Remus was delighted to see Harry play Quidditch on the following day. It was a bit of a bummer to force himself to wake up, get dressed, and go all the way to the Great Hall to interact with the other teachers before the match. But maybe some fun was all he needed to get his feet on the ground again.
Once the Quaffle was launched into the air, all the players started to fly frenetically. This was the classic of the classics, Gryffindor against Slytherin. Wasn't the first time Lupin had watched Harry play but in this particular match, it was undeniable he had inherited his father's abilities. To be fair, Remus didn't remember James being this good when he was just in the third year.
Minerva was visibly proud of Potter as well, always looking cheerful when her team made bolt moves in the air. They celebrated together in every successful goal until Harry finally caught the Golden Snitch. Remus would never admit to himself but he had never been a fan of the Malfoy's and he was secretly extra thrilled to see Harry defeat him in the match. Maybe Remus was too polite to say he didn't like a student since they were mostly children, but it didn't matter, seeing Gryffindor win never lost its charm.
Lupin was aware Snape possibly missed the match for being awake until late hours the previous night. Or maybe he just wasn't much into the mood today, not being too enthusiastic for sports himself. Still, it was unusual for him not attending to a Slytherin match.
After the game, Remus took a moment to talk to Harry, simply to congratulate him. The boy was all over the place about their victory and Lupin let him enjoy it with his friends.
On his way back to the castle, Remus went to Severus' office to see if he was already there but found no sign of him. When inside, to see if he was further in, maybe catching something in a bookshelf, he noticed one of the drawers wasn't well closed. So he gave it a little push and went away.
Remus waited for the fuss to be over and knocked on Severus' bedroom door. Also receiving no answer. Only this time, this set an every eerie feeling on the werewolf. He was almost sure there was a candle lid inside. Severus was probably there but why wouldn't he come to see him?
Lupin insisted for a while, concerned Snape could be unwell. He knocked, called his name, said he was concerned, asked for the smallest sign, but nothing. Snape was clearly inside, was he mad at him? Why? Everything was so well just the night before.
Remus suddenly realized this was some unnecessary drama to him, they both knew he was tired, if Severus was so upset about anything, he could simply say so and spare him the exhaustion. Remus finally ran out of patience and tried to open the door, receiving a loud locking spell instantly in return.
"Oh, why are you so rude?!" Lupin said outside the door getting mad at Snape
He took one step away from the door and after confirming Snape wouldn't come out, he left.
On his way to his office, Remus started to rewind their previous conversations in his head to figure what could have made him be so harsh all of a sudden. This was a particularly touchy task since the full moon had been in less than two days and Lupin was always insecure about exposing himself like that. Both physically and emotionally. Did he say something so off-putting to Severus? He couldn't remember.
And yet, with all his insecurities, Remus was getting upset about the way Snape could be so rude sometimes. He had such a bad temper for his own touchy topics. It was infuriating how he really thought everyone had to simply understand when he was mad and rude out of the blue but had no patience at all for anybody that couldn't elaborate their emotions well. Like he could do that all the time.
Lupin could ramble on about it on his angry mind for hours, but he froze in place when he entered his classroom and saw his office door slightly open.
"Oh, no..." He said feeling weak on his knees
He practically ran to his office, slamming the door open all at once.
When he saw the place, the whole situation was still lingering in the air.
All the newspapers Remus was reading on the previous days were there. All of them. Sirius's face was everywhere. Remus had forgotten to put them away before the full moon and hadn't been to his office since.
But worse, on the side of his desk, there was a broken ink container. The dark liquid ran through the sides and the thin shattered glass could be found all over the floor.
Lupin could feel his lips trembling. Severus. Remus had mentioned to him he was running out of ink. Snape replied he might still have an extra one. The Slytherin never said he'd bring it to him. But he did.
Remus would have the luxury of having a panic attack later, all he cared, for now, was to reach Severus and explain himself if possible. He didn't even know what he would say if given the chance.
