"Hey, Evie," Henry's voice takes me away from packing after a long rehearsal. I find him walking towards me with barely a smile.
"Hey," I greeted him, pushing my hair back out of my face.
"Yeah, heard about you and Matteo." He said, helping me pack up the rest of my things. I furrowed my brows at his starter, wondering where his monotone curiosity came from. I disregarded it and thanked him for handing me my things.
"Yeah, it's great. It's just been a few days you know." I gushed, not intending to sound awkward but his rather aggressive approach already did that anyway. We walked out of the rehearsal room and my mind wandered.
I know he might not be the biggest fan and I still remember what he told me about the way he felt (despite me intentionally ignoring it). However, I feel like he could be more than happy as my friend that I found contentment with someone. At least I hope he does, yet the way he scowled at the mention of Matteo lets me know he's got some bad blood about it.
"Are...are you sure about him though?" He asked cautiously making me halt in my steps. Feeling like a needle had been driven through my skin I stare at him who stood before me with his hands in his pockets like what he said wasn't just some sleazy comment to make me doubt Matteo's intentions for what seems like his own selfish reasoning.
"I'm sorry," I said politely. "How'd you mean?"
"I mean you know it." He replies, gesturing to me with half a smile. "He isn't someone who would suddenly change overnight and become the guy you want him to be."
I have to laugh at his audacity and say, "that's a very firm judge of character don't you think?"
"Yeah, it is but— but you know what he's like. You loathed him and for a good reason. I mean hadn't he hurt you the first time? You can't tell me you just forgave him for that."
"Of course I haven't," I defended, feeling like I've just been attacked but I tried to be patient. "But there's a lot more than what just happened. We didn't even know what we were then. He made a mistake and I did the same. I didn't forgive him by I chose to move on because it's the right thing to do. I don't understand why you're suddenly interested in this." I frowned, beginning to walk away but he blocks me, standing there with a look of sympathy that I don't even believe in anymore.
"Look, look, Evie, I'm sorry ok? I care about you and I want to just make sure you know what you're doing," I shook my head at his attempt to redeeming himself. He tries to make a point but only ends up digging himself a deeper hole— now he's judging my decisions? I don't even have a word to say to him.
Here I was thinking that he was better than anyone else here just because he was peppy and musical like me. His charming ideology now just seemed to be a curtain to his bitter personality and I'm disappointed by it.
I cross my arms in frustration and betrayal.
"I don't know what you're trying to achieve here Henry. I don't know if it's because you're hurt or if it's because you're just too narrow-minded to understand the idea of second chances— this isn't the kind of concern you want to give people. This is called selfishness."
He clenched his jaw at my firm response and I didn't even flinch. It was the first time I've ever spoken my mind to someone and it felt like a good release. His intentions aren't clear to me but I know signs of meddling when I see one.
"Evie, I'm worried about you," he said, "when I met you, you were this girl who was nothing but headshot on her studies. You were terrified of your parents and for the right reasons—they will hurt you if they want. Do you think Matteo will be any different?"
"Of course he's different!" I finally snapped.
"How could you be so sure? How can you be so trusting so quickly?"
"Because unlike my parents Matteo loves me! I know it's childish and naive of me to think I can find the same kind of l9ve in someone else but this one is so much better. Henry, if you can't understand that then maybe you and I should just stay away from each other." I cried. Tears spilled from my eyes as the pain of losing someone close to me eases in.
His eyes widened the moment I mentioned it but this time, I didn't let that get to me. Before it does, I walk past him, wiping tears as I hugged my books tighter. Walking hastily out of the halls before I hear Henry follow, "he'll be the reason you'll hate yourself!"
I turn to see him standing still, anger etched in his face before he kicks the bin beside him. I winced and ran out of that place.
I know what I said and trusted them but hearing the warning from someone else made alarms ring in my head as loud as the real one.
Is there a chance that Matteo could change to be someone worse than the people in my nightmares? I'd hate to see it or even think of it but now I can't help myself. I can't help but think of so many things that Matteo could lie about just so he could get his way with me. It's a disgusting thought and I would be able to live without any of it. But damn it Henry now plagued my mind of doubts and suspicions that I did not ask for.
I get into my car and let the tears spill one last time. I'm sure Matteo won't be the one to take my tears lightly.
I sit quietly on one of the couches here at my dad's troubled home. I have my feet perched up on the coffee table while I ponder about the letter in my hand. The sole reason why I fucked Jocelyn and trashed the frat house. The fact that I haven't told or even beeped a thing about this to Evie is making me go mad yet still I know it's the best, for now. But once January hits then that will be it.
March it said, the deadline for my decision and I still have not one clue. I keep thinking that if I tell Evie then she'll end up just as shock as I did and lord knows what that might do to her. Besides, it's Christmas Eve tonight. She's already having trouble dealing with the fact that her parents shunt her away for the holidays. I wouldn't want to be the second reason she despised Christmas.
I folded the paper again, placed it back in the envelope, and pocketed it hoping I could tell Evie sooner. But I guess there's only one fair reason why I don't want to tell her— I just don't want to lose her when a barely have her.
Truth be told, she wouldn't just make a life-changing overnight because it's me. She can't. I can't just tell her that I'm leaving and possibly never coming back and expect her to say she's coming. It shouldn't be that easy even if I hope it was.
The sound of the door opening and closing snaps me out of my worrying thoughts and I turned around to see Evie carrying three bags with her guitar.
"Hey, babe," I greeted, rushing to plant a kiss on her forehead and help her lift the bags.
