I started to doze off but a sudden shrill from my phone jerked me fully awake
"Mr. Arrogant"
My heartbeat crescendoed and at that moment I didn't know whether to be glad that at last, he'd remembered about my existence or be angry that he hadn't until now.
My phone went silent for a while before it began to ring again. The moment I decided to pick, Hanif made entrance into the room and my thumb which was about to swipe the green icon and answer the call, froze.
Hanif had been very furious at Khalil for so many reasons. He'd wish to fist his face again the next time they meet, but that wouldn't happen since his break had come to an end and he was about to resume.
"Deen." He plopped beside me on the bed and gave me a brief hug.
"You don't look good, really. Is it because of him?" He asked in a worried tone and I quickly shook my head. Hanif was now my soldier and like my older brother. I loved it when he acted all protective over me. When he took care of me. When he gave me warm hugs and pampered me
"Please don't think too much about it. I know you've passed through a lot but that guy isn't worth your thoughts." This time, he sounded a bit angry
"Are..you leaving already." I noticed that he was all dressed up in khaki uniform.
"Uh yup. I came to say bye. I'm running late, gotta go." He stood up and strengthened his cloth.
I began to tear up but he was quick to distract me.
"How are you even a doctor..you tear up for too little issues. Ugh! I really can't address you as a doc." He stuck out his tongue a little and I rolled my eyes
"Blah blah.. I wasn't tearing up. Stop getting your hopes high, because I'm not gonna miss you." It was now my turn to stick out my tongue and I even had my lids down. I didn't realise it until I heard a click.
He's..gone
"You little brat!" I hurried after him but I was late. I only got to see his right hand wave outside the window of his friend's car.
That was quick
"I hate you!" I yelled after him as I felt tears sting my eyes
I really do
Dejectedly, I walked back to the room as I roughly brushed away a lone tear with the back of my palm. Baby Firdaus was in school, Maami at work, so I was the only one left now.
How frustrating
This morning, Hanif had helped me with the house chores and we'd talked about many things. Yes, since I was the only one left at home, I was responsible for the chores and even meals. That had always been my life, right?
When I picked up my phone, I saw that I had missed yet another call from Khalil so I just dialled him.
"Hello?" My voice cracked
"Addaa." Fatima's voice came through. She sounded weak and in tears
Oh poor girl
How did I forget about her
"Fatma dear. Why do you sound that way.. I hope you're fine?" I was really worried about her
"No. My Yaya..he needs help." She managed to breathe out
"What!? What happened to him?" I began to panick
"Please come help him. He really needs you. I can't do this..please Adda." Her voice shook
OMG
What must have happened to him
It's not like he's affected by my absence
I.. don't
"Adda?" She sounded disappointed already
"Huh? Wait, I'll..."
"No no. Yaya, please.." The rest of the words faded, then I heard a thump and then Fatma's screams.
With no thoughts, I wore a hijab and left the house.
I got a tricycle to drive me to my matrimonial home and within 15 minutes, I was there. I just exited the tricycle and never looked back, even when I heard him call out.
"Peace be unto you." My heart drummed in my chest as I went into the sitting room.
The house was eerily quiet and every of my step echoed everywhere.
Ya Rabb
I didn't know what to expect. I checked everywhere downstairs, the guest rooms, the kitchen, dining area but there was no sign of life.
Ya Allah
Ya Allah
One, two, three...fifteen, I counted my steps upstairs.
Sobs. I just heard sobs or sniffs and it seemed like they were from downstairs.
What's happening
I rushed back downstairs and the sobs became a little louder. I heard sniffs and some movements in one of the rooms and the first one I checked, confirmed that someone was there.
Her muffled sobs helped me trace her down to the closet.
Ya Ilahi
She was curled up in a corner, her head buried in her knees.
"Fatma!" I rushed to her and the kind of hug she gave scared me. Her sobs became very loud and she shuddered. I couldn't even utter anything, until she spoke.
"I killed him Adda. I killed my brother."
"What!?" I panicked
"I..I was just trying to stop him.. I just. I've told him several times not to drink but he wouldn't hear. I don't know how it happened. I just..hit him with an empty bottle and he fell...he died. I..killed him." She cried louder as if her lungs would burst.
"No no. No, he can't be dead. He's alive, he might have just fainted or something. Just..Let's go and check. He's upstairs, right?" She nodded severally.
