Burn It ~ D-2, AgustD, Max
"Let's burn it, my past self
It would burn again to the deepest pits below, to the very last
Set fire to it, more fire to it, wonder what will remain thereafter
I don't know, I don't know after it's all burnt
We don't know if there'd be ashes left, or will it remain the same"
1 month before leaving her family.
Being unemployed is not as fun as people think.
What else could she had asked for? Her mom was paying for her commitments, her skincare products and whatever she wanted to eat.
she was basically financially babied by her mom but was it worth it?
Was being financially dependent on someone allows that someone to have authority over someone's everything?
Not only that she had to do whatever her mom told her to do, even if she did it, it's never enough, there is always something that is wrong with whatever she did.
Being told that she was not good enough,
she's not praying hard enough,
the reason for her unhappiness came from her lack of faith in God.
Just because someone doesn't see her praying as hardcore as they expected, she's automatically not praying for her dad's peace in the afterlife.
Just because she didn't pray for her dad, that automatically means she doesn't love her dad anymore?
How can any of that make sense?
All these things that kept going in her head made her gave up on everything and she is absolutely done with everyone and everything.
She refused to do anything anymore, not even when her mom told her to do something and she just sleeps, all day and all night.
She is just tired of everything and everyone.
Tired...
Exhausted...
It's called 'one of those days' but it seemed to be like it goes on every day.
One day when she has her 'one of those days' mood on, her mom kept barging into her room, completely robbing her privacy and peace from her.
The fact that she lacked those two things, her mom had to take away the remnants of what was left to keep her sanity in check, away from her.
Of course, it is bad to lash out towards someone who financially supported her, because her mom practically owned her right?
She couldn't help it but to scream at her mom, the trauma of what happened 8 years ago crawling slowly to her mind though she tried oh so hardly to forget.
"Don't touch me" She spat bitterly.
Her mom looked taken aback from her daughter's reaction.
"Don't touch you? I gave birth to you, I took care of you, fed you, bathed you, practically slave away my life taking care of you even until now, and I can't even touch you?" Her mom spat back.
She knew what her mom said was true but she can't help but remember every time her mom holds her, she was reminded of those days where she was left on the floor, sobbing in pain, bruises on her body, marks from the strong whip from the clothing hanger her mom used to strike her with anger that her mom pent in from her dad's constant drinking.
All she did was annoy her sister, she didn't let her sister to study and she deserved to be beaten to the point she had no energy of fighting back nor cry, emotionless on the floor, tears soaking her clothes, there was no blood but her heart was soaked in crimson liquid.
Was all these petty mistakes she made, resulting in her to deserve to be choked to the point she couldn't breathe, almost losing her consciousness?
she deserves to be stepped on like she's a mere dust on the floor?
For her to be spat on like she's the most disgusting thing in the world?
Mere mistakes like other kids would've done too, but they didn't get whacked this bad right?
No sane parents would degrade their child this way right?
They're children, what would they know?
Why would anyone ever hit a child just for misbehaving?
If adults knew to solve issues without using violence, then why do they inflict violence to teach kids?
Why do adults abuse kids like that?
Because kids are weaker than adults?
It's fair, everyone has their own pain.
But what part of that allows someone to inflict pain on others just because they were hurt before?
If the adults knew that getting hurt at a young age will affect the kids' mental health afterwards and sometimes it's impossible for them to heal it then, why do they hurt kids?
Why would anyone hurt someone to teach them a lesson?
If an adult doesn't listen, there other ways that the other adult usually will do before resulting to violence, right?
Then why do parents immediately hit their children just because they didn't listen to them?
Why can't parents train kids to understand and communicate like adults if they want their kids to understand their parent's situation or feelings?
Parents always tell their kids to 'grow up' or 'stop behaving like a child' when
KIDS ARE CHILDREN, THEY ARE CHILDREN AND NO SHIT SHERLOCK WILL THEY BEHAVE LIKE A CHILD!
Do parents even realise how bad those hits affect their child's mental health, emotions and self fucking esteem?
Do they even realise how painful it is?
Not necessarily the hits only but the words and those actions could be a permanent memory in their child's mind.
