Dean worried more for Cas as the days passed. He hadn't quite recovered from running Jess down to the hospital, and Dean found him checking the appliances and lights before bed more often. He was going out less, and his sleeping pattern had been thrown out, his nights were short, and he started napping during the day again.
Dean did his best to try to cheer Cas up, but Cas grew more quiet and withdrawn.
On one of his early mornings, Dean woke alone. A strange occurrence in itself, but even stranger was Cas standing in the kitchen, staring through the window with a cup of coffee. If he was doing any staring, it was usually out of the dining room window, where there was a view, and with his brush in hand.
'You're up early,' Dean smiled, but Cas didn't respond, so Dean set about making his own coffee. 'What are you looking at?'
It took Cas a moment and a sip of coffee, then blinked at Dean. 'I think we should get rid of my car.'
Dean's eyebrows shot up. 'How come?'
'I shouldn't be driving. It's too dangerous.'
'What's brought this on?'
'I should have called a cab when Jess went into labour. I was still weak, I could have... I could have really hurt them if I lost control.'
'Cas, come on, the nearest cab company is all the way in town. It would have had to come all the way here and back again. You never would have made it.'
'Then I should have waited for you or Sam, and helped Jess in the house.'
'You're being way too hard on yourself.'
'It doesn't matter. I don't think I should have it.'
Dean sipped his coffee, looking at the dark circles around Cas's eyes.
Jess and Sam had brought the baby over to visit a few times, and each time he held her, Dean could see the love in Cas's eyes, but he could also see how much it pained him. Dean too felt the ache to have a family of their own, and he wanted more than anything to give it to Cas. He loved the way Cas's face lit up when he saw Mary, and soft way he spoke to her. Sometimes he sang quietly, in his low, gravelly voice, but he was always left slightly hollow when Sam took Jess and Mary home.
'Are you sure?' Dean said, looking out at Cas's car, though he already knew the answer. If Cas thought something was a threat to the baby, he would get rid of it, no question. They had already lost all the candles in the living room.
'Yes.'
'All right. I'll find someone to take it,' Dean said reluctantly. 'You should clear your stuff out of it.'
'It's all right,' Cas said quietly. 'I'm not as attached to my car as you are to yours.'
Dean shrugged.
'Besides, I seem to remember that I always preferred my bicycle.'
Dean's mouth twitched and he relaxed. 'All right,' he said more sincerely this time. He looked at Cas's tired face again. 'Nightmares again? I didn't hear you get up.'
'I didn't really sleep.'
Dean's brow furrowed as Cas took another sip. 'Cas, we gotta talk about something.'
'It's getting worse again,' Cas murmured. 'I know. I'm working on it with Penny.'
'Do you think might need your meds adjusting?'
'Maybe.'
'I'll make you an appointment.'
'Thanks.'
Dean got himself ready for work, throwing his jacket over his shoulders. Cas didn't move from the kitchen the whole time.
'Sure you're okay?' Dean asked. 'Do you want me to stay?'
Cas shook his head, but grabbed Dean's arm. 'I'm scared,' he whispered, 'but I don't know what of.'
'Do you think it's this thing you can't remember? About Gabriel?'
'I think it is.'
'Is it bad?'
Cas hesitated. 'Penny thinks - Penny thinks it might be the - the first time I - the first time it was bad.'
Dean put an arm around Cas's shoulder.
'I don't know if I want to remember that.'
'It'll be okay,' Dean said. 'Maybe you won't remember, but if you do, we'll be ready for it.'
Cas sighed and put down his coffee. He scrubbed his face with his hands.
'Are you sure you don't want me to stay?'
'It's fine. You should go to work.'
'Well, if you're sure... Call me if you need anything.'
'I will.'
Dean was reluctant to leave, torn between wanting to take care of Cas and wanting to help him keep up his routine. In the end, he decided the latter was more important. It kept Cas grounded, and he would need that if he did happen to remember.
Dean did as he promised and got Cas an appointment with the doctor and have his meds reviewed. He had some doses upped and others lowered, but the doctor thought it might help him sleep better.
It didn't really help much with Cas's sleeping, but it did lessen the nightmares, putting him in better moods in the mornings.
Dean smiled at Cas whenever he found him reading, or painting, or doing anything besides laying down, staring at the ceiling. He didn't bother even trying to hide his longing, and how much he wanted to be with Cas again, but he kept his distance. He knew Cas was worried, and he didn't know what he could say to make him feel better about the situation.