"Let's get help." I held her hand and we sallied upstairs.
Right at the foot of the bed, he laid motionlessly.
Disheveled hair, tear stricken and pale face, shirtless body, bloodied ....
Blood!! He's bleeding..
Oh God..his head
I checked his pulse and to my greatest joy and relief, he was very much alive.
"Adda.."
"He's alive. He's alive Fatma. Let's go get help. We need to take him to the hospital as soon as possible." She nodded and we went downstairs.
I wiped my face as we left the building with the hope to get some Good Samaritan.
"Hey woman. Is that how you behave with people!?" The tricycle man yelled angrily
Ahhh
"I'm very sorry. I was in a confused situation, please forgive me." I searched my sweaty palms which had some changes earlier but there was nothing.
I must have dropped it in one of the rooms..
"Adda.. why not ask him for help?"
"True. Excuse me please, we need your help. Please sir."
"What is it." He eyed me
"My husband is seriously ill and we need to take him to the hospital. We'll pay you. Anything..please."
"Okay. Where is he." He was calmer
"He's inside. We'll need your help to bring him down. Please."
"Okay." He replied and followed us inside.
We got upstairs and to the room. When we got inside, he became a bit reluctant to go in. That was when I noticed what the room looked like.
Empty bottles of beer, broken glasses, blood stains, wet floor. Everything gave a clear picture that there had been a struggle in the room.
And as soon as his eyes landed on Khalil, he scurried out. I tried to stop him but he didn't stop until he got to his vehicle.
"Please don't leave..we really.." He was gone
Ya Allah
Why didn't I learn how to drive
When I went back inside, I met Fatma above his head with a bottle of water in her hand.
Groans, winces, pants, heavy breaths
"Heyy." I rushed to them
Yes. I should be able to do something before we get him to the hospital.
"Fatma." I called while I dusted the bed and rearranged it hurriedly
"Help clean up the mess while I take care of his bleeding. It's not a serious one so I can use the FAK for now." I glanced her way and she nodded.
With a little difficulty, I helped him unto the bed and got the kit while Fatma cleaned the room.
"What..What happened. I'm really.." Khalil began to talk but stopped halfway when he felt the thick liquid around his temple.
"What's this .." He tried to sit up but I stopped him.
"Calm down, let me take care of it." I smiled briefly and began to clean his wound.
"What happened?" He asked, a little calm. His bloodshot eyes made me worry.
"Nothing serious. You had too much to drink and got into an accident." I smiled to myself. He might not remember, maybe never.
He sighed and went quiet.
•••••••
"I'm not seeing a therapist. There's nothing wrong with me." He argued and made to leave the room but I stepped in front of him
"Leave my way Deena." He was agitated
"Did you say there's nothing wrong with you?" I looked into his eyes and he looked away
"Nothing's wrong with me. Now leave my way." His frown deepened
"What if I don't?" I wasn't too sure it was a good idea.
What if he becomes violent..
"I'm warning you. I can't tolerate this any longer. Just. Leave my. Way." He gritted
"Will you hit me if I don't? Or will you break down and call yourself a coward because a lady has the guts to dare you?" He glared at me for a moment, then looked away
Last week, when I had come here to meet him unconscious and given him the first aid treatment before we finally got one of our neighbours to drive us to the hospital, we had returned in the night around 9:00pm with painkillers and antibiotics. Since then, he hadn't been in the right mood. He'd either locked himself up in the bathroom or left his meals untouched, though he couldn't recall the incidence yet. Sometimes, he'd just break down and belittle himself. He'd called himself a coward and hit the wall with his fist a couple of times. I was tired, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Of course, why won't you have the guts to look me in the eyes and say these things. You too, regard me as a coward." He exhaled noisily as he rubbed his palms angrily. He looked hurt
I had decided, that the next time Hanif met with him, he'd have to apologise for his last behaviour. I really felt bad for him
"You aren't a coward unless you refuse to face your fears. C'mon man, it's just help you're seeking. I'm sure it won't take long to recover. Please." I said, with the hope that that would do the trick
"When is the first meeting." He gave me the defeated look.
Woah
That was fast
I had booked an appointment for him online. It was a foreign psychologist who happened to be a staff of the hospital he used to work for back in England.
