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"Don't ever be afraid to show off your true colors."
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Episode 11
Why will you be afraid of showing what you really are?
"I'm. . . bisexual, Tanniah."
I am still shocked by Jeremiah's sudden confession that I can't believe it. I mean, we're not that close and I just always see him around the campus, flirting with a lot of girls. How come that he's. . .
"Oh? Okay..." I just said after a while.
Siguro kung ibang tao ay ayos lang talaga sa kanila na sabihin na may different gender ang kausap nila. It's the 21st century anyways. But for me. . . It's. . . different.
I'm not a hundred percent supporter of LGBTQ+ community and I have no knowledge in it because I'm too focused on myself and my parent's expectations that I didn't know that problems like these even exist!
Wala akong kaalam-alam sa paligid ko at ayo'ko rin naman na makihalubilo sa mga pa-woke na tao. I just. . . actually don't know. Which side should I support? Hindi ba pwedeng walang pinapanigan at basta'y hindi ako nakakapanakit ng damdamin ng isang tao?
I think that's the best. To respect them with their decisions in life and as a human, not based on their gender. Respect doesn't mean that you'll support them. As long as you will not cross the line and you will be mindful of your words, I think that's alright.
Ayos nga lang ba. . . talaga?
"Kung. . . uhm. . . bisexual ka, why do you look too. . . manly?" I covered my mouth with my hand because of what I've just said. Get your shit, together! I saw him giggle manly. I can't believe it!
"I just said that I'm bisexual. Meaning that I can slay in both genders. I can like and love both genders. Ikaw pa lang ang. . . unang napagsasabihan ko nito. . ." he shyly said. Napabagsak na lang ang bibig ko sa gulat.
"B-bakit ako lang?"
"I'm afraid that they'll judge me for what I am. I'm afraid to be criticized by a lot of people. Baka sabihin ng mga tropa kong lalaki na chi-na-chancing-an ko na pala sila dati dahil bisexual ako. . . And. . ." he paused before lowering his head.
"Hindi naman ako tanggap ng pamilya ko."
Napatahimik kaming dalawa dahil sa sinabi niya. How cruel it is to not be accepted by his own family. Kahit ako. . . Alam ko ring hindi matatanggap ng pamilya ko kung sasabihin ko na gusto kong maging musikero. I know that they'll disown me for pursuing the wrong path.
"I'm sorry to hear that. . ." That's the only thing that I could say. I don't know about these things. The only thing I could do is to listen.
"No, don't be. Sana lang ay hindi mo agad ako hinusgahan agad pagkasabi ko sa'yo no'n." He gave me a small smile and I looked away, feeling guilty.
Yes, I've judged him quickly. Gano'n na lang ako lagi. Lagi ko na lang hinuhusgahan muna ang mga tao bago sila pakinggan. I'm a selfish and self-centered bitch dahil hindi ako natututo. I always judge people.
"I-i'm really. . . uhm. . . sorry. I don't actually know what to say . . . uhm. . . but if. . ." I sighed heavily. Talaga bang sasabihin ko 'to?
"If you need a friend to talk to, about your secrets and other stuff, I am just your classmate and you can quickly approach me. Hindi ko ipagkakalat ang. . . uhm. . . sikreto mo." He smiled at me after I've said those.
"And I hope that you won't hide in the darkness forever. I have a firsthand experience of being choked by keep on hiding myself. My true colors. My true hues. Alam na alam ko kung ga'no kahirap 'yan at sana malagpasan mo rin 'yang takot na 'yan balang araw. I know you can do it," I softly said.
That was like talking to myself. That was like talking to my soul. To let myself be free for the least. To let me enjoy my teenage days and continue to pursue my dreams. To not hide my true colors because I can shine the brightest, like a colorful rainbow, when I am myself.
"Thank you for that. Hindi ko alam na may problema ka rin pala. I always thought na tahimik ka lang talaga at iwas sa mga tao. But I guess everyone has their own demon to battle with. We can hide those problems with a smile, but we will bear them in our heavy heart unless we've decided to release them." Napatitig lang ako sa sa kanya dahil sa sinabi niya.
Ngumiti ako at nagsalita na ulit pagkatapos. I can't believe that with even just a small talk, I felt relieved. Parang ang gaan sa pakiramdam makipag-usap sa mga taong halos kaparehas ng sitwasyon ko.
"Can we be friends?" I asked him and he gladly accepted my hand. "Friends." After that we've talked a lot more about life.
---
Pagkatapos ng first Jail Booth session, umayaw na 'ko sa next batch. Yes, it was relieving to talk to someone but also difficult at the same time.
Paano kung hindi pala kayo same ng opinion? Pa'no kung nasaktan mo siya with your usage of words unintentionally? You can't really say.
Nagpaalam muna ako kanila Leanna at Clea na pupuntahan ko na lang si North sa clinic. Inasar pa nila ako na inuna ko pa ang bebe time kaysa tumulong sa lipunan. I just rolled my eyes at them.
I knocked at the clinic's door before entering because it would look rude if I'll trespass. "Good morning po," I greeted the nurse-in-charge. "Bibisitahin ko lang po si North Theodore Lacuesta. Gising na po ba siya?"
