{Recap: Rose and her roommates did a Samhain ritual, and it ended up with Rose accidentally summoning the ghost of Lily Potter (only Rosaline would make THIS mistake, I know). Lily tells Rose some -cryptic- information about Snape and his past with Voldemort. This causes Rose to make Snape agree to a meeting to discuss some things, and that's where we're at!}
November 1, 1988
By the time seven o'clock came, you were resolved to either receive the complete truth from Snape, or to stop seeing him. It was obvious that you both cared for one another; frankly, anyone at Hogwarts could see how the cool demeanor of the Potions Professor could easily be cracked under the quick smile or a poor pun from you, Rosaline Knight. Or, how the Hufflepuff-Slytherin 7th year Potions NEWT class had significantly less complaints than the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw class. The affection, the sight of two kindred souls complimenting each other, did not go unnoticed by the Hogwarts population.
You knew all of that. Really, you did, and you appreciated it. Honestly, it was enough to have Snape as your friend, and the fact that he was quite conspicuous about it (for him, anyway) flattered you. It would be a shame to lose it, but it would be worse if he had been hiding such a large part of himself, and his past, from you.
You did know him suitably well, as much as one would know a close friend. He adored the Clash and the Doors, but under your guide, had begun to follow music by Talking Heads and the Sex Pistols. He didn't care for sports, but would listen with one ear as you talked about football while he did the crossword or read his Potions Periodicals. He despised peas. You could pretend to have to convince him to allow you to come with him to collect ingredients, but you knew he really did enjoy company. He would also have to convince himself that he could exist without you, but you didn't know that, and he pretended not to.
Again, it would be awful to lose that. But it would be significantly worse to associate, to befriend, to be hopelessly in love with someone who agreed with the politics of Lord Voldemort.
Because love was what it was. You couldn't think the word without wanting to strangle him and his nonsense, but that's what it was.
Madam Pomfrey discharged you from the infirmary at seven o' clock with your multiple promises to restrict your magic use to lessons- which you should be doing anyhow, young lady! - and to eat a filling dinner.
"And you will not do any more foolish rituals, Rosaline! I mean it! If I see you in here again for anything but refilling my stores and treating injuries, you will not be happy!" Pomfrey called after your retreating back, with you raising a hand in acknowledgement in response. Waiting outside the Hospital Wing were your roommates. Your lips upturned in an easy smile, ready for the admonishment.
"Rose! How dare you pass out and make us feel completely awful for... Diana, what's the hour count?" Ophelia asked.
Diana checked her watch quite ostentatiously. "Approximately twenty seven hours and fourteen minutes."
The other girls nodded in assent, while you rolled your eyes, a smile remaining. How wonderful it felt to be doted on.
You threw arms around Diana and Helena, while Violet led the pack to the Great Hall. You were filled with both dread and anticipation for your meeting with Snape. The worst that could happen is that he was a Death Eater, he supported Voldemort, and he secretly wanted to kill you. But! The best that could happen is that the ghost of a fallen hero lied to you from beyond the grave, and Severus Snape was the esteemed Potions Master and Professor that he presented himself to be.
Okay, so it might've been somewhat of a lose-lose scenario.
Dinner passed with furtive looks to an empty chair at the Head Table, questions from other students about your wellbeing, and trying to force down at least half of the food on your plate, with some helpful prompting of your friends.
"Thanks, everyone, but I really do need to get going. I need to talk with Professor Snape. No need to stay up for me, I expect we will be talking for a while. Also, I do have rounds tonight. So, ta." You pushed yourself up from the table, and left the Great Hall.
You walked down the damp steps to the dungeons, hands wringing in doubt and perspiration. The need to see Snape and get explanations filled you with lead. The longing for his confirmation or denial like a physical weight pushed on your chest, and it dwelled on you right until you knocked on his classroom door.
The door swung upon, his narrowed eyes and long nose cast down on you. You stared right back with trepidation and a sense of courage that could rival that of a Gryffindor.
"Do you feel better?" he asked snidely, still blocking the door.
You cast your gaze beyond him, looking into an empty classroom, but it was an office filled with the warm glow of a lit fireplace that caught your attention. "Can I just come in? I'm sure you're confused-" He cut you off with a derisive snort, "and I can explain, but you need to as well."
With a toss of his head over his shoulder, he stepped out of the doorframe and walked into his private office, checking back only once to make sure you followed. You shut the door to the classroom, and trailed behind him.
You sat across from him in your chair. You decided to not make yourself as comfortable as you usually would, by draping your legs across one arm, or on top of his desk, and by the way his eyebrows drew, he noticed.
"Let's get right into it, I suppose," you said, trying to observe his reactions. He folded his hands on the desk, and stared at you. "So, my roommates and I decided to try a Samhain ritual, because, why not? We're witches, we're of age, and it could be an interesting experience.
"I'll admit, I should have informed myself more, and researched it better before we actually did it, but, I didn't. The thing I didn't realize was that we had to have a physical element that reflected who we are. I tried the 'Orchideous' charm to conjure a flower, a rose, but I failed. I conjured a lily, instead."
At this, Snape sharply inhaled and his eyes shut. You could tell that he was beginning to realize what had happened.
You continued. "I did not have much hope that it would work anyway, and the girls were waiting on me, so I decided to just use the lily. The others did some kind of speech before, but again, I wasn't well informed on the ritual, so, I didn't do the proper chanting. Either way, it worked for me. I was able to contact someone who had passed. Lily Potter."
