AUTHOR'S NOTE: Shoutout to Canzies for making me this amazing cover!! Also, I hope you guys enjoy this insanely long chapter (:
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They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
—F. Scott Fitzgerald
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KATIE
JULY // 7 MONTHS EARLIER
I turned the page of my summer reading book while simultaneously attempting to stifle a yawn. This book was going to be the death of me. I'd rather read Julius Caesar instead of this cinder block in front of me. And I couldn't believe I had to write two five-page papers on this thing—one paper was making an argument for the main character running away and the other paper was making an argument against the main character's decision. I slammed my head down on the book.
"Having fun?" Ava asked me as she walked out onto the porch with a stack of books in her arms, her laptop among them.
"Who let me take 3 AP classes?" I muttered into the pages of my book.
"Uhh, the Dean of Students," she answered before sliding into the seat across from me just as a warm breeze ruffled the pages of one of my notebooks. My hair tickled the backs of my shoulders and I visibly shivered. It was kind of cold for July.
"Oh... right." I scrunched up my face in content. "Well he shouldn't have done that." I said turning the page. "Chapter 4. Shoot me." Three seconds later I felt something semi-hard hit the back of my head and put my hand to my 'battle wound.' "Ow," I said even though it didn't actually hurt. I turned around to see Finn holding a nerf gun, trying very hard to hold in his laughter. "Finnegan Michael Hawthorne, was that you?" I asked, feigning anger.
"Gotcha!" He burst out laughing before shooting another dart at me. Then he disappeared into the safety of our air conditioned house.
"Dork!" I shouted, hearing his footsteps fade away, leaving nothing but remnants of smiles and echoes of laughter. "What are you working on?" I asked Ava as I turned back to the table.
"AP Stats." She rolled her eyes. "My teacher is making everyone do the first six chapters before school starts, and then we have a test during the first week of school," Ava said while highlighting some stuff with a blue highlighter. "This weekend needs to hurry up and get here faster."
"I think it's stuck in 4th of July traffic," I said as I wrote down a few notes on page 72."
"Oh my God, I know! Tell me about it... I went to get a coffee this morning and I stood in line for literally thirty-five minutes." Ava shook her head.
"I went for a run this morning," I began.
"With the hottie?" Ava wiggled her eyebrows at me.
I laughed. "Yeah, with Derek. And hey, you're dating the other Class-A hottie."
"Doesn't mean Derek is less hot," Ava said.
"Ok, ok, write that down. Document it. But back to me and Derek running... Do you know how many times we almost got hit by a car?" I turned the page so hard, I ripped the corner off.
"Two?"
"I lost count after four." I shook my head.
"People really need to learn how to drive!" Ava looked up at me.
"Don't even get me started." I rolled my eyes. "So, how's that Stats going?"
"Umm, I think it's going." Ava tilted her head to the right, sticking her pencil in her mouth as she highlighted a few things and then flipped the page. "Chapter 3 isn't so bad, but I don't even know what standard deviation is and this stupid book uses it, like, every other word. So I'm pretty much screwed." She said after removing her pencil.
"Good." I laughed. "You should be set for that test in a few months then."
"I'm just trying to get through this weekend, first." Ava laughed. "Alive," she added.
"Ladies, I didn't know homework involved so much talking," Dad said as he stepped out onto the porch wearing nothing but a set of swim trunks and a baseball—excuse me—hockey hat. Ava picked up her phone and took a few pictures.
"Send those to me," I said with a giggle.
"Mhm," Ava nodded, putting her phone back down on the table. A few moments later, I felt my phone buzz.
"Hey! Are you Instapanning or Snaphatting that, or whatever you girls use?" Dad asked, pointing an angry finger at us. He was nice salmon color and I'd bet my college education that if he lifted his sunglasses up, he'd have a tan line.
"You're gonna be famous, Mike," Ava said. "So don't worry."
"Do your homework," he grumbled before trudging back inside.