"Tonight..by 9:00pm." I struggled not to look as exited as I really was
"Okay." He said and left the room.
Just as I was about to leave the room for a drink, my phone began to ring.
"Well done. You're back to your lovey life and have forgotten about us." Neenah's voice came through
"Haba Neen. You know he's not feeling fine so I'm a bit occupied. How's my Yaya?"
"He's fine o. What are you doing?"
"Me? Nothing o. You?"
"I'm waiting for one TV program. It's interesting Wallahi."
"Hh. What's it about?"
"I don't know o. But try watching..I'm sure you'll like it."
Eyeroll
"LOL..which channel?"
"Find out for yourself." She sassed
Ha'an
"See this girl o. Tell me something joor."
"When you're not returning my vibe."
"Ahh. Sorry, I'm just a bit off lately. Oya tell me about it."
"Just check. It's on AIT..2-2:30pm."
"Aww. You sound cute when you're angry. TTYL." I hung up with a chuckle
Neenah would always be Neenah. She hated it when her vibe wasn't reciprocated.
I went downstairs and switched on the giant plasma tv on the wall, then sat opposite it. I changed the channel to "AIT" and waited for the program to start. It was just 1:35pm.
After the 25 minutes wait, the program finally started.
The Voice of Us: 365days
This program is presented as a wake up call to everyone and all rights are reserved to the sponsor and director. Enjoy
A short play began, like a drama. From the previous episode showed, a young man had a heated argument with his father and out of anger, he'd stabbed him to death but unfortunately for him, his mother caught him and began to wail.
2:34am
"Hey hey. I'm sure you don't want to join him, yeah?"
"Just kill me. I want to follow him." She wailed in the middle of the night
"Shut up. The neighbours will hear you." He hushed. He was obviously scared of being caught
2:50am
"Kill me. Stab me too. I regret giving birth to you. I should have sat on your face the very day I bro.." She couldn't finish, because he stabbed her severally in the chest and in no time, she was gone.
Huh!?
Is this even possible
He packed a few things in a backpack and left the house.
His thoughts: what if they suspect me? I really shouldn't leave their bodies like that.
So he went back to the house and got something like a shovel and began to dig a giant hole at their backyard.
3:49am
He was done. He'd gotten his parents into the hole and covered them up with the sand. He levelled the ground and went back inside to clean the blood stains and make everything look normal.
3:56am
He got more money from his mother's large pot and left hurriedly. He didn't forget to lock the house. He walked in the quiet streets and it looked like he knew where to head to
His thoughts: They deserved it, they deserved to die. I have never gotten what I deserve. Stupid bastards!
4:05am
The woman neighbour who had heard the wails earlier, told her husband that she'd heard screams and wails in the middle of the night but she couldn't talk because she had the impression that it was robbery and the husband chided her that that was wrong since they were neighbours and they could have helped. He went to house next to him and asked if everything was okay, but he got weird looks from the woman before she told him everything was fine. She was even annoyed that he came that early with stupid questions.
Now he was sure that it was their right side neighbour so he went there hurriedly and knocked. He said salam a couple of times before he noticed that the door was locked. He wondered where they could have gone that early. With a shrug, he left for his morning prayers after he'd concluded that his wife just had a dream.
4:15am
The guy who had killed his parents was at a motor park.
He's running away!
The program ended just there and I sighed. I would definitely be in front of the TV tomorrow. I wanted to know how Karma would deal with him.
When I went online, I opened Neenah's message on WhatsApp. She'd sent me a photo of her acceptance letter for internship in a private hospital and she was to report within 72hours.
Masha Allah
Me: "Iyye sweetheart. I'm proud of you🌚🌚"
Neen: "See this one. When are you applying anyway?😏"
Apply to the same hospital please😁😁
I had thought of school too, but I didn't know how to bring that up now, especially with late incidences. I needed to be well prepared to further my education. I had like two good years to spend in school before I'd be a certified doctor.
Me: I really don't know
I don't know how to bring it up🤧
And how he'll take it
Neen: "Just talk to him. I'm sure he'll support you.
Besides he's a doctor too, right."
Me: "Right. I'll try"
Neen: "Do please. Lemme run
My baby will be back any minute
Me: "Shameless girl😒"
Neen: "😹😹💚"
Later
Oh God
How did I forget to lunch
Today, I would lunch without Fatma because would be late from school. She'd told me she had a project to submit and usually, Khalil hardly had his lunch at home.
