ELC45
She's strange.
She's like a lost child who first saw the world just now. It was very unusual to see such innocence and fervor together in a person. Who the hell is this woman?
"Woah..."
"I am asking who are you..." I strongly asked, not pleased with her presence in my own space.
She was dazed in front of me and it appears to me that she was already taken away by her mind in her own world. I cannot help but stare just the same.
Elegance. It is reflected in every part of her that I tried to assess. She's white and flawless. Pointed nose, beautiful freckles below her eyes, full rosy lips. Her hair is in the lighter shade of brown and it fell smoothly behind her.
Beautiful... I must admit. And it looks like she's very aware of it, the reason why she can stand with confidence this high in front of me.
Tss... why are you fucking wasting your time, Six?
"Get out." I immediately said after getting lost.
"Wa－teka!"
"I said get out!" I repeated when she struggled against me. What the fuck? Why did Glen allow someone to enter my room? Sino ba 'to at bakit ito nandito?
"Aalis nga! Wait lang! Paano ako alis eh hawak mo ako!"
Fuck. Seriously?
"Reese po... Senyorito." she said, trying not to laugh but it makes me more irritated because she's doing it too obvious! The fuck is she laughing about? "Bago po ako..."
It was true that the only thing she did was to answer my question. However, I also don't know why I got really pissed that she did when I demanded for answer. Basta ang alam ko, naiirita ako. It's seems like she's not taking me seriously because she's even laughing at me!
When she went out of my room, I realized that I just gave her too much attention than to those that I gave to other nuisance. She's maybe hired by Glen. Whatever. I don't have time to mind any more things about her. She's in the least of my concern like everyone else is.
I told myself to proceed with my usual schedule every day. But then, just after I went out of my room, I saw her downstairs, weirdly holding the feather duster on its feather while using its tip to move the towel and wipe the surface. Mukhang tuwang-tuwa pa siya sa ginagawa niya. She's even humming!
Is this girl insane?
How can Glen hire someone who seems to be just playing around? Are you kidding me? Anong proseso ba ang ginawa para matanggap ito sa trabaho? Nauubusan na ba ng pwedeng maging kasambahay sa mundo at ganito ang kinuha niya?
"'Di mo ako pwedeng i-fire..."
I breathe deeply when I heard her voice behind me. I can hear her, I just really choose to ignore what she wanna say. I don't know where is she getting the confidence to go against me and demand something when clearly, she was just a maid. Bakit parang ako pa ang utusan niya?
"Pinaupo ba kita?"
"Hindi! Pinaupo ko ang sarili ko!"
Damn it. She's headstrong and it felt like she will go all through the way just for me to follow what she wanted. Sumasakit ang ulo ko. Saan ba nila napulot ito?
I repeatedly shoo her away but she didn't listen to my words. How the hell can an employee ignore her employer? She was giving me too many reasons that when you try to analyze, sounds very petty and exaggerated.
"You're so noisy," I said while massaging my temple.
Fuck, I'm not really the type who bend on my words. Wala naman dapat akong pakealam. But it seems like I can never have a peaceful lunch as long as she won't stop insisting on me so, in the end, I gave in.
"Good morning, Senyorito!" my head automatically turned when I heard her voice. It's wrong. Hindi naman talaga ako lumilingon kahit sino pa ang bumati saakin. Hindi ko lang rin maintidihan kung bakit pagdating sa kanya, kusang gumagalaw ang katawan ko.
Tss. She was all smiles when she saw how I turned to her. It was bright and beautiful, her smiles. She's radiating with innocence and joy. She looks so fucking pure like she's still not touched by any in the world. How envious...
Why am I suddenly wanting to protect the purity I can see?
"Nagwawalis ako!"
I don't want her to think that I was staring at her for too long, so I rolled my eyes before I shift my gaze away.
Wala atang araw na hindi sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa mga kakaiba niyang ginagawa. Ignoring her was all impossible even if I tried my best not to show that I am always looking at her. Parang may kakaibang pwersa saakin na palaging nagtutulak para mapansin siya.
I sighed when I saw her head and her body falling, sliding over the backrest of the sofa. Her eyes are already closed and it looks like she's already in a deep sleep.
Kanina pa ako inis dahil siya ang dumating para sa dalahan ako ng pagkain. What's more funny is in the end, she was the one who ate what she brought! Naiinis ako sa kanya pero mas lalo akong naiinis sa sarili ko dahil bumigay na naman ako sa kanya.
I stood up from my chair and proceed to the sofa. At this time, I am already not aware of anything that I was doing. I never cared more for anyone. For me, it was useless and a waste of time because in the end, I have to shoulder everything alone, still.
But look where I am now... carrying this weird girl in my arms just to put her in a better position while sleeping on the sofa.
Noong naihiga ko siya ng maayos ay hindi ko mapigilan mapatigil. I kneeled one of my knees on the ground so I could have a look at her better.
Her name is Reese, as what I heard. I don't know why but it felt wrong to call her that when it is her own name. I don't remember myself calling her that even once after the day she showed up.