"Hey," she croaked. I frowned at her lack of enthusiasm.
"Something wrong?" I said.
"No, no, just tired. Plus worried about tonight." She chuckled, plopping down to the couch referring to the dinner she planned for tonight with friends.
"Why would you be nervous about that? All your favorite people will be there and food is prepared by the staff." I laughed at her overthinking, sitting next to her and she leans on my shoulder.
"I don't know," she sighed, "I guess I'm just on the edge because of the whole 'parents' thing."
"Try not to think about them ok?" I kissed her, "tonight is about you being free and not being shackled by them."
She giggles and says, "well, true, at least I'm not alone." She grabs my hand and kisses it.
I freeze at her hopeful words as my mind moved forward into next year, wondering if her words would still be true then. An unsettling feeling rushed up until I felt my heart in my throat. I clench my jaw and held off on snapping in anger. Perhaps I'm not just angry but scared. Scared that when the time comes when those words would change.
I can't help but see her all alone, angry, sad, and cold. Seeing her like a ragdoll thrown carelessly with a pile of books beneath her is a recipe for my nightmare. As someone who she considers a savior, I would fail my job just leaving her alone.
"Matteo?" She perks up, looking at me with her puppy eyes. Trying to read me, she shifts in her seat and I sighed as if about to lose my temper but I held off.
"Is everything ok?" She mocks my voice as if to try and make me feel any better.
I tuck a few strands of her hair behind her ear desperate to paint her in my mind. Perhaps that's another thing I can write in my report.
Sometimes, you don't get to choose your position in someone's life. Sacrifices you never thought you'd take will happen even if you dread it with passion. This...this woman before me is happy. I made that according to her. To be her first, first kiss, the first guy is an honor but am I doing justice when I'm leaving her behind to give her a cyclical ending? Happiness just doesn't work like that, doesn't it? You put a fire out then another appears. The question is, which one will stick around to burn down everything?
"Yeah, just thinking about how beautiful you are." I smiled at my cheesy self. She hits me playfully before getting up and walking up the stairs with her bags.
"I'm gonna go get changed, you should too."
• • •
So I did. In a blink of an eye, I was welcoming Danica and Cade to the house. It was only the two of them despite me inviting some of my mates. I was dreading the thought of seeing Henry here but he appeared nowhere.
Of course, like the temptress she is, Evie wore a tight-fitting red dress that she just bought a few days ago. I know because she dragged me with her. Each time she does this it gets harder and harder to contain my desires but I promised myself I wouldn't do that to her. That comes with me thinking that everything she does is just to tease me.
"Wow, so this is where you two disappeared to," Danica said as I took a sip of some beer, sitting around the kitchen counter. "You are like a married couple, I love it!" She gushed and my eyes widened while I choke on my drink.
Everyone turns to look at me with humor in their eyes as I coughed gracefully. I glare at Danica for her absurd statement but she just confidently sips on her drink. Evie and Cade were laughing and I was not happy about that.
"Would be nice if that wasn't a joke," I remarked intentionally, and oh how the tables turned.
Cade knocks a fork over and Evie almost fell off her chair and Danica choked on her drink. Instead of elaborating, I scoffed and got up to turn the tv on. I watched the Christmas tree put up by the staff glint at me like an inviting foe.
"Are we supposed to take that for something because I'm gonna spaz?" Cade questioned making me chuckle while I sat down on the couch.
"Take it as you will,"
"You've been together for barely even a month and your thinking about marrying her?" He reminded me and I felt a thump in my heart that I considered as something the steal had done.
"Again, take it as you will."
And just like that, the night slipped away in time. We spoke and teased all night like four normal friends and it was new to me. A few months ago I would've been drunk and talking shit to this person but now— now I like how I seem sober. I would steal glances with Evie now and then and I would watch her little nuances. Things like how her voice goes all high pitched when she smells a joke or the way she winks every time she says something smart. Most importantly, I loved watching her smiled as if she had completely forgotten about her parents.
Then, when the time came for presents to be opened, I didn't care about everyone else. Midnight hits and the final gift to be opened was mine to Evie. I got nervous now thinking she may not like it but I try to be patient as I waited for her to open it.
"This one is pretty big," Danica said, handing it to Evie after reading the label.
"Matteo please tell me you didn't get something expensive or anything—"
"Believe me, the fact that you wrote a song about me is priceless, nothing can beat that," I reassured her while waving the cd that contained her handwritten song.
She smiled as she cautiously ripped the plain paper off and I watched carefully as she went silent. Her tiny hands kissed the black frame as she lifted it. Her eyes widening and soon enough were brimmed with tears. My heart sank.
"Do you not like it?" I uttered and everyone turned to me. Even Dani had her mouth agape.
"Oh my God are you crazy? How can she hate that?" Cade turned to me almost yelling with his finger pointing at Evie who still seemed to be in shock.
"Evie?" I called and she finally blinks.
"You...you made this?" She spins the painting as if I hadn't already it and she laughs through tears.
"With every time I had, yes, I'm quite proud of it now but apparently you hate it," I pouted.
"What? Matteo, what? How can I hate it? You painted me and it's beautiful. You spent too much time on this." She cried, laughing in happiness. "I love it."
My heart jumped at her smile as she took out the final part of the gift. The small poem that she reads aloud with an ever-growing smile.
Take my happiness like the ocean take back the sand and be my home; forever and always.
When she looked up, our eyes met but this time I wasn't happy or sad or angry. Not anymore.
She's happy now and I'm about to take it away from her. I have to tell her.