How tired I am of men and the sins they use to bind us.
Thoughts of the foul and filthy fill me with dread, leave me in mortal fear for Tom. How easy it would have been for those monstrous beasts to use him ill, foul his child's body with their cruel abominations?
While I cannot deny the lording's bargain would see Tom safe and fed, educated too, must I bind myself to yet the wants of another man to gain that end?
But I am not myself full of wantonness? I durst not close my eyes, but that I feel his body hot on mine, and oh I ache for more.
Alas I am a poorly gotten creature.
###
They were fallen into easy custom now.
At dawn all arose, prepared for the next stage of their journey. Brother William blessed the day, gave thanks for their bread, broke their fast and were once more upon the road.
When the Sun was at its highest the small band halted to rest and water the beasts. Haddie saw to the preparing a meal of bread and cheese, filling cups of small beer. When fed and dusted down they continued the journey south till dusk.
When the Sun fell they would make camp at a suitably secluded spot well off the road. Tom set to gathering firewood, the brothers found and fetched water, Haddie readied the food. Sir Robert and Sergeant Blount busied themselves rubbing down and feeding the horses. All took their part, habits born of lives diverse, but so similar in frame and necessity.
Once all had eaten, bowls and cups scoured ready for the morn, bed rolls were laid about the fire and the men would take turns on watch. Brigands of all sorts roamed the forests unchecked, it was not only St Pierre and his troop that harried honest travellers. Disorder ruled the land for king or Empress, made no matter. Men with the mind to rob, abuse or kill had travellers at their mercy.
The peace of England was laid waste once more, while cousins fought to claim its crown.
###
Haddie's sleep was uneasy, but Sir Robert was not the cause. In the rush of their escape from Crumleigh, the wonder of Beckford's market, the frolicking with the company of jongleurs at the knightly wedding, then her night with the not-so-sullen lordling, she had not dwelled on the full meaning of the paint on Tom's face, nor his words. But now, as they travelled in relative safety and calm, the hideous mask of paint she had scrubbed from his young face looked back at her from the shadows, lurked half seen, causing her to shudder at a meaning not quite understood.
Tom was her world, his care, his very life was her only true concern. Though not her blood, he was as near her child as could be, and there was nothing she would not do to see him clear of harm. He grew stronger every day, now food came regular. Sir Robert's offer meant a home for them, an education for Tom, great things could be his future, a life that would see him secure, mayhap even prosperous! He might rise to be a reeve, or even a steward to some great house? He was a bright lad, all said so.
All she had to do was be drudge and leman to a high-handed, curmudgeonly knight. Not such a high price when all was said and done. But first she would speak with Brother William, learn the truth of the Devils wickedness that could have been Tom's fate. With that she could equip herself, prepare them both to know such iniquities if they were presented again.
###
"Heaven's child! Do you think the Devil concerns himself with such petty iniquities?" Brother William seemed amazed she had even asked him such a foolish question.
"But..." she got no further.
"These are mere perversities of nature, the brutish oafs who wallow in such vileness are naught but malformed minds. Not demons, just loathsome men whose souls were long since lost to our Lord." His disgust was obvious, but still dismissive.
Haddie, no wiser, knew but one thing, she would hold Tom close and never allow him to be despoiled.
Of course, this would mean she would needs curry favour with the Lordling once more. It amazed her how quickly she had acquired so much foolish pride, that she risked all for the pure pleasure of seeing his confusion when she turned aside his boorish wanting.
Foolish indeed.
###
Why with the woman, was a battle, always a battle?
Robert cursed his wretched cock for its new liveliness.
Perhaps the battle with her was actually the lure, soldiering so deep in his bones that he desired warfare even in this? Could he not just fall in to the soft arms of a loving woman, savour a more mellow pleasure?
Sitting, his back against a tree, he wondered what would it be like to go tenderly with her. It took him but a moment to decide it was foolish to yearn for what would make him weak again. He had been a milksop in his love for Marceline, it had laid him bare, robbed him of sense, his home, his son and ultimately, his faith.
His beautiful, perfect wife, was wholly deceit, her soul filled with foul greed and spite, nothing more. The mask of grace vanished from her even as her father died. She had gloated at his down fall, preened at what freedom from father and husband would afford her.
And all the while he stood by, staring dumbly at the bloodied sword in his hand.
Hopes of salvation offered by crusading had been foolish; the Holy Land had been the least holy place he could have imagined, disease, corruption, the ugliness of men's appetites, exposed the gross abuses of his faith. He returned to England a man more scarred by his so called 'redemption' than by the crime that sent him there. Casual perjuries and scheming had torn near all virtue from him.
The penitent, naïve young knight returned to his home near drained of humanity, an instrument of war clad as a man.
And now this low woman barged her way into his life, insulting what honour he had left, treating with him as if he were a common cur.
But...but the thought of her made his belly warm...and there she was again, with those full, swaying hips and bountiful breasts, offering the solace he silently craved.
Only what she offered at that moment was a mess of pottage.