I always witness her doing unusual things. She seems to not know a lot of things and it also seems like she's not pretending about it. I never saw someone who looks very excited about doing house tasks that most people would groan at. Her moves look delicate and graceful. She looks refined like elites which don't make any sense because she's a maid. Her choices also felt like she's not meeting the job that she currently has. But it all felt very natural on her.
At first glance, anyone could mistake her as the owner of the house. I guess, others really did. Even right now that I'm watching her do nothing but breathing, she still looks like a goddamn precious princess of someone's castle. Who would even think that she isn't one? With this beautiful face...
I notice a lot of things about her even if she's not trying hard to get my attention. I secretly waste my time observing her.
The way she speaks is weird. Sometimes, I can even notice her pausing for a while to think. She's noisy and naughty around me, but when I'm silently observing her around other house helps－Anne, Jem... she's different. It felt like she's also treating people differently according to her opinions. She's giving off different auras and moods that are frustrating me big time because I know... I just know... that I'm missing something.
That made her sudden appearance and existence too questionable for me.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, one time when she looks so lost and disoriented that she didn't even realize I was already on her walkway. She said sorry to me but there is still something wrong.
She's wasn't on her usual self. O ako lang ba dahil nasanay na ako sa ligalig na nakikita ko tuwing humarap siya saakin.
"Wala... magtatapon lang." She smiled at me yet I wasn't convinced because it felt fake.
Noong makaalis siya sa harap ko ay hindi ko pa rin mapigilang mag-isip. Hindi ko rin maiwasang hindi magtaka kung bakit ganito ako mag-isip pagdating sa kanya. What the fuck, Six? Why would you care?
In the end, I wasn't able to stop worrying so even I have no idea of what's going on, I pulled her out of the house. I have to buy a dress for Felize's birthday. I'm not really interested in giving her one, I'm just doing it to avoid arguments against Mama.
"Buksan mo yung window!"
My forehead creased. Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ba ako o mamamangha dahil hindi pa nakakalipas ang ilang minuto ng pinaandar ko ang sasakyan, bumalik na naman ang sigla niya. I don't even know why and how it did.
Kung ganon, nagkamali ba ako noong akalain ko na may kakaiba sa kanya? She started becoming so excited in the sight of a road like my eyes just fooled me from what I saw a while ago.
"Eh bat ako ang sinama mo?"
"Saang mall ba? Tsaka anong mga makikita don?"
"Bakit ayaw mo sagutin ang mga tanong ko?"
Her non-stop question continued once again. I guess... she's really fine. Mukhang nagkamali lang ako.
Tsk.
Isa pa iyon sa pinagtataka ko sa sarili ko. I hate people who talk too much. I hate to interact with people who are not my friends. I dislike people who like to ask questions. But to her... it felt okay. Sa totoo nga lang, mas lalo pa akong nagtataka kung tatahimik na lang siya bigla.
Damn, woman. Tell me, what am I supposed to do with you?
I know that I was changing. I recognize the effect that she has on me. Alam ko na napapansin niya rin. I can see fire growing in her innocent eyes every time we are close to each other.
For the first time in my life, I had a hard time staying on the lane where I shall always stand as a promise to my younger self. But still, I did... for a while.
Paano ko naman mapipigilan pa ang sarili ko kung makikita ko siyang pinapaligiran ng mga lalaki na hindi naman niya kilala ngunit parang ayos lang sa kanya?
Fuck it!
What is she thinking once again?! She really wanna annoy me, didn't she?
"What do you think are you doing!" I shouted when we entered my office again. My forehead creased so much. She stepped back from me, I can see in her eyes her hesitation to move. Nagtatalo sa mukha niya ang takot at kagustuhang lumaban.
I stepped forward while glaring at her.
"Na-nauhaw ako!" laban niya.
My jaw clenched hard. "Oh yeah? Surrounded with men that's obviously feasting on you?"
I don't know what am I so angry about. My blood just boiled too much when I saw her surrounded by men. She's so hardheaded! A brat! It felt like no matter how much I wanna hold her in control with my hands, she will find a way how to escape from me!
Napakakulit! How come she's a grown woman?
"Di mo ako kinakausap! Edi naghanap ako ng kausap ko!"
Damn it...
"Oh yeah?" I sarcastically asked her as I stepped one last time so I could cage her completely as I put both of my hands on her side.
She surely brings thousands of emotions out of me. Pati ako ay nagugulat sa mga bigla kong nagagawa dahil sa kanya. For years of being alive and for years of training myself to be the only person I could depend on, I thought I already know myself best. Pero maging don ay nagkamali din ako. I don't understand... the only thing I know is she's the one who triggers the hidden parts of myself which I don't even know is existing.
Reese... up until now, mentioning her name still felt not enough. But the feeling of having her in my arms, her arms around me, her lips to mine, she can never be more real.
I didn't walk out of my lane, it just happened that it automatically opened for her. And when she stepped in, I found myself unable to resist.
"Di mo ko papansinin?" she asked me, moving her head sideward to get my attention. I pretended that I was still busy with my phone even if I'm very aware of what she's doing. "Di mo 'ko kita? Tampo ka? Galit?"