"Oh my God, this picture is priceless." I looked at it. "You put it on Snapchat right?"
"Yeah, with the caption: How Coach spends his offseason," Ava said before we both broke out in laughter.
"Derek said they train every morning."
"Which has to be brutal given that two-a-days are going to be starting up soon for soccer." Ava sighed.
"Will they still train and do two-a-days?" I asked.
"They didn't last summer, but I'm not sure. It depends how hard two-a-days are." Ava shook her head.
"What about the guys that do football? Aren't those guys on like three-a-days, or something?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter. Unless they're the starting QB or God, Mike won't let them do football. He doesn't want them hurt for hockey. Besides, they get to work on their footwork in soccer, which I know makes Charlie happy because he's always trying to beat everyone else. Ya know, be the best."
"So basically, everyone on the soccer team is on the hockey team?" I flipped the page in my book and jotted down a few notes in my notebook.
"Ehh, some of the guys on the soccer team play basketball in the winter and some of the boys on the hockey team run cross country in the fall, but yeah, the majority of the hockey boys play soccer." Ava nodded
"What about when Spring rolls around?"
"The boys are all over place, tennis, baseball, lacrosse... That's probably where they have the most freedom cause they have the summer to recuperate. It's also the one season when Derek and Calum play different sports, thank the Lord," Ava said and we laughed. She took a sip of her drink. "Though, they get together every Sunday evening for street hockey. It's actually cute."
"Such a bromance." I laughed.
"Since, like, age 4."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, most of the guys have been playing hockey together since they were little. They all grew up together."
"Wow, that is cute." I smiled.
"A bunch of peas in one pod." Ava rolled her eyes.
"So what's Jules been up to?" I asked, seeing as we seemed to have exhausted the hockey topic for now.
"Well, she's kinda disappeared off the face of the earth ever since the entire school found out she was pregnant. So I'm not exactly sure, but we text every now and then."
"She was the one who announced it to everyone." I shook my head, still in disbelief.
"Drunkenly," Ava added. "But then when people started asking her about it in school and talking about her, I think she cracked." Ava frowned. "She's due any day now. I think July 7th was the due date." She scratched her head with her pencil.
"That's really close." I tried not to gasp. I couldn't even imagine being pregnant right now, let alone about to have a baby.
"I'm sure once she has her, we'll see a lot more of her and the baby. I mean, I am the god mother, and all."
"And the god father?" I asked.
"Your hottie of a boyfriend." Ava smirked at me.
"I think I would melt if I saw him playing with a kid."
"I'm going to melt when I see Jake playing with his kid." Ava sighed and I looked away. My stomach jumped even just hearing his name. "Oh, come on, Katie! You can't deny that Jake is hot," Ava said, and she didn't know how right she was.
Beat you to it.
I smiled slightly.
"And poor Calum would be left out in the cold!"
"Can I just have them both?" She asked.
"You know, something tells me that neither Jake, nor Calum would be okay with that."
"I guess I'll keep Calum then." Ava shrugged.
"You'd pick Calum over Jake?" I couldn't stop the surprise from making its way into my voice.
"Oh, any day." Ava waved her hand like she was swatting at a fly. "Jake may be hot, but Charlie and I have been through Hell together." Ava gave me a sad smile. "He's always been there for me when I needed him. No way would I ever give that up." Ava laid her pencil down on the table and leaned over to grab another piece of loose leaf paper. Her notes were always so meticulous. "And if you haven't already figured it out yet, Derek is the same way," Ava said and I swallowed.
"Yeah, he's good to me." I smiled, thinking of him, and my stomach jumped a bit.
Ava let out half of a laugh. "Derek usually is."
△
"We'll call you when we get there," Ava said, hoisting her duffle bag onto her shoulder.
"You be careful now, Ava Marie, do you understand me?" Nora asked.
"Mom, it's all backroads to the middle of nowhere." Ava leaned in to hug her mom.
"That goes for you too, Katie." Nora pointed a finger at me.
