facing me and animating the stuffed animal so it looks like it's walking. "After all these years you kept it?"
"Put it back."
Jeongguk holds his hands up in mock surrender but does as I say, placing the rabbit back in it's place.
A breath whistles passed my lips. What little calm settled upon seeing he'd finished his little inspection instantly shatters as he changes direction and starts towards my bed. Bracing his hands against the wooden bed frame, he cocks his head, the mop of unruly unkept curls following suit. Unease builds in my chest again as I struggle to meet his gaze, vaguely noting how unreadable his own is.
He stares down at me for seconds — hours, centuries even — and it's a relief when his lips finally tug up in his familiar shit-eating smirk.
"So, do you want to build a paper rocket ship together?"
Instinct alone compels me to grab the nearest throwable projectile — a plush white pillow — and launch it at the boy in front of me. It hits him square in the face, causing him to stumble back a couple of steps from the impact.
The breathless, incredulous laugh I evoke from him pales in comparison to the satisfaction of the pillow landing exactly where I'd aimed it. Bullseye, bitch.
"Um, ouch," he pouts, snatching the pillow from where it landed. "Was that really necessary?"
I frown but say nothing.
Jeongguk takes my silence in a stride. "I'm kidding. Seems like you slept well, though. No doubt because you were dreaming of me."
My muscles lock in terror. How on earth could he know I dreamed about him?
Oblivious to my shock, Jeongguk lifts the pillow as evidence, displaying the small pool of liquid that stains the fabric. His grin is menacing. "Explains the drool."
My glare is murderous. "If you don't shut your mouth, the next thing to come out of it is going to be your teeth."
"Woah, woah, no need to get all homicidal," he quips, evidently enjoying himself. "This is a conversation, Taehee. An exchange of input from two parties. Friends have conversations. Friends do this type of thing on the regular, in fact."
"Did I miss the part where we became friends?"
His smile doesn't falter. "Five out of ten for creativity. Not your best joke. Workshop it and get back to me later."
"Does it look like I'm joking to you?"
Rolling his eyes, Jeongguk leans forward and humours me by scanning my face. Jutting my chin, I glare back, surprised by how sheer ice in my gaze seems to gradually melt the smile right from his lips.
Jeongguk abruptly pulls back, looking like I'd just struck him backhanded across the face. I can visibly see when the walls come back up: the distance he puts between us, the smoothing of his features, his skirting gaze.
The question is: why were they down in the first place?
"How much did you have last night?" he asks calmly, though he seems oddly afraid of the answer.
"What's it to you?"
"Taehee," Jeongguk says, but there's something almost panicked in the way he says my name. "How much?"
"I don't know. Five, maybe."
"Five what?"
"Wait, no, seven. I think."
A blurry image of Nayeon suddenly crosses my mind, wincing from the shot we'd just taken. The ghost burn of alcohol in my nose and throat is so repulsive that I scrunch my nose and practically gag.
My voice is strained as I say, "no, yeah, definitely seven."
It's silent a beat.
"You don't remember."
I don't notice the stiffness in his tone, nor the flurry of emotions flickering across the planes of his face. I, too, am trying to decipher what both him and I just said, desperately trying to piece the broken shards of my night together. How on earth had I downed seven shots and not thrown up? I can barely stomach five on a good night, so how...?
Unless I had thrown up.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Jeongguk's expression is almost as horrified as mine.
The first wave of memories hits me full force.
Jeongguk scooping my hair off my shoulders and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Jeongguk rubbing my back as I expelled the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Jeongguk's back to me as I shimmied out of my soiled clothes and into one of his oversized T-shirts. Jeongguk chasing after me as I run half-naked around my room. Jeongguk tipping water to my lips and swiping at the spilled droplets with his thumb. Jeongguk tucking me safely into bed. Jeongguk wishing me goodnight.
One glance down at the unrecognizable shirt I don and the images are cemented in my head, bleeding as true as the sight of last night's clothes strewn atop my hamper. I'd wager half my bank account that the bathroom is in an equally pitiful state judging from the fresh onslaught of hazy memories.
"Fuck," I whisper, dragging my hands down my face. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."
Shame and humiliation well up in my chest, threatening to bring tears to my eyes. How could I have been so stupid?
Jeongguk's brows are knit tight as he peers down at me, almost as if he's trying to decipher my perfectly valid reaction. Because my reaction is perfectly valid. There's no way he's not going to hold this over my head for the years to come.
Jeongguk clears his throat. "What's wrong?"
The memory of me drunkenly forcing him down into a hug blazes like fire in my mind and my cheeks. I burry my head in my hands. This can't be happening. Except it very much is, and from what I can tell, my behaviour from last night owes him a huge fat apology, if only to keep him quiet at school.
And so, mustering up the last lingering dregs of my dignity, I force out a pitiful, "I'm sorry."
"Don't — wait, why are you appologizing?"
"I can't believe that happened. I feel like such an idiot."
An uncomfortable silence fills the space. I dare to peek up at him from between my fingers, and much to my overwhelming embarrassment, Jeongguk is smiling.
The motherfucker's smiling.
"Taehee," he chuckles, "you may have acted like an idiot but you don't have to—"
I snap.