Hindi ko pa din siya pinansin.
"Sorry na po, Senyorito."
My forehead creased when she displayed her hand in front of me. Her thumb and forefinger are forming a cross. What the hell am I going to do with that?
Because of spacing out for a while, she was able to steal my phone away from me. Now, I don't have anything to pretend that I'm not attentive to her.
"Tss..." I turned to her. "What did you do there?"
"Hmm... nag-ikot, pumunta sa mga booths, tsaka pinakita niya din sakin yung mga rooms tsaka facilities nila! Naglaro kami ng mga games don sa booths, gusto ko nga sana manalo para ibigay sayo yung premyo eh!"
My eyebrow shot up. Unti-unti na rin naman akong nasanay sa paraan ng pagsasalita niya. It's like she's holding back some words that she doesn't wanna say that's why she sounds slang. It's weird on the first days... ngayon ay napapansin ko nalang iyon kapag mahahaba ang sinasabi niya.
She looks very thrill like she just experienced everything today. Come to think of it... aside from the things I manage to know because of observing her, I don't know anything more about her.
Is it her first time?
"Did you win?"
She smiled at me while shaking her head. Her lips are even pouting a little bit. Fuck, I don't think I could ever get tired of watching the innocence in her face. The purity of her soul felt so dangerous that if I would touch her, I'm afraid I could taint her with my imperfections.
"Eto nalang!" she showed me her fingers forming a cross once again.
Kumunot lalo ang noo ko dahil ginawa na naman niya iyon. Isn't that the hand position of those who do yoga or meditation? Right? That's fucking weird.
"Why do you keep doing that?"
Tinignan niya ako na parang may kakaiba akong sinabi. Ako pa talaga, huh?
"Di mo alam 'to?"
"Ano ba yan?" I asked, walking out of the bed and going on the sofa. She followed me and sat beside me.
"Oppa!"
Hell, she's getting weirder every day.
I'm not the type of person who will enjoy a long pointless conversation. It bores me. Kahit pa kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko, I always choose not to be the one who joins much from the exchange of words. I choose to engage myself just by listening to them. However, it was very different when it comes to Reese. Minsan, nakikita ko na lang ang sarili ko na sagot pa rin ng sagot sa kanya kahit sa pinakahindi importanteng bagay na nababanggit niya.
Sinusubukan ko naman... I try to test myself and my attraction towards her. She may be different from others but at least... she may not be too different, right? There must be a limitation here. Ngunit kahit ano pa mang subok ko... wala pa rin akong makita at isa lang ang kinababagsakan ko...
To her, again.
I don't have any clue of what's happening already. Dahil huling kong ala-ala ay hindi naman ako natutuwa sa mga katulad nitong pag-uusap. But to her... even her little groan sounds so good to listen. I don't care of whatever she tells me, may it be about how she woke up late again, her frustration on the TV show they are watching during noontime, or even about the stray cat she saw on the market. Anything...
I thought we're already okay with the set-up that we have as people who enjoy each other's company. Pero mukhang ako lang pala ang nag-iisip non. Because in the middle of everything lies thousands of unsaid words between us.
"Ang gago mo, Six."
What?
I was so confused while thinking of what just happened after she left me. I can see how hurt and disappointed she was to me. She hates it, my idea. But I hate it too, the idea that I have to tear myself out of my own beliefs.
Relationship is nothing but a bullshit facade. I don't want to enter something that I know would just mess up my life. But then when she walked out on me, I felt like I believed in a very stupid idea for all of my life.
I tried to call for her. Pinabalik ko pa nga si Jem noong siya ang nagpakita sa harap ng pinto ko. I didn't realize that I should have never done that because I just made everything worse.
"Ang sama mo! Ang sama mo, Six! Ayaw ko sayo... ayaw ko na sayo!"
My lips parted when I heard her said that. Nagdidilim ang mata ko hindi dahil nagagalit ako ngunit dahil parang tinutusok nito ang puso ko.
Yes, I admit I could never be a good person. I have ruined a lot of things for people. Lives, hearts, dreams... I might actually be the worst. I know that... it just hurts a little because I was not expecting to hear those words on her. I hated to hear that she doesn't want me anymore.
Hindi ko dapat hinahayaang maging ganito ang sarili ko... hindi ko dapat ito nararamdaman. I should be okay. I promised myself that I should never let other people affect me too much again. Unexpectedly to what I know, I just cared more than how am I supposed to...
"You don't mean that..." powerless, I think my wits just left me.
She glared at me with tears rolling down on her eyes. Mas lalo akong hindi pinatahimik ng kanyang mga luha. Fuck...
Tangina, Six. Siguro nga tama siya... gago ka.
I grew up in an environment that required me to be less of a better person. At a young age, I hated the world. I hated my existence in the world.
"Magbihis ka."
"Ma, gutom ako..."
She quickly turned to me with force. Ang mga mata niya at tila makakasunog sa talim nito.
