Freshman Year
Love was an hourglass. At one moment, everything appeared serene and beautiful, and you didn't realize time was ticking. Then the next moment, it turned upside down, stolen kisses became tearful fights, and that was it; time was up.
Sometimes, you held on to the lost time because it was the only thing you had left.
I met Justin in September: I remember it because it was the season's first football game. Streaks of clouds painted the sky an ominous shade of blue-grey. I was on the sidelines with the rest of the cheerleading squad, squinting in the drizzling rain as we ran through the routine. In a sea of yellow and blue jerseys with numbers printed on them, Justin was lucky number 13. Under blurry field lights, he scored a touchdown and found my gaze, shooting me a million-dollar smile.
One smile, three seconds.
At the end of the game, he approached me by the bleachers to enter his number on my phone, his blonde hair wet and matted from rain. It didn't matter that it was cold and dreary — What I would remember from that day was him.
Things with him were simple. We had the same friends, the same interests, and he was the boy I could see myself loving one day. That was how crushes started, after all. They stemmed from something as sweet as candy hearts.
And we trusted each other — we always trusted each other.
Except for when we didn't.
It was at a party at West Blakeyard's house, the first celebration of the summer of freshman year. His well-furnished house was one of the few homes in the neighborhood, complete with a cul-de-sac, remodeled hardwood floors, and huge tinted black glass windows. Music vibrated from the speakers, and the scent of old whiskey mingled with perfume.
Several of us sat in a circle, playing truth or dare in his living room. It was a core party tradition to see how far someone would go.
It was the first time I met Griffin Keely.
Although that wasn't true. We had been in a group project earlier this year for AP English, so I owed Shakespeare for our meeting on a technicality. He always wore a devilish smile, one that I assumed had gotten a lot of people in trouble before.
He seemed like the guy who didn't care about anything, especially not grades, but he was smart. We aced the project, and I learned two things.
Romeo and Juliet was a tragic testament to how love sucks, and Griffin Keely cared more than he let on.
Aside from that, my knowledge about him came from rumors that trickled down the grapevine. Detention was his second home, and his only "friends" were people he sold weed to or girls he hooked up with. Considering I didn't fall under either category, our friendship was more doomed than Romeo and Juliet's.
Griffin sat far away from me. He wasn't saying anything, but he didn't need to. He had those eyes that looked like the shallow waves in the ocean, and they somehow conveyed every emotion he felt. Right now, they were twinkling with amusement. His overgrown dark hair fell over his forehead, and I saw a recent addition to the tiny tattoos lining his forearm. I didn't know why I was analyzing him, but I couldn't help being curious about why he was here. His type of party favors didn't include playing truth or dare.
Griffin looked at me as if he felt me staring, and I looked away.
"All right, my turn to spin," Willow Stevens said, spinning the bottle. The tip of the bottle landed on Griffin, and she grinned. I had never really liked her, but she was friends with Justin, so I learned to keep my feelings to myself. Willow leaned forward, pressing her manicured nails on her thigh. "Griff, kiss Haven."
Excuse me?
My stomach churned, but Willow looked unbothered, a sickly sweet smile forming on her lips.
"Um, hello? Pick someone single. Next," Taylor said, swigging from her bottle.
Justin's eyes shot daggers at Willow.
"It's just a game." Willow placed her hand on Justin's knee, and this time, I was the one who glared at her.
I wondered if it was too late to dare her to go home.
A flicker of surprise appeared on Griffin's face at first, but then it disappeared. He glanced at me, crystal blue eyes meeting my own, voice husky. "Just a kiss?"
As soon as his body moved closer to mine, I stared at him wordlessly, breath catching in my throat. His face was only inches away from mine, and I could see every little detail. The light speckle of almost golden freckles on his nose, the way his almond-shaped eyes were bright with curiosity that mirrored the look in my own. The only imperfection was the bump on his nose as if he had broken it before.
There were moments in life you were sure of. In an exhilarating wreckage type of way, this was one of them.
I was sure that Griffin Keely was going to kiss me.
But he didn't. Before I could react, Justin shoved him, his eyes blazing with fury. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He spat.
I tore my gaze from Griffin's, noticing how my heart was pounding against my chest.
West, ever the peacekeeper, immediately jumped into action, pulling Justin back by his broad shoulders.
Justin's face turned a shade of tomato-red, and his narrowed eyes zoned in on Griffin, who just laughed.
