Loneliness seems like such an easy thing to fix: find a friend, talk to someone- and perspective friends roamed the halls of Hogwarts each time Ramona passed through them. And yet that loneliness poisoned her so much, for even though her surroundings changed, Ramona stayed the same person she was when she walked into the castle for the first time.
Loneliness was etched into her bones for so long she was afraid of living without it, feeling as if her body would give out without it there. It was the one feeling she knew- lonely solitude and a twisted kind of peace that came with.
Ramona's first week included a lot of getting used to. Everyone who tried to talk to her soon caught onto the fact that she wasn't very talkative.
But she was fascinated by the castle. The great hallways and moving portraits seemed larger each time she passed through them. There was no book on Hogwarts that she could read that could have prepared for the grandiosity of the castle.
She felt the need to move almost without end; if her limbs were moving the anxiety was gone, or at least she could ignore it. Roaming the halls she could lose herself, much like in a dream. But once she'd settle down and have nothing to do but think, it would come coursing through her veins as if it hitched a ride on her blood cells.
Ramona tried her best to enjoy the time she was having. After all, she'd always preferred to go to Hogwarts over Durmstrang. She found herself missing her old school very little with each passing day. But along with it came the feeling that not much had changed from school to school, for she still felt isolated from her peers on matter the place she was.
This school came with the one person she'd thought of every day for the entirety of her life. One person who's memory she was completely wiped from and the only one who she wanted to trust with her life at this point.
Ramona saw Draco only a handful of times- but looking at him was hard. She knew him and yet he did not spare her a glance; a stranger who had once been the only friend she had. He couldn't know her, and it angered her. She wanted him to know what had happened to her. She wanted to restore his memories and thank him for what he had done for her when they were mere children.
Even then, he was cold. But now, he seemed almost completely emotionless. The same, statue-like expression of detachment was etched into his face and an almost habitual air of disinterest surrounded him at all times.
The more she thought about him the more she realized that he was not who she remembered him as. She was afraid he was broken beyond repair as she watched him walk out of the common room, no longer the little boy she remembered.
She believed she shouldn't have been surprised. If life had turned out differently, she would have been just like him. But the air of prejudice that lived deep within him was poisoning him from the beginning and she thought it irreparable. It broke her heart and awoke a deep, deep feeling of guilt for leaving him behind- even though she had no choice.
His family was connected to darkness just as she had once been and Ramona hoped he wasn't consumed by it yet- that there was still room for salvation.
But her thoughts were interrupted by a figure appearing next to her. She continued staring at the green flames of the fireplace, not really in the mood for speaking to him. What do you say after eleven years?
Blaise Zabini sat slowly beside her. At first, he said nothing. She knew Blaise was rather reserved, it was a trait they shared. But just being around someone who'd once known her made her feel nervous. They didn't know each other anymore.
He was taller. He looked different than she thought, but Blaise still resembled the little boy who was once like her brother. His hair was cut short and facial features sharp and defined- he looked very little like his mother and nothing like she imagined him.
"Ramona Xanthos," Blaise said, dragging her name out dramatically. "Suits you nice."
"Picked it out myself," Ramona whispered.
"I liked your old name better," Blaise said.
"I'm not sure anyone remembers that name anymore. It's been dead for eleven years."
A soft silence fell over them. Ramona saw her childhood as a tree- a tree that was torn from the ground with all of its roots and burned down along with her past self. But the one that held onto the ashes was Blaise. The only one who knew who she used to be was Blaise.
"You broke a guy's nose before you even got sorted. What a way to stay unnoticed, don't you think?" Blaise joked.
"Shut up. I wasn't about to let him get off with pinching my ass," Ramona said. "And besides, nobody knows who I am anyway. And I intend to keep it that way."
Blaise sighed deeply and ran a hand over his face; it was as if a tension had lifted yet he was left with melancholy instead of relief.
"You should have stayed at Durmstrang, Ramona. This was a bad idea," Blaise sighed.
"I had to do this and you know it."
"I was looking out for your brother, Ramona. I was checking on Romeo all the time, you should have stayed-"
"They are already suspecting I'm not dead, Blaise, I had to-"
"This is only making it worse," Blaise cut her off.