Pero nagsasabi lang naman ako ng totoo. Kahapon pa ako hindi kumakain kasi naubos na iyong grocery na binibili niya nung isang linggo. Hindi naman kasi 'yon ganon kadami tapos madalang pa siyang umuwi dito.
"Kaya nga magbihis ka! Pupunta tayo sa ama mo!"
"Ayoko nga 'don."
"Tinatanong ba kita? Ang sabi ko magbihis ka!"
"Ayoko! Hindi naman ako gustong makita ni Papa!"
Sa gitna ng kumakalam kong sikmura ay nakaramdam ako ng takot noong mabilis ang mga hakbang niyang lumapit saakin habang nakaabang na ang kanyang kamay at tila leon ang mga mata.
I stepped backward but in the small space of our house, it's impossible not to be trapped after a few step. Ramdam ko ang init noong tumama ang palad niya sa pisngi ko.
"Sinasagot mo ba ako? Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Kung hindi dahil saakin wala kang kinakain ngayon! Binubuhay kita! Kaya wag kang magmarunong sa harap ko!" she said while gritting her teeth. Wala akong nagawa kundi dumaing sa sakit habang hawak niya ang tenga ko.
She dragged me through my ears. Sobrang sakit noon na parang matatanggal na ang tenga ko. Noong makarating kami sa pinto ng maliit kong kwarto ay marahas niya akong tinulak. I groaned once again when my back hit the doorknob.
"Magbihis ka at itahimik mo yang bibig mo!"
Napapikit ako ng mariin. I have no choice but to follow what she wanted me to do.
Kailangan ko ba talagang magpasalamat para sa lahat ng nararanasan ko ngayon? Dapat ba akong magpasalamat dahil buhay ako? Why does it sounds better if I just didn't exist huh?
Gustong-gusto kong sagutin si Mama. Binubuhay? No, she don't! Pera ng Papa ko ang bumubuhay saaming dalawa! Kapag nakuha niya iyon, ibibili niya lang ako ng pagkaing kalimitan ay di naman sapat para sa mga araw na mawawala siya habang ginagasta niya ang nakuha niya kay Papa!
Tinatrato niya ako na parang gamit pagdating kay Papa! Tinatrato niya akong matanda tuwing kaming dalawa lang at nasa bahay! I am just 8 years old! Yet I have to force myself to act older so that I can survive!
Nagseselos ako sa mga batang kasing edad ko lang. I wanted to play, too. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to have some friends. Gusto kong maranasan kung paano ngumiti at tumawa. Gusto kong mabuhay bilang bata... gusto ko... pero paano?
"Hindi ba kakapunta niyo lang dito noong isang linggo?" saad ng babaeng kasalukuyang bumababa sa engrandeng hagdanan sa mansyon ng aking ama.
It's Diana Andrada. My father's wife.
Tama... asawa ni Papa. Dahil si Mama ay...
"Sa tingin mo ba ay hindi mauubos ang perang binigay ng asawa mo?"
Mayaman si Papa, at si Mama naman ay nanilbihan noon sa kanila bilang isang kasambahay. They had an affair together and that's how I was born. Mula sa mga naririnig kong usapan ng mga kapit-bahay namin, Mama wanted my father to choose us but he didn't. He still chose his wife. Doon nagalit ng tuluyan si Mama at ako ngayon at napagbubuntunan noon. Hindi rin naman kasi lingid sa mga kapit-bahay namin kung gaano kabigat ang kanyang kamay saakin.
"That's fifty thousand. Are you kidding me?" sarkastikong tanong ni Ma'am Diana. Sobrang ganda nito at halata ang karangyaan sa kanyang postura at balat. Her eyes are cold and distant.
"Nasaan ba si Samuel at bakit ikaw ang humaharap saamin?" iritadong tanong ni Mama.
"Because you're in my house."
Tumigil siya sa harap namin at eleganteng umupo.
"Anak niya 'to!"
Ma'am Diana's eyes went on me. Kusa akong napasandal sa kinauupuan ko dahil doon. Nakakatakot kahit parang di naman siya masama.
"Six..." she called me. There's are no signs of interest in her voice. "Sa sobrang laking pera na hinihingi ng nanay mo, pwede na syang bumuhay ng sampung tao. Pero bakit hindi ko naman makita sayo?"
Dahil sa sinabi niya ay agad akong napatingin sa itsura ko. I am nothing but skin and bones. Gusot at madungis ang suot ko dahil hindi naman talaga ako marunong maglaba, tinuruan lang ako ng kapit-bahay namin noon isang beses. Maliit na ito saakin pati na rin ang tsinelas ko dahil mabilis akong lumalaki.
Kinuyom ko ang kamay ko dahil nakakahiya. Nakakahiyang tumapak sa engrandeng lugar na 'to na parang basura.
"I see, you seems to look better than your son. Ikaw ba ang sinusustetuhan ng asawa ko at hindi ang anak niya?"
