Michael’s arms had wrapped around mine as we stood outside of the hospital room. His forehead pressed against my hair, his breath easing mine. The steady in and out had calmed me, making me believe that for the moment everything was alright.
Emma and Callie had been in the room. Ashton had been in there. Luke and Calum had been in the waiting room downstairs. As soon as I saw her… It wasn’t something I could handle. Michael had followed me out as soon as my breathing had hitched.
Three weeks early. That little baby girl had been delivered three weeks early and was clinging to life with the tiniest grasp. Sophie was out of it on all the medication that they had given her. She could barely open her eyes. Ashton had been standing over the tiny incubator, watching his little girl breathe, in and out and in and out. He wanted to watch to make sure it wasn’t going to stop.
Now he held her at all times, barely putting her down. The only time I didn’t see Ashton carrying around that little girl was when she was in her mother’s arms. She was born on December 22 and she had just come home for the first time two days ago.
Ashton slept by her side. He held her into his chest and pressed kisses on top of her head as she breathed. He promised to let Sophie get a good few nights rest after going through labor. She would sleep next to the two of them in bed, the baby crammed between her and Ash.
Jessica Amelia Irwin was her legal name. Sophie hadn’t argued over the last name, knowing that eventually her and Ashton would be getting married. She didn’t have a doubt in her mind that her family wouldn’t be together until the end.
I looked over at the gleam in her eyes as watched Ashton dance around the room with the baby in his arms. She already had the motherly adoration placed across her cheeks as she stared at them. Her hands were folded across her lap as if she hadn’t known what to do with them.
Ashton hummed as he rocked little Jess in his arms, swaying her back and forth to the beat of a lullabye I was sure he was going to write. She had been passed to and from Emma and Callie, the rest of us eagerly awaiting our turn to coo at the baby. She could barely open her eyes, but when she did you saw the dark gleam of her mother's blue beauties.
“Luke,” Emma hummed, glancing up at him with the same love she put into the baby, “Do you want to hold her?”
Luke was at Emma’s side, shifting his weight back and forth. “I, uhm, I don’t know.”
“Here,”Ashton stepped forward, reluctantly releasing his little girl into Luke’s arms. I don’t know how he was going to do it when she got older, she was already wrapped around his finger.
Luke adjusted the child in his arms, holding her as one would a football. Ashton shook his head, positioning Luke’s hands to hold Jessica’s head up. “There,”
Luke gasped quietly, smiling widely as she yawned at him. “I’m afraid I’m gonna drop her.” Luke chuckled. Ashton shifted his weight uneasily as the rest of us laughed. “Hi Jess, I’m your Uncle Luke.” He glanced up at Emma momentarily and I swear I could see tears forming in his eyes. “She’s so tiny.”
Ashton took her back after a few minutes, releasing Luke’s grasp to only attach onto Emma’s hand. They had been going out for about a month or so now, things moving pretty quickly for what any of us had expected. Callie had given her blessing after her and Luke decided things would be better if they remained friends.
Emma and Luke barely left each other’s side. There was always a sense of comfort about them though. They knew they could live without the other, but when they were together, it just seemed so normal. It was as if they were never apart in the first place.
When the tour ended they immediately moved into a place together. With Michael and I staying together and Ash and Soph and now Jessica, that left Callie without a roommate. Luckily, Calum had been kind enough to offer her the space in his apartment, leaving us all with company. Calum wasn’t Harry Styles, but Callie had easily found a way to be comfortable with Calum over the past few months.
Michael’s hand rested on my shoulder, begging me to look up at him as he hovered over me. He glanced down, sending me a cheeky wink before easing down to whisper in my ear. “I can’t wait until that’s us.”
I looked back over at Ashton and Sophie, the baby now in Sophie’s arms. She had allowed Ashton to sit, but had proceeded to sit in his lap. The three of them made a beautiful family.
Michael and I had been speaking more and more of having a child. We knew it wouldn’t happen until we were married, but we were both so eager for a bright new face running around the house. We were eager to start a family together.
I had been planning on heading to the doctors again soon, checking to see if there were any precautions I should be taking before Michael and I prepared to have a baby. I knew that there was a possibility of a disorder or disease no matter how many precautions I took, but it wouldn’t hurt to check over them again. I wanted to be the best mother I could.
***
“How was the doctors?” Michael questioned, peeking up from over his controller.
I sigh, shivering at the thought of the cold metal on me again. “Uncomfortable. They poked me and prodded me and it was so uncomfortable.” I groaned, flinging myself onto the couch next to Mikey.
I layed my head in his lap, gazing up at him as he paused the game. “No news? Nothing out of the ordinary?”
He poked at my stomach lightly as if there was a mutant baby growing inside of me and preparing to pop out. “Nothing yet,” I grabbed his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. “They are going to call me later when they get the results from the tests.”
Michael hums, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Everything is gonna be alright.”
“I know,” I sigh. “The thing that makes me nervous is having a kid and having it be as horrible as you.” I poke his nose, smiling at him.
“Aw, I love you too.” Michael chuckles, leaning forward to kiss me.
An alarm goes off, startling me. Michael pulls his phone out of his pocket, pressing a button before showing me the screen. “Look Anna, it’s 2017.”
