"What’s up with you?”
Nicole asks as she reapplies her lipstick, before examining her image in the bathroom mirror. Next to her I feel like a sack, a shapeless sack with chapped gloss-less lips. We’re done with practice for the day, showered and ready to attend the afternoon slot of classes so it would only make sense that I make myself look semi-presentable but my own lipstick hangs limply in my hand.
I woke up this morning feeling absolutely lost, it’s been that way since my birthday perhaps even before that and especially since I got Cole’s text.
You didn't need him
No one's ever said that to me before. In fact the opposite is true, I’ve been told that I have to have a boyfriend and have one that’s the most popular and well liked. I’ve been told that maintaining your status is important and as the mayor’s daughter, it’s my job to uphold our family’s reputation. Since my brother rather spectacularly destroyed my parents dreams, it’s up to me to be the saving grace.
No pressure right?
And I was okay with it, okay with dealing with expectations and forever stretching myself thin enough to meet those expectations but somehow, somewhere along the way I’ve just lost the will to do it anymore.
“Do you ever feel like you’re constantly trying to be someone you’re not.”
I look at myself in the water stained mirror, at my expensive yet uncomfortable clothes and the look of absolute hopelessness on my face.
Nicole, to her credit hardly reacts to my question. She keeps doing her makeup until everything’s in place and she looks perfect, ready to rule the world.
“Not really, I’m who I always wanted to be. I’ve got everything I ever wanted for myself and so have you, right?”
Because of course it's the material things that matter. I shake my head, it’s useless to start these conversations with her because she never gets me. The fact that we’re best friends seems to be something born out of habit and not because we’re oh so compatible.
“Right.”
I mumble and we leave for class.
***
“So you want to go look for your dress after school today?”
Sadly it’s not my mother or Nicole asking me this question, it’s Jay. While most girls would be thrilled at the idea of having their boyfriend voluntarily offer to shop with them, for me the thought is a bit more than depressing. The reason I need a new dress is homecoming and I shudder at the very thought of it. Dances were fun back in middle school and maybe at the start of high school but by now it’s all about keeping up appearances. I put on a pretty dress, Jay buys a matching tie and gets me the right corsage and we spend the entire time doing anything but dancing. It’s basically a photo opportunity and the idea of going through all those motions makes me want to hurl.
But instead of doing so I smile at him, “Can’t, I…I need to go somewhere.”
Maybe it’s not the best answer, especially when we’re sitting at the lunch table with all our friends. Jay’s face turns cold as he borderline glares at me.
“The somewhere you’ve been all week?”
I feel a twinge of guilt, it’s not that I’m ignoring him. The only reason I’m avoiding him is because the more time I spend with him the more I risk breaking up with him. So I’m spending more and more time on my own, trying to fit into the right boxes but so far I’m coming up short.
“Please don’t do this here.”
I say under my breath but I know Nicole’s watching and if she’s caught on to the strain between us she’ll make it her business to get to the bottom of it.
“Why not? If you’re avoiding me then don’t I deserve to know?”
He hisses
“You do but not the whole world,”
I hiss back
“So we have something to talk about then?”
I concentrate on the rubbery pizza on my plate, “Yes we do.”
He grits his teeth but says nothing else. Everyone’s looking at us now, I can feel it and choose to ignore it. I know that the moment I’m left alone, Nicole will corner me into telling her what’s wrong. Only if I could tell her that a certain blue eyed devil is shaking up my entire world.
***
I’d driven myself to school that day and am relieved to be able to drive myself back. Nothing would be worse than driving home with Jay who’s spent the rest of the day glowering at me. I park my car and take a deep breath. I’m supposed to meet Jay at his house after practice is over and we’re going to have a talk.
Are we going to break up?
Will I really do this?
Oh My God, am I actually going to break up with the only guy I’ve ever wanted since I was a little girl. The idea makes me bang my head against the steering wheel a couple of times. I pinch the bridge of my nose and lean back in my seat. Now that my thoughts are actually materialising into actions, I feel an overwhelming sense of panic and fear but there’s a sense of freedom and perhaps relief.
Who am I?
I startle when someone knocks loudly on the driver’s side window and my heart threatens to jump out even more when I see who’s grinning devilishly at me from the other side.
How on earth does he find me at the worst situations?
“Are you having a mental breakdown?”
He asks as soon as I roll down the window
A clever retort is on the tip of my tongue but then I remember the party and how he touched me then, the text he sent me late at night. He’s made me so confused that at this moment I want to punch that smug expression right off his face.