Napatingin ako kay Mama. She was gritting her teeth while glaring at the lady in front of me. Ma'am Diana is right. Mukhang bago na naman ang damit na suot niya. Maayos din ang make-up niya. Pati ang suot niyang sapatos ay mukhang bago din. Muli akong napatingin sa sarili ko at napayuko.
"Six..."
Napalingon ulit ako noong tawagin niya ako.
"Do you wanna eat? I can make someone prepare food for you." saad niyang tila mapag-alaga ngunit bakante pa din ang mga mata.
It was like a trigger on my growling stomach. Wala pa akong kinakain! Pagkabihis ko ay hinila na agad ako ni Mama papunta dito!
I nodded at her. She smirked at me.
Tumawag siya ng isang kasambahay para samahan ako sa pagkain habang naiwan sila ni Mama sa sala. Busog na busog ako! Palagi ko kasing tinitipid iyong mga kinakain ko sa bahay pero hindi pa rin yon nagkakasya minsan. Pero ngayon, sobrang daming nakahain sa harap ko!
"Pwede po pabalot?" tanong ko habang may laman pa ang bibig.
Sayang! Baka pwede pa naman! Minsan lang ako nakakakain ng lutong ulam kapag may nagbibigay na kapit bahay! Minsan, kahit kainin at toyo ayos na...
"Sige, Senyorito..."
Nagulat ako dahil sa tawag niya saakin. Ano? Senyorito? Ako? I look at myself again and shook my head.
Masaya akong umuwi dahil busog at may dala pang ibang pagkain mula sa mansyon. Akala ko matatapos na don ang araw pero noong nakauwi kami sa bahay, nagsimula na naman si Mama sa mga malalakas niyang palo at sampal saakin.
She was blaming me for falling on Diana Andrada's offer. Hindi pala siya binigyan nito ng pera na gusto niya. Binugbog na naman niya ako at natapos ang gabi ko na puro pasa at galos habang umiiyak sa matigas kong higaan katulad na naman ng mga gabing lumipas noon.
Sanay na ako.
Nagpatuloy si Mama sa gawain niya. Mas lumalala pa nga dahil minsan, nag-uuwi na rin siya ng lalaki dito sa bahay. Di ko sila kilala dahil iba-ibang tao naman iyon at hindi nauulit.
Palagi niya pa rin akong hinihila sa mansyon ng mga Andrada kapag kailangan niya ng pera, magpapanggap na ako ang may kailangan para mapagbigyan.
I hated her. It wasn't right for a son like me to feel it. Pero bawat araw na lumilipas, hindi ko maiwasang umusbong ang galit ko para sa kanya dahil kahit isang araw hindi ko naramdaman na minahal niya ako bilang anak niya. To her, I was just a tool she can use to continuously have money easily. Kapag nakuha na niya ang gusto niya ay mawawala na rin muli ako sa mata niya.
Makikita niya lang ako muli kapag oras na para humingi muli ng pera o kailangan niya ng mapagbubuntunan ng galit niya.
"Kasalanan mo... kasalanan mo!" She cried to me one time when she was too drunk to act like her usual self. Sinusuntok niya ako ng mahina sa aking dibdib.
I know... I know I ruined her life. She may not say it out loud in front of me but she slaps it on my face through her actions. Hindi lang sa kanya ang sinira ko. Pati kay Papa, kay Ma'am Diana. Iyon ang pinapamukha nilang lahat saakin. Na kung hindi lang sana ako nabuhay... maayos sana ang lahat.
"Samuel..." my mother cried my father's name.
Oo, kasalanan ko. I know I have no choice but to accept the blame they are throwing me. But I still wanna ask... how is it my fault?
Ang tangi ko lang namang ginawa simula noong natututo akong mag-isip ay sumubok at tumayo ng mag-isa kahit hindi ko pa kaya. Kahit sa totoo lang... kailangan ko ng makakapitan at gagabay.
Wala ako noon... kaya kailangan kong lumaki ng mabilis para sa sarili ko.
Sobrang laki ng galit ko kay Mama, pero hindi ko pa rin siya magawang iwan dahil siya lang ang meron ako. I know she can perfectly live without me... but I... I doubt that.
"Do you wanna be my son?"
Alam kong nagulat siya noong makita ang sitwasyon ko rito sa bahay sa unang beses niyang pagsadya dito. Pero hindi ko alam na iyon ang maririnig ko sa kanya.
"P-po?"
Her eyes are still cold while looking at me but I can see no hesitation in it.
"I'm getting tired of seeing your mother's face. I hate her so much but I have to enduring seeing her because of you. At isa pa, saan napupunta ang hinihingi niya?"
Everyone... everyone of them treats me like I'm a grown-up who can understand everything they are saying. But I don't... I just absorb it all together in me. Iyon siguro ang naging mali ko dahil sa sobrang pagtanggap ko ng lahat ng sinasabi nila, lahat ng paniniwala ko, nahubog ng mga maling konsepto. If only I knew that it would cause me thousands of trouble in the future, I should have just covered my ears or beg them to stop.
I should have known... but what could I do? I was just a child.
"Your father can fight for your custody. You'll be my son and I'll give you a better life."