Those memories are the hardest to forget, it affects their emotions, and again,
self esteem, their self worth,
plus when those memories changed their attitude or personality in the future,
when they decided to be stronger,
they're automatically being perceived as the 'bad guy' by their family or outsiders.
Then, the fucking audacity of the parents to tell their child off for fighting back,
for raising their voice to their parents because their parents just don't listen too!!!
It's like this loop again,
it goes on this fucking depressing loop and the fact that this loop won't over break unless both sides understand what are the issues with whatever they're doing.
She remembered the time when her mom asked her once after her father's death, how she's going to treat her mom after her dad's pass.
She was literally shocked when her mom asked her that.
Treat her like what?
Trash?
Wasn't that her mom's doing?
When she was 16 years old.
The constant hits and words abuse by her mom poured on her for 3 years were put to an end when she decided that enough is enough.
It was when she was 16, suffering from an eating disorder got her feeling super irritated with everything, even the smallest sound that annoys her could trigger her violent side.
Her brother caused a ruckus between her mom and her just because he couldn't find a damn t-shirt.
3 years of mental torture turned her into who she is now, she attacks back now.
She refused to let anyone push her around anymore and she will fight back now.
She snapped at the smallest thing her mom said, not giving her mom a chance to speak anything mean to her anymore.
People thought that she's an ungrateful child,
a bad child.
She knew that her friends secretly judged her too, how she was mean to her sweet mother.
Does anyone know what goes behind their closed door?
Or maybe when she attacked her cousin because her cousin got special treatment from her parents since
she was smart and the bitter 13 years old girl hit her cousin who was 2 hears younger than her
just because she was jealous.
Her sister told on her to their dad and
daddy savior of course beat her up for attacking his brother's daughter and
when her mom came in between her father and her, she honestly thought that her mother would protect her but what ended her trust on people that were supposed to protect her,
was due to her mom joined along her dad, beating up a helpless 13 years old girl.
She couldn't breath, she was panting so hard that
she couldn't breathe.
She was choking on her breath, grasping for air as much as she can because the constant sobbing and screaming for them to stop distracted her from breathing.
She forgot to breath just so she can scream.
Instead of asking what's wrong with her, instead of feeling bad for hitting her so bad to the point that she couldn't breathe, her mom guilt tripped her.
"What is wrong with you? stop doing this! Do you want your father to end up in jail? Is that what you want?" Her mother grabbed her face tightly and threatened her.
and people wonder why was she mean to her mom... now.
How can she forgets all these things that happened to her when all of these memories were the reason why she's a mean bitch now,
she's rude,
she is cold towards everyone because of these things that happened during her teen years.
People change right?
Everyone change right?
For better and for worst, she's certainly not the strongest person to be the same nice girl, the same pathetic person who accepts anything without saying a damn thing about it.
How can anyone fucking justify that its normal to get beat up by their parents?
How can anyone say that it is common to get whacked by parents when the child made a mistake?
There are normal people, functional humans that were asked how their parents scolded them if they did something wrong?
They simply said that they either get badly shouted at or grounded, their privileges gets taken away from them until they learned their lessons
and they're humans with functional mindset now.
They're kinder to people, they're nicer to people, they're the people that help people in need
because they weren't selfish to protect themselves so that other would suffer and that's all from the
mindset of "you need to suffer because I suffered before"
that they don't have because they weren't taught that way and they didn't get abused when they were all children.
So, does anyone really think that, she has to blamed here?
It's normal right? Everyone gets caned for their mistakes, hitting them like they're animals because they don't understand.
Because it's okay to be caned like animals right? Caning to teach people are good right?
Heck, even animals are protected better by respective groups, organizations, and etc.
It's okay to beat up a child if the point is to teach them right?
That's not child abuse right?
It's okay to choke a child to teach them a lesson right?
It's okay to step on a child's chest to teach them a lesson right?
It's okay to spit on a child to teach them a lesson right?
It's okay to tell a child that their parents wished that they were never born in the first place, that they're a mistake,
to teach them a lesson right?
How can anyone forget this?
It's funny how people are taught not promote violence, to not inflict violent behavior anywhere and in fact, being violent towards someone is a crime...