“Would you like to document the experience for members of your cult?”
He shrugs, “I could use the footage to make my debut short film, ‘The life and times of Tessa Tries Too Hard O’Connell’,”
“And apparently fails at everything.”
I mumble, silently agreeing with him.
He’s quiet for a while and the silence allows me to ask the more important question.
“What are you even doing at my house?”
“Community service.”
Sighing, I let myself out of the car and then into the house. He’s following me and I’m slightly thrilled at the prospect of spending time with him. It’s the most time we’ve ever spent together without him treating me like dirt and it’s oddly refreshing.
I take a seat on the kitchen island and rummage through my handbag for some gum, I haven’t really eaten since breakfast.
“What did you do this time?”
My house is quiet, thankfully this means that my parents are out and Travis is well sleeping in the middle of the afternoon.
“Took the Deputy Sheriff’s daughter for a night out.”
I stiffen but make sure to appear as unaffected as possible. He’s spending time with Chelsea, really? I figure that I’m angry because he’s cheating on Nicole and the only reason I want to wrestle Chelsea to the ground is because of a best friend code.
“How did that end with you getting community service? Isn’t she like nineteen, she’s practically a cougar.”
I snort and he looks at me intently for a few moment before pushing off the counter and heading to the fridge.
“Well we did borrow his car without him knowing so…”
“Ah, gotcha. What do you have to do this time?”
“Work with your dad on the campaign.”
The jerk puts a tub of strawberry ice-cream between us on the counter and begins eating huge mouthfuls of it. My stomach rumbles loudly and I have to bite my lip to keep myself from attacking all that goodness.
Oh God.
Cole’s watching me carefully, “Yeah, I’m waiting for him here. I also want to know if I need to destroy Jason’s iPod to avoid his brain-numbing Alanis Morissette phase.”
My heart begins to thump wildly, I know what he’s hinting at. The real question is whether he’s really as calm and collected about the issue as he appears.
“Are you asking me if I’m breaking up with him?”
My voice is as quiet as a whisper but somehow the question echoes around the whole room.
He gulps and looks nervous for the first time since I’ve know him. My heart begins to race faster.
Is this it?
Is this that life changing moment I’ve been trying to reach for these past few months? Is he it?
“Tessa I…”
And Jay chooses that moment to burst into the room, for the first damn time choosing to use his key.
He’s panting like he ran all the way over here from school, still in his uniform. I gape at him as he tries to catch a breath and then turn to look at Cole who has frozen solid. The vulnerability that was on his face seconds ago is gone replaced with his usual guarded look and an unexplained feeling of immense loss makes me shake.
“Tessa,”
Jay breathes as he alternates between staring at me and then at Cole.
“What’s going on here?”
He looks genuinely confused, not suspicious and certainly not like someone whose girlfriend may or may not have feelings for his stepbrother. The idea of Cole having feelings for me is that ludicrous to the general population of Farrow Hills.
Cole’s looking at me expectantly, like he wants me to shatter Jay’s heart here and now but it’s not that simple. This guy has given me four years of his life and just because I’m no longer content with being perfect little Tessa O’Connell doesn’t mean that I get to disrespect his feelings for me.
“We…were just talking. Cole’s helping out with Dad’s campaign and we were bouncing some idea off of each other.”
He doesn't question it, just walks forward until he’s right behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.
“Oh yeah, he asked me if I wanted to take some photos with the family. You know step in for Travis.”
Across from us Cole’s shooting daggers in my direction and I have the decency to look ashamed.
Jay’s never been sensitive toward Travis’s situation, he doesn’t try to understand what my brother went through and why he is the way he is today. To make it worse at times he makes fun of him, like Travis chose to ruin his future and the fact that I keep quiet and let him do makes me lose all respect for myself.
“Always the hero aren’t you Jay Jay.”
The snark in Cole’s voice isn’t lost on any of us but Jay chooses to ignore it.
“Why don’t you go wait in Mayor O’Connell’s office? I have to talk to my girlfriend, alone.”
Cole looks at me as if compelling me to shrug out of Jay’s hold and to tell him that I’m not his girlfriend anymore but I can’t.
Looking down at my feet, I miss what must have been a thunderous glare thrown my way as Cole leaves the room.
“What the hell’s wrong with him?”
Jay murmurs into my neck and I push him off. He’s never affectionate in front of others and the only reason he held me in his arms in front of Cole was to make a point.