"Hey, no promises or anything," I laughed and held my hands up before wrapping them around Nora.
"I'm too young to have a heart attack," Dad said. "But your mother over here." He jerked his thumb towards Nora who promptly smacked his chest. "Just calling it like I see it, baby." Dad grinned. "Now get over here, girls, and give me a hug before you go and forget about me for the weekend."
"Thank God the 4th is on a Saturday this year," Ava said under her breath and I couldn't help but laugh as we walked over and hugged my dad.
"You two girls be safe this weekend," Dad said.
"We will," Ava and I replied in unison.
"And I want that car back without a scratch!" He demanded.
"Bye, Michael." Ava smiled before rolling her eyes. "Bye, Mom," Ava added as she hopped into the car.
"Bye, guys!" I said and then made my way around to the passenger side and climbed in.
"Kent Lake, here we come," Ava said as she backed out of the driveway."
A little over an hour-and-a-half later, we pulled off the main road and onto a worn dirt road covered in pine needles.
"Whose house is that?" I asked somewhat breathlessly as a stone facade came into view.
"Ryder's." Ava couldn't help but smile. "Nice, isn't it?" Ava looked over at me after parking.
I nodded. "It's huge."
Ava and I walked around to the trunk to get our things. "Fits the whole hockey team, and then some," Ryder said, slinging his arms over mine and Ava's shoulders.
"Hey, Ryder." Ava wrapped an arm around his waist, leaning into him to give him a half-hug.
"Welcome, ladies. Pick a room, grab a drink and a towel, and head down to the beach," he said to us as we walked towards the house.
"Hey, Brooks!" Derek shouted from the porch.
"Get your hands off our girlfriends!" Calum finished for him. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces, like it was the greatest thing either of them could possibly say.
"They're all yours." Calum laughed as he walked back down the steps, presumably towards the beach.
"Hey," Derek said to me as I walked over to him.
"Hey yourself," I smiled as he opened the door to the house. I took one last look at Ava, who was sitting on a porch swing with Calum, then I followed after Derek.
"How was your drive up here?" Derek asked as we climbed the stairs. I tried not to marvel at the house.
"Not that bad. Though, we did get stuck behind someone going 30 in a 50 and I thought Ava was literally going to drive over them."
"Should have come up with Ryder and me." Derek laughed.
"And listen to your horrible music? No, thank you." I nudged him.
"Are you staying with me or Ava?" Derek asked. "Cause I can always kick Ryder out." Derek stopped outside one of the rooms, which I assumed was his.
"I'm gonna stay with Aves." I nodded. "But maybe I'll sneak in later tonight." I stood up on my tippy toes and placed a kiss on Derek's insanely soft lips. "If you play your cards right," I said to him after pulling away
"If I play my cards right?" Derek gave me an incredulous stare. "You better play your cards right, Katie." Derek wrapped his arms around my waist.
I laughed. "My cards are better."
"Yeah, yeah, cause you always have an ace up your sleeve." Derek walked me a few doors down, and I knew he was referring to that one time a party a few months ago when a bunch of people were playing Kings and an ace just happened to fall out of the sleeve of my sweatshirt. When someone picks an ace in Kings, it's called waterfall and everyone has to drink. The person that picked the ace gets to stop drinking first and then the person to the left of them can stop drinking whenever they want, and so on. So the father away a person is from whomever picked the ace, the more they have to drink. Well, Derek was sitting to my right, so he was the last person to stop drinking. I think he went through at least two beers on the ace alone.
"That was one time!" I gasped. "And it was an accident!"
"How do you accidentally stick an ace up your sleeve?"
"Yeah, this doesn't look good, Katie," Ava said, coming to stand next to me. "This our room?" She asked before I could protest.
"Ryder and I are two doors that way." Derek pointed. "If you girls need us." He wiggled his eyebrows before kissing me.
"Need." Ava made air quotes.
"Don't even think about it, Ryder," I heard Calum call from his room on the other side of the hall. Ava smirked.