"Relax, Karate Kid." His voice came out in a casual drawl. "I wasn't going to kiss her. Besides, she's not my type."
My cheeks flamed. Griffin's type of girls were all beautiful model types, so what did that make me? No girl wanted to hear that from someone, no matter what.
He took a long sip of his drink and said, "Besides, I prefer them here one night and then gone the next morning. Have you ever had that pretty boy? Wait... have you ever had any action?" His eyes flickered to me, and I felt my face burning even more.
Justin's hand squeezed into a fist, and I stood up, grabbing his arm. "Okay, we're leaving now," I said. "Let's go."
Justin's jaw twitched. His eyes landed on me, and he took a step back, but he didn't wait to leave with me. There were a few muffled giggles at his abrupt exit, and my stomach twisted.
I knew how much Justin's pride meant to him, and Griffin had just made a mockery of that. People were casting Griffin glances too, but he seemed unfazed.
"Aren't you going to run after him?" Griffin said, his voice low. "I don't think I've ever seen you two not attached to the hip."
I was so angry at that moment that I didn't even think to care if he had noticed us.
"You're disgusting," I said. For a second, I saw the satisfied look on Griffin's face disappear, and it was worth it until I realized my boyfriend was no longer by my side. I swiveled around to follow Justin.
"Justin, wait," I said. "Please wait."
His eyes still blazed with anger, but he stopped so I could catch up with him. We walked to the front lawn, and I tried to search for something to say to fill the uncomfortable silence.
I didn't know if I was more embarrassed about Griffin's comments, Justin's reaction, or that I hadn't moved back. Why hadn't I moved back?
Justin's voice was hoarse. "Would you have let him kiss you if I weren't there?"
"Justin!" I stared at him in disbelief. "Of course not. I was just taken off-guard."
"And why the hell did he say that action thing? What, you go around flaunting that we haven't had sex yet?" His voice was rising, and I flinched.
It was the first time Justin had blatantly brought up the whole virginity thing. He always made me feel like I didn't have to feel pressured to do anything. But his tone now was accusatory, as if he was blaming me.
"No! That's our business and not anyone else's. He only said that to get under your skin." I stopped, looking at his darkened gaze. In just seconds, I felt my relationship slipping away. "Don't you trust me?"
He scoffed but didn't answer. The way he looked at me made me feel small, as if I had done something wrong.
"Why are you being a jerk?" I said, trying not to get exasperated. "Nothing happened. Besides, you're the one who's friends with Willow, so maybe your problem should be that she suggested the dare."
"This isn't about her right now," he said, frustrated.
"Well, maybe it should be because you're being ridiculous." He wouldn't say anything, and I didn't even know what to say.
"I wouldn't have kissed him." I finally looked at him, my eyes softening as I raised a hand to graze his cheek.
Because I knew it, I wouldn't have. I loved Justin. Game or not, I wouldn't have done that to him.
Justin's jaw ticked. "I think I need some space right now. Enjoy the rest of the party."
I recoiled, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Justin had already turned away, and his lengthening stride told me he wasn't planning on turning back.
The fight inside of me drained, and I let him walk away. I didn't head back to the party; the last thing I needed was sweaty bodies around me, dancing carelessly. Instead, I went to the back, finding a spot to sit by the in-ground pool. The air smelled like summer — like manicured lawns and barbecue grill grease. Aside from the sound of a buzzing mosquito and blurred music from the party, everything was quiet and still. The water in the pool, usually painted a crystal blue under the burning sun, was a navy blue, the waves darker than midnight. I dipped my orange-painted toes in the pool, swirling in the water.
When I was younger, I used to find water scary — there was so much unknown about it, so much that could consume you. It wasn't until I grew up that I realized that water wasn't the only thing that could make you drown; people could do that too.
"Not much of a party person?"
My breath hitched.
A girl with cropped blonde hair that grazed just below her chin waved, the ghost of a smile on her lips. Her skin was pale, almost translucent, and there was a dusting of freckles on her nose. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"No, it's fine." I laughed. "God, I get spooked easily. I'd never make it far in a horror movie." My lame attempt at a joke didn't raise my spirits.
"I think you'd be fine. They usually kill off the dumb one first, and that doesn't seem like it's you." She grinned, pulling her hair into a top-knot.
I managed a half-hearted smile.