She said that he's still sleeping soundly kaya napangiti na lang ako bago pumunta sa kama niya. Hinawi ko ang nakaharang na kurtina at nakita ko si North na natutulog nang mahimbing.
I smiled while looking at him. Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama niya. I remembered the same scenario that Clea and I shared when she was in the hospital. Umalon pa bahagya ang kama nang umupo ako sa gilid.
I looked at his features. He had those chinito eyes that always form crescent whenever he smiles. His perfect eyebrows and tall nose, partnered with his reddish soft lips. Hindi talaga ako nagtataka kung bakit pati si Selena ay sinabi na crush niya si North dati.
I mean, he's the dream guy. Easy to approach and always cheerful. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko 'to nasasabi at itanggi ko man, naging magaan na rin ang loob ko kay North sa nakalipas na mga buwan na magkakilala kami.
"Hays. . ." buntong-hininga at luminga-linga muna pero nagulat ako nang bigla niyang hawakan ang kamay ko nang marahan. "North?" tanong ko dahil nakapikit pa rin siya. Baka nananaginip lang.
I held his hand too and caressed it softly. Kitang-kita ang ugat sa mga kamay niya at matigas din ang braso niya. I smirked but got too shocked when he suddenly spoke.
"Aba, nang-hi-hipo."
Bigla akong napabitaw sa hawak dahil sa sinabi niya. "Gising ka na pala! Hindi mo sinasabi!" naiirita kong tugon pero ramdam ko na ang pag-akyat ng lahat ng dugo sa pisngi ko dahil sa pamumula. Oh my goodness!
He chuckled. "Tapos na kayo ro'n?" Unti-unti siyang umupo mula sa pagkakahiga at nakita kong namumutla siya. May sakit ba talaga siya? Hindi ba dapat ay nag-absent na lang muna siya ngayon?
"Actually, no. And don't bother to help there again. Baka mabinat ka pa." I extended my hand to check his temperature. Nilapat ko ang likod ng palad ko sa noo ni North at mainit nga 'yun! Nakita kong parang napatigil siya sa paglapit ko.
"You have fever," I said and looked at him. Tiningnan niya 'ko gamit ang makahulugan niyang mga mata. It was like I was drowning in the vast oceans because of his stares. I felt my heart thumping loudly in my chest.
Mas lalo akong nagulat nang hinila niya ang kamay ko na nasa noo niya para mapahapit ako sa yakap. Napasubsob tuloy ako sa dibdib niya. "North!" gulat kong tawag.
Siniksik niya ang ulo niya sa leeg ko habang pinapalupot ako sa yakap. "Ang init mo. . ." The only thing that I could say. Siguro ramdam niya na rin kung ga'no kabilis ang tibok ng puso ko.
"Hot lang talaga 'ko," he giggled that's why I loosened the hug but he tightened it more.
"Bakit mo 'ko niyayakap?" I asked. I don't want to assume anything. Kung ano man 'yun. . .
"Sa tingin mo. Ano ba meaning sa'yo nito? As friends?" tanong niya at ramdam ko ang mapang-asar niyang tingin.
"O-oo...?" His forehead creased before laughing.
"Tss. Friends!" Sarkastiko siyang tumawa. Nakitawa rin ako sa kanya pero napatigil ako nang humiwalay siya sa yakap.
I awkwardly faked a laugh then got shocked when I saw his serious face. We looked at each other again and laid silent for a while. Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang binaba niya ang ulo niya para pantayan ang tingin ko.
"North. . ."
He scooted over me and lowered his head more towards my face. Napapikit ako sa hindi malamang dahilan. Ramdam ko na ang pamumula ng pisngi ko at hindi ko alam ang gagawin!
My eyes were still closed but there's no North coming! I mean, ano ba'ng in-e-expect ko? A freaking kiss?!
I opened my eyes and saw that he was smirking right at me.
"Ano ba hinihintay mo? Kiss? Akala ko ba friends lang tayo. Friends don't kiss, Kap!"
Mas lalo siyang tumawa nang umasim ang mukha ko. I stood up, about to go out, when he pulled my arm and our lips accidentally met each other.
His soft lips landed on mine and it was just a quick peck but I felt something foreign, something I've never felt before. Parang may mga paru-parong kumikiliti sa tiyan ko.
Humiwalay ako bigla sa halik dahil sa naisip ko. Tanniah, what the hell is happening to you?!
"Are we still just. . . friends?" he whispered but I heard it clearly. He then got out of bed and quickly scooted over my side before putting his arms on my shoulder. Kita agad ang height difference.
"Crush kita. Ayos ba?" bulong niya. I gulped before looking away, not saying anything.
---
Days went by fast and it was already the last day for our Foundation Week. Halos lahat ay nag-aayos na ng mga booths para sa wrap-up at nakita kong inaayos na nila ang stage para sa The Greatest Showman na Band Night mamaya. Ang dami pang nakasabit sa taas na parang mga hulahoop tapos 'yung stage ay talagang pinagmukha nilang circus!
