It took Dean a while to collect himself, with Cas and Hoagie at his side. It was as though a heavy weight had been lifted, and tears streamed down his cheeks from the relief of it.
Cas rubbed his shoulder gently, smiling. Dean's description of the accident had never sat well with him, and now he knew why. Cas pulled Dean closer and rested Dean's head on his shoulder.
Dean bunched his fist in Cas's shirt, and curled up.
Hoagie settled himself in Cas's lap, and they all sat at the side of the road in silence, until the sun began to set, and Dean was ready to drive home.
Over the next few days, whenever Dean was in the house, he walked around with a new spring in his step, whistling and humming as he went.
Cas enjoyed seeing him so happy and relaxed, though he wasn't such a fan of being spun around the kitchen whenever Dean felt like dancing while he was cooking.
Fresh flowers regularly appeared in the vase in the dining room again. Sometimes Cas used them as subjects for his paintings, and sometimes he used Dean himself.
Occasionally, Cas even heard music coming from the spare room, and sometimes from the bedroom too.
He stopped outside the bedroom door to listen one afternoon. Dean was inside playing his guitar and singing. Cas was entranced by it, until it abruptly stopped.
'I know you're out there,' came Dean's voice. 'You can come in, you know.'
Cas opened the door and crept in sheepishly.
Dean was laying with his head at the foot of the bed, his feet up against the headboard, and his guitar across his chest.
'I didn't want to disturb you,' Cas said, kneeling by Dean's head.
Dean smiled at him. 'It's all right.'
'I haven't heard you play much before.'
Dean shrugged. 'I haven't really felt like playing for a while. I'm a little rusty.'
'Will you keep going?'
'Sure.' Dean strummed the guitar, playing a song that Cas didn't recognise.
Cas listened quietly, gazing at Dean, resting his head on the bed.
Dean turned pink, but carried on playing, laughing at Cas slightly as he did so.
'You have a wonderful voice,' Cas said when Dean finished his song.
'Aw, well aren't you sweet,' Dean grinned, sitting up.
'When did you start playing?'
Dean shrugged. 'Sam found this crappy guitar when I was maybe twelve? He wasn't really into it, so I gave it a try.'
'You mean, you taught yourself?'
'Yeah.'
'Wow.'
Dean snorted. 'All right, enough with the googly eyes, it's time to eat.'
After that, Dean started playing out in the dining room, quietly strumming while Cas painted. It made Cas happy during the day, and his paintings took on more lively colours and fluid brush strokes. Dean's music didn't reach his dreams, however, and his nightmares became more intense.
'What do you think it is?' Dean asked one night as they lay in the darkness.
Cas shakily held Dean's hand under the blankets. 'Penny thinks it's something to do with Gabriel,' he whispered. 'It's been happening since I remembered more about him.'
'You think that's true?'
'He's in most of them, so it's quite possible.'
Dean brushed Cas's cheek. 'I wish there was something I could do.'
Cas sighed. 'Unless you happen to know a reason for this, then there's not much you can do.'
Dean just pulled Cas into his chest, and helped him back to sleep.
Cas's art wasn't helping him with his problems as much as he would have liked, so he decided to try and work it off, by hitting the gym harder than he had before. At the very least it made him tired enough to fall asleep quickly at night. His weight training was going well, he thought, and he was getting into a nice routine.
He was putting together his weights, when someone stepped up behind him.
'Hey.'
Cas spun around. 'Dean!' he said delightedly. 'What are you doing here, I thought you had work?'
'It's a slow day. Thought I'd take an hour, come work out,' said Dean, swinging his arms around.
'Oh really?' Cas said, not failing to notice Dean's eyes travelling over him in his workout clothes. Cas couldn't pretend he didn't do the same. Dean looked very good in his, highlighting him in all the right places. 'I thought your gym was closer to your work?'
Dean shrugged. 'What's a fifteen minute drive?' he grinned. 'What are you working on next?'
'Bench press.'
'Oh, you want a spot?'
'Sure. Have you warmed up?'
'I think I'm plenty warm,' Dean winked.
Cas rolled his eyes, but got himself into position, Dean at his head, just out of his line of sight. Dean helped him unrack the weight, not letting go until he was sure Cas had a good grip.
Cas tried not to let Dean's presence distract him, but it was difficult, and he began to struggle a lot quicker than he usually did, and barely got out his last rep.
'Got it,' said Dean, guiding Cas until the weight was secure in the rack.
Cas dusted his hands off and sat up, smiling at Dean.
'Lookin' good,' Dean grinned, his face slightly red.
'Thanks.'
They separated to do their own workouts, stealing glances at each other, though Dean wasn't so subtle about it.