While walking fast all his way back to the dungeons, Lupin felt horrible. His lover had always been slowly but steadily opening up more to him. This was so unfair.
When he finally reached that familiar wooden door he knocked more eagerly.
"Severus, please, please open the door! We need to talk" Remus cried outside
Severus could listen to Remus on the inside, he undid the muffling spell after he stopped crying and heard Lupin's first knocks not too long after that.
As he heard more knocks and Lupin asking for them to talk, he felt himself shrink to the corner of his bedroom. There was his horribly familiar sense of betrayal on the situation that wouldn't go away. The fear of something tragic happening right in the next moments was paralyzing and he sat silently in the corner, as far as he could from the entrance.
Severus wasn't a fool. He was suspicious of Lupin trying to help Sirius in the past. He expressed that concern to Dumbledore before the werewolf got to the castle. And now seeing all those files, all those newspapers, all those notes, what else could he conclude? All the times Lupin expressed he didn't need to be with him during the full moon. The fight they had about Legilimency. It was all too conspicuous. It all fits into what Severus feared the most.
"Severus, I know you are there, just... Let me explain" Lupin tried one last time
But nothing would make Snape come to pick up the door. Eventually, the Slytherin silenced the room from the inside again and, unable to suppress his anguish, allowed himself to cry.
He had no idea how long he sat there or when he started sobbing. His heart was just so shattered, so crushed. All around him seemed frightening and daunting, his own room was too imponent when he felt so insignificant embracing his knees on the floor.
In a particular wave of desolation, Severus knew he couldn't contain it all inside him. His magic was pouring like his tears, out of control, unapologetically. When a memory took over the back of his consciousness, the pain was so sharp it could be physical. Suddenly, all the glass he had in the room started to vibrate in a high frequency, and not only the glass of water he had by his bed. All his bottles, cups, flasks, vials, containers -even his mirror- seemed to synchronize with his anguish. And when he sighed in deeply to catch his breath, they all and broke at once, making the content spread violently in between the shelves. It was almost a miracle he wasn't hit by any of the glass shards.
In the following days, Snape wrote to Dumbledore he found himself unable to teach. Wouldn't come to eat at the Great Hall or be seen anywhere at all. Most students believed instantly when Dumbledore said he had to travel for an urgent matter and would return as soon as possible.
Lupin was having a hard time himself with the situation. Shifting between being irreparably sad and guilty, to boiling anger. After all they had been through, he didn't even care to listen to him? Was he so ready to leave they wouldn't even talk about it?
After a couple of days, late at night, Snape was wandering around the castle to catch some fresh air, get out of his own room for a change. He wanted to go to his classroom and attempt brewing a simple potion. Needless to say, he was very jumpy, afraid someone could find him after what Dumbledore said.
However, when his fear came true, he didn't panic. He felt anger. Potter. What on Earth was he doing out of bed at this hour? So very characteristic of him to be arrogant enough to go out in dangerous circumstances.
He approached the student and scolded him for being out so late pointing out how irresponsible he was being. The young Gryffindor had a suspicious parchment with him. Only making it worse when Snape tried to make it reveal its secrets, forcing Harry to read some insulting comments on Snape's nose out loud.
Couldn't be worse. Until it, indeed, got worse.
Lupin showed up in the corridor as well. He was also going for a walk, too much in mind to process. As incredible as it might sound, they were both successful so far in avoiding each other around the castle and the encounter was rather shocking at first.
"Well, well, taking a walk... on the moonlight, aren't we?" Snape hissed bitterly
Lupin was instantly upset but smiled sarcastically.
"So this is the first thing you have to say to me?" he thought to himself
They were still used to act as teachers in front of students so when Snape showed him the Marauders Map, Lupin somehow managed to conceal his excitement. He thought it was lost forever and this was his chance to take a look at it after all those years.
