AT SIXTEEN, YEN THINKS SHE KNOWS SELF-CONTROL.
It's hard, though, especially when it's Junkai sitting next to her. His hair is floppy, and there's a stray curl that she desperately wants to brush away. The sunlight dusts across his features, bathing him in a gold glow. It's fitting.
He finishes the last mouthful of luo han guo, tips the bottle upside down, and sticks his brown-coloured tongue out at her. Her watch beeps as she stops the timer, and grinning, she shakes her head. "I was faster."
"No way," he says, grabbing her hand for a look. Sure enough, it reads forty-two seconds, a far cry from her twenty-eight. The Yakult challenges from so long ago have paid off, after all.
She hands him a tissue, and he flops backwards onto the chair. "I really hate luo han guo."
"What?" Passers-by stare at her. "We drank it because you liked it!"
Junkai widens his eyes and shakes his head. "I hate it. It tastes like the Chinese herbal medicine my mother keeps trying to get us to drink, which I hold my nose for."
Yen laughs and gets up to throw the bottle away. When she comes back, she dusts off her hands and says, "Well, I'm so glad we never have to drink it again."
"Come on," he says, tugging on her hand. "I know a place where we can get something nice."
It's a school holiday, and The Shoppes bustles with energy. They've spent the whole day together so far, going to the nearby Gardens By The Bay, and now they're in the mall to eat. She's grateful Junkai's holding her hand. It'd be so easy to get lost among the throngs of people.
Just like it's so easy to get lost among a flood of memories.
But there are more important things today - like staying in the present moment. Junkai is slightly taller than her, so she has to look up at him. Dark eyes catch her watching, and his lips pull up into a smile. She thinks she's going to melt - and it's not because of Singapore's hot weather, either.
A thought strikes her, and she stops walking, turning to him. "Hey, I never got to thank you."
His eyebrows furrow. "Thank me for what?"
"Running. The competitions." She thinks of a day not that long ago, when she scanned the bleachers - on reflex, as always - and saw her mother, Jia-Le, Yue. Turning back to the track, heart pounding. Her coach, after the run, exclaiming, Yen, you beat your personal best! Smiling up at him, she says, "My family's never been accepting, but they're finally coming around. They even said I could transfer to the Sports School at the end of this year if I do well enough." Her eyes are bright, excited, filled with the passion of someone just now realising their dream.
"I don't think -"
"I think they're finally realising it means a lot to me," she says. "So thanks for telling them about that."
He shakes his head, but she smiles and grabs his hand, continuing to walk before he can say anything. He's always been bashful. She swings their hands slightly and changes topic, glad to have got it off her chest. "What was your favourite part?"
"Spending time with you," he answers, winking. She laughs and shoves him - and suddenly she's reminded of a very similar sentence years ago, from someone else. How was your day, Jun? Incredibly boring without you.
Stay in the present, she reminds herself.
"Seriously," he says after they've both calmed down, "I really liked the Cloud Forest."
The Cloud Forest is a simulated green lung in the heart of the city. Lush vegetation surrounds colourful bursts of flowers in more colours than Yen can name. Her favourite, though, is the waterfall - it cascades from the highest level, giving rise to a misty, calming atmosphere.
As they round the corner, she says, "Yeah? It's one of the best places. I'd say the only thing that beats it is -"
Her stomach complains.
Yen isn't the type to blush easily, but her face feels like it's on fire. Junkai's eyes are laughing. It's something she's always loved about him - he doesn't need the sun to be the light. "- the restaurant?" He stops walking, and she's pulled to a halt, too. "Good thing we're here, then."
They've stopped in front of Jiaxiang, a newly-opened chicken rice store. "The food here is really good," Junkai tells her as they line up. It's late - two o'clock - and the restaurant is nearly empty, save for a few businesspeople in front of the counter. "I came here with my parents the other day, and I know you like chicken rice, so I thought I'd bring you to try."
Yen throws her hands around him. It's been so long since she's had chicken rice - not since they moved from Tanjong Rhu, and that was three years ago. "Thanks for remembering," she says, her voice muffled.
"I didn't mean to," he says, "but it's hard to forget when every week someone says they wished they knew a good chicken rice place."
Yen whirls around to face him, mouth open, but the corner of his lip has tilted up into a smirk. She puts her hand out to shove him again. He catches it deftly and returns it to her side. "What are you getting?"
"I don't know," she breathes. Big plates of chicken rice are displayed over their heads, labels describing their contents. It's been so long since she's had chicken rice. Her eyes scan the pictures for the dish she usually gets - Jun's father always puts the chicken separately, and there's even bean sprouts and shaorou on the side.