When it came time to do his squats, Cas waved Dean over. 'Spot me?' he asked.
Dean nodded.
Cas stood before the bar, but then decided it needed an extra little bit of weight, so added a couple more small ones.
'You sure you can lift that?' Dean asked doubtfully.
Cas smirked and looked away.
Alice and Zane, standing nearby, sniggered at Dean.
'What?'
Cas didn't say anything, he just positioned himself under the bar, taking the weight onto his shoulders. He took two steps backwards and waited for Dean.
Dean hooked his arms under Cas's, so his hands were hovering in front of Cas's chest without touching him.
'I'm ready,' Cas said, taking a deep breath.
'Let's go.'
Cas started his first squat, trying not to think about how close Dean was to him. The only time Dean ever got this close was at night, and Cas was usually half asleep by then. He bent his knees, and Dean followed him down, his hands a hair's breadth from Cas's chest. Cas pushed up, feeling the weight in his thighs. He took a breath, then went again. Down and up, Dean's breath at his back. He started to struggle on the third rep, and forced himself to focus, shifting his feet into a better position. Down again, accidentally bumping Dean with his hips on the way.
'Last one,' Dean said bracingly.
Cas breathed sharply, then went for his last squat. He teetered slightly, and Dean caught his chest, helping him back into position.
'And up again,' Dean said, 'come on, you got it.'
Cas pushed himself up once more, grunting slightly. He almost lost his footing again, but Dean was there to keep him up and help rack the weight.
Dean didn't let go of Cas until the weight was secure, and even then lingered for a moment, whispering, 'That was hot,' in his ear.
'So I've been told,' Cas laughed.
'By who?' Dean demanded.
Cas nodded over at Alice and Zane.
Alice was exaggeratedly fanning herself, grinning widely, but Zane was frowning.
'That was terrible form, Castiel,' Zane called across the room.
'Sorry, Zane,' Cas called back, grabbing his water bottle. He moved slightly away from Dean, but smiled up at him. 'No offense, Dean, but you're a terrible spotter. I think I'll stick with Zane in the future.'
'Sam never seems to have any complaints,' Dean replied, a twinkle in his eye.
'I highly doubt you're this... hands on with your brother.'
'That's fair.'
'You're not supposed to distract the lifter, you know.'
Dean shrugged. 'I guess I'm just distracting.'
'That you are.' Cas took another drink and wiped his face. 'I think I'm done for the day.'
'All right. Showers?'
Cas nodded and clicked his fingers, calling Hoagie back to his side. He walked out of the main gym, but Dean paused.
'Showers are that way, aren't they?' Dean said, pointing down the hallway.
'The accessible shower is this way,' Cas explained.
'Oh, so like a private shower?'
'With a pull cord to call for help if I fall.' Cas started towards it again.
'You cool with using it instead of the other showers?'
'It's nice to have some privacy. Having a naked seizure in the public bathroom is one of the least pleasant possibilities.'
'Hmm... You know what is a pleasant possibility, though?' Dean stopped him as they approached the shower, and took a step closer to him.
'What?' Cas murmured, Dean's hands somehow making their way to Cas's hips. Cas's breath caught in his chest, and for a beat, neither he nor Dean moved. For a moment, the space between them shortened, but then Cas hung his head and put a hand on Dean's chest.
'I can't,' Cas mumbled.
Dean sighed and dropped his hands, taking a step back.
'I'm sorry.'
'No, no, I shouldn't have... it's fine. I guess I just thought we were...'
'We are, I just... I'm not sure.'
'It's okay. Really.'
Cas looked at Dean's disappointed expression. 'We need to talk,' he said. 'Come in here.' He pulled Dean into the shower room, and sat him down on the bench. 'Dean, I -' Cas cut himself off and shook his head. He sat down next to Dean. 'Sex is emotional for you, isn't it?' Cas said, getting straight to the point.
Dean's eyebrows shot up in shock. '...Yeah,' he said slowly.
'And if we... and then these feelings went away, that would hurt you a lot, wouldn't it?'
Dean's face softened. 'Yeah.'
'I couldn't do that to you, Dean. I need to be certain.'
'Ugh, why'd I have to marry a smart one?' Dean groaned.
Cas shook his head. 'Besides, I have - other reasons to be nervous.'
'Oh, why's that?'
Cas glanced at Dean, embarrassed. 'Does your first time really count if you don't remember it?'
'You - you don't remember ever...?'
Cas shook his head. 'There are some things that are blurry, but not really a real memory.'
'Oh, wow, it all makes sense now,' Dean laughed. 'You got virgin nerves.'
Cas snorted. 'I'm decidedly not a virgin.'