I served myself a bowl of yam porridge with smoked salmon and ate then went back upstairs to nap.
When Fatma returned, she had her lunch and hurriedly left for her Islamic School while I went to the kitchen to make supper.
I boiled water for tea and made applesauce which we'd use on bread.
Khalil returned right after Fatma and so we had supper together. Fatma left for her room and I got the chance to try my luck.
"You did well. Who'd know this is your first..." He had been the one to teach me how to prepare applesauce, though not practically.
Since after he recovered fully, since after his therapy sessions ended, we'd been in good terms, like two best friends.
He'd taught me a lot of things and we'd had good times together. He was more playful and jovial so the house was lively whenever he was around.
But he'd gotten a job in a private hospital recently and his shift usually ended around four so whenever he returned home, he was either too tired or had some work to do on his laptop.
"All thanks to you." I smiled proudly and he returned the smile
"Uhm...Can we talk?" I asked nervously
"Yes? About what?" He looked up from his phone.
"I really wanna go back to school. I..want to further." I bit my lower lip
"Huh?" He dropped the phone
"Uhm. Internship." I wasn't comfortable under his gaze. What would his reply be
"Internship. That's two years?" He asked, as if to be sure
"Yes." Silent prayers..silent prayers
"Okay. I'll see to that." He picked his phone and left
I'll see to that..MOUTH TWIST
hmm!
And since that day, whenever I reminded him, he had a way to change the topic. I got fed up and decided to let it be, but now I was really sick of it. I was always indoors, with nothing serious to do, except for the TV program. It was the only thing I found fun.
The guy who had murdered his parents had left to a city and made new friends. He'd even made a small dirty hustle from the money he'd stollen from them. He sold drugs and engaged in petty thefts until he met some big man who offered to help him.
I couldn't wait for the next episode. I had it in mind that this man would make his life miserable or maybe his wife. I just knew he had to pay for his evil deeds. Karma was there.
This morning, I met Khalil on the kitchen counter. He was busy on his laptop. He said he had a report to prepare before he went work, so he wanted to at least go halfway before he'd leave for work. So I saw this as a chance. Since he was busy, he'd say yes if I pestered him a little.
"Please don't say no this time. I'm really tired of sitting idle. Please." I pleaded after I had repeated my request for the millionth time.
It seemed like he'd finished, because he shut the laptop and moved it aside, then poured himself a glass of water and sat back.
"On one condition." He looked serious
Condition..
"Condition? Be nice please." I made a puppy face
"You'll get a psychological help." He took a sip, as if there was some entertainment in front of him
"Huh? Why?" I asked with a little frown
"You...need help..." He said hesitantly
"How?" I furrowed my brows
"You're likely suffering from anxiety disorder and maybe OCD." He dropped the glass and relaxed in the black plastic chair which was opposite the one I sat
OCD
Wasn't OCD like a disorder characterised by unreasonable thoughts and fears? Did I have compulsive behaviours?
"I'm fine..as you can see." I frowned
This was his way, he definitely didn't want me to complete my education.
"So, are you telling me that you're ready to..make babies?" He looked into my eyes
Gaaaaassspppp
"You're not answering."
"What's that got to do with my request?"
"I'll let you go back to school only if we can make babies." He said with a smirk and exited the room.
Make babies
Getting intimate?
Uhhh
I went to the room and slumped into the bed as I went into a deep thought. The incidence. I got a flashback
I remembered the day we wanted to go pick Fatma up and one thing led to another.
Ya Allah
Everything flashed back. And God, I felt bad.
Who knows what he's been going through..
I pray he doesn't get sick
I got emotional and just burst into tears. He was the cause of it all
Uncle Habeeb, he'd ruined my life.
I cried my eyes out till I fell asleep and when I woke up around noon, my eyes were puffy.
Urghh
I freshened up and went downstairs to take one of my favourite bowls, that could lift my mood a little.
Khalil always had the fridge stuffed with yoghurt, not like he ever took so I had them all to myself. Fatma was never a fan.
So now, I'll have to
When he returned in the evening , he met me and Fatma on the dining table.
"Peace be unto you."
"Peace be unto you too." He is both answered
"Welcome back Ya-Kay."