Remus collected the map and said he would take Harry back to the Gryffindor tower. Before sending Harry to his dorms, the teacher took him to his office and he expressed how displeased he was for having him wander around the castle with Sirius on the loose. That the Map could take Sirius directly to him and if he was strong enough to escape Azkaban, he certainly was strong enough to kill him.
Lupin's night couldn't be more twisted when Harry informed him that he had seen Peter Pettigrew in the Map.
"That is impossible," Remus said in disbelief, close to sounding crazy
"I'm just telling you what I saw" The young Potter replied in all his juvenile seriousness
Lupin sat quietly in his room after this encounter, being almost too afraid to open the Map and see the truth naked displayed in front of him. It was after some deep breaths that Remus fetched his wand and said the words, the words that brought his favorite memories back to him.
"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" The werewolf said filled with nostalgia
The Map started to take shape, all the little corridors, all the students and teachers starting to appear as the enchanted ink ran free across the parchment. This was a masterpiece. It had always been their finest work as the Marauders.
And being a Marauder only meant that Remus knew too well where his friends liked to stay at the castle, or better, where they could commonly hide.
"By Merlin, you are fucking alive!" Remus exclaimed in the dark
Petter Pettigrew! His name was there, as daunting as the truth it could mean. He had never been brilliant but that little bastard knew where and how to hide. Right now, he was walking around the castle using the sculpted stones of the structure as a guideline close to the ceiling. His rat form was sneaky enough to prevent him from falling when he was a student and he was certainly doing the same.
This could mean too much all at once. If Petter was alive, Sirius hadn't killed him. That was a great start. However, why would Peter hide in rat form for all these years? To hide, of course. The great question is, from whom? And why? And most importantly, Remus had also been concerned about his own safety since he was from James and Lily's inner circle. Their death was a tragedy and it made everyone worried the same could happen in their families. But they all had each other, Dumbledore took Harry in his very arms and Miverna observed the Dursleys for a week, they all vouched to stay united.
The years passed and Harry became a legend, the boy who lived and destitute Voldemort from his powers. So if he who-must-not-be-named was gone, it was safe to live your life if you weren't guilty. Sirius was arrested because he was accused of betraying James and Lily, it was the example the Ministry of Magic wanted to set for all Voldemort's associates. That they would all be arrested for life. So... Since all his legion was hiding, it was more than conspicuous of why Petter was also concealing the fact he was still alive. Not only living away with another name but as a rat. He lived as a rat for 12 years. And now, that hiding was so crucial to his "survival", with Sirius on the run and rumors about Voldemort's return spreading, he was conveniently close to Harry again? Always with the boy on his watch so he could do what? Protect him? Most certainly not.
Snape hardly recognized himself waking up around noon the next day. Since the encounter of the previous night kept him from trying to brew a potion, he went straight to his classroom and tried to get this out of his head. Arriving there, he flipped the pages of a textbook he used with the fourth year students and found the potion for curing hiccups. Simple enough, given he had created insanely intricate crystals on that same year, right?
Snape chopped the ingredients he needed and left them aside. It was all ready for him to use the emulsifiers. He tried to remain calm and opened the cabin to reach for a beautiful blue bottle. He ignored the little resonance that was coming from him, it made the glass from the cabin's door shake a bit. He thought it could go well once he felt the cold glass on his fingers, but as soon as he held it in the air, the glass vibrated eagerly for a second and broke.
Had he been in his room, he'd have probably cried in frustration. Snape quickly cast a spell and transferred the content to another container made of metal. Snape gave himself a second and decided to try once again, with another glass in the corner of the shelf. He would need that one too. The wizard used all this focus to blank his mid of the heaviness he held on his chest.
He was able to hold it maybe for a second longer, but the glass also gave in. It could have been just another attempt, but this vessel had particularly thin walls and ended up leaving a bloody cut on Snape's finger. He left the classroom to attend to his injury, feeling frustrated, and unbelievably juvenile for not being able to control his emotions.