Point made.
I’m officially a coward.
***
“So you want to break up?”
It’s an odd picture, Jay’s in my bedroom and sitting on my bed surrounded by my pink fuzzy pillows. For a boyfriend to end up here is not unusual, it’s the circumstances surrounding him being here that are strange.
For example, take the words that just came out of his mouth, never thought I’d hear them in this lifetime. But somehow Cole’s growing disdain towards me and my general lack of self respect made me step up and do something about the fact that I constantly feel like I’m drowning.
Jay’s face is pale but the look on his face is not one of hurt but of confusion, like he can’t even begin to imagine why someone would want to break up with him.
“I don’t know what I want.”
Trembling, I take a seat at my vanity table, which places me as far away from him as possible.
“But obviously you’ve figured out that you don’t want to be with me.”
I flinch, “It’s not like that. It’s not like I like doing this…I don’t even know why I’m doing this.”
I say the last part more to myself than to him.
He sighs, “I don’t even know who you are anymore. This year was supposed to be our year and it’s like you’re hell bent on ruining it for me.”
“Why does it always have to be about you Jay? When was the last time we ever did something because it was what I wanted?”
“Because you always want to do the same things I want to!”
He cries out, gripping at his hair like he wants to pull it out. “Isn’t that why we get along so well babe?”
I fall back into my chair and cover my face with my hands, groaning into them. I want to reach back, grab my hairbrush and throw it at him.
“We get along,”
I say through gritted teeth, “because all I ever want is for you to be happy in our relationship. That’s my fault I get it, I really do but I can’t…”
I think I’m probably having a panic attack.
Jay rises from the bed and quickly walks over to me, getting down on his knees he clasps my wrists.
“Breathe Tessa.”
I do.
“One more time, breathe in.”
He demonstrates and I follow.
“Now breathe out,”
I repeat and feel the panic subsiding.
“Jesus Tessa, what was that about?”
“That’s how I feel most days, like I can’t breathe.”
I admit
He lets go of my hands and falls back to the floor.
“I think you need time.”
“Huh?”
“You’re going through a phase, it’s common in long term relationships. You feel scared of being with the same person for the rest of your life and that fear’s making you destroy a perfectly good thing.”
He pats my hat like I’m a freaking kitten.
I must be staring at him like he’s lost his marbles because he’s quick to explain. “It was Doctor Phil special, I even taped it in case you would like to…”
“Get out!”
“What?”
I’m furious right now and he’s lucky if I don't Jackie Chan his butt right now.
“I said get out!”
It’s almost comical how he quickly crawls over the floor in an attempt to get away from me. The nerve of the guy to belittle the feelings that have been putting my entire life into question.
“I’ll send the tape just in case.”
I throw my shoe at him and dang it just missed his face by an inch.
***
“Sweetheart do you want me to schedule an appointment with Dr. Stephenson?”
“I don’t need a shrink mom.”
“Of course you don’t need one but it never hurts having someone to talk to…”
“I’ll call Nicole, thanks for reminding me.”
The atmosphere around the dining table is a little strained ever since I announced that Jay and I had broken up. Well, in his mind we’re taking a break but given the fact that I no longer feel like there’s a gigantic weight on my chest I don’t think I’m of the same view.
A loud bang on the table has me cowering back, it’s the sound of my mother’s fist landing heavily on the table and is followed quickly by my dad’s shout.
“Why are you doing this?”
She cries out and I’m literally on the verge of running away from her and hiding. She’s got a feral expression on her face, of anger that I’m not used to seeing from her.
“Mom, I…”
“For once in your life you actually have friends and aren’t stuffing your face with everything you get your hands on. You have a boyfriend Tessa! Do you realize that up until a couple of years ago that wouldn’t even have been a possibility? Jay made you change! If he’s no longer in your life…”
It may be the fact that tears are rapidly spilling down my cheeks that cause my father to bellow, “Enough! Would you shut the hell up!”
He screams at mom but it’s too late.
I push away from the table, wiping at my face and rush to the front door. I only take the time to grab my coat with my phone in it before running out.
My heart sinks as I walk through the row of houses next to mine. No one comes after me, no one’s calling out my name. A single decision, a small one that has nothing to do with my parents has them tearing me apart.
Am I just who I date?
Shuddering at the thought, I keep walking aimlessly. It’s a small town and impossible to get lost in, if I keep walking I’ll eventually end up right where I started.