Dean's meetings were the same, but he admitted when he needed help more often now.
He got called on by the chair more often too.
'Would you like to speak today, Dean?' he would say.
Dean would lean forward, breathe deeply through his nose and say, 'Yeah. Hey, everyone, my name's Dean and I'm an alcoholic.' He got the usual 'Hello, Dean' chorus back.
'How are you doing today, Dean?' the chair asked.
They could all tell when Dean was having a bad day, so he wasn't surprised when he was called on, when Cas had woken up screaming from his nightmares that morning.
'Not so great today,' he told them. 'My husband is getting sick again, I think. It's hard, 'cause there's not much I can do about it.'
'How hard is it hitting you today?'
'Today? Well, I was driving past the store earlier, and I got to thinking how I could really go for a beer, and I sure was tempted, but I kept on driving. So yeah, that's how it's hitting me today.'
'How did you fight it?' one of the women gathered asked. She was new to the program, Dean remembered. Only a month or so in.
'I kept him in my mind. Last time I fell off, it really messed him up, and I can't do that to him again. I don't think he'd be able to recover if I did. You know, I can get pretty mean when I drink, so... But even then, we haven't been - intimate - in a long time, so thinking about him isn't much better. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of a tough spot at the moment.'
'We're here to support you, Dean, and you can always come to more meetings.'
'I'll be all right. I've got my sponsor if it gets worse.'
'All right, Dean, thank you for sharing.'
Dean sighed and leaned back in his seat. He had been ready for it to be this difficult when he collected Cas from the hospital, but it was taking its toll.
'Maybe you guys should go on a vacation,' Sam suggested, when they met up for coffee one day.
'I don't know if he can handle that.'
'I think you need to cut him some slack,' Sam said. 'Sure, he's having a rough patch, but he's more capable than you think. He got Jess to the hospital okay, didn't he? And he takes care of Hoagie just fine.'
'I'll think about it,' Dean said. 'We'll see how he goes with these adjustments.'
When Dean drove home that day, he pulled into the driveway and found Cas in front of the house with his old bicycle, covered in grease up to his elbows. Dean parked the car and got out, frowning.
'What are you doing with that?' he asked.
'I'm fixing it,' Cas told him, slowly turning the pedals to check the chain. 'I found the manual in your garage.'
'You need any help?'
'No, I think I've got it. The gears seem to turn fine. All I need to do now is put the basket back on, so Hoagie can come with me.'
'All right,' Dean smiled. 'I'll put on some coffee.'
Dean was lighter as he went into the kitchen. Perhaps it was just a minor bump after all, if Cas was looking for more ways to get around. Dean hadn't wanted to sell Cas's car, but if he was going back to his bike, then maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Cas still woke early in the mornings, but he started taking the opportunity to paint sunrises and morning birds.
Dean walked in to check on him one early morning, running his hands through his hair and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
'Good morning, Dean,' said Cas.
'Mornin',' Dean mumbled, squinting at the painting. He recognised the bird.
'It's a blue jay,' Cas told him. 'Your favourite, right?'
'Yeah.' Dean went over and stroked Cas's hair. 'I might be a little late home tonight, we've got one of the important guys with his fancy car in today.'
'All right. Have a good day.'
'Thanks.'
Dean left the house with his coffee in a travel mug, so he could get to the garage nice and early, and check they had the right parts in stock.
He'd always enjoyed his work as a mechanic. It took his mind off things, and gave him something to do with his hands. He had his own corner of the shop, just off the main one, where he worked on the fancier cars in his own space.
He was really into it that afternoon, welding underneath the car he was working on, when a shout went up in the main shop.
'Whoa, whoa, whoa!' someone yelled, and all work ceased. 'Dean, get out here!'
Dean frowned and pulled himself out from under the car. 'What do you want, Andy?' Dean yelled back. Then he heard a bark. 'Hoagie?' Dean wiped his hands and hurried out.
There, standing in the doorway, was Cas, with Hoagie frantically hopping about his legs. Hoagie didn't have on his leash, or his vest.
Dean ran over and put his hands on Cas's shoulders. Cas's expression was vacant, staring right through Dean.
'Cas, wake up,' Dean said, moving his hand up Cas's neck. 'Come on, man, what's wrong?'
Cas didn't respond, barley even blinking.
'Should we call someone?' Andy, Dean's red-haired manager asked.