"I'll be on the left side of the room. I mean, unless you wanna snuggle with my boy, Ryder, here." He held his hands up.
"Oh, yeah? I'll try and remember that." I ruffled his hair up.
"Hurry up and put your bathing suit on," Derek said before walking down the hall towards the stairs. "I wanna go swimming!"
"Just like a little kid," I said.
"Yeah, and I'm gonna throw a temper tantrum soon if you don't hurry up."
"Okay, okay," I laughed before walking into my room.
"You guys literally take forever to put on a bathing suit." Derek said once we reemerged.
"I had to fix my hair." Ava shrugged, the lie easily rolling off of tongue. But in all reality, we were talking about Derek's abs and comparing them to Calum's.
"I'm gonna go say hi to a few of the guys that just got here." Derek said once we got down to the lake.
"That's fine. There's a towel and patch of sun with my name on it." I said before walking off and setting up my oversized towel next to Ava's. I put my back towards the lake, so I could avoid looking at Jake at all costs. I knew that meant I wouldn't be able to stare at Derek either, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
I was halfway through an article about all the celebrities' various houses when Derek collapsed next to me, soaking wet. I gasped. "You're freezing. And wet." I inched away from him, but Derek only pulled me closer.
"And you're warm and dry." He hugged me to him.
"Well, I'm not dry anymore." I grumbled.
"We should fix that." Derek picked me up and started making his way over to the dock.
"I swear to God, Derek, if you—" I never got to finish my sentence because Derek decided that throwing me off the dock was a much better idea. The water wasn't as cold as Derek had felt. It was actually kind of nice. "Are you just gonna stand there and watch me, or are you gonna join me?" I asked before swimming out to the water trampoline that Calum had.
"I bet I can jump higher than you," Derek said as he jumped around.
"That's because you're taller!" I whined.
"What's that? I can't hear you. You're too short." Derek cupped a hand to his ear and leaned down close to me.
"Derek Leighton, you are so rude!" I said, bouncing away from him.
"Do you still like me even though I'm rude?" he asked me.
I laughed. "Only sometimes."
"Like on Saturdays?" he asked me before doing a backflip off the side of the trampoline. When he resurfaced, he shook his head, causing water droplets to rain down everywhere.
"It's Friday, Der," I said before jumping into the water to join him.
△
"Anyone need another drink? I'm getting up," I heard Jake ask as we were all sitting around the campfire roasting marshmallows. There were a few murmurs before he disappeared inside.
"Derek, I hate to break it to you, but if I don't get up, I'm gonna pee my pants," I told him before standing up.
"Bring me back one of these." He held up his beer.
I leaned down till my face was inches from his. "You didn't say please."
Derek grabbed my wrist and tugged me forward, pressing his lips to mine. "Does that count?" he asked.
"I suppose." I rolled my eyes. "Will you make me a marshmallow?" I asked him taking a few steps towards the house.
"You didn't say please." He threw my words back at me. I didn't even have to turn around to know that there was a smirk plastered across his face.
"Please."
"Jesus Christ, leave it to Derek to drink the only beer Calum no longer has." I muttered to myself. I grabbed one with a cool, orange label out of the fridge instead. I was about to walk back outside when I remembered that I still had to pee. I was so preoccupied with finding drinks that I almost forgot.
Bathroom...
Bathroom...
Where was it again?
I walked down a hallway, hoping that a bathroom would be behind one of these doors. One of the doors opened and Jake walked out. I caught a glimpse of a sink and a hand towel behind him.
Sweet. Bathroom.
"Hey," he said to me.
"Hey," I replied, waiting for him to move out of the way, but I contemplated bodychecking him if he didn't move soon.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Nothing, you?" I asked.
God, I really needed to pee.
"Nothing really," Jake said as a cold gust rolled down the hallway and I couldn't help but shiver. I hadn't put a sweatshirt on because I had been so warm sitting in Derek's lap, but now I kinda wished I had a sweatshirt. "Come on." Jake started walking down the hall.