"They were at Durmstrang, Blaise. I had to get away from there as soon as possible."
Blaise was silent for a moment. For only a moment Ramona's face was stern, painfully so, which was transfigured when she smiled. Here was the same heart-shaped face, tapering to a pointed chin, the wide eyes and full lips much like his mother's, and her mother's. Blaise knew that the women in his family held exceptional beauty and it definitely hadn't skipped a generation.
The sight of her made him soft; the sight of her made him sad. His cousin, a girl that was once like his sister looked so serene on the outside that the deeply troubled look she held in her eyes was almost impossible to notice.
"I've seen your mother last summer, when she came to ask me to keep an eye out for Romeo," Blaise said. "It was the first time I'd seen her since your fathers funeral."
Ramona only nodded.
"I know she's my mother's twin, but I thought I'd be able to tell them apart at least. They're bloody identical," Blaise said with a smile.
"She keeps your picture in a locket, along with mine and Romeo's. I'm sure she'd want to see more of you if she could," Ramona said.
"Your mother was always more of a mother to me than my own," he whispered.
"I knew you'd look out for him Blaise, I just had to come as well. I couldn't stay far away while my mother was losing her mind over everything. If the Dark Lord finds that I haven't died-"
"That's why you should have stayed away, Ramona," Blaise interrupted her. "You look like the spitting image of your mother. In a few years, I don't think I'll be able to tell you apart from both our mothers. Don't you get it? You are your father's daughter, even if you don't want to be. If someone puts the pieces together and figures out who you actually are..." Blaise trailed off.
"I'll be fine, cousin," Ramona said, patting Blaise's shoulder. "I've burned all the pieces they could possibly put together."
"Be careful, Ramona. Please," Blaise begged.
"You know I will," she sighed. She gave his hand a small squeeze as she got up from the couch and left, tears almost forming in her eyes.
Ramona hadn't seen her cousin in so long, but the fact that he still cared for her made her heart warm. She didn't have many people in her life and feeling Blaise's concern made her feel a little less alone at Hogwarts.
She didn't have anyone in her life, other than her mother, who once caller her by a different name. Having Blaise back felt like a part of her heart was back in place.
She caught glimpse of her reflection in the window. The lake was dark, unnoticed creatures lurking deep inside of it and she could see herself better in its reflection as she approached it. And her figure moved with the lake, and for a moment she felt as if she was moving herself, and the closer she got to the window the more her features distorted. The eyes, the lips, the nose, the hair- all of it was her mother's, all of it was identical, all of it was dancing with the lake. She often hated how alike they looked, often wished she was nothing like her mother, often wished that the first comment people made wasn't one of such nature.
But unlike Blaise, she could tell their mothers apart, even though they were identical twins. It was simply in their eyes and in the way each woman carried herself- appearing as carbon copies of one another, the two were vastly different. Blaise's mum was colder. She was made of ice and stone. She was the woman Ramona wished she could be sometimes. But her mother- her mother was a raging river of sadness and fear that enveloped Ramona like a protective glove. She was the woman Ramona wished she would be less like most of the time. Their mothers were two different pearls wrapped inside identical shells, one soft and one of stone- but they were both fiercely protective of their children, a trait of family values passed onto them, the same one they passed onto their children.
Draco Malfoy observed their interaction from afar, just as he came back into the common room. He wasn't stupid. Blaise's face was etched with concern as soon as they started to talk and Draco had never seen him so deeply invested in a conversation. And as Malfoy sat down next to him, he gave one final glimpse at the girl he wasn't paying that much attention to anyway. She was staring out into the lake, even though there was nothing to look at.
She just looked blank. She looked statue-like. Angel-like.
Draco Malfoy wasn't stupid. He knew she was something to Blaise.
"What was that about?" he asked him.
"What?" Blaise said, not taking his eyes off the flames.
"That girl. Who is she to you?"
"No one," Blaise said.
"Didn't look like it," Draco said, observing him.
"She's nothing, Malfoy," Blaise said, turning to his friend. "Nothing but a filthy blood-traitor that I want far from me."
When he turned back around, Ramona was gone. Blaise knew what Draco meant to his cousin. But Draco had to stay away and Blaise was going to make sure of it.
He just hoped Ramona wanted the same thing.