Alpas. 'Yan 'yung parang main title ng Band Night ngayong year. It means to become free or to break loose like how teenagers live like we'll be young forever.
"Uy! May photo booth mamaya na hinanda ng Journalism club! Sama tayo, ah!" pang-aaya ni Selena na tinanguan naming lahat.
Malakas na hiyawan ang sumalubong nang magsimula nang kumanta ang unang banda na nagpalista sa band night. It's already 7 PM at madilim na ang gabi pero buhay na buhay ang buong Ateneo.
"Put your hand in mine,
You know that I want to be with you all the time,
You know that I won't stop until I make you mine!"
Patuloy ang kantahan na sinasabayan ko na rin. Nakangiti kaming magkakaibigan at minsan pa'y tumatalon-talon sa tuwa.
I dressed up with a black and white striped t-shirt, partnered with a jumper skirt that made me look like a mime artist. I also wore a black beanie so that I won't need to put on much make-up. May sari-sarili rin kaming glow in the dark bracelet.
Sa sunod na kanta ay napahiyaw ako dahil sa pamilyar na tugtugin. Parang hindi ako 'yung um-a-attend ngayon dahil tuwang-tawa ako na may nagpatugtog ng 5SOS.
"I remember the day you told me you were leaving,
I remember the make-up running down your face."
Patuloy pa ang pagkanta ko at nagulat ako nang may umakbay sa'kin. Agad na bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko dahil doon. I clearly knew who that man, with a DSLR hanging on his chest, was accompanying me.
"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,
And forget about the stupid little things!"
Lumingon na 'ko sa gilid ko at nakita na si North nga 'yung nasa tabi ko. He was in all smiles while looking at the stage. Balita ko ay siya ang in-charge na pang-sub sa photo journalist na absent ngayon kaya siguro'y pagod na rin siya.
Nakaakbay pa rin siya hanggang sa matapos ang kantahan at may umakyat na emcee sa gitna ng stage. She was wearing a magician-skirt costume with a bunny on her hand.
"Good evening, Ateneans!" malakas na bati ng host kaya nagtaasan ng glow in the dark sticks ang lahat at naghiyawan.
"So we had a special request from a man named. . ." May nilabas siyang note mula sa bulsa niya. "Mister North Lacuesta?" she asked at nagulat ako nang sumigaw si North sa tabi ko.
"Oo! 'Yung gwapo!" Nagtawanan ang mga katabi namin pero nanlamig ang mga kamay ko sa 'di malamang dahilan.
"They will song a song with his. . . uh. . . girlfriend? Miss Tanniah Mesina? Where are you po?" tanong ng host kaya mabilis na kumalabog ang puso ko sa kaba.
Ako. . .? Bakit ako nasali?!
Tiningnan ko si North na mukhang tuwang-tuwa sa mga pinaggagawa niya. What the hell?! Anong girlfriend?! At anong kakantahin?!
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Patuloy ko lang hinahampas ang balikat niya pero tawa lang siya ng tawa. That's when the spotlight was directed to us.
"They will sing a song entitled. . ." the host paused before smiling.
"Rewrite the Stars. Let's give them a round of applause everybody!"
Para akong naestatwa sa kinatatayuan ko dahil sa biglaang mga pangyayari. I can't freaking believe it! I mean, me?! Singing in front of everybody? Really?!
"Ayo'ko. . . North, a-ayaw ko. . ." bulong ko pero naglalakad na kami papuntang stage. Grabe ang panlalamig ng kamay ko. Alam ko ang kanta at hindi naman ako paos ngayon pero. . . hindi ko alam kung kaya ko.
Hinawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko at naramdaman ko na ang pagtulo ng luha ko dahil sa kaba. Hindi ko talaga in-e-expect lahat ng 'to. Para akong binabawian ng kaluluwa. Gusto kong umatras.
"North. . ." sabi kong muli nang huminto na kami sa may hagdan ng stage. Nilingon niya 'ko at nakita na umiiyak nga 'ko.
"Hey. . . Kap." Napatigil siya sa pagngiti from excitement dahil sa kakantahin namin. Tinitigan niya ako nang may pag-aalala. "I'm sorry. Ayaw mo ba. . .?" he hesitantly asked.
Pinalis ko ang luhang dumanas sa pisngi ko gamit ang nanginginig kong mga kamay. I hate attention, I hate interactions, and I hate everything regarding the people surrounding me. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko maging center of attraction. Baka himatayin ako sa kaba.
"Hindi ba pangarap mo 'to? Ayaw mo bang. . . tuparin 'yun kahit isang gabi lang?" He smiled softly at me and held my hands. Bigla niya 'kong hinapit sa yakap kaya napa-ooh ang mga tumitingin sa'min.
"If you're afraid, don't mind them. Shine on the stage like you rock the world, Kap. Kasama mo naman ako." He smiled at me.
"Kaya nga Captain kita kasi malakas ang loob mo. Saka bagay 'yung tawag ko sa'yo sa pangalan mo." Nilabas niya ang kamay na nakalagay sa bulsa niya at may pinakita sa'kin na sulat.
kapiTANNA
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Songs: Make you mine by Public
Amnesia by 5SOS
Haneehany