He whimpered, mouth pulled taut. Eyes still shut. Hands clasped tightly, knuckles whitening.
"I think it must've been because she died on Hallowe'en, maybe? And I got lucky enough to conjure a lily? Anyhow, she talked to me. Actually, she was quite nice, very calm for having been momentarily called to the mortal world. She made jokes. She called you Sev."
A pause.
"She told me about Voldemort."
He gasped, and his right hand flew to his left forearm. Your own sigh of resignation left you, and you watched him with a new sense of displeasure.
"She said that you sold out her family. Her family, Snape. You sold her, her husband, and their infant son, out to Voldemort."
Silence.
"Do you have anything to say? Any rebuttal as to what she said? Did you really serve the man, the monster that wanted to exterminate anyone who was like me?" Your voice broke on almost every other word, but was still strong, still needing answers.
He opened his eyes to see you with your own hot tears, not of sadness, but of anger, fat and stuffy, trailing down your cheeks.
"No. It's true. Everything Lily said, was true. I served Him. I have the Mark. I told him of the Potters, and they died because of me," he whispered.
Your gaze flitted between the blazing fire and his eyes, black and hurt and anguished. You shook your head, in consideration.
"Is there anything else you can say to justify this? If not, when I leave, I'm leaving. You need to tell me everything if you've ever respected me... ever cared about me. I thought you did?" you questioned, heartbreakingly quiet, and he knew you meant it.
"Rose," his voice cracked, "I swear to you, I am not the person I was all those years ago when I made that mistake. All of it was a horrible, despicable mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. I am trying to absolve some of it, as much of it as I can, and I know it will still never be enough."
He took a deep breath, and continued, "I can promise you, Rose, I promise, that I care about you. I cared about Lily. All the nonsense of magical purity was rubbish. I was a lonely idiot for following any of it, and I don't believe that absurdity now. Please, I'm begging you, believe me."
You nodded, not in forgiveness, but acknowledgement that you understood what he was saying. "I also wanted to tell you that she said she forgives you."
His eyes widened in disbelief. "What?"
"She believes that you know you made a mistake, and she forgives you. She said you need to stop beating yourself up about it." You stood while he stared at you in shock. "I-I do need to think about this. She had almost ten years to do so, and I just learned about it."
He remained in his chair as you exited, briefing looking at him before you left his office for the last time.
-
Yet, it wasn't for lack of trying on your part. If nothing else, you were loyal, and you were willing to give people the benefit of the doubt- people can change. Certainly, the man who put up with you, you and your puns and your music and your love for animals but absolute detestment of fish (they were creepy, okay!), could not be the exact, same man that served under Voldemort.
You knew that. Really, you did.
But sometimes, a gut feeling isn't enough for some people, and in that case, knowing you knew his past, it wasn't enough for him.
So, what else are you to do but return to your dorm, have a good cry over the tragedy that is your life, and go to sleep?
The next morning, at six thirty, with puffy eyes and a new sense of determination, you made the trip back to his office.
The stones on the walls perspired, the cracks almost seeming to laugh at your return.
You knocked. Nothing.
"Snape? It's Rose, again. Can we please talk?" you asked, your voice reverberating against his door in the empty hallway.
Nothing.
You cast your gaze to each side, hoping to catch a glimpse of black robes or the tail end of a smirk. Utter emptiness was reflected back to you.
You rapped your knuckles on the door, feeling more like an idiot than ever. "You should know by now how dramatic I can be! I don't want to lose your friendship... please open the door."
You continued knocking.
-
"I had nothing to forgive in the first place! I didn't even know you then! I haven't even been discriminated against for my blood status, and you make me laugh, and I have an O in your class because your voice sounds like a wet dream, and I miss my best friend!"
-
You kicked the door in frustration. "I'm a Hufflepuff, for god's sake! I forgive people really easily, especially people who know how many sugars I take in my tea!"
-
"You know, I'm just going to keep causing a ruckus until you come out. Frankly, this is quite embarrassing for you. If I were you, I would come out just to tell me to stop, really."
-
"It's been ages, Professor, I do have class, you know!" It had been ten minutes, and you did not have class in the morning.
You rolled your eyes. Was he a prick? Yeah, of course he was! For all the Death Eater stuff, sure, but more so for ignoring you. Well, okay, maybe not. The truth, the hard, cold, dead truth was that he did a dumb thing, and it really wasn't your thing to forgive.
Finally, you exploded, everything you thought and wanted to say came bursting out of you in a word volcano. "You were indoctrinated into a cult, you git! You were surrounded by other people who had been cast aside by society, and when some blokes who say, 'hey, kids, do you want to make the world a better place, a place where you can be included,'" you said with an unidentifiable accent, "of course you and your loser friends said yes, Snape, and honestly, I don't completely blame you.
"Were you an idiot? Sure, you were, but were you also peer pressured and bullied and left feeling like you only had one option left? Yeah, mate, seems like it to me! And, as much as you proclaim otherwise, we are friends. Hear that, lingering students? I am friends with Severus- damn it, what is your middle name?- Snape! And I am a muggle born witch! A muggle born witch with a perchance for danger, and that isn't relevant to this rant, but it is important to make note of!"
You stormed from his office to the kitchens, passing by stunned students along the way. One student attempted to ask you what was going on, and you flipped him two fingers. Nowhere in the Hufflepuff creed did it actually say badgers must be kind at all times, did it?
No, and frankly, when angered, badgers are notably aggressive.