"Thank you." He glanced my way
"Welcome back." I gave a guilty smile
"Aha. What are you guys doing?"
"She's helping me with my assignment." She grinned
"Hmm. So you've gotten a new helper a d have forgotten about me now, Mhm?"
"You don't have time for me like you used to. Hence I asked her to help."
"Is that so?"
We ate supper and he left for prayers while we prepared to pray at home.
Fatma always went to bed very early so she went to her room after the prayers while I took a bath and changed into a light nightie.
I picked up my phone and went online.
Me: Hey Girl
Neen: Babe, what's up
Me: Fine
Neen: Means you're not fine
What's wrong?
Neenah
Me: Uhm. It's just headache
I'll go to sleep now. Gn
The guilt was there. I really felt bad about everything.
Neenah's call came in, just as I was about to go to sleep. I picked up on the second ring.
"You'll not talk bah. You want to die on your own."
"Neenah, you'll not understand. I.. I just.." I sighed and went quiet
"Even if I won't understand. At least you'll lighten your heart by sharing. So, I'm here."
Neenah was like that. No matter how much I pushed her away, she'd insist.
"Neenah. I feel bad Neenah." I burst into tears again
"Say it all out. Pour it out."
"I feel bad. All this while..that I've been married to him, we've never been intimate. And..it's my fault. I feel so bad. I don't know how he feels. He must have been struggling. I.. He seems a little desperate."
"But..why's that? How are you at fault?"
"I don't want to talk about it now.. It's quite complicated."
"I understand. Just..try to take your mind off it and get some rest. I'll come see you tomorrow."
"Okay. Thanks a lot."
"Anytime babe. Sleep well." She hung up
I left the bed to wash my face in the bathroom and when I came out, I met Khalil on the bed. His expression was unreadable
"Welcome back." I forced a smile and laid on my right side
That was the sunnah of the prophet SAW, to lie on the right side whenever he went to sleep.
"Have you been crying?"
"Huh?"
"Why are your eyes like that?"
"Uhm..I got dust into them while..." He cut me off
"You aren't good at it."
"At what?"
"Telling lies." He came to sit on the bedside drawer on my side
"What made you cry?" He still had the null expression
"Uhm..I just..I had headache, but I'm fine now." I flashed a quick smile
"Fatima. I thought we were friends?" He said and I looked up to meet his gaze
"You can tell your friend anything but you tell me you're fine."
Huh?
Friend?
Did he listen to us talking..?
"Friend?"
"It's okay if you don't want to open up. But really, don't feel bad about anything. I mean, it's not your fault and really I'm not that desperate. I can wait till you're ready." He gave a crooked smile
If my calculations are right
If the analysis I just took Are right
He..heard us!!
"Don't stress over it. Rest well." He put off the lights but didn't lie down. Then I heard a click of the bathroom door
This is...
God
Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts
I should apologise at least
For depriving him
I heard the showers and concluded he was in the bath. I quickly got up and used my phone's torch to get a sheet of paper and a pen.
Hey
Really, I had no idea
I was so naive
No no
Not good
I trashed the paper and cut out another
Sorry, I deprived you
I'm ready to
"You aren't sleeping."
Aiishhh
I quickly sneaked the paper and pen under my pillow
"Yes. I just checked the time."
"You really should quit it." He switched on the light and came straight to raise my pillow and take the paper.
Uhm
"Hey. That's mine." I tried to collect it but he raised it above his head.
I got on my toes to reach it but it was way too high
"Just. Give it to me." I pouted in defeat
"Weren't you writing it to me? You aren't done yet?"
Argh
"I was just.."
"So, you're sorry. And.." He gasped dramatically
"You're ready? Woah!"
Ready
Huh
No no no
"Hey no. It's not what you think. Just hand it.."
"Yeah. Have it." He gave it to me with a playful smirk
I trashed it quickly and went back to bed while he prepared himself for sleep.
He put out the lights and joined me.
"Are you okay?"
"Uhm yes."
"You aren't. About that, don't feel sorry. I'm really not bothered."
Hmm
"Are you..really ready? Can we try..again?"
"Uhm..that's not what I was trying to write. I meant..I'm ready to seek help."
"Oh." He sounded a little disappointed
"But.." we said in unison
"You first." He said
"Nothing." I sighed
"Come to me." He nudged me
Huh