While in his room again, making sure there were no tiny fragments of glass on him, he heard a familiar knock on his door. Wasn't Lupin, it was another teacher. He applied pressure on the side of his finger and went for it with a little cloth over it.
"Professor McGonagall" he greeted as respectfully as he always would do
"Professor Snape" she replied with a somewhat tender way
She would have gladly greeted him with a "Severus, dear" but she liked to remember that the young Slytherin she saw around the castle so many years ago had become their finest potions master.
Snape accompanied her to her own office while they rambled about trivialities, always applying pressure on his finger. When she was about to open the door, she turned to look at him in his tired dark eyes.
"Dumbledore informed me you are taking a few days from your activities, but I have an important matter for you to attend to," she said unlocking the door with her wand
"And what would that be?" Snape asked politely, entering the place
There were a couple of things on her desk, some containers with herbs painted on them, and a pair of her favorite cups waiting to be used.
"Having tea with me, of course" she said giving him a tap on the shoulder but also sounding dead serious about the fact he didn't have a choice
Snape always admired Minerva for getting what she wants from people. It was very much like her to almost dare him to refuse the invitation.
"Sure" Snape replied with a shy smile in the corner of his mouth. What a weird feeling to smile, he seemed to have forgotten how it's done in the past days.
McGonagall received him in the most friendly way Snape's demeanor would allow. She was tough because her job required her to impose herself but she was also fun when her students weren't looking.
She started bragging how Gryffindor had won the match and that it was a good thing he didn't go to see their defeat. She noticed Snape was talking to her normally but always avoiding her eyes, which was unusual between them.
"Let me take a look," she said offering her hand to receive Snape's injured one
"It's nothing to be concerned about" he replied as a reflex
"There was blood on your doorknob, Severus. Let me help, just this time" she said sounding like a concerned mother
He looked at her this time and Minerva could finally see how shaken he was. Those words held a lot of meaning to him when they both knew something had happened.
Severus held a close relationship with Minerva since his school years. She was a teacher that was always keeping an eye on him although he was a Slytherin. The Marauders never did anything bad to him when she was around and she cared to linger in the corridor until Severus was on his safe way to the Slytherin dorms while her students went the opposite way.
Snape felt weirdly exposed when Minerva took the cloth away and saw his blood around the cut. With a couple of nonverbal spells, it stopped bleeding and aching. She held the back of his hand in a motherly way after taking care of it.
"Now you can tell me what is happening to you. You two can be dramatic at times, but Dumbledore and I can tell something else is going on"
Snape swallowed dryly. Could he really be so sure of his suspicion on Lupin helping Sirius Black that he would tell this to Minerva and Dumbledore? He expressed his concern previously to Lupin's arrival but now it would be a far more well-grounded statement. Also, telling anybody he was heartbroken was too much for his reserved being.
"Oh one topic at the time, please," She said sitting across the table once more while Snape was silent. "Severus, I've seen you endure so many things throughout the years but you never skipped one class or one day at work. This is most unusual" she added in a more severe manner
"I will be back on Monday, nothing I haven't arranged with the headmaster" He informed her
"Very well, Severus, and what will you do to teach if you keep exploding all the containers in the room? I charmed my mugs, you see" she said revealing some of her Gryffindor boldness
He sighed deeply. This time feeling vulnerable and frustrated.
"I... Don't know... But they... break or crack now. They don't explode anymore" Severus said in a low tone
They fell silent for a while. Minerva could almost hear the internal conflict coming from him.
Snape looked back at her, his eye glistening but no actual sign of tears.
"I had my doubts about to whom Remus was loyal to, as you know" Snape started, feeling a traitor himself. "And as we grew closer I... Decided to trust him. But I noticed some conspicuous behavior and found out he has been keeping a record of everything he can find about Sirius Black" he said carefully
"This is a very -"
"Serious accusation, yes" Snape interrupted her. "However, the circumstan-"
"What kind of behavior are we talking about here, Severus?" She interrupted him this time
"He'd always ask me to be alone during the full moon. Even with the potions. If he can keep his consciousness during the transformation, he could be trying to go out there help Black"
Minerva sipped her tea and thought for a moment. Snape was a serious man. He was very hurt but he wouldn't be saying this without a good reason.
