TW!! Mentions of abuse, dissociation, and panic attacks.
I'm so tired. The gods look at me with pity in their eyes, insisting they understand what I'm going through.
They don't.
My friends pat my back, assuring me that I can talk to them, that they know how hard my battles are.
They don't.
It's nothing against them. They try so hard to understand, to make me feel seen but...
I don't know.
I'm walking to the campfire with Jason when he slings his arm over my shoulder. Nothing threatening, and it doesn't hurt, but I flinch hard. "Whoa, sorry," Jason says, quickly removing his arm. I fix my face into a lopsided grin quickly, doing my best to keep my breath even. "Nah, bro, it's fine. I'm just a little jumpy today, is all".
And there it is. The look of pity, the grimace as if it's his fault I'm this way. "Actually, why don't you go ahead without me?" I say, stopping before entering the campfire circle. Jason goes to retort, but then I feel a had on my shoulder. I freeze hand halfway up, about to grab the wrist of the person behind me before they move their hand away. I turn to see my amazing girlfriend, Annabeth Chase. "Hey, S-"She starts before thinking better of it. I love the nickname, don't get me wrong, it's just...today it's a little much. "Hey," She resolves to say, seemingly reading my mind. "Jase, I need to talk with Percy. Is it alright if I steal him for a bit?" She asks Jason, but it's obvious the question is for me. "Yeah, he was just saying he was gonna go to his cabin anyway. See ya later, bro," Jason says, about to give me a bro hug before thinking better of it and just walking away.
"Come on," Annabeth says, offering her hand, which I stare at for a second before she drops it. She's not disappointed, more so worried. It's a test she does whenever I'm like this. How much touch is okay, kind of thing. I still feel bad, though and resolve to just follow her with my head down, walking a few inches away from her. Far enough away that our shoulders don't touch. I just can't right now.
We make it to my cabin soon enough; our silent walk more awkward than peaceful like it usually is. I feel guilty about that.
We enter my cabin, and I immediately go and sit on my bed, pressing my back between the wall and headboard, letting my arms hold my knees close to my chest.
Annabeth takes in my body language and smiles at me in understanding. Understanding. It makes me want to sob, and I do. I trust Annabeth so much.
I can't seem to get myself to stop now. I just keep sobbing and hiccuping, and I feel so small. My breathing is erratic, and I feel like I'm choking on my tongue.
Annabeth doesn't freak out. She doesn't move to touch me even though I can tell she wants to. She just gets a chair and sits across from me, speaking softly and keeping her breath steady and audible.
"It's okay, baby, you're okay. I love you so, so much. You need to look at me, okay? You don't need to make eye contact if you don't want to. Just watch me breathe, okay?" Annabeth says in a soft voice, just loud enough that I can hear her over the blood rushing past my ears, sounding like the wind before a hurricane.
I look at her eyes before quickly watching her shoulders. Up...down...up...down... It was all I needed to understand how to breathe again, though it did take me a couple of tries and a few frustrated sobs.
"It's alright, honey, it's okay. You're doing so good, working so hard for me. There you go, sweetheart, in...and out. Good job, you're doing amazing," Annabeth continued, never stopping in her encouraging and praise, using the nicknames that she knew would make me melt.
She didn't throw around these pet names. They were special, more medicinal than teasing. They were just as affectionate, but they were just more...light.
I hiccuped, sniffling quietly. My breath had gotten slower and more steady, though it did hitch from time to time and wasn't quite even. It was good enough for now, though, as I felt significantly more solid, less lightheaded and floaty like before when I was hyperventilating.
"What do you need, love?" Annabeth asked softly once she saw that I had calmed down a little. I looked from her shoulders, back to her eyes before looking at the tops of my knees, letting out a pitiful whine, shrugging helplessly. I didn't want to talk right now. I just couldn't. I still felt so small and overwhelmed, like everything in the room was trying to suffocate me. I couldn't think of words or how exactly you had to move your mouth to make them. Did you press your lips together to make an M noise, or did you keep your mouth open? What does the letter K sound like, again?