'Give him a minute,' said Dean. 'How did you get here?' he asked, trying to wake Cas up. 'Don't tell me you walked, that's like an hour.' Dean glanced down at Cas's feet, and saw nothing on them, but flecks of blood and dirt. Dean gasped. 'Okay, baby, you gotta snap out of it, come on.' He cupped Cas's face in his hands. 'Come on, Cas, I'm right here.'
At last Cas blinked, and looked at Dean instead of through him. 'Dean?' he mumbled. 'What are you doing here, don't you have work?'
'Don't panic,' Dean said quietly. 'Okay, just stay calm, everything's okay.'
Cas looked around, and his eyes grew wide and fearful. 'Wh- where am I? What's going on?' He seemed to suddenly feel the pain in his feet as well, and bent over. 'Dean - what - how did I get here?'
'Uh, sleepwalking.'
Cas stared at him in disbelief. 'Sleepwalking?'
'Yeah.'
'I walked for an hour, barefoot, in my sleep?' He hissed through his teeth. 'My feet,' he groaned.
'Someone get a chair?' Dean shouted over his shoulder. Dean sat Cas down in the chair someone passed to him.
'I don't like this, Dean,' Cas said, clutching the chair. 'I don't like it.'
'Shh, it's okay, just breathe.' Dean threw his keys to Andy. 'Bring my car around, will you?'
'Sure.'
Cas looked around in confusion, and Dean could see the panic rising in him. 'I don't understand, I don't - I don't remember going to sleep.'
'I don't think anyone remembers actually going to sleep,' Dean said reassuringly.
Cas shook his head, struggling to control himself.
'Let's just get you home and have a look at those feet, okay?'
'Okay.' Cas gingerly went over to the car, wincing at every step.
Dean put Hoagie in the back and climbed in next to Cas. 'I'll make you a nice cup of hot chocolate when we get back,' Dean said as he started the car. He could feel Cas shaking through the seat.
He hastily parked the car outside the house and went with Cas to the door. 'You get yourself sat down at the table, I just gotta get some supplies.'
'Don't be long.'
'I won't.' He watched Cas limp inside and quickly called Penny. 'Listen, I need you to come down here and do an assessment,' he said to her. 'Something's wrong with Cas, I-' He was cut off by a scream from inside the house. 'You gotta get here, please,' he said, before hanging up and running inside. 'Cas?' he called. He stopped in the doorway of the dining room. Cas was under the table, with his head between his legs, rocking erratically.
On Cas's easel was a painting of a plain white door, with a bloody handprint splashed across it.
'What the - Cas, what is this?'
Cas groaned. 'Get rid of it,' he said, his voice hitching and muffled by his knees. 'Please, please, take it away.'
'Okay, it's gone,' Dean said, taking it down and throwing it into the kitchen. 'Can you come out from there?' he asked, kneeling next to the table.
Cas shook his head, briefly glancing at Dean with red eyes and wet streaks down his face.
'What is it?' Dean asked gently.
Cas groaned again. 'No, no, no,' he mumbled. 'I can't, don't make me.'
'No one's making you do anything.'
Cas put his hands against the table. 'Let me out,' he muttered, 'let me out.'
Dean frowned. 'You can come out anytime. Are you stuck?'
Cas slammed his hand against the underside of the table. 'Where are you, Gabriel?' he shouted, his eyes darting around wildly. 'Let me out.'
Dean's heart sunk. 'Are you seeing Gabriel again?'
Cas dissolved into frantic crying and smacking his hands against the table.
'It's okay, Cas,' Dean choked, taking one of his hands. Seeing Cas this way broke his heart. 'Can you hear me?'
Cas struggled against whatever it was that was happening to him, and squeezed Dean's hand.
'You're safe,' Dean said, kissing Cas's hand. 'I've got you, I'm right here.'
'Will you get Gabriel for me? I need him.'
Dean swallowed painfully past the lump in his throat. 'I think he's out right now. You know how he can be.'
Cas tugged at his clothes. 'I can't-'
There was a knock at the front door, and Hoagie barked, his ears pricked up.
Dean made to stand, but Cas clutched at him.
'Don't go.'
'I just gotta let Penny in, okay? I'll be right back.'
'Please don't go,' Cas said desperately.
'I'll be two seconds, okay? Two seconds.' He pulled himself away and wiped his eyes, hurrying around to the side door.
'What happened?' Penny asked as soon as the door was opened.