But I need to pee.
"Where are we going?" I asked, following him. Jake didn't reply, but he stopped in front of another door. "Does this lead to Narnia?" I asked, crossing my arms.
"The entrance to Narnia is through a wardrobe, not a closet, Hawthorne," he said sarcastically. "Besides, that's upstairs anyways." He didn't even miss a beat.
Jake opened the closet and to my surprise, it was filled with sweatshirts, and nothing else. Some people have an assortment of things in their closet, like shoes, towels, blankets... But nope, not Calum.
Only he would have a walk-in closet filled with just sweatshirts?
Wordlessly, I walked in, running my fingers over the different patterns and materials. I turned around as I heard the door shut, seeing a patch of light on the ground. I looked up to find a skylight.
Who puts a skylight in a closet?
Jake stepped into the patch of light, and I subconsciously took a step back, only to be greeted by a wall of sweatshirts. "Jake," I said, trying to remember how to breathe as he got closer.
"Yeah," he said, and I could just hear the smile in his voice.
"We're in a closet." I told him seriously.
"And I still have a tattoo," he laughed.
"What?" I was so caught off guard by his response.
"You said the same thing to me the last time we were in a closet." He took another step towards me.
"I have a boyfriend," I tried to steady my voice.
"I have a girlfriend, but that didn't seem to stop you last time," Jake said and I bit my lip.
Jake was so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of his body. And if I said that I didn't want to kiss him, I would be lying. If I said that I didn't want to run my hands through his hair, I would also be lying. And if I said that I didn't want his lips on me or his hands in my hair, I would be going to Hell for telling so many lies.
But I had a boyfriend.
"I'm not gonna be like him." I said to Jake, as I pushed myself off of the wall of sweatshirts.
"Like who?" he asked me.
"My father." I pushed past him, and he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back to him.
"You're not like him," he said as I felt his body mould to mine.
"I'm not doing to this, Jake." I said and I felt his grip tighten.
"Oh you're not gonna kiss me and then go flirt with my best friend?" he asked. "Because it's a little late for that, Katie."
"I'm dating your best friend, so you better get that through your head!" I couldn't help but raise my voice just a little. "You may be okay with cheating on your girlfriend, but I'm not okay with cheating on my boyfriend." I wriggled my wrist out of Jake's grasp. He just stared at me. I put my forehead to his. "As much as I want to, I can't be like my father." I whispered before turning away and walking out of the closet.
"Hey, there you are," Derek said to me just as I emerged from the closet.
"Oh h-hi." I said, a little caught of guard. I subconsciously ran a hand through my hair.
"Did you get lost on the way to the bathroom or something, Katie?" he tilted his head to the side in that adorable puppy dog way that I loved.
I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, something like that." I wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked a few doors down to the bathroom. "Okay, don't go anywhere." I said. "I promise, I'll try not to get lost again." I said before shutting the door.
△
"So, you sneaking into Derek's room tonight?" Ava asked me as we were getting reading for bed.
"If I don't get lost." I said honestly.
"Yeah, I heard you got lost on your way to the bathroom." She laughed.
"It was traumatic, Aves." I shook my head as I hopped into a pair of pink shorts and one of Derek's t-shirts, which all but looked like a dress on me. "There were so many doors..."
"Oh, that's hot. He'll love that." Ava looked me up and down, but I ignored her comment because I was blushing too much.
"Are you gonna go visit Charlie?" I asked her in a singsongy voice once I recovered.
"Well whoever falls asleep first," Ava said and I didn't follow. "Like if I fall asleep first, Charlie will come to my room, and if he falls asleep first, I'll go to his room." Ava shrugged.
"Okay, that's actually adorable." I felt my lips curve up into a smile.
"I think I'm gonna surprise him later. Wake him up out of a dead sleep." I giggled. "Derek, not Ryder." I clarified.
"Yeah, give him a heart attack, Katie. I'm sure he'll love that." Ava ran a brush through her long hair.