"There's meat in it." She nodded toward the Sergeant, who gathered a bowl and spoon for his share. "We have master Blount to thank for that."
Sir Robert accepted, grudgingly. "A feast indeed. Let's hope no foresters catch a whiff of it, I've no use for man at arms with only one hand."
Haddie tutted, and ladled him out a generous portion.
Robert looked up at her quizzically, since taking charge of the cooking she had been almost niggardly with his share.
"Well, can't have your strength failing...can I." Adding another scoop, resisting the urge to wink brazenly, Haddie settled for ghost of a coy smile.
It was a tease; the damn woman was goading him. "No woman found me wanting of 'strength' yet." He grunted.
"Good." She flounced away, wondering at her own boldness. Teasing a man was something new, it set an oddly satisfying agitation to work in her belly.
T'was then the thought struck, what if this man's seed was more substantial than Hew's, what then?
And one concern replaced another.
###
Haddie was amazed the next day as they approached their destination. London did not rival Beckford, it dwarfed it!
A dozen Beckford's could have fitted in to the sprawl they looked down on. There were more spires than she could count, and all surrounded by great walls as far as the eye could see. The closer they got the stronger the smell, it seemed the wide trench about the walls was nought but an open midden! Did these fools know no better? such foul smelling filth should be dug deep in the ground, feed the earth and disperse the poisonous reek.
And then her disgust took a turn for the morbid, suppose the folk of this place practised dark arts? They were foreigners after all, in all her life she had never heard of this place, till now. She knew of Winchester, Mother Berthé talked of the choir there, the glory of its cathedral. It was held the old kings most favoured palace.
All knew of Winchester.
But London?
She had thought it would be all nasty hovels, filled, no doubt, with goblins. But this was different, and scared her. She must watch Tom, lest she find herself with a changeling!
###
They waited at the towering gates as Sir Robert presented his papers to the sergeant at arms who oversaw all those who wish entry. It was midday, the morning crowd of folk waiting to get their goods market had long since gone, the small party were through in no time.
Haddie and Tom looked at each other as the stink got worse, it was as if the giant midden swelled about them. But the teeming people didn't seem to notice. She was right, they were all foreigners of course. The mix of French and English was confusing, indeed they seemed to use both at the same time, and all with a drawn out nasally bark that sounded harsh to her country ears.
Rob patted the glistening neck of his mount, and urged him forward into the crowd. "If all goes well, I shall see the bishop, then the king on the morrow, and we can be on our way home by the eventide."
Haddie was not sure which alarmed her more, the fact that the lordling spoke so carelessly of meeting with a bishop, or that this would be followed by an audience with the king!
Consorting with such people could only mean trouble, the sooner they were away, the happier she would be.
###
Brother William's friary was small, and although hemmed in by other more ramshackle buildings, was neat and well kept. A courtyard, clean stables with a quiet walk way to the refectory and kitchen, with a small dormitory on the upper floor. Of course, Haddie would not be allowed any further than the stables, but this was a true house of the religious, she was safer here than in the abbess's solar in Crumleigh.
"We will find a place where you can be private and sleep out of harm's way." The little friar regarded Haddie sternly. "Tom will sleep with us." He saw no problem with the arrangements, the status quo remained intact.
In her heart Haddie screamed 'NO!' but she tried to temper her fear. Brother William had made plain he though her foolish in her fears for Tom.
"He is but a child, brother. Could he not stay with me a little longer till my heart more quiet, or he more grown?" her throat had tightened.
"Please, there be no slight to your rule, only a mothers care." Haddie felt there was no lie, for she was his mother in all law.
Brother William sighed, women's fancies were perplexing and lacked thorough logic, but he would not dispute with her.
"Very well, tonight he may stay with you, but you must prepare yourself. The lad is old enough to well parted from his mother, it will serve him little for you to hold him fast. Tomorrow he will sleep in the dormitory."
With that the friar turned from her and went about the business of creating order out of their chaos.
Much relieved, Haddie glanced at Sir Robert, but he all his concern with his conversation with Blount.
This night there would be no need to wrestle with the harlot in her soul or fret over Tom. Though brother William was right, Tom needed to be in the world, not on her leading strings.
Things needed to be done, the hay loft to be set to order, they both needed to bathe, travel stained as they were, then she must mend Piers borrowed hose. She had proved more fulsome than the youth and caused a rip.
###
I have not yet the full measure of London folk, but they are not all goblins, though sufficient of them are outlandish enough to be mistaken for such. The midden stink, like all stinks, can be borne. Here in the loft the scent of fresh straw is sweet, even the horses smell good, plain and wholesome. It calls my father's stable to my thoughts, but so much sadness lies there I must divert myself with work.
Brother Jocelyn has given me a good bone needle, I pull thread from my shift and stitch the rent in Piers hose.
It felt good to be so employed, the way life should be. The way life will be once we are settled at the Lordling's manor, I shall weave and sew, delve in my own herb patch, for assuredly he will give us a cot of our own. I certainly have no mind to make his kitchen our home, that would not do at all!
I can feel naught but hopeful, at last I have some ease in my heart.