My phone buzzes in my pocket a couple of times and it’s mostly texts judging from the ringtone. I end up in the town square where a few people are scattered about. It’s a weekday and not many people are out and about, something I’m grateful for. The last thing I need is to become the subject of small town gossip.
Taking my phone out I go through the texts.
Nicole: You broke up with Jay? Are you crazy?
Nicole: I’m coming over! Don’t screw up your life Tess
Nicole: What the hell, your mom said you threw a huge fit and stormed out. Are you high?
Any texts that follow are more of the same and make me feel increasingly lonely. She doesn’t get me, my own best friend and she has absolutely no idea what’s going on with me. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them.
Maybe she’s someone else I need to break away from.
I don’t know how long I sit there for but its enough time for people who if the wanted to find me, to find me. No one’s here and I’m not surprised but then there’s a soft touch on my shoulder. I look to my right and see Cole sitting down next to me, casually like it’s no surprise that he’s the one with me.
“Did you come here to say I told you so?”
“Did you really hit Jay Jay with a shoe?”
“Unfortunately I missed.”
He chuckles, it’s a sound I rarely hear from him and it seems to warm my insides.
“Do you want to tell me why you’re sitting out here alone or why Cassandra sent me to find you.”
“She sent you?”
I’m genuinely perplexed.
“Mayor O’Connell called her and Jay was being an idiot about it so she sent me.”
“What’d she bribe you with?”
“I’m off of dish duty for the next month.”
“That’s nice.”
“So you guys are broken up huh.”
I don’t know if it’s a question and he doesn’t prod me for an answer.
“You know it’s weird. I spent all these years thinking about how I want this one thing, this guy who’s going to be the answer to all my problems. But in the four years that we’ve been together I always felt like I was trying to catch up with me, like I was never good enough.”
My voice breaks off towards the end, there’s a huge knot in my throat that I’m trying to speak past but nothing coming out. I might actually start crying in front of Cole Stone, shoot.
“I know what it’s like, Shortcake, wanting something your whole life and never getting it. You build up these impossible ideas in your mind and when reality doesn’t compare, yeah it sucks.”
He’s empathizing with me, not making fun. I almost feel the need to ask him what he’s talking about but there’s only so far that I’ll be able to push him.
“How do you deal with it then? How do you face the fact that it’s all a lie?”
He looks at me sadly and I want to hunt down and kill the girl who broke his heart.
“I’m still trying to figure it out. Who knows, things might actually work out for me.”
“I wish they would, at least one of us deserves a happy ending.”
“Maybe both of us can get it.”
We sit in the quiet, it’s strangely surreal to be able to be completely silent with Cole and still feel so at peace. It’s the feeling I’ve long been searching for.
His phone’s lighting up constantly though and he dismisses it quickly but not before I see her name.
“Nicole’s trying to find you.”
“I called off our arrangement, she’s pissed.”
I’m exhilarated and then ashamed of my reaction instantly. With the kind of fluctuating emotions I’ve been through today, I may have to borrow a couple of mom’s pills.
But more importantly…
“You guys broke up too?”
“We were never dating so I don’t know if we broke up but yeah whatever we had, I ended it.”
Nicole’s going to be devastated, holy crap.
My best friend’s obsessed with the guy and I’m happy at the prospect of him leaving her, I’m going to hell yup that’s it.
“But…but…you two were so…”
“Shut up Tessie, just shut up.”
“Did you just call me Tessie?”
“Yeah it’s a pet name, like something I’d call my dog if I had one.”
“Jeez that makes me feel so much better about life.”
He shrugs, “I live to make your life a happier place O’Connell.”
Strangely so, had it not been for him provoking me I never would’ve had the courage to change my life around the way I did today. I no longer feel like I’m underwater, out of control and spiraling further and further away from the person I truly am.
It’s a small step and my future’s uncertain. I still have feelings, unexplained ones for a boy that I’ll never be able to figure out truly. But there’s a spark in me now that wasn’t there before and I’ll take that over having nothing at all.
“You want to go to Rusty’s?”
I ask him, standing up and probably grinning like an idiot.
“Will you go there and embarrass me by ordering rabbit food?”
“Nope! I’ll have the double patty cheeseburger with cheesy fries and one large strawberry milkshake.”
“And dessert?”
“Strawberry ice-cream sundae of course.”
He grins and for the night we call a truce. The past is forgotten, we’re not the people we used to be.
Tonight we’re Cole and Tessa, perhaps it’s a new beginning.