People who are violent towards someone gets charged...
but children are being exposed to violence not from the tv but from their own parents because of the mistakes the children made...
Petty mistakes children made which they barely understand anything they did.
Present
So when her mom asked why would she still remember all these, all she could point out was she can't help it that she remembers it.
The fact that her mom never once apologised for hitting her for saying all those mean things to her.
How can she forget it when she never gets to forgive?
Those actions made her question her worth and her willing to live. It made her want to end her life.
When she pointed all this out, her mom broke down and said sorry and she felt bad because she didn't know that her daughter would keep all these memories until now.
She didn't want to forgive her mom because the pain was still fresh though it has been 5 years.
Her mom didn't want to eat and of course that broke her, so she forced herself to forgive her mom and
they were okay for a while...
When her mom reminded her how she took care of her and how she is repulsed with the thought of her mom touching her, it made her angry.
How can her mom not have a tinge of guilt in her if she apologized just a few months ago?
She literally said that she's traumatised and her mom needed to understand that but her mom refused to back down.
After few years of not raising her hand on her daughter, her mom slapped her because she told her mom to get out from her room.
She was stunned of course, she never expected this to happen at all.
She told her mom to leave her room right now or she will attack her mom
and her mom had the fucking audacity to attack her again, and that made her push her mom away towards the door and her mom choked her again, and she slapped her mom, and that's when her mom went absolutely maniac at her.
Her mom choked her harder with a face that she couldn't recognize at all,
she kept calling out to her mom because she was genuinely scared of her mom that time.
She didn't have any choice but to smack her mom's face repeatedly to get her mom to listen and her mom started having trouble with breathing.
"how could you even have the heart to hit your own mother?" her mom panted out.
She didn't know that her mom was conscious because the woman she saw a few minutes ago absolutely didn't look like her mom.
She hugged her mom tightly, telling her mom to breathe properly and she was legit terrified.
Her mom was right, she killed her dad and now she's about to end her mom's life too.
She will be the reason for her parents' death after this.
She couldn't accept the reality of that, she absolutely did not want that to happen,
she would rather fucking end her life if that ever happens
when her mom slowly regained her breath,
the feeling of her heart clenching intensifies and she felt absolute horrible for existing.
That was the moment that she started questioning God what was the reason for her survival of her many suicide attempts, what was the good thing that she is supposed to get
when all the good blessings and people were taken away from her?
What fucking reasons does God have to justify her life when she made her choice to end her life
not once
not twice
but more than 20 times.
What kind of good thing has she ever brought to people, any kind of bless has she did for anyone at all during her time of living?
What kind of benefits does anyone gain from her living?
When there were no answers from God, she knew that she lived a life based on a fucking lie.
All those 'life is going to get better'
'there are better life out there'
'things are going to get easier for you'
said by her dad,
her friends,
whoever that motivated her to live are fucking lies.
All she did was hurt people around her, her selfish self ruined people's lives,
she is the constant reason for everyone's unhappiness.
She makes people unhappy.
She is a curse.
When that reality hits her,
she started attacking herself, knocking her head hard, repeatedly on the wall to the point it bled and swelling from the constant hits.
Her mom had to grip her head and hands to prevent her from moving.
She then knocked on her chest repeatedly till it left nasty bruises, the pain lasted for 2 weeks, so did the bruises.
Getting herself into a panic attack, passing out then cry her fucking face off.
She knew that she needed to end her life that time.
She just knew that she needed to die.
"But why weren't you dead, yet?"
1 week before she moved to South Korea
A few days before she made the decision to leave her house, she was on her mom's bed, scrolling through social media.
She didn't listen to the whole conversation between her mom and her sister but her mom said something about how she had it tough and how her kids are privileged to have parents like them.
The anger in her was indescribable as she was triggered by what her mom said and then told her mom that
everyone have their own pain and
her mom should never compare whose pain is greater and never belittle or degrade someone's pain if she simply doesn't feel it.
Her sister slowly nodded at her words but her mom kept telling her why would she kept bring up the past and
she pointed out that her mom brought up the topic of her past and her mom told that she forgave her dad for being a shit parent and
she later replied her mom that she forgave her mom too.