I moved my mouth into various shapes, trying to figure out which one made me say I was okay. I let out another whine. How come I could do that but not talk like a normal person?
My breathing started to pick up again out of frustration before Annabeth quickly shushed me, asking me to look at her. I complied, looking into her grey eyes and seeing the wall behind her instead. Everything felt so fake, so immaterial. It was kind of scary. Where did my nerves go? Why couldn't I feel my hands? I couldn't hear Annabeth very well now. My heartbeat was too loud. What if she touches me to get my attention? I don't want to be touched, not now. Shit, what do I-
Annabeth leans forward, and my eyes widen. What is she doing?! I start to freak out more, but then she stops, her face a few inches away so that I can just barely feel her breath on my lips.
"Breathe"
She stays where she is, and I use her breath on my lips as a guide.
I blink slowly and look up at Annabeth to see she has moved back again. When did that happen?
"You don't need to talk, baby, it's okay. Can you just nod yes and no for me?" She asks, demonstrating in case I forgot.
I nod shakily, and she smiles at me as if I just won the Nobel Prize. It makes my throat close up and eyes well up with tears. She loves me so much. What did I do to deserve her?
She sees the perspiration in my eyes and frowns a little, and I feel bad for making her stop smiling. I go to say sorry but find I still can't speak and whine.
"It's okay, honey, just tell me later, okay?" Annabeth is quick to say, and I nod again. She smiles like before, and I feel my chest fill with helium. I made her smile. Just the idea makes me giddy, and she seems to notice but says nothing.
"Do you want me to touch you?" She asks instead, and I quickly shake my head no before feeling guilty. Maybe I should have said yes...
Before I can change my mind, though, Annabeth says, "That's alright, baby. Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit?" She says this cautiously as if being worried I'll start hyperventilating again. I shake my head no again, and she smiles. She wants to stay.
"Do you want to sleep now?" No.
"Do you want me to get you some food?" No.
"Are you thirsty?" No.
"Do you want to just sit quietly for a bit?" No.
"Do you want me to ramble for a little till you feel like talking if you do feel like talking tonight?" Yes.
And so Annabeth goes on and on about some guy named Frank Loyd Wright and how his architecture is "truly a masterpiece" and how she would improve it.
I chuckle when she starts talking about the improvements she would make and say, "Fatal flaw on the brain, huh?" To which she responds with a fond smile. Usually, she would punch my shoulder playfully, but this time she doesn't, and I appreciate that.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks, clearly talking about why I was so jumpy, but I play dumb, which I'm quite good at.
"Fatal flaws? Sure, mines loyalty as you may recall-"Annabeth cuts me off with a sigh.
"No, baby, you know what I mean," she says, and I think about denying it before thinking better of it. I would have to talk eventually anyway.
"It's fine. I just...had a nightmare last night about..." I trail off. Annabeth just waits patiently until I continue. "About G-Gabe a-and he was so angry, and I-I don't know what I did wrong and I just-"
"You didn't do anything wrong, baby. Gabe was an evil monster who did bad things cause he wanted to, not cause anyone deserved it," Annabeth interrupts.
She says it with such finality and confidence that I'm inclined to believe her, but I just can't. I nod anyway, but she seems to know what I'm thinking and frowns.
"I- I'm sorry-"I start before she interrupts me again. "Can I please cuddle you, baby? I want to show you how much I love you, and words, for once, just aren't enough."
I nod shakily, and she gets up from her chair and slowly walks to where I am, lying down so that I can lie on top of her and still feel like there's a way out if I want it. I appreciate that.
"I love you," she whispers, carding her hand through my hair softly after I lay down, my head on her stomach and her other hand around my back, guarding where my Achilles spot used to be with her arm.
"I love you too."