It surprises me how much I love Troy.
I never used to believe in love. It seemed like a dream, a fairy-tale.
My mind has changed since then, and it scares me.
It's hard for me to not be with Troy. Even if it's five minutes, I miss him.
My mind, my heart aches for his presence.
I'm laying on my bed, thinking. That's all I've been doing lately.
How did I start to get friends? Do they feel sorry for me?
Is Troy just with me because of my horrible past?
This is why I don't like to be alone. My mind starts to wonder, just thinking.
So I sit here, waiting for Troy so my mind comes back into place; come back to a place where I'm happy.
I curl up into a ball wanting to disappear.
Closing my eyes, I dream.
+++++++++++++++
My heart races. I'm running. My mind can't comprehend why I'm running. All I know is that I have to keep running. My breathing is getting heavy.
I
can't
breath.
I don't know if I'm screaming.
"Carolina--Carolina-wake up." Someone shakes me.
My body is jerking.
My eyes shoot open.
I flinch at Troy.
Water fills my eyes. Why? Why am I crying?
"Hey," Troy softly says, "it was only a dream."
Troy pulls me closer to him.
I'm shaking.
"It's okay. I'm here." Troy whispers into my ear.
I nod.
We stay like this for what it seems like hours.
"What happened?" He asked.
I sigh and take a deep breath.
"Nothing." I mumble.
"Don't lie to me, Carolina. I know somethings wrong." Troy says.
"I don't want you to worry about me." I say and look into his eyes.
So
so
beautiful
eyes.
"You're making me worry about you more now that your not telling me." He simply says.
I should tell him.
"Well I never told you this but I think I have something wrong with me. When I'm alone, in my own thoughts, it's-it's.." I trail off.
"It's what?" Troy asked.
"It's torture. The nightmares that were real come into my mind flooding my brain making want to just disappear," I close my eyes to tell this part, "I miss you like crazy when I'm not with you."
Troy stays silent letting me speak, but I'm done talking..for now.
"I miss you like crazy too. I constantly look at the clock at practice, wanting to call you to make sure you are okay. I love you so much." He says and breaths.
I snuggle closer to him, feeling safe and warm.
"I talk to my coach about something." Troy softly says into my ear.
"About what?" I question.
"Well he said that you can come to my practices and watch." He said excitedly.
"Really?" I suddenly feel a pain of joy.
I look up at him. He nods.
I smile a giant grin.
"Carolina! Please come down here." My mom yells to me.
Troy and I make our way down to the living room.
My mom stops me once I try to go into the room.
"What's going on?" I ask.
She looks guilty. What did she do.
"Mom?" My voice comes out weaker than it should.
"Please be understanding." Is all she says.
My heart picks up it's rate.
She takes my hand, which I pull back and take Troy's hand.
He is the only one who makes me feel safe, special even.
I slowly follow my mom into the living room.
I stop my tracks. My whole body goes numb. I nearly fall to the ground. My legs no longer know how to work.
Troy wraps his arm around me. I feel him becoming into his protective mood.
Sitting on my couch, looking at me in guiltiness and horror is Bea.
"What-what is she doing here." I croak out.
My throat is raw.
I'm gasping for air.
"Let me explain-" My mom says but I cut her off.
"No!" I scream and run out of the house.
I can't go back.
Never
again.
Without shoes, I pretty fast.
I gasp for air as I sprint down the road.
I don't know where I'm going but that doesn't matter now.
Nothing matters.
I run for hours without stopping. My legs ache and my lungs burn, but that doesn't stop me.
Finally I stop at the lake where Troy ice skated.
I sit down, more like collapse.
Why didn't my mom tell me?
Why is Bea here again?
She is here is ruin your life again.
The
voice.
No.
All the questions that are thrown around in my head are interrupted by my phone ringing.
Troy.
"Hello." I croak out.
I start to sob.
"Where are you?" He asked calmly.
"Lake." I manage out of my mouth.
"Okay stay there, sweet heart. I'll be there in a minute. I love you." He hangs up.
My knees are brought up to my chest.
I rock back and forth.
Head lights pull up by the lake.
Troy sprints to me.
He picks me up like I'm nothing.
"I'm so sorry." He said.
I can't control my sobs.
"Let me explain everything to you." Troy says softly.
I nod.
He keeps my in his arms.
We reach the car. He puts us in the back seat where he tells me everything.
Bea was at a type of mental place. She seemed okay to come back home so now she's back.
"You're mom says that I can be with you at all times to make sure you're okay. She says Bea's better." He says to me.
This isn't right. it wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Bea was and should still be out of my life. Away from me.
"You're staying at my house tonight." Troy says as he brings me to the passenger seat.
"Okay." I whisper.
He starts the car and drives home.
I look outside of the window. It's pitch black outside.
We pull up to his house.
I follow him into his room.
He hands me one of his shirts and sweatpants.
I change into them and lay on the bed.
Troy comes over and hugs me tightly.
"I will never let anyone hurt you, I promise. You're my everything. I love you so much." Troy whispers into my ear.
My eyes start to get heavy, I fall asleep in Troy's arms.