Short chapter. I felt that I needed to update and I'm so tired😔
Precious~
I stared at the birth control pills not knowing which option to take. I wanted to be proud that I was going to be a mother but I just had some negative thoughts about it. What if I had another miscarriage like I did with my other babies. I couldn't put up with that.
"Prec-" Gold stopped in his tracks when he saw the birth control pills. "You want to kill our babies, Precious?" He looked hurt.
"It's not that" I spoke holding back my tears.
"What is it then?" I could tell he was really angry now "can't you just give it a try?!"
"I don't want this one to end up like the others! I'm sick and tired of having miscarriages. I hate getting my hopes up to being a mother and not ending up being one! It's harder than you think Gold" I screamed as so many tears ran down my eyes.
"God works in mysterious ways. Just because you've had some miscarriages doesn't mean this one will be one. Stop having negative thoughts. I know how it feels to lose a baby too" his face softened. I knew he was trying to fight his tears.
"I'm sorry" I said feeling guilty. "I'm not ready Gold"
"But what about the times you were pregnant though"
"I don't know. I just feel...I just feel-"
"You think you don't know but truth is you do. Stop with the negative thoughts and think on the bright side. How many times do I have to tell you I'm always gonna be by your side" I shrugged. He pulled me closer to him.
"Having a baby is a gift Precious, we can't kill a life" he whispered in my ear. He was right. I didn't even know the baby and I was already having negative thoughts.
I sniffed "Promise you'll be there through thick and thin?"
"Of course baby" he gave me a kiss.
"But what if-" he placed his finger on my lips.
"There's no what if, what ever happens, happens" I nodded.
"Let's go bed"
Linda~
"We're slowly losing him!" I heard the doctors say. I tried to cry but no tears ran down my eyes.
"Will he make it?" I asked as I stared at the wires which were going in and out of Drey
"Ma'am you need to leave now" the doctor said pushing me out.
"Just tell m-" he shut the door in my face.
If Drey doesn't make it nobody would love me. That's all I wanted from Drey, Love. Even though I didn't get it I knew he would change for me some how.
But maybe being with Drey wasn't the right option. Maybe we weren't meant to be.
I sat down on the chair waiting for the doctors to come back with the response.
While Drey was in the hospital things started to go bad for him and I. He fell in to a coma and all his health pretty much went downhill. I had no money and I couldn't get hold of of his bank account since I didn't know anything about it. I had to go down the streets and beg for money and in exchange I would have sex with them and I've been depressed since I couldn't get hold of any drugs.
A doctor finally came out a few hours later.
"Linda" the doctor said holding his clipboard.
I giggled at his frown. "Don't tell me I don't wanna know but if he's alive tell him he can go and find another women". I grabbed my purse and coat making my way out of the building.
I started to realise, why should I be there for Drey when he wasn't there for me. If he loved me why did he abuse me the way he did and put my daughter through all this pain even though it was slightly my fault.
Guilt started to build in. I can't believe I put my daughter through all that bullshit a child should never have to go through. I shouldn't of gave Drey permission to rape her just to get away from the pain of her dads death.
I need Precious. I need her now, I need to apologise for everything I done to her. For ruining her childhood and for never being there for her.
Why did I only realise now that I done wrong?