I scoff, laughing at him. “So you set an alarm?”
“It’s a momentous moment!” He grins. “Now come here, I want my New Years kiss.”
I smile. “I’m glad to see the new year hasn’t changed you.”
Michael shakes his head, leaning in to kiss me again. “You’re such an idiot.”
***
There are some days when you wake up and you know you are too happy. The sun is too bright and your smile is too wide. It’s as if you are building yourself up to be demolished.
Michael breathed quietly next to me, his mouth hanging open. I brushed my fingers across his naked chest, pushing him slightly. He continued to breathe in the same steady pattern, leaving me to chuckle in my half-dreaming state. I stretch out, careful not to hit Mikey this time.
My feet swing over the side of the bed, carrying me over. I press the balls of my feet into the floor, elongating my stance as I stretched again, letting out a wide yawn. I rubbed at my eyes, pushing my hair out of my face and taking careful steps around the carpet.
I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and threw on one of Michael’s sweaters. I leaned back over to place a kiss on Mikey’s forehead before proceeding to the bathroom. I quickly brushed my teeth and threw my hair up into a ponytail. I fixed my glasses at the bridge of my nose and deemed myself slightly acceptable as I strutted down the hall into the kitchen.
I set a cup of water in the microwave, allowing it to heat up as I pulled a packet of hot chocolate out of the cabinet. The phone began to ring, jolting me from my daydream as I stood in the middle of the kitchen. I grabbed it quickly, hoping the noise didn’t wake Mikey.
“Hello?” I whispered, setting the hot chocolate packet on the counter.
“Hi, this is Debbie from Dr. Anderson’s office, we were wondering if you could come back in later for a follow up? The doctor had some news he wanted to share with you.” She seemed bored, reciting the information as if it might not be life changing to me.
“What do you mean? I was just in there yesterday-”
“I know, he said it was quite urgent. There won’t be another charge, it should only be about ten minutes. We have an opening today in about an hour, could you come by then?”
“Sure-”
“Alright, hon, I’ll see you then. Buh-bye.” She ended the call before I could ask any follow-up questions.
I set the phone down on the counter after ending the call finally. The microwave shook me from my thoughts, indicating my hot chocolate was nearly ready. I took the mug out, closing the door and ripping open the packet of cocoa. I started to mix it in as I heard footsteps down the hall.
“Michael?” I inquired, mixing my hot chocolate with a spoon. “I’m in the kitchen.”
He rounded the corner, rubbing his head. He placed a kiss to my head before going to sit at the table, resting his face in his hands. “Who was that?”
“It was the doctors office,” I yawned again. “They want me to come in later.”
He looked up at me, breathing heavily as he yawned and then sighed. “You were just there yesterday…”
“I know.” I glance down at my cup, sipping at it before setting the spoon down in the sink. “Would you mind coming with me? I’m not sure I want to be in there alone… with whatever this is.”
He nods. “Should I go get dressed?”
I nod in return. “I’ll make us some breakfast.”
After Michael and I had both gotten ready we ate some of the pancakes I had made. We followed them down with a bit of toast that we were still eating as we walked out the door. Michael offered to drive, seeing as I hadn’t gotten a car since my return to Sydney. The ride was long and anxious, seeming to leave plenty of empty words as we tried to take each other’s mind off of what was waiting for us.
The worst popped into mind along the ride. I could be dying of some disease. I could have three weeks to live. My brain could be slowly deteriorating to leave me with no memory of who I was.
In any case, both Michael and I seemed to keep our thoughts to ourselves, only exchanging light conversation. When we arrived, we stayed in the car for a minute, just breathing in the last of the air of the ignorant. I opened my door first, willing to get this over with.
The office was as cold as I felt. The sound of our shoes squeaking against the floor echoed down the halls. My heart was beating heavily, concaving into my muscles and wrapping them around like a chord left out that needed to be put away.
We held hands as we sat side by side. A woman in the corner coughed every once in a while over her magazine. Maybe I was having lung failure…
“Anna?” A nurse called as she opened the door, smiling as she led Michael and I back into the office.
We followed her down the hall and into the office of my doctor. It was different from the normal exam rooms. It was painted a light grey, not as ridiculously illuminating as the white wash of the other rooms. There were couches and a desk at which my doctor sat. This was where he delivered the death notices. He looked over at the patients from the potted plant on his desk and told them they were going to die.
My doctor sat, a smile etched on his face, the strain evident. The pity was deeply set in his eyes as well. “Anna, come in, sit down.”
Michael kept his hand in mine as we sat next to each other on one of the couches. When the doctor gave him a quizzical look, I responded, “Whatever you have to tell me you can say in front of him.”
Dr. Anderson nodded, the smile falling from his lips as he got to business. “Anna, we went over all the tests and everything yesterday and everything seems to be wonderful… there was just one thing, and I know you had mentioned it while you were in here-” He sighed, leaning forward so his elbows rested on the desk and his hands interlocked. “Anna, there is no easy way to say this, and I’m sorry to have to be the one to deliver the news…” He was sorry that there was no one else to have to relieve him of the guilt. “-but of everything... the only thing we found was that you were infertile. You won’t be able to conceive. I’m sorry.”