I sat there for a long time, my knees tucked up, shoulders parallel to Jade's. She'd gently laid her head on me, her hair burrowed into my neck. I had a strong urge to cry.
It reminded me too much of her childhood.
I could feel Leigh-Anne and Perrie watching us, but pretending they weren't. Jade still smelled like alcohol, and I knew she'd have a killer hangover.
I felt her head increase it's weight a bit, and realised that Jade had fallen asleep. I smiled softly and kissed the top of her head, her blue locks soft and freshly dyed.
I shifted my body so I was able to pick her up, my hands sliding under her knees, carrying her bridal style. I deposited her into her room. She stayed asleep. I tiptoed back out to the living room. "Er, if one of ya wants t' change her clothes or somethin'," I said, "now would be a good time."
"I'll go," Perrie said.
I sat next to Leigh-Anne and put my head in my hands. It felt good for Jade to want me again, to need me, but I wondered how long it would last. She was drunk, but when she was sober? Then what?
"So...Jade has a boyfriend?" I asked nonchalantly.
Leigh-Anne smirked. "Yeah. Sam Craske. He's a dancer from the group Diversity."
I wrinkled my nose. I didn't like him. "Ugh."
"Oh, Niall. Come on. He's not bad," she said. "He's good to Jade."
"Yeah, duh, 'cos if he isn't, I'll go beat the crap out of him," I muttered.
"What, jealous?"
"No way," I said. "Jade's just a friend."
"Yeah, about your friendship, how'd you two meet?" Leigh-Anne got up and went over to put the kettle on.
"I moved to South Shields for a bit. Then I moved back to Ireland," I said, sticking with the same story I'd told the boys.
"How d'you know so much about her?" she asked.
"Um...I don't know," I said honestly. It was a miracle I remembered half the stuff of learned.
"Tea?"
"Sure."
"She's still sleeping," Perrie told us as she returned. "I bet she'll be sleeping a while."
"Was it bad? You know, her teenage years?" Leigh-Anne asked hesitantly.
"Yeah. Yeah, it was," I said. I rubbed the side of my head as she set a cup of hot water in front of me, plopping a tea bag into it. "She was really unhappy. Really really unhappy."
"Well, to be honest, it looks like she's still unhappy," Leigh-Anne said quietly. She set a dish in front of me, and I fished the tea bag out and into the bowl. I stirred in a bit of sugar and cream.
"She's got a good relationship with her mum now, though. What changed?" Perrie asked. She put out a plate of biscuits and cookies.
"Her mum was able to quit her jobs, spent more time at home with Jade, ya know. I guess Jade realised how much her mum cared, and her mum realised how much Jade cared," I said. I shrugged a bit. "She's spent the last years fixing everything with Karl as well."
"What changed there?"
"Leoni and Karl," I said. "Jade always wanted to be an aunt. Said it was better than bein' a mum 'cos she could be the one to give them all sweets and take them to the shops and let Karl be the one to tell them off."
"Sounds like Jade," Leigh-Anne said with a laugh.
"I do wish Jade had told us all this before," Perrie said.
"Well, you see how it is. One thing reminds her and then comes the drinking which surfaces more memories which means more drinking," I said. "I don't blame her."
There was s long silence in which all three of us were lost in thought of different things. It was broken by the muffled sound of crying and screaming. I jumped up and sprinted to Jade's room, catching her in a nightmare.
I climbed into bed with her and gently shook her. "Jade...Jade wake up."
Her eyes snapped open. Her breathing started regulating as I hugged her, playing with her hair. I started singing softly.
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse...if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth...and I will try to fix you."
"Niall?" she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Don't thank me."
There was a long silence, our energy buzzing around the dark room. Then, she hesitantly asked, "Will you stay?"
"Of course."
A text awoke me the next morning. I blinked my eyes open, the sun blocked my Jade's pull down blinds.
I checked my phone.
New message!
From: Louis Tom
hey where are you?
we really gotta go man
recording today???
Message to: Louis Tom
oh shit sorry
yeah , be in the studio
in 20 tell everyone
I'm hurrying !
I gently disengaged myself from Jade, and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. Knowing her, she wouldn't ever let me do this sober or awake.