She took off her flip-flops, placing them by the ledge, before teetering on the edge of the pool, looking like she was going to dive in. She didn't, though. Her cat-like eyes shone in the moonlight as they met mine. It was the first time I noticed the small scar on her sparse eyebrows. "I'm Natasha."
"Hey. I'm —"
"Haven," she finished. When I raised my eyebrows in surprise, her smile only widened. "Everybody knows who you are. Crowned queen at Freshman Social, on the cheerleading squad... Is there anything you don't do?"
Make my boyfriend happy.
"It must be nice," she continued. "The world adores you. Or at least, the entire Fairwood population."
"Well, there's a party going on inside, and I'm here feeling alone, so it isn't all it's cut it out to be," I said lightly.
Natasha fell quiet, but she looked like she understood.
"You're dating that Justin guy? That was some heated argument." Natasha sat beside me, tilting her head and looking at the sky.
I flushed. "You saw that? Not the first impression I wanted to make."
"Don't worry. I know enough about rumors and drama to know you don't know the full story until you hear it from the person," Natasha said. The moonlight glistened in her eyes, making them eerily light. "I moved here a couple of months ago, and apparently, nobody likes the new kid. I can only imagine what people are saying about me."
"You moved in the middle of the year?" I pulled my knees to my chest. "How come?"
She didn't meet my eye. "My mom. She wanted a fresh start for both of us, I guess." She didn't explain further, and I didn't ask. I knew what it was like to want to start all over.
"The people here aren't too bad," I said. "Once you get to know them better. High school is just weird because everybody needs something that defines them; otherwise, it feels like you're doing it wrong."
"What defines you?" She brushed her bangs away from her eyes.
I paused, chewing my lip. Somehow, I didn't think being popular, a straight A-student, or Justin's girlfriend, were suitable answers. "I guess being someone who wants to be seen. Truly seen."
I wondered if Natasha would think it was a stupid response.
"That's a lot cooler than being the new girl," Natasha said. "Sometimes, I think I want the same thing. Maybe it's just teen angst." She cracked a wry smile.
I laughed, rubbing my arms. The night air was chilly for a summer night, and the skimpy sundress I had on wasn't doing anything. "You can hang out with us. Taylor, Luce, and me. Luce moved here this year too, so she knows what it's like being the new kid."
Natasha's dark grey eyes flickered. "Luce... that's a unique name."
"It's short for Lucia, but she hates it because she thinks it sounds like some old British queen who drinks a lot of fancy tea." I suppressed a laugh, remembering how adamant Luce had been that we called her by her new name when she first moved here.
"Well," she said, her lips folding into a flat smile, "It seems like Lucia — sorry, Luce, is fitting in just fine." Something seemed off in her tone, but I couldn't quite place what. Then, it was gone, like I had imagined it. She smiled, leaning in closer. "Maybe you can introduce me to the crew."
"Consider yourself one of us now," I said, holding my pinky up as if it was a promise. My phone vibrated with a text. I looked down to see it was from Taylor, asking me where I was. There were five exclamation points in her text.
"I should get back to the party," I said. I didn't want to, but I could imagine the rumors that would circulate if I didn't return after everyone had witnessed the fight between Justin and me.
"Are your friends looking for you?"
I nodded, giving her an apologetic smile. "They probably want to check on me after the Justin thing. Boyfriends are messy. I'm sorry, I have to go."
She took my phone from my hand. A few taps later, she handed it back. "Well, now you can hit me up anytime."
I glanced at the screen, seeing she had saved her number as a new contact. "Thanks, Natasha. Um, do you want to come with me? To the party."
"Nah. I might go for a midnight swim." When she caught my surprised stare, she laughed.
"Isn't that dangerous?" I looked at the pool, wondering if I should leave her alone. West had recently removed the tarp for the summer, but swimming in the dark didn't seem like the safest option.
"I've been through worse," was all she said. Her eyes caught mine and lit up with a daring gleam. "Don't worry. West won't find out I used his pool. It'll be our little secret."
There was something refreshing about Natasha. Maybe it was because she seemed fearless, even if there was underlying insecurity beneath it all. Or maybe it was because she didn't know me as the Haven Grey that had always to be perfect. At that moment, we were strangers with a secret, which felt like enough.
"See you. By the way, Haven... You remember how you said you felt alone earlier?"
I nodded.
"You're not anymore. If you ever need someone to talk to, you have me. I'll always be there." A faint smile came to her lips, and before I even realized it, I was returning it.