this chapter contains angst! please be careful and skip this chapter if it will make you uncomfortable.
Y/N POV
~
☆☆☆
New York City, New York
☆☆☆
~
I slowly slide down the door, leaning against it as I take a heaving breath. I wipe away my tear with the collar of my shirt. I look around the apartment, and dread what I see. Its not something specifically, its something which is missing. Without their presence, it feels empty, hollow, as of something is out of place.
I rest my head back, hitting the door. I bring my knees in, hugging them close, crossing my arms and resting them on my knees. I then place my head on top of the make-shift platform. My eyelids get droopy, forcing me to blink and send tears down. I hear as the door into the apartment building shuts just downstairs, meaning Dream is gone. Like, really gone.
My heart feels emptier than before. When George and Sapnap left I felt horrible, but Dream helped that feeling go away, almost like a reminder that I'm not completely alone yet. Now that he's gone too, there no telling what's going to happen with my emotions. Well, if you were smart enough, you could probably guess.
I take quaking breath as yet another tear rolls down my face. This time, I let it stream, wetting my forearms underneath of my chin. I sniffle, my nose suddenly clogging with my crying. I face downwards as more tears stream down, falling down and darkening my clothing in the spots that they hit. I close my eyes, allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts. That was probably not a good decision, given how much I over think and assume.
Why am I so upset about this? I just simply don't understand. Why don't I understand? Why has this never happened in my 19 years on this planet? It makes me feel so stupid that I don't understand my feelings, even if they correlate with the thoughts inside my head.
I know what I'm thinking, don't I? So why does it have to be so fucking hard to understand emotions? This is so unfair. Humans and emotions suck. Why can't I be an emotionless shell?
trust me, its not as fun as it sounds
I feel something soft brush against my legs, and I lift my head to see Lucky coming over. I assume its to comfort me. I let down my knees, stretching my legs out in front of me. I scoop her up and cradle her close to my chest.
"This is so hard, Lucky," I say. She presses her face further into my palm, almost as if she's claiming she understands. I cuddle with her for a bit, and it helps take my mind off of things temporarily.
Once she fills her need for attention, she hops away, strolling carelessly. I stand up with her, deciding it might be time to upload that video I was thinking about earlier. A few remaining tears stream down my face, but I ignore them. They'll dry somehow.
I walk into my bedroom, sitting down at my setup. I hope I'll feel better before my stream, since I haven't been doing a lot of streaming recently because of the boys coming over.
I enter a new tab for YouTube, clicking the upload button. While it does so, I decide to clean up a bit. I take the sheets off of my bed, balling them up and placing them on the hallway floor. I then enter the guest bedroom, also taking off the sheets and balling them up.
I place them in the washing machine, starting it up. I slam the door shut in frustration that has recently replaced my sadness. I walk back to my monitors, hoping my video is done uploading. Not even close.
I throw myself onto my bed, opening up my phone and hoping to find something to occupy my thoughts. As soon as it opens it leads me to my most recent used app: TikTok. Sometimes I depend on it to occupy me, but now, it seems useless. All of the videos filling my for you page are videos of the boys, occasionally me. I smile at them, reading the descriptions and the comments.
It soon becomes near impossible to read the words, my vision blurring as tears fill my eyes again.
"God, why do I miss them so much?" I ask myself.
I let my tears fall once more. I don't wipe them away, or stop myself from crying. I let myself cry, I let all of my feelings spew out of me uncontrollably. I cry until my cheeks are red, my eyes are puffy, and my shirt is soaked. Once I finish, I don't feel better like I expected, or rather hoped. I feel empty. I feel vulnerable, like there's nothing I can, or will do to help my situation.
My feelings are true. I can't do anything, no matter how much I wish I could. I can't just force any of them to come back, or make their planes turn around. They will stay suspended in air until they land in their own states, George in his own country, hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.
I sniffle and dry my last tear, feeling it soak into my shirt. My mind is empty, my face expressionless.
Thoughts finally start to accompany me, looking back at everything that we did when George, Sapnap, and Dream were here. I start regretting the little moments when we weren't doing anything, just relaxing. I wish I had done more with them, made more memories that I could look back on and hold on to.
Eventually, the last night I spent with Dream comes back into mind. We never talked about what had happened, what it might have meant, even though we most likely should have. It seems like progress in our relationship if you ask me. I just remember the cold, the rings, the cuddling... The kiss...
Wait. The rings.
I perk up from my spot on my bed, suddenly alert. I awkwardly jog into the guest bedroom, searching every surface. I look over at his nightstand, and there they are.
Four rings lay on the nightstand.
I don't know how, but I feel like he left them here on purpose. Call me crazy, but maybe he's doing this to show me that we will meet again. To show my that there will be an opportunity where I can hand these rings back to him, where I can hug all three of them.
Now he probably just left them here by pure mistake, but pretending, imagining this fantasy world where its left as a sign, is helping me feel better.
I pick them up, taking them into my bedroom and placing them in their own small jewelry box. I sigh as I close it, sitting down at my computer. I decide to look through my emails, since I have about 1000 unopened messages.
Great. Here we go.
~
10:33am.
I finish reading the last email, then decide it's time to move onto discord.
Oh, I never opened the message from Wilbur from my stream. I read it to myself.
WilburSoot:
good job staar :)
i wasn't actually being mean, it was just part of the bit btw
Oops. It'll be kind of weird responding a while later, but I'll do it anyways.
staar.live:
thanks :D
To my surprise, he responds rather quickly.
WilburSoot:
so how are the boys??
staar.live:
dream left today and sap and george left yesterday :(
WilburSoot:
aw sorry to hear that
staar.live:
its ok its not your fault
WilburSoot:
so i heard a bunch of people r gonna be on the smp later
like pretty much everyone
would you like to accompany us?
staar.live:
sure
looking forward to it :)
I exit the tab, deciding to head into twitter. I shoot a few replies out to different creators, liking fan art when I see it. It's so crazy to see the hundreds of talented people drawing my minecraft skin, appreciating me. It makes me feel more loved than I ever have.
I stand up from my chair and decide to go get a snack from the kitchen. I walk over, seeing a bag of chips still outside of the pantry. Everything else that used to be in there are out on the counter tops. Lucky's treats, chips, canned foods, snacks, everything. I groan.
"Jesus. I should probably clean that up," I say to myself, walking over to the mess. "Thanks a lot Sapnap."
I carefully place everything back into the pantry, making sure to keep the chips out. I pour them into a large bowl, deciding to watch a movie before I start my stream.
I decide on Hamilton, just to get into the whole "building a country" and "war" mood that will probably fall upon me while I'm on the server. Something about having a ton of "important" figures on the server makes me think there's going to be one very long bit, which I need to be prepared for.
The disney intro plays, and I get comfortable in my spot on the couch. lucky eventually comes up to my to harvest some cuddles, which she gets (of course).
~
I watch intently, almost as if I'm going to use this information. With the things going on the in dream smp, who know's whats going to happen. We've done so much, we might as well make L'Manberg an actual country in real life.
~
"He did not!" I yell out, pointing to the screen as the song 'say no to this plays' where Hamilton is seen on screen, engaging in... Interesting acts with Maria. Lucky snaps her head upwards, and pounces towards the area where I point. I chuckle.
"No, Lucky," I say, still giggling and returning my attention back to the screen.
~
1:17pm.
That was really good. For the knowledge, and for the mood. I jump up from the couch, marching to my set up confidently.
I enter twitch, looking at who's live. A bunch of people, including Wilbur and Tommy, so I doubt my viewers will be at the amount that they usually will be. I prepare myself, both mentally and physically, making sure everything is ready.
I click the start streaming button, and wait for people to start joining before I change my screen. Once I hit the 3 minute mark, I decide to change my screen to minecraft. I log onto the Dream smp, appearing in L'Manberg.
Let's make history.
ok I know this chapter is really short but this is all that I wanted to include, and I think I'm going to release the next chapter at the same time as this one just for you guys ;) the next chapter has a lot of the dream smp war, and I want to be able to write as much as I want to without having the title of this chapter to be a bit... misleading. Again, sorry about the short chapter. Anyways, I love you, you matter, MUAH xoxo author
Words: 1860