"Christ, do you always have to be such an ass?" I sneer, temper flaring. My eyes sting from shame and humiliation all at once. I try to muster up some way to keep him quiet. "Just— forget last night ever happened. Please. I'll — I'll do the dishes for the rest of the week, or I'll take over story time duty. Whatever you want. Just— please, forget everything that happened and we can go back to whatever the hell this—" I jut a finger between us, "—was."
I look away, blinking furiously. One again, the silence is suffocating.
It's a beat before he says anything.
"Right. Can do."
The cutting edge in his tone catches me completely off guard. I whip my head up to see him gripping the bed frame, tongue digging into his cheek. He's looking anywhere but me, and his blatant anger sparks another red hot coal of fury in myself. Why the hell is he getting angry at me? I'm not the one gaslighting him, and I'm sure as hell not the one mocking him for his drunk antics.
"What the hell is your problem?"
Jeongguk cuts me a dark glare, eyes black as night and void of their previous golden warmth. His features twist into an unreadable mixture of emotions. He looks ready to fire back — to absolutely lose it on me — and god how I wish he would. How I wish he would flip the switch, pull a fast one on me, shout out 'pranked you!' and return to his regular annoying self and let me go.
Anything is easier to bear than this.
He catches himself last second, words lost in the air.
With one last lingering look, he glances away.
"Nothing," he finally bites out through his teeth. "Nothing at all. Consider last night... forgotten."
Forgotten.
Too overwhelmed by his reaction and my wounded pride to dredge up any sort of gratitude, I simply draw my knees to my chest, wrap them in my arms and bow my head. The world spins, sending my thoughts and alcohol-tainted memories into a spiral.
The hem of Jeongguk's shirt tickles my nose and I brush it away. It comes back and I push it away again. And again. And again. And again until I consider shredding the damn thing to pieces.
Lemongrass. Vanilla. Jeongguk.
It takes a moment for the scent to register, but once it does, the world stops moving all together.
And that's when the second wave hits me.
Ten times more painful then the last, the memories crush every coherent thought from my head and each speck of air from my lungs until it's all I can do not to remember.
But I do remember.
I finally remember everything.
How he saw me at the party. How he brought me home. How he danced with me, sang with me, fed me, laid with me. How he let me outside — how he chased me outside. How he confessed to me, told me everything, said he's sorry, comforted me when it was all too much. How he made that dumbass suggestion to restart.
How we did restart.
How his favourite colour is red, how he hates apples, how, if he could be anything in the world, he'd be a tattoo artist.
How he cared for me when I woke up in the grass, sick to my stomach. How he carried me upstairs in his arms. How he stayed by my side as the aftermath of the night came spilling out of my mouth. How he made sure I was okay and safe.
How he just wants his best friend back.
And how I want mine back, too.
Jeongguk's sudden movement startles me out of my reverie. Pulling away and staring blankly at the floor, he can't even look at me.
And I know I've really done it.
"Please, forget everything that happened and we can go back to whatever the hell this was."
"Wait," I whisper.
But the damage is done.
He doesn't hear me.
He can't hear me.
He doesn't want to hear me.
"Jeongguk," I croak, scrambling to sit up in bed. He still doesn't listen, quickly picking his way across my room towards the door. "Wait— no. That's not... Jeongguk, I didn't mean that. I— "
"Sure, whatever."
"Jeongguk—"
"Forget it, okay?" He scoffs, his back still to me. "That's what you want, right? You want to forget?"
My stomach drops.
"No, that's not what I—"
I don't hate you, Jeon Jeongguk.
I hate the man who made me hate you.
I flinch as the door slams in his wake.
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phew hello it's been a while!! pls bear with me thru this extra long a/n that kinda explains where i've been (or u could just skip it lol i would)
for some reason it really didn't feel that long (heLp pls dont kill me!!!!1!1) but long story short, writer's block absolutely annihilated my inspiration in may? june? july maybe? hell i can't even remember the last time i've written it's been that long. anyways, eventually i just fell into the habit of pushing my writing away with the excuse that "oh! i'll just do it tomorrow!" or "shoot i'm busy right now, i'll just do it later!" (sound familiar? @ my homework).
and spoiler alert: i never did do it later ):
then came moving away and uni and the crushing realization that my dumbass really did decide to major in freaking math. so yea, i basically disappeared in the books for a little while which meant i really didn't have any time to write.
but now that i've somehow pulled myself out of the dumps, i realized how much i missed writing. so when i went to my cottage this weekend with no wifi, no service and no distractions and actually had a large time block to sit down and write, i shocked myself and banged out two whole chapters PLUS a revamped storyline.
all this to say : sometimes procrastination does pay off!! (notice me specifically not looking at you @ my homework)
i'm so so sorry this update took so long. i owe you all a big fat huge ginormous monstrous another-synonym-for-large THANK YOU for being so patient and supportive and kind and absolutely lovely!! i can't promise i'll b back to spam updating or mass producing chapters but i'll do my best to update at LEAST before march <3
or maybe april <3
i'm kidding.
i hope.
i really hope you're all doing well and staying happy and safe!! let me know your thoughts and theories on this chapter or the fic in general!! i always love to see your comments <33
oof and before i forget this chap was, unfortunately, not edited by the toenail-collecting sedetiam (who doesn't even know i started writing again oops) nor me, so if you find any pls point out spelling, grammar and plot mistakes!!
missed you loads <3
hugs and kisses,
sunny ☼