I was so young to dream that someday, I could just run away from the life that I have, so when the opportunity to escape presented itself to me, I accepted it with my both arms.
I have no regrets. I believed I suffered enough. Mali ba na hangarin ko din na maging totoong bata naman ako at makawala?
Galit na galit saakin si Mama. Binugbog na naman niya ako at hindi tinigilan. I just accept it all with a firm belief that no matter how painful it is physically and mentally, this would be over. Huli na dahil ayoko na...
"Teka, teka! Seryoso ba 'yan?" Theo blurted out with shock.
I glared at him. I've been speaking for some time now! Do I look like I'm kidding? We both look in Hezekiah's direction when he chuckled.
"Dude, I never thought time will come where you will be running to us asking some love advice."
"Shit! Totoo nga! Teka, record natin baka di na maulit!"
Fuck it.
"Can you just fucking listen first?" I asked them with irritation.
They are my friends. I met them when we transferred to Manila just after my father won my custody against Mama. At that time, I have no intention of making friends with anyone, but they are so persistent to the point that they were following me wherever I go. In the end, I got tired of pushing them away and just let them do whatever they wanted.
Sa tagal ng panahon ko nang nabubuhay dito sa mundo, tatlo lang ang may alam buong pagkatao ko－Hezekiah, Theo, and Rash. Honestly, no matter how much they annoy me, I was very thankful for their presence in my life. I never got a chance to tell that to them because I know they would just tease me all of my life if I did.
Because of them, I manage to know what it feels like to belong around people who would understand and accept me. Sa kanila ko naranasan kung ano ang pakiramdam na magkaroon ng taong pinapanatili ka hindi dahil kailangan ka kundi dahil importante ka. Damn... it's weird and creepy to say all of this but they are more of a family to me than to what I really have.
"Are you really my friend, dude? In that case, you're out." Theo said while frowning.
I glared at him. Even if I wanna throw him out of my condo, I just can't do that because I know that even if he's the most irritating person on earth right now, I fucking need his damn words. Even if he looks stupid, I cannot deny the fact that he's the wisest person I know.
"Wait... this girl isn't Felize, right?" Hezekiah asked with a smirk on his face.
My forehead immediately creased. How the hell did she even enter this conversation?
"The fuck are you talking about..."
Both of them laugh. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.
I knew Felize since I started living on the Andrada's mansion. Anak siya ng best friend ni Mama Diana. I'm casual and cool to her but I don't treat her as my friend. It's just necessary for me to entertain her because that's what Mama likes. I know she likes me, but I don't, so I don't care.
They know her, of course. She studied on SAU too, just like us. And she's been pestering me a lot. Kahit itulak ko naman ay wala akong magagawa kapag si Mama na ang ginamit niya daan papunta saakin.
Tss... why are we suddenly on this?
"So, hindi?"
"Hindi."
Theo whistled and leaned on the couch. Tumaas ang kilay saakin ni Hezekiah at ngumisi bago niya ininom ang alak na nasa kanyang baso. Rash is anywhere we don't know. I guess, he'll just surprise us with his appearance one day.
"Who the hell is your girl, Andrada..." Hezekiah said.
"Akala ko noon wala nang makakapagpalambot sayo at tatanda ka nalang kasama ng mga hayop sa rancho nyo..." Theo chuckled, not minding my glare. "Akalain mo 'yon..."
Tangina.
"Are you going to say something worthy or I'll just slam you with this?" I said, raising the bottle of alcohol.
"Bat sakin ka nagagalit?" Theo said, shocked.
"Tagal mo daw kasi sumagot." Hezekiah said while laughing.
Theo laughed with him too. "Bakit ako?"
"Ako ba dapat?" Hezekiah asked, looking at him.
They both laughed. "Cheers, dude!"
I sighed loudly before I massage my temple. Damn it. I should have known they would tease me for the whole day before I can get a minute of seriousness from them. Walang kwenta.
Ilang oras din ang hinintay ko hanggang sa magsimulang mapagod ang dalawa sa pang-aasar. And finally, Theo managed to talk with sense.
The first time I saw Reese, I was already captivated by the force that was continuously pulling me towards her. I tried my best to fight it and push myself back all the time. I felt like I was putting myself in a danger zone every time I'm trying to do something that's out of my control.
I've been there for so long and I don't wanna go back again. Iyon ang rason kung bakit ko pinili na lumayo sa mga tao. The closer they get, the closer they can affect me, and me to them. I don't want another downfall and I don't wanna cause another downfall. So I thought it was always better to put a limitation from them. A line that reminds me of my place.
"You are not your parents, dude."
From the glass of alcohol I was holding, my eyes move up to Theo. He wasn't looking at me but I know he's talking to me. Heze was just silently listening and giving the floor to Theo.
"If you're afraid to enter a relationship because you're thinking you'll be like them. If you think being in a relationship is stupid because your father failed to keep his... then, I'm telling you, you are not them."
I chuckled lowly. I told him to knock some sense out of me... not to fucking make me emotional.
Damn, Theodore.