"Well, I'll be in his bed, so I think he will. Regardless of the heart attack." I climbed into my bed. "But maybe I'll text him." I grabbed my phone from the end table between mine and Ava's bed, wiggling it.
Ava turned off the light and climbed into her bed a few minutes later. I picked my head up off my pillow and looked over at her. Just like most nights, I could only see her face, which was lit up by her phone. I smiled and put my head back down on my pillow. These were the nights that I loved.
A few hours later, I woke up to pure blackness. And once again, I had to pee. I really shouldn't have drank that entire bottle of water before bed. But I was so thirsty. Tentatively, I got out of bed, my feet greeted by the cool hardwood floors. Silently, I made my way across our room and out into the hallway. Thankfully, there weren't any strange objects on the floor, like pants or shoes for me to trip over and wake the whole house up. I should have brought my phone to the bathroom with me. Not because I had anyone to text, but because it was so dark and I couldn't see anything.
Which way was Derek's room again?
I took a right out of the bathroom.
How many rooms down was it? Three?
That sounded about right.
I think I was still a little bit drunk. I felt around for the door handle and and heard the slight creak of the door as I slowly pushed it open. I tiptoed over to Derek's bed—on the left side of the room—pulled the covers back and climbed in. I had to smile to myself because what if I crawled into Ryder's bed instead of Derek's. I'm sure we'd all have a good laugh about that in the morning. An arm wrapped around me and I felt a pair of lips on my neck.
"Couldn't stay away, could you, Hawthorne?" I heard a husky voice.
Derek never called me by my last name. Ever.
"Jake," I said cooly, taking a guess. He was the only person I could think of.
"Miss me?" he asked. Ryder's bed was sounding like a really good idea right now.
"I was actually looking for Derek's room." I whispered back. "You're not Derek." I swallowed, but made no move to get out of Jake's bed.
"Correct." He pulled me a little closer. "Nice shirt. But I gotta say, mine would look much better on you."
"Jake, I have to go," I looked away.
"Just stay. For a little." His voice wrapped around me. "I know you want to." He buried his face into my shoulder. "What's so wrong about cuddling? Hm?" Jake asked.
"I just want to be with you." I whispered, hoping that maybe if I didn't say those words too loud, Jake wouldn't hear them and I wouldn't feel the way I felt about him.
"So be with me." He rested his chin on my shoulder.
"I can't." I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
"My girlfriend? Your boyfriend?" He guessed.
"Baby." I replied.
"Okay," he said. "Okay, so just be with me for right now." Jake's soft, yet sad voice all but wrenched my heart out of my chest.
That was the last thing I remembered, because when I woke up again, it was just starting to get light out, and Jake's arm was still around me. I tried not to freak out when I saw Calum asleep in the bed on the other side of the room.
This was not good.
I picked Jake's arm up and placed it next to me and slowly crawled out of bed.
Where the hell was Derek's room?
I yawned.
Two doors down. Not three.
I wanted to kick myself. I pushed the right door open and saw Derek sleeping in. I let out a sigh of relief and all but collapsed into his bed. "I was wondering when you were going to visit," Derek said, half-asleep. "But hey, 4am works for me." He rolled over onto his back.
"I may or may not have gotten lost." I said truthfully, snuggling up against him and laying my head on his chest.
"What are we going to do with you, Katie?" he asked me as he rubbed my back.
I propped myself up and kissed him. "I have no idea." I kissed him again. "But does this fix it?" I asked and felt Derek smile against my lips.
"It's a start." He grabbed my shirt and pulled me down towards him, but all I could think of was Michael Hawthorne, because I wanted so badly just to be back in Jake's bed. But he had a girlfriend. And he was about to have a kid. He was about to have a family. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't be a home wrecker.
So instead, I let Derek pull me closer to him, relishing the warmth seeping into me. I drifted off to sleep feeling Derek's breath against the back of my neck, thinking one last thought over and over again: I'm not my father. I'm not my father. I'm not my father.