"I see... Have you confronted him about this? What did he say in his defense?" She inquired
Severus felt as if he had been stabbed right on an open wound. Now he realized he had let his personal life cloud his judgment in a very dangerous topic.
"I... Haven't talked to him after I found the newspapers and files" Snape said in a blunt way
"And when was that?" Minerva asked raising from her chair again
"A week ago," Snape said looking at the witch standing by his side
He got up instinctively, expecting to be taken to Dumbledore to take Veritaserum and swear over the Slytherin house that his allegations came from a reliable source. Instead, he felt his chin tremble when Minerva approached him in a very respectful embrace.
To her own surprise, Severus hugged her back. His breathing was even, he wasn't crying. But the way he held her in return was so expressive.
Minerva had her very own hugging technique. She would always let the other person decide how long the embrace would last. And Severus took his time.
"I'm sorry this is happening to you. Dumbledore and I will talk. Remus also has a side of the story that is only fair to let him share. We'll keep you informed" Minerva eventually whispered to him. "This must have been hard for you, thank you for telling the truth, Severus"
Snape interrupted their embrace and gave her a nod as an answer.
"I have always trusted you to become a great wizard. You are just adjusting to some strong emotions you are not used to handling. I'm sure by Monday you will teach as you always did"
"I hope so," he said in a lament
"You focused your potion making on him for so long, it's natural to be upset when you have to get back at it. Make one potion for me, then. Not for now, when you have the time" she said in an encouraging way
Snape's black eyes had a bit of light in their depth for the first time during their tea session. Minerva was right, he only had to redirect his intentions on his next try.
"What kind of potion could be of use for you?" He asked
"How about that one for the vocal cords? It has become quite popular among the teachers, you see" She said hopeful
Severus wasn't aware of that. But now he'd certainly remember his creations were everywhere in the castle.
On the following week, Severus started to attend the Great Hall again, sitting in his usual place with his usual indecipherable mask that revealed nothing but his general annoyance.
It was most uncomfortable to have Remus by his very side giving the fact they hadn't exchanged a proper word for a while. Remus seemed very upset, not willing to start the conversation as he normally would. They ended up agreeing on not eating at the same time. Not that they spoke about it, it simply happened. Remus claimed the earlier hours with his presence there and Snape just started to eat a little later.
Minerva and Dumbledore observed their behavior with the corner of their eyes. Snape was grumpier, edgier, and way less patient with everybody these last days. But at least he was outside his bedroom and seemed to be getting better sleep at night.
Remus continued to express sadness about the matter when he believed no one was looking. He genuinely believed he had screwed up but this entire situation and distrust in him were way out of proportion. Is like Snape never trusted him in the first place. Were Snape's feelings so shallow he could simply blow them away in a fight they barely had? This could also cost him his job. Once again, Severus Snape was way too ready to turn against him without a second thought.
Apparently, the week had been difficult for everyone. Professor McGonagall was about to walk her way to Dumbledore's office as a cat when she reminded herself she needed to talk to a six-year about her desire to apply for a position at the Mungo's Hospital. Rather interesting choice, however as a teacher, she should let her know the job was demanding before sending her recommendation letter.
When Minerva went to her office to fetch her student's report cards to have a word with her about what she should focus her studies on the seventh year, she was delighted to find two glass containers waiting for her there on her desk, among side with a note.
Minerva,
Thank you for the tea last week, it was of great help.
I prepared you the potion we talked about and also a sample of an experiment for you. You can always make suggestions about the components.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed being able to brew them.
Kind regards,
Severus
"Well, well, they grow up so fast," She said to herself out loud
She opened the cork and made a mental note to thank Severus later, he surely guessed her new favorite blend of catnip.