But she can't forget. No one can forget that.
She knew that her mom was being in denial as she can't forget what her dad did to her either and she knew that her mom didn't want to admit her mistakes.
She was livid when her mom kept degrading her pain as if her pain doesn't matter.
Her mom said she never once told people what went wrong though people noticed and that made her felt bad for telling people and her family what went wrong with her.
Is it wrong to educate people?
To tell people that they're wrong about something?
Her mom kept saying that she's a mom and she gets to do whatever she wants to her child and the child has to accept it
meanwhile, if a child does something bad to their mom, then that automatically labels a child an ungrateful and awful child...
That moment, she just knew that it was pointless to argue with her mom.
Her mom will never realise what she did to her was wrong and she maybe apologised once before
but it wasn't genuine as there was none,
not even a tiny bit of guilt was in her.
She laughed in disbelief.
This is a fucking joke,
this life is a fucking joke.
That's when she made up her mind that she needed to leave immediately,
so she slowly packed her stuff then left her home, without letting anyone know about her whereabouts.
She felt like she didn't owe them a damn explanation and she was really heartbroken because there was nowhere possible to get anyone to understand her.
She needed to leave so she finally left...
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
A/N: *waves in tiny*
Annyeong people, man that was kind of long but I feel like it's important to explain in detail why she decided to leave and hey, let's talk about child abuse.
I believe the 90's kids and well whoever that are older than that, we were once hot by our parents because of our mistakes right?
Like please comment if its a yes or no because I genuinely wanna know who didn't get hit before because I do have some friends that never got hit by their parents, they were punished in other form that doesn't involve violence.
I feel like this is a much needed topic to be discussed on because I have worked with many organizations that protects children and we have done events to celebrate child, educate children on their rights and so on.
But we always educate the children but never the parents?
Why though?
I feel like, starting from preschool or daycare, parents should sit down with their kids and listen to talk on how they should never use violence to teach their kids.
I know anger is within us all, and sometimes we can't help it to raise our hands but if you think properly, we as adults when we're really done with someone, if someone made us so fucking angry to the point you want to hit them, you think twice before hitting them right?
You're scared for the other person to hit you back or getting charged or sometimes your reputation gets tarnished from attacking people.
So what do we do?
We swear at the them, we throw or break things to release our anger, we cry or some wise people just walk away and wind down their anger.
But kids gets whacked, pushed, chocked, caned because they're children, they're weak, even if they fight back, adults are stronger, and who are they gonna complain to?
Tell on their parents that took care of them?
Who's gonna take care of them if their parents are arrested?
Who's gonna trust a child? All they do is exaggerate right?
So, i don't know...
I feel like they're not protected properly, and I hate that they had to go through that process of 'learning' with violence involved.
Who to soothe them after they get hit? Who do they go to for comfort after they're being hit by their own parents?
.....
I don't understand why would people say this is normal? violence is not normal, just because a lot of people face the same thing doesn't mean it's okay or normal.
If you get sore throat or fever, they're a common disease right? but people treats is immediately, people still take it as a sickness.
so how is this 'educational' hitting is not called abuse?
I really hope we as humans can start telling people off, tell your friends who are parents not to hit their child, your aunt, uncle, mom, dad, whoever not to hit their child, that's not how they learn!
If you want your child to grow up fast and understand then speak to them in a way that they understand.
they're your children, how you shape then is how they're gonna end up being.
This goes in circle, how those abusive traits are passed down in generations as if it's a fucking hereditary property.
This gotta stop and I hope you all could do something go change it.
Change always starts with ourselves🥺
So, please :|
help those kids, help yourselves.
Anyways Yoongi is comin next chappieeeee,
love you all 🥺🥰
ALSO PREORDER BE PLEASE, THE COMEBACK IS SUPER SOON AND AND LIFE GOES ON LETS LIVE ON SKJSKSJSSK IM A HARDCORE SOBBING MESS RIGHT NOW🥺🥺🥺
xoxo yoongislxght
Source: Tumblr and Pinterest, I will update the owner of the gifs and edits soon!