"Stop limiting yourself from the choices that you should have been no problem of taking. Because dude, if you can't try because of your second-hand experiences, then maybe, your past is still torturing you..."
"Fucking past," I said before I leaned my head on the couch and closing my eyes.
"Tangina, mukha ka talagang good boy pag ganyan ka. Dyan ka nalang, wag kang gagalaw." I heard Hezekiah said.
"Eto ka, gago." Theo countered. He's probably raising his middle finger now. I knew them too much to anticipate their moves even without seeing them.
"Man up, dude. I know you can fix it." saad ni Hezekiah saakin noong bumangon ako sa pagkakasandal. He smirked at me. "She seems very important, huh?"
"Salamat sa ambag." Theo sarcastically said to Hezekiah.
"At least, may nasabi."
"Taga tawa ka lang eh."
See? Just a fucking minute after long hours of waiting, then they will be back on their idiotic selves.
Maybe... maybe she was my redemption. The person sent to renew who am I and show me how good the world is, after all. A blessing... an angel.
For the first time in my life, I knew about love.
"You like it, don't you?" I asked her while she was in my arms. She's surprisingly not talking to me because she's busy tracing my tattoo on the chest.
"Hindi ah..." she stopped and look up to me with a smile. "I like you."
Umagat ang dulo ng labi ko dahil sa aking narinig. I don't know if she's still being playful like she always is but it sounds good to hear. I put a gentle kiss on her forehead. I saw even saw her close her eyes when I did that.
She's so pure. I just wanna keep her right in my arms always and hide her from the world.
"With what I hold I am..." she muttered once again when she came back from tracing my tattoo. My forehead creased. It felt weird that the way she speaks English felt more suitable and comfortable for her. Pero mukhang nagkakamali lang ako dahil ilang salita lang naman iyon. I choose to ignore that idea.
"May meaning ba 'to?" she asked me and look up to me once again.
Her hand rested on the top of my chest. Her innocent eyes stared at me with anticipation. Days with her just really felt thousandfolds better than before. I was long suffocated in the world. She's the only one who made me breathe. She's the only one who let me know that even a person like me can be happy every day.
You're the only one I need, baby...
"Just a sworn promise to myself," I said while drawing circles on her bare back.
"Ano?" she became more interested. Sumilay na naman ang sigla sa kanyang mata na palaging nandoon tuwing may mga bagay siyang unang natutuklasan.
Damn it, I will always love the sight of innocence in your eyes... it makes me think how pure you remained until the day we met. Baby... where have you've been, huh? If only I know you've been existing in the sidelines, I should have come for you and meet you sooner. Sana alam ko lang... dahil kahit araw-araw kang nasa bisig ko, tila kulang pa rin ang araw na ibibigay saakin ng mundo...
My other hand went to caress her beautiful face.
"That I will be someone defined by me and what I worked hard to be."
Not by anyone... not by my name, and especially not my parents.
She pursed her lips like she was thinking. I watched her do that with adoration. In the end, her smile started showing up.
"Sa tingin ko nagawa mo na naman 'yon."
My lips curve into a smirk. "You think so?"
"Oo nga!" she giggled and hugged me on the side.
"How so?" I asked teasingly yet she answers and the reasons she gave me warmed my heart so much.
If I really have to go through everything just to reach the place where I can hold you in my arms, baby... I will be willing to be there over and over again, just for this day to come through.
You will always be the lie that I would always love to embrace no matter how painful it can get.
"Where?" my head is seething with anger. I thought I was hearing something wrong.
Tangina, ano daw? Saan?
"Stable, Six. She dese－"
Matalim kong tinitigan si Felize. "How dare you treat her like that! Sino ka ba, ha? Anong akala mo sa sarili mo? Anong karapatan mo!"
"Six! You're talking to a woman!" Mama reprimanded me.
I look at Felize and I saw the pain in her eyes. I chuckled sarcastically and look at Mama. Oh yeah? So what? If she can't treat a person right, how much does she expect me to do the exact thing she can't? Don't make me laugh.
"Move her out of there or I'll do it myself." banta ko.
"Felize is right. She may do something m－"
"How can she do something more if all your eyes are already on her? You're not even sure if she stole something!" sigaw ko at napatayo na sa upuan ko dahil sa galit na nararamdaman ko.
Fuck... baby, I'm sorry.
"She's a thief!"
I harshly look back at Felize and glared at her.
"She's a human!" I shouted.
"Sinjin Xylus!"
Felize looks scared of me but she still managed to look back at me. Pasalamat siya at babae siya at kasama naming ang magulang ko... dahil kung hindi...
"She's just using you, Six. Tignan mo nga ang nangyari ngayon kay Tita! Bakit ba pinagpipilitan mo pa rin na wala siyang kasalanan kahit lahat namang ng ebidensya siya ang tinuturo!" Felize's frustrated remarks are all directed to me. Nawala muli ang takot sa kanyang mukha. It felt like she wants to convince me greater than anyone in this room.
Maybe because I was also the only one here who's firmly believing that she won't steal anything. She's too innocent to do that... my love won't do that.
