Kabanata 21
Insatiable
"Why do you try so hard?" he asked in a leveled tone. Nang tahakin ng kotse ang isang pakurbang daa'y simple niyang iniliko ang steering wheel nito. "You always go the extra mile with everything in your life. Sa trabaho. Sa pagmamahal. Sa pamilya mo. Even when you're already doing your best, you still think it isn't enough."
"Sa totoo lang, 'di ko alam," masalimuot kong sambit.
Suddenly, I felt silly for blabbering too much. Ano siya, therapist ko? Aside from the embarrassment, the silliness I felt was also brought by my complex of not wanting people to know about my problems.
Kapag may tao akong pinagsasabihan ng mga problema ko tapos pinoproblema na rin nila ang mga ito, naiinis ako sa sarili ko. My problems were brought by my own actions and they were mine to deal with. Alone. It must be why I was a vessel of bottled-up emotions and, as he said, someone who tries so hard.
"When we give something of good value to someone, the happiness that comes along with it must flow both ways, Sunny. 'Di 'yong kapag nagbigay ka, 'yong binigyan mo lang 'yong masaya. Do you understand?" He glanced at me like a teacher desperate to see a response from his student. I simply nodded. "You are giving your best love to Isabel and I know she's happy about it. You should be, too."
Tumango ako, 'di lang dahil sa naiintindihan ko siya kundi dahil na rin sa kagustuhan kong lisanin na ang topiko namin. What was I so dramatic about?! Sunny Vega's not born to contemplate about life's ups and downs and to submerge herself into grief!
Isabel's condition was real, and it might be sad and hard for me, but there's nothing else I could do about it. Maybe, contrary to me thinking I was giving her my best love, I actually wasn't. Kaya ako miserable kasi alam kong may kulang... may mali. What I focused on was the life I could give her, but what about her? What about us... and our bond? Our quality time?
"Thanks Ico," I said, turning to him. "That means a lot to me. Pero pwede next time, 'wag kang tunog propesor? You can act normal with me. Unlike you, I'm not judgmental."
A ghost of a smile flashed across his face. "You saying I'm judgmental is also you being judgmental, though."
"Alam mo ikaw," pabitin kong sambit. I tssed. "Pero salamat ah? Dahil sa 'yo napagtanto kong dapat na 'kong tumigil sa kadramahan kong 'to. I mean, this whole drama thing doesn't resonate with my motto!"
"What motto?" His brows furrowed.
I smirked. "When life fucks you hard, just moan."
"Hm, I have something quite the same."
"Okay then, what?"
"Life is like a dick. It isn't always so hard."
My heart stilled when he let out a gruff chuckle. Pumula ang pisngi ko at nagpasalamat na lang na madilim at 'di niya 'yon napansin. I looked outside the window and as we drove along the same old country road, I wished we could always be this close and open to each other, but then... that would mean coming clean for me. Was I ready for that?
Gabi na nang makarating kami sa mansiyon ng mga Casagrande. Mabuti na lang at hindi siya nakita ni Lola Cordelia dahil alam kong iimbitahin niya pa itong maghapunan kapag nagkataon. He was tired from work and since he disliked social interactions, madi-drain lang ang energy niya sa pagiging talkative ni Lola.
Wow. Come to think of it, palagi kong iniisip ang kapakanan ni Ico, pero ang tagal bago ko natantong gusto ko siya! It must be my pride talking, huh? Or it could also be my defense mechanism, because I knew that falling for him was a foolish thing to do. Suntok sa buwan. Pangarap sa kawalan.
Naghahanda na akong matulog nang tumunog ang cellphone ko para sa isang mensahe. Nang makita kung sino ang sender ay bigla kong nilakasan ang air-con dahil ramdam ko ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. The text was from Ico! In fairness, marunong pala siyang mag-text!
Unknown Number:
This is Ico.
Nakangisi akong nagtitipa ng tugon. Butterflies