Self-control is hard when you have the past to contend with.
Junkai nudges her. "Do you want to order? Get the regular for me - I'll go get water."
"Sure," she says, her gaze still overhead. A fragrant smell engulfs the restaurant. Her mouth waters, and she swallows. Beside her, Junkai smiles, bites his lip so she doesn't see, and walks away.
By the time Yen spots the roasted chicken rice, she's at the front of the queue. Still glancing upwards to make sure she gets the name right, she says, "Hello. Can I please have two regular chicken rice, one bai zhan and one shao ji? We're eating here."
"Two regular chicken rice, one white and -"
The voice is familiar. Yen looks down so fast, her head hurts. For the first time, she's glad Junkai isn't with her.
Han's eyebrows are raised in surprise. "Yen."
She swallows. "Shanghan."
"I told you to call me ge," Jun's brother responds, but there's no bite in it. "One white and one roasted."
Older brother. It's been so long since she heard the term of endearment - being the oldest child, she's never really had the chance to use it. "Ge," she repeats. It takes all her self-control to not walk away again.
His fingers keep tapping. The machine whirs, and he hands her a receipt. "Please come and collect your food once you see your number."
She catches his hand instead as he tries to pull away. His gaze collides with hers. She wets her lips. "Ge, how's Jun?"
He glances behind her, but there isn't anyone. Sighing, he walks around the counter to stand next to her. Over his shoulder, Junkai is grabbing cutlery from the self-service counter, carefully balancing two cups of water. She notices he's taken care to remove the ice from hers.
"He's good," Han says. "Top of his class. The usual, you know? What about you?"
She waves dismissively. "Raffles Girls' is tough, but I'm surviving. Junkai is a large help."
Han nods, hands in his pockets. Yen feels like she doesn't belong in her skin. As she stares at Jun's brother, she remembers a night not that long ago, when she saw her sister, head bent over a table with Jun. She remembers her following him out of the restaurant. Disappearing into the crowd. And then the rumours, spreading like wildfire, like they always do.
Jun got a girlfriend, Meiqing said one day over bowls of steaming hot noodles accompanied by yong tau foo from the school's canteen. Haven't you heard?
She choked on a piece of fuzhok. No.
Strange, the other girl said thoughtfully, chewing. I thought you guys were close.
I thought we were, too. She thinks of the number of times she sat in front of the house phone when no one else was home, phone number already dialled. The warmth of his hand in hers. Call. I promise I'll pick up.
Belatedly, she realises she's been standing in front of the counter for too long and colours, opening her mouth to apologise. Before she can, though, Han says, "Let me ask you this, Yen."
For some reason, her heart does not listen when she tells it to stop beating so quickly.
His gaze is levelled on hers. "Are you happy?"
Am I happy? She thinks about Xi and her father and her family and how it's not great - it never has been - but it's better now. She thinks about messaging her father with the number he sent her mother. She thinks about visiting her sister's grave and actually talking to her.
Then she glances towards Junkai again and thinks of a different sun-kissed boy with Jun in his name.
Just as she opens her mouth, Mrs Liu appears, carrying two plates of chicken rice and two bowls of soup. When she sees Yen, she smiles. "Guess I'll be taking off the soup."
"No, don't," she blurts. "I drink soup."
"Sure," Mrs Liu replies, laying the tray on the counter. She looks at Yen approvingly. "You've grown. It's been years since I last saw you - you're such a pretty young lady now."
It's the third time Yen's face flames in a day - a new record. She lowers her head and picks up the tray. "Thank you, Mrs Liu."
"Anytime. And come often. It's been so long since we've seen you."
She pauses. "I didn't know you moved here."
"We couldn't pay for the other place anymore," Han says. "The other hawkers were getting old, as you know. They've been leaving one-by-one. It's not enough business. We're based here now."
Yen nods, stores the information, and smiles at Mrs Liu. "I'll be back for sure."
But for the rest of the day, it's like she's never left Jiaxiang. They finish eating, walk by the river, pose for photos, hire bicycles to ride around the waterfront. Junkai disappears to the toilet and reappears holding Old Chang Kee curry puffs, the best ones in the whole island. She sees the concern, tells him it's because of her family, and hates herself for lying.
Am I happy?
She should be. She's got a boyfriend who cares about her, a family who loves her, a good school, a safe home.
So why is it so hard to say yes?
✽
luo han guo 罗汉果
herbal and sweet and bitter drink
shao rou 烧肉
crispy roasted pork