'I don't know exactly,' Dean told her, leading her through the utility room. 'He showed up at my work, but he walked there without any shoes or anything, and he didn't even know he did it. It was like he was in some kind of trance or something. He's scared of that,' he said, pointing at the painting lying on the kitchen floor.
Penny frowned at it. 'He's been dreaming about that door.'
'He has?'
'Yeah, I think I have an idea of what this is. Where is he?'
'Under the table in there.'
Penny crawled under the table, while Dean paced up and down the room.
'Hey, Cas,' Penny said gently. 'Can you hear me?'
'Yes.'
'I'm just going to ask you some questions, okay?'
'All right.'
'Do you know who I am?'
'You're Penny.'
'Good. How old are you, Cas?'
'I'm fifteen.'
Dean stopped.
'No - no, I'm thirty - thirty-seven. I'm thirty-seven.'
'Excellent, Cas,' Penny said encouragingly. 'Okay, can you see anyone in this room besides me, Dean and Hoagie?'
'No.'
'Can you hear anyone else?'
'No.'
'Where are you right now?'
'I - I -'
Dean heard Cas's breathing quicken again.
'Cas?'
'I'm stuck. I can't get out.'
'All right, Cas, can you look around and tell me. Five things you can see?'
Dean knelt down next to the table to see Cas looking around.
'I can - I can see Hoagie. I can see the chair legs and the cushions on that chair. I can see the bottom of the curtains with the flowers. I can see the bottom of this table.'
'That's great. What are four things you can hear?'
'The clock on the wall,' Cas said, leaning back against the table leg. 'Birds outside. Your purse rattles, I think your keys are inside.'
'Three things you can touch?'
'Carpet,' Cas said, running his hands over the floor, then over Hoagie's fur. 'Hoagie. Dean.' He reached out and Dean took his hand.
'All right, and two things you can smell?'
'I can smell Dean's cologne and - and motor oil.'
'That's me, sorry,' said Dean.
'Okay, we're all going to take a deep breath,' said Penny. 'Ready?'
The three of them took a long breath through the nose, and slowly let it out.
'Better?' Penny asked Cas.
Cas nodded and Dean loosened some of the tension in his shoulders.
'Do you think you can come out from under here?'
Cas shook his head vigorously. 'Not yet.'
Penny glanced at Dean. 'Okay, Cas, I've got some more questions, and these are going to be a little more difficult.'
'Okay.'
Penny shifted herself into a more comfortable position. 'What does the door mean, Cas?'
Cas bit his lip, tearing up again. 'Don't be mad,' he said to Dean, squeezing his hand tightly. 'I didn't tell you, I don't know why - please don't be mad.'
'I'm not gonna be mad,' Dean said, kissing Cas's hand. 'I promise.'
Cas looked at both of them, then back down at his knees. 'I - I - when my father disappeared, and I started getting my first symptoms, Gabriel - Gabriel panicked. I got worse, and he didn't know what to do.'
'He didn't take you to a hospital?' Penny asked.
Cas shook his head. 'He was worried that we would be separated by child services if they found out that we were alone. He wasn't old enough to be my legal guardian at the time. So when - so when-'
'Take your time,' Penny said gently.
'I climbed up on the roof. My father's voice told me all I needed to do to find him was fly, and I-'
'You jumped?' Dean gasped.
'No,' said Cas. 'Gabriel grabbed me before I could, but it really scared him, so he - so he - he locked me in my room so I couldn't get out, or go anywhere.'
Dean rubbed the back of Cas's hand with his thumb.
'Dean, I - I'm sorry, I lied to you. I told you it wasn't that bad, but I - the voices told me to do things... I ran into roads, onto train tracks... I'm sorry I didn't tell you.'
Dean just squeezed Cas's hand. 'It's okay,' he said hoarsely.
Penny cleared her throat, and adjusted her glasses. 'And what- what's the handprint?'
'Well,' Cas said, his voice cracking and chin trembling. 'I couldn't get out and the voices - they were - terrifying. I wanted to get away, so I kept hitting the door to try and smash it open.' He rubbed a small scar on his right hand. 'I caught my hand on a splinter in the wood... got it all over the door...'
'You told me that was from a time you fell out of a tree,' was the only thing Dean could say.
'It wasn't Gabriel's fault,' Cas insisted.
'I know.'
'He - he was young, he didn't know what else to do.'
'It's all right, I'm not mad at Gabriel. I'm not mad at you either.'