Dean laughed. 'It would be fun though. Just saying.'
'I'm sure it would be, but what we have - what we could have - is more important than that, don't you think?'
Dean nodded. 'I hate that you're right,' he said wryly.
'So, we're in agreement then?'
'Yeah, I guess we are.'
Cas let out the breath he had been holding.
'You'll tell me when you're sure, though?' Dean asked.
'You'll be the first to know.'
'I'm not so sure about that, given the amount of time you've been spending with Jess lately,' Dean teased.
'Come on,' Cas said, elbowing Dean lightly.
'All right, all right, I gotta shower and get back to work,' Dean laughed, standing up. 'You should too, you stink.'
Cas tutted and nudged Dean with a toe on his way out.
It had been good to get everything out in the open, but he couldn't help but feel guilty for disappointing Dean anyway.
He was still thinking about it a week later, sitting at the dining room table. He hadn't slept well the night before, and a seizure that morning had knocked the energy out of him, so he hadn't been able to go out further than a walk down the drive for Hoagie. He started a painting of the Impala instead, but it was sloppily done and not at all what Cas was going for.
Jess had come to visit as well, getting bored with her maternity leave.
'What happened to the driver?' she asked, sipping her tea.
'What?'
'The truck driver. The one that hit you. What happened to him?'
Cas shrugged. 'I never asked.'
'You're not curious at all?'
'Not really...' Cas shook his head. 'I'm sorry, I'm still a little spaced out.'
Jess waved it off. 'What about you and Dean. Any progress there yet?'
'We had a conversation last week after he came on to me at the gym.'
'Oooh, sexy,' Jess laughed.
Cas smiled. 'Not really. We agreed to hold off for now.'
'Dean agreed to that? Really?'
'Yes. He was disappointed, but he understands the problem.'
'The problem being... you're worried you'll forget your feelings again?'
'Exactly.'
'But why? Have you forgotten that you love Hoagie since you woke up? Or Gabriel?'
Cas winced. 'No...'
'Well then - whoa!' Jess stopped and put a hand over her bump, hissing through her teeth.
'Are you all right?' Cas asked.
'Fine. This little bundle of joy just loves kicking me in the kidney.'
'Do you need anything? Water?'
'No, I think - OUCH!'
'Jess?'
Jess leaned forward slightly, eyes squeezed shut. 'I'm okay,' she puffed eventually.
'Are you sure? That didn't seem like just a kick.'
Jess slumped slightly, trying to catch her breath. She suddenly looked uncertain.
'All right, I'm going to call Sam and see if he can come take you to the doctor,' Cas said firmly, taking out his phone.
Jess nodded.
Cas called Sam's phone, but there was no answer. Just as he went to dial again, Jess groaned and clutched her stomach, gritting her teeth.
'Jess, that looks like it might have been a contraction.'
'Mm, I think it was,' she said.
Cas nodded, thinking quickly. Sam wasn't picking up and Dean was at work. He hadn't seen Jody's car outside her house that morning. 'They're already pretty close together, so it'll probably be quicker to drive you to the hospital,' Cas told her, getting to his feet. 'Come on, I'll see if I can call Sam's work on the way.'
Cas guided Jess out of the door and up to the car, not letting go until she was safely in her seat. He put Hoagie in the back seat and got into the driver's side. Jess had another contraction, and Cas coached her through it.
'Do you know what you're doing?' she asked doubtfully.
'I did a rotation on the maternity ward. Don't worry, you'll be fine.' He smiled at her and carefully hid the nervousness he felt at driving.
He called the number for Sam's work as he started the car, and got through to the receptionist. 'This is Castiel Winchester, is Sam available?'
' Not at the moment, can I take a message?'
'Yes, it's urgent, so if you could get it to him as soon as possible.'
' What is it?'
' Could you please let him know that his wife has gone into labour, so we need him to pick up her hospital bag and meet us there.'
' Oh, of course, I'll see if I can find him now. Thanks.'
Cas hung up, then immediately called Dean.
' Cas, what's up?'
'I'm driving Jess to the hospital,' he said, pulling out of the long driveway.
' What? Why? I'll drive you.'
Jess gasped, and Cas glanced over at her.
'We don't have time to wait, her water just broke, we need to get there.'
'Are you sure about this?'
'Yes. Make sure you shower before you join us.' Cas hung up on Dean too. 'Squeeze my hand,' he said to Jess. 'As hard as you can.'
'Are you sure?'
'You won't hurt me.' Cas continued to reassure her as he drove.
It was a tense drive, with one hand on the wheel and a close eye on his GPS, Cas could feel his energy beginning to wane, but he was determined not to show it and keep Jess calm.
