Pairings: None. It's all about Santana.
Warnings: Self-harm, suicide, character death. If you are easily triggered don't read this.
"I haven't even told my parents yet." I sobbed. I ran out of Sue's office and into the washroom that nobody used. The toilets were almost always broken in there.
I slumped down onto the floor, vision blurred by tears. I couldn't believe what just happened. Finn's words kept ringing in my head.
I am a coward.
I was gasping for breath and my chest was constricting painfully. My vision was becoming spotted and I felt like I was about to pass out.
I needed to scream. I needed to scream until my throat was raw and I couldn't speak. But, I didn't. The only sounds that resonated throughout the washroom were my gasps and sobs.
It only got worse when I thought about how my parents would react.
I heard the bell ring for last period. I couldn't stay in the washroom forever or else people would notice. I somehow managed to slow my breathing before getting up and fixing myself as best as I could.
My eyes were insanely puffy and red, my nose was still red as well. But, I put on my bitch face and it still seemed to work as I made my way to my next class.
I kept walking until I bumped into Quinn.
"Hey." She smiled, but it faltered when she took in my face. "San, what's wrong?" She asked.
"Nothing." I hissed. When I moved to walk past her, she gently grabbed my forearm.
"Santana. Wait. I-if you need you talk, just call me, okay?" Quinn said nervously.
I nodded at her before moving towards my next class.
*
When the ad aired, everybody was looking at me. Normally they were to scared to even glance my way. But they were literally looking at me.
The day went by pretty normally besides that, though. Until I was walking to my car.
"Hey! Dyke!" I heard a deep voice call from behind me. I ignored it and kept going. "Don't fucking ignore me, Princess." The same voice growled, much closer than before. "You see, I'm a lot bigger than you. I also think I could help you through this little phase of yours a lot quicker. If you know what I mean."
I kept going. When I got to my car, I unlocked the door and quickly hopped in before peeling out of the parking lot.
I thought that a few days after the ad came out, it'd die down.
I thought wrong.
It was a torturous process. Guys would make cat calls, some would even offer to 'fix me'.
Nothing good came out of being outed. I thought that maybe Brittany would want to be with me if I was out. But she wouldn't leave that fucking cripple. And, on top of that, I didn't feel better about myself. If anything, I felt worse.
But, one day, I was cornered against my car and the same jock from the first day was pressed up against me.
His lips were brushing up and down my neck as tears streamed down my cheeks.
"Just let me fix you." He'd said. "It'll be easy. And I'll make it good for you too." He added with a dark chuckle.
I kneed him in the crotch and took the opportunity to leave in my car while he double over in pain.
I almost crashed 3 times since my vision was blurred by the abundance of tears seeping from my eyes.
My parents were still on their vacation trip, so I'd been all alone throughout this entire thing. I was hoping they hadn't watched tv. I didn't want them to see the ad.
I walked in the house and immediately fell to the ground in a balls of sobs.
I slowly managed to gain enough energy to take myself upstairs and into my bedroom.
I need a shower, I thought to myself.
I disrobed, still crying, and turned the shower on. When I stepped in, the water was scalding, but I barely felt it.
In a sudden rush of rage, I threw everything against the wall of the shower before crumpling to the floor of the tub under the scorching water.
I saw a flicker of silver and saw that I broke my shaver. A single blade was laying a few inches from my feet and it was then that I noticed the cut going along my palm.
It didn't hurt so much as tingled.
Maybe I could just-
No, you're not going to become one of those girls, Santana Lopez
I told myself.
But my body was moving on autopilot and I was suddenly grasping the blade.
It was tempting, so I closed my eyes and pressed the metal to my torso. I felt a slight sting and looked down to see a 2 inch cut going along my right hipbone. I didn't hesitate in making another above it, then another, then another until my entire stomach was covered in long bumps that were spilling blood.
The water was starting to turn cold, so I shut it off once I had washed the cuts.
I dried off and put new clothes on. My torso ached, but in the best way possible. I could think more clearly after that.
*
It went on like that for the next week. Get harassed, go home, cut.
It became routine.
I don't know what happened, but one day I snapped. I knew what I felt like doing, but I thought that maybe Quinn could knock some sense into me.
I went home and called her. It rang once, twice, three times and kept going until her answering machine came on. "Hi, you've reached Quinn. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I'll get back to you."
I was crying at that point. "Quinn," it came out as a sob so I cleared my throat. "You seriously need to change that answering message. You sound 10." I joked. "Call me back."
Then I tried Brittany with no luck. She smiled when the answering device came on. "Hey... Hello? Oh. I'm supposed to- okay. Hi, it's Brittany. I didn't answer my phone, either because Lord Tubbington is using it for his drug deals again or I left it at Santana's house. Okay. Bye." I smiled through my sobs.