Penny nodded. 'How long did this go on for?' she asked.
'About a week and a half, I think. Sometimes Gabriel would sit outside my door and talk to me, and eventually the voices just... faded, I suppose.'
'That fits your diagnosis,' Penny said.
Cas closed his eyes. He looked so tired.
'Is that everything you need, Penny?' Dean asked.
'I think so. You're sure you haven't seen or heard anything odd today?'
Cas nodded, pressing a hand to his forehead. 'I think I want to come out now.'
The three of them and Hoagie crawled out from under the table, and Dean helped Cas into a chair, propping his feet on another. 'I'll be right back,' he whispered into Cas's hair. 'I'll just see Penny out.' He walked Penny back through the kitchen.
'You don't think he needs to go in?' Dean asked.
'No, I shouldn't think so. He's not experiencing any psychosis at the moment.'
'I - what am I missing here? He walked for an hour and has no memory of it.'
'I'm of the opinion that he entered a disassociative state when he finished that painting, which I think you should get rid of. It was a traumatic event, and it sounds like it was an automatic response to protect himself.'
'And what about after that?'
'It's not uncommon for amnesia patients to suffer flashbacks, particularly trauma related.'
'All right, well, do you think it'll happen again?'
'I won't rule it out, but I think it's unlikely.'
'What makes you say that?'
Penny hesitated, carefully thinking out her response. 'During our sessions, I identified a possible incident with Cas, and as far as we can tell, that's the only event we could come up with that he didn't already remember, or was already aware of.'
Dean nodded. 'Okay, what should I do now? What does he need?'
'Sleep,' Penny said. 'If you can, I would take a couple of days. He might be a little jumpy for a while, and make sure he eats.'
Dean sighed. 'All right. Thank you so much for coming over, I really appreciate it.'
'You're welcome. And get rid of that painting.'
Dean saw her out of the door, and went back to the kitchen. He put his foot through the canvas, destroying the painting, then went through to the bathroom to get Cas's medical supplies and a bowl of warm water.
Cas was still at the table, resting his head against the wood.
Dean put the box of supplies and the bowl on the table, then shifted Cas's feet onto his lap, so he could sit down. 'They don't look too bad,' Dean said encouragingly. 'We'll just clean them and wrap 'em up, and that should do it.'
'Mmh.'
Dean let Cas sit in silence as he gently washed Cas's feet in the water. Cas flinched whenever Dean pressed the cloth, and Dean grimaced, but the blood and dirt started to clear. He had to use tweezers to pull out a few small bits of gravel and glass, but when he was done, he could see the ragged cuts on the soles of Cas's feet. They weren't deep, so Dean was happy to carefully pat them dry. 'This is going to sting,' he said, shaking the bottle of neosporin. Cas grunted as Dean sprayed it on, but he kept himself still. Then Dean pressed some gauze onto the more heavily scraped areas, and wrapped both feet in bandages. 'Much better.'
Cas still had his head against the table, face hidden by his arm.
'You want something for the pain?'
Cas nodded.
Dean passed him some Tylenol, and watched him take it. 'How you doing?'
Cas sniffed. 'I've been better,' he mumbled. 'Oh, Dean, you had that important client today, I'm so sorry.'
'Hey, don't you worry about him, he knows I'm the best, he'll wait.' Dean smiled, but Cas's shoulders began to shake. 'Hey, hey, don't cry,' he said, shuffling closer and bundling Cas in his arms. 'I know it was scary, but you're gonna be just fine. Penny said so.'
'She-she did?'
'Absolutely.' Dean rubbed Cas's back while he caught his breath. 'You know what I think?'
'What?'
'I think we should go on vacation.'
'W-what? Really?'
'Sure!'
'All right. Where do you want to go?'
'I was thinkin' somewhere warm and sunny. We'd get a hotel with a pool, and a good view... Hawaii maybe. We could start the albums again, too. What do you say?'
'We can't go to Hawaii, you're afraid of flying.'
'Come on, we'll drive up to Seattle and get a flight from there. It'll be, what, five hours on the plane? I can do that.'
'It- it sounds lovely, Dean.'
'Awesome!'
'But - but what about Hoagie? What if I have a seizure on the plane? What-'
'Don't you worry about it, Sam and I will work everything out,' Dean interrupted. 'You deserve this, let me do it.'
Cas finally gave him a small smile. 'All right, Dean. I trust you.'