I tiptoed to her bathroom and pulled a couple of tablets from the cabinet for her headache. Filling a glass of water, I scribbled a quick note onto a paper slip and left all three items on the table near her bed.
I looked at her sleeping face, so young, so gentle, so unlike the broken girl I knew.
Then I pulled my shoes on and scrambled out of the flat and into my car, navigating myself to the recording studio.
I ran in, tugging my jacket on as I went. I pushed my way into the room and shaking off a disapproving glare from one of our producers.
I stepped into the booth and pulled on my headphones can switching on the mic. "What're we recording today, boys?" I asked them.
"Amnesia."
Holy shit. I was so not prepared for that. Not after seeing Jade last night. I nodded "Cool." Not. Fucking. Cool.
I listened to the guitar picking I'd recorded a couple weeks earlier, and waited. The process for our songs were we all recorded the entire song. And based off how well each voice suited the solos, we used that certain track.
I started singing, keeping my breathing as level as I could as the memories that had been filled with me when I'd written the song.
"I drove by all the places you used to hang out getting wasted. I thought about your last words how I saw the way you faced it. And even though your friends told me you were just fine."
I did visit. Not Jade, but South Shields. I took my car around all the houses and little secret cavities where she drank with her friends. And deep in all that, I still saw her broken face, even as a ten-year-old. I knew it was my fault.
"Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you? When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?"
I knew she had a boyfriend. That prick Sam Craske. To be fair, I figured he was okay. I just automatically hated him because he was Jade's boyfriend. God, I feel like a mix between her protective older brother and the guy who's had a crush on her for years. It's a revolting mix I don't like to think about.
"Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cos I'm not fine at all."
Here's where I was wrong. I assumed she'd moved on. But her actions had shown that she hadn't. And for some sick, twisted reason, that made me happy. I needed her to need me. And that was that.
"I remember the day you told me you were leaving. And I remember the tears running down your face. And the dreams I left behind, you still need them. Like every single wish we ever made."
She'd spent hours and hours telling me a million different ways she'd achieve her dream. When I left, she'd given up for a long time. If left her behind, so she left her life goal behind. There's nothing that I regret more than being responsible for that, and hell, I have a whole lot of shit that revolves around Jade that I know, deep down inside that I'm responsible for.
"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia. And forget about the stupid little things. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you. And the memories I never can escape. 'Cos I'm not fine at all."
I do. Sometimes I do wish I had never been Jade's guardian angel. How is that even possible? For a fake person to care about a real one so deeply? I know that she was right; I wasn't real. And yet we were the closest any friends could be.
"The pictures your friends sent me, they're still living in my phone. I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone. And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around. It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you moved on. It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long."
It had been years since our encounter with me running into Jade on her night of winning the X-Factor, and it had been a long time since she was convinced on ignoring me. We sort of became...friends? Not really. But still, Perrie and Leigh-Anne gave me updates and things. And I guess I thought she looked happy, happy with Sam and with the girls. But not with me.
"If today you woke up with me right beside you. Like all of this was just some twisted dream. I'd hold you closer than I ever did before. And you'd never slip away. And you'd never hear me say..."
But I did. I woke up next to her again. So what now?
I finished singing the chorus again, and sat in the booth for a long time, my head in my hands. Then I stepped out.
"Damn, Niall," one of the producers said. "We would rather just have you sing the whole song, but since we can't so that, take your pick of a second solo, we already plan on you doing the bridge and leading the chorus. Every solo fits you amazingly well."
"So who gets the solos?" I asked, confused.
"Liam and Harry will take whatever solos you don't want, and Zayn will get the last bit at the end," they explained.
"What about Louis?" I hated that they did this. Normally, I'd be jumping at the opportunity for multiple solos...but not if it left Louis out.
"Sorry. This song doesn't really fit him," they said nervously.
"No way. Are you insane? This is the exact kind of song Louis shines in. I'm not singing if he isn't," I said firmly.
They sighed. "Fine. He can have a solo."
"A big one."
"A big one," they repeated.
I smiled. "Sorted."
"Yeah, great, can we run the bridge one more time?" they requested.
And just like always, my thoughts were turned back to Jade. I couldn't escape her, literally.
_______
Yo, I have a new fanfic including all of Little Mix and One Direction. It's called Agents and yeah you should add it, the first chapter will be up soon:)