His wheelchair was still in Dean's car, so he had to hold Jess up as they slowly walked into the hospital.
The staff put her on a bed straight away and wheeled her to maternity, and she held onto Cas tightly.
She was given a private room, and Cas sat down next to the bed, within easy reach. He was helping Jess breathe through a particularly strong contraction when Sam finally arrived, looking dishevelled and windswept.
Cas got up and waved Sam over to the chair, switching Jess's grip from his arm to Sam's.
'Thanks,' Sam muttered to him.
'I'll wait outside.'
Once out of the room, Cas swayed slightly, all the muscles in his back and shoulders shaking. He lay himself down across several seats in the waiting room and dozed off. Not all the way asleep, but not really awake either, Cas felt someone sit beside him, then get up and down several times. They smelled faintly of soap and Cas guessed it was Dean, but he didn't bother to open his eyes and check.
He didn't know how long it had been when Dean finally shook his shoulder.
'Hey,' Dean said softly.
Cas looked up at him blearily.
'She's here,' Dean smiled.
'She?'
'Yeah, do you want to meet her?'
'Of course.' He clumsily stood, still quite tired, and Dean led him by the hand.
Jess was propped up in the bed, and gave them a small smile as they came in.
Sam was standing near the bed, gently rocking the baby in his arms. He beamed at Cas.
'Do you want to hold her?' Sam asked.
'Really?'
'Sure.'
Cas let go of Dean's hand and approached Sam, who carefully put the baby in Cas's arms.
Her eyes were closed, but her tiny face was slightly scrunched, and she waved an arm.
Cas looked down at her in awe, rocking her in the same rhythm Sam had. 'She's beautiful,' he whispered, gently stroking her head with a finger.
'Meet Mary Cassie Winchester,' Sam said.
Cas looked up at him, shocked.
'Yeah, we thought we'd name her after her favourite uncle.'
'I thought I was her favourite uncle,' Dean protested.
'Come on, we all know it's Cas. Besides, how would we name a girl after you?'
'Just call her Deanna like Grandma.'
'See, all that does is remind me that you are named after Grandma.'
Cas looked back down at the baby, biting his lip. His heart suddenly ached, and all the agony and longing he'd felt at wanting his own children hit him in the chest, almost knocking the breath right out of him. He gasped and couldn't hold back his emotions. 'Sam,' he whispered, passing Mary back to him, and hurriedly left the room.
He sat back down in the waiting room and held his head in his hands, until Dean came to find him.
'I'm sorry,' he said, as soon as Dean knelt in front of him. 'I didn't - I didn't mean-'
Dean shook his head. 'What happened?'
'I - I remembered... I remembered how much it hurt, and how much I want-' Cas cut himself off. 'I know I can't, and I shouldn't, but that doesn't make it feel any better.'
Dean sighed. 'I'm sorry you have to feel it again,' he said, 'but you know what?'
'What?'
'No one is gonna love that kid more than we are,' said Dean, his voice cracking slightly. 'And we're gonna be the best damn uncles on the west coast, you got that?'
Cas sniffed and nodded, and Dean rested his forehead against Cas's, stroking his hair.
'I'm tired,' Cas mumbled, still overwhelmed by everything that had happened that day. 'I want to go home.'
'All right, we can go home.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Stop saying you're sorry,' Dean smiled. 'It's all good. Do you need your chair, or are you good to walk?'
'I can walk.'
They slowly went to the Impala, and Cas looked over at his own car across the lot.
'I'll run back for it with Jody later,' Dean said.
Cas nodded.
The drive back was quiet, though Dean was still in a good mood, whistling to himself.
'Don't you get tired of this?' Cas asked him. 'Of me being like this?'
'Should I?'
'I do,' Cas muttered.
Dean patted him on the knee. 'I'm happy you're here,' he told Cas once again. 'No matter what.'
'How long are you going to keep saying that?'
'As long as you keep asking.'
Cas snorted.
'You did good today.'
'It doesn't really feel like it.'
'Seriously? You drove Jess to the hospital, coached her the whole way, remembered who to call, remembered your maternity rotation, and all this while still foggy from this morning?' Dean raised his eyebrows, waiting for Cas to argue back. 'You did good,' Dean said when no argument came.
Cas trudged to his chair once they were home, not quite ready to go to bed, but still needing a nap.
Dean brought him a blanket and dumped Hoagie into his lap.
'Dean?' Cas murmured, getting comfortable.
'Yeah?'
'Would you sing to me?'
Dean ducked his head, nervously. 'All right.' He settled himself down on the couch next to Cas's chair.
Cas closed his eyes and fell asleep to Dean's voice.