"She won't do that!"
"Oh really? What's your basis to judge, Six?" she sarcastically said.
She was the only one who was speaking. Si Papa at Mama ay tahimik lang na nakikinig. I don't even know why she's so engaged in this problem like it's hers.
"Because I know her." matatag kong sagot.
I know her sweet soul. For a long time of watching her, I already memorized everything she has from her smiles to her biggest move she can do. Stealing something... creating all this ruckus... she's won't.
Right, baby?
"Talaga? Do you know her full name? Where did she live? Where is she from? How did she suddenly appear here?"
Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko magawang makasagot kahit gustong-gusto kong ipagtanggol si Reese. Felize smirked at me like she won a great argument because she just hit my weak spot.
"How can Glen be this careless? She let a thief roam in my house." Mama said while massaging her temple.
"She's not a thief, Mama."
"When will you break, Six?" Mama asked me, looking with the same cold eyes that she had. It never changed from then, up until now.
"I won't because I know she can never do that." saad ko habang pilit pinapahinahon ang sarili ko.
Why can't they understand me? I know her! Maybe she's also shocked and frightened now while receiving every blame without doing anything!
Naniniwala ako...
"Is that the only thing you can say, Sinjin? Na kilala mo siya? How much do you know her, then? How much do you believe she's not lying and she's not taking you for a fool?" Mama asked.
Kumabog ng malakas ang puso ko dahil sa tanong na narinig ko. I was taken aback from the question that even I is afraid to ask myself...
I know... paulit-ulit ko nang tinantanggi sa sarili ko ngunit hindi ko pa rin maalis na isipan ko na marami siyang tinatagong mga bagay saakin... saamin. I waited for all the silent moments between us but she never dared to speak anything. It was okay for me, though... as long as her lies don't hurt. It's okay. Anong magagawa ko? Minahal ko eh...
But thinking about it now in the middle of this situation, I can't help but be afraid.
No...
"I raised you to be better, Sinjin. I never thought you will just be like your father. I'm so disappointed..."
Nagpanting ang tenga ko dahil sa akin narinig. I gazed at Papa who's quiet on Mama's side. Hindi ito umanggal na tila tanggap ang paratang ni Mama sa kanya. He looked away from me.
My eyes shifted to Mama and she stared back at me.
No one ever suspected that I wasn't her son. It's because they say we share the same personality. But no... I turned this way because of my experiences but it was all natural on her. I never felt her warmth towards me, yet I'm still thankful that she was there when I needed a savior and a figure to guide. She made me experience the care a child must receive from a mother even if she's naturally distant and cold. I owe a lot of things to her. Maybe even my life...
I am not my father. I would never be like him. No!
"You're even taking the same steps he's had taken. Mag-ama nga kayo..." she shook her head. The ideas that are coming out from her mouth is torturing me more.
Am I? Am I becoming the person I hated to become?
"Maybe she's just faking everything she showed you, Six. We don't know her or the maids don't, either. She's using you to get what she wants. Nagpapagamit ka naman. I can see her clothes, it's all from good luxury brands. Are you buying her things, huh? You can't even see that she's milking you! Can't you see how she's making a fool of you? Hanggang ngayon siguro hindi pa rin 'yon nababahala dahil alam niyang ipagtatanggol mo siya, Six! At ito naman ikaw, nagpapaka-tanga sa kanya!"
Nabibingi ako. Umiikot ang ulo ko sa dami ng mga bagay na biglang bumabalik saakin. Mula sa una... mula sa totoo kong ina, at sa lahat ng paratang sa kanya na naririnig ko. Is she? Are you using me?
Are you like my mother too, baby?
But I love you...
I was real. But are you?
Tumayo si Papa noong may marinig kaming katok sa pintuan ng kanyang opisina dito sa mansyon. I was very preoccupied with my thoughts and my breaking heart that I was just staring at the black space, unaware. Broken.
Mali ba ako na mahalin ka?
Pati din ba ikaw, gagamitin ako?
Si Mama, para sa pera. Si Papa, para sa negosyo at pagyayabang. Si Mama Diana, para mabura ang nanay ko sa buhay nila. Ganon ka din ba katulad nila?
"Aamin na po ako, Sir... hindi ko na po kayang itago ito," iyak iyon mula sa pinto.
It gave me hope. I thought she will say that my Reese is innocent of everything. That she was really the one who did it all but no... it turns out, I was the only one left believing in her.
She's lying to me. She used me. Wala siyang pinagkaiba sa mga nagdaang-tao sa buhay ko.
Mabigat ang bawat hakbang na ginagawa ko palayo, bawat tawag niya sa pangalan ko, nilalabanan ko ang sarili ko na hindi lumingon at hindi huminto.
I also want that... I wanted to call you, but how can I do that when I don't know who you are?
In the end, my innocent angel wasn't really sent to give me redemption. She was sent to remind me how my existence was never favored on earth.
But somehow, on the back of my mind... I wonder what's the difference between the life that I used to have and the life where she's wasn't there? Isn't it both like hell?
I should have let her use me forever.