I was screaming.
Yet I couldn't grasp a breath.
Against all efforts, nonetheless.
I was silent.
So, I guess I wasn't screaming.
But I tried.
I tried so hard.
Almost as if my voice was non-existent.
It didn't matter, because lately, my voice had almost seemed to have left my throat anyways.
Was this what dying felt like?
Helpless and tired?
She was only one touch away.
Just one, small inch, maybe even less.
And yet it felt like the distance between us was miles apart.
God damn, why couldn't I move?
Why couldn't I just reach out my hand and touch her?
And most of all, why couldn't I let go of the fear.
The panic.
The terror.
The heavy guilt that surrounded me day in and day out.
The things that even sleep wouldn't allow me to escape.
The things I wish I could say but know I'll never be able to.
And she would say, "Rose, lets go to the beach!" or "Rose, wanna hang out tonight?" or any other thing along those lines.
The ones that have stuck with me forever being, "I still wanna be with you." and "Let's just run away together."
If only we could be like that again.
I would change everything.
Instead of, "No, Luisa. We can't go to the beach, you're father's taking me out at 6." and "Luisa we can't run away together." It would have been, "Yes let's hang out tonight!" or "I still wanna be with you too."
Heaven.
Hell.
Love.
Hate.
Balance.
Fuck that.
Luisa was my balance.
The thing I needed so I wouldn't fall flat on my face.
The half that made me whole.
The only one who made it actually mean something when she said those three special words.
I would hurt.
But her love hid the pain.
More like swept it under the rug, I suppose.
Because the pain was never, truly, gone.
Just... hidden away.
Like an ugly truth.
Like the ugly truth about my past.
And the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can't undo it.
For gods sake, I can't even forget it.
The trauma.
I want to.
So badly to where I'd kill for it.
Which I've done.
Even though it hasn't done anything but cause more problems.
I'm scared.
I am finally able to open my eyes.
So naturally, I do.
But I wish I never did.
Because when I did, she was there.
Luisa was gone.
Everyone was, except for her.
Coming straight at me, just like a bullet.
Exactly as I feared.
Her hands go around my neck, choking me hard.
I struggle.
But the more I do, the tighter my throat gets.
I am weak.
I am nothing.
And I am going to die.
Her hands get tighter, and tighter until I hear a flat-line ringing in my ears.
"Sweet dreams, Clara." She whispers and kisses me softly.
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I open my eyes again.
Am I dead?
I don't feel tired.
Or sore, or hurt even.
I sit up and look around, dazed and confused.
But, I mean, if you thought you just died, you'd probably be confused too.
My eyes adjust to the light and I realize where I am.
The Marbella.
I'm in my old bedroom in the old penthouse suite
I start breathing heavily, wondering what the actual fuck is happening.
"Rose?" An all-too familiar voice says from next to me.
I turn to look at the person, "Emilio?!" I say, totally freaked out.
He sits up and places a hand on my shoulder, only causing me to shake vigorously.
Seeing my reaction to his actions, he removed his hand.
"Emilio how are you alive? What's going on? Where's Luisa?!" I ask sharply.
"What do you mean how am I alive? And who's Luisa?" He asked.
I'm shocked.
I know Luisa and her father have a rocky history, but him pretending she doesn't exist isn't right.
"Oh, cut the bullshit, Emilio. I know you and Luisa haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but there's no need to be petty." I told him.
"Rose, I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never met anyone named Luisa in my life." He said.
The strange thing is, I believe him.
"Luisa is your daughter! How do you not remember?!" I exclaimed.
"Darling, I don't have a daughter. I only have my son." He said calmly.
"What?! No. Luisa is your daughter and I can prove it!" I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. I remember there being a shelf with a picture of Luisa on the very right. It was the picture of her at her med school graduation.
My eyes scanned the shelf and then they found the spot where her picture is.
Or was.
Instead of my tanned beauty at her graduation, there was a picture of Rafael and Petra at their wedding.
What is happening?
At first I thought I was dead.
And now, I'm hearing Luisa Alver never existed.
What the actual fuck is happening?
And why of all people, is it happening to me?
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