"Hey, Britt. I just wanted to talk. Uh, call me." I hoped I didn't sound like I was crying.
Then, I surprised myself when I dialled Rachel's number. I wasn't shocked when she didn't answer, she was probably in some sort of lesson.
"Hello, this is Rachel Barbra Berry's answering machine. I'm terribly sorry I can't come to the phone. Please leave a message and I'll call you as soon as I can." Came Rachel's chipper, pre-recorded voice.
"Hey, Berry. I must really be going crazy if I decided to call you. I just-.. Needed to talk to someone. But anyway, talk to you later." I hated how defeated I sounded. How weak I sounded.
I wasn't upset that no one answered, I was never there for them, right?
I walked to the medicine cupboard in my parent's bedroom. I picked out the three most lethal pills, my dad was a doctor after all. I knew those kinds of things. I walked back into my bedroom and grabbed my notebook and started to write.
Dear, Quinn
You get the honour of being my first letter, since I know you're going to be the first to find me.
It's kind of sad, really, that I know you'll get here first because nobody else really cares.
But, that's not the point. I just wanted to say thank you. You may hate me at times, I may hate you at times, but we love each other regardless. I should've talked to you earlier about this, but everybody makes mistakes right? I have to do this. It's getting harder. Everybody hates me, hell, I even hate myself. I hate my body, my mind. I hate myself for doing this.
I hope you can forgive me. If you ever miss me, just watch The Lion King. That'll always be our movie, even if we haven't watched it together in years. Just.. I never told you but I watch it a lot... What? I still considered you my best friend. You know I'm not good with words so.. See you on the other side.
P.S: Promise me not to do anything I would do, it'll get you in shit. I love you, Quinn.
Sincerely, Santana.
I hated how shaky my, usually perfect, writing looked. I hated how there were tear stains and how my hand wouldn't stop quivering.
There was another letter for my family and one more for Brittany. They were shorter and more blunt. But, the difference between the one I wrote for Brittany and the one for my parents, was that there were emotions in Brittany's. Emotions in the tears that stained the paper, in the words I managed to write. I explained to her just how much I loved her. I folded them each separately and wrote their respective names on the outside, choosing to place them on my bedside table.
I took the pills out of the bottles and placed them in three separate piles. I stared at them for a few minutes.
I glanced at my phone and decided to try for Quinn once more.
I only got her answering machine.
"Sorry if I'm bothering you, Q." I didn't even try to hide the tears in my voice. "I just wanted to say that I.. That I love you, okay?"
I hung up and grabbed a bottle of vodka from my dads liquor cabinet before returning to my bed. Without thinking, I grabbed 5 pills from the first pile and downed them with a swig of alcohol, then from the next, and the next until they were all gone.
Nothing happened at first. So I started to think. This would be the last time I'd lay in my bed. The last time I spoke to Quinn was when we went to eat earlier that day as I continued to drink from the bottle.
"No way." I had said to her, my mouth had food in it but I was too shocked, and amused, to care.
"Seriously!" She said, sporting a grin that matched mine. "Rachel has Ludacris on her phone." She repeated. I remember how I couldn't hold back my snort.
"Hmm. I should really talk to Berry about her taste in music." I joked. I felt a pang in my chest, because I didn't end up talking to Rachel that day. The last time I talked to her was when I said that she needed a manicure, not one of my best insults.
"Yeah. Well, I'm gonna go home now, okay? Call me if you need something." She said.
"Okay. Bye. I- Quinn?" I said quietly, standing up and grabbing her forearm before she could leave.
"Yeah?" She asked.
"I-I love you." I engulfed her in a hug and I could practically hear the confusion on her face.
"I love you too." She laughed. when's she tried pulling away, i gripped tighter and sighed when she relaxed again. I needed it.
After a minute or two, I let go and apologized to her.
At least I said that I loved her for the last time.
But then, thinking about love, I remembered Brittany. My heart started to ache when I remembered her blue eyes, full of hope and pure joy.
The last thing I said to her wasn't I love you.
"What do you mean, you're not going to be with me?" I asked her after the commercial aired. My eyes were full of tears and my voice was hoarse from crying.
"I'm proud of you for being okay with being out, San. And I do love you. B-but. I can't just leave Artie." She said. I knew she meant it when she said she loved me, but anger was taking over and I was slowly losing control of my words.
"Who gives a fuck about Artie?" I snapped. "I thought you loved me, Brittany. I thought we'd do anything for each other. Clearly I'm the only one keeping up that end of the deal." I straightened my back and walked away without so much as a glance back.
I was glad that I told her I loved her in my note.
I could feel my thoughts getting slightly cloudy. And I was tired.. I was so tired. Sleep sounded really good. So I got under the covers and closed my eyes.
That was the last time I ever closed my eyes.
A/N: Wowowow. I'm sorry. I've been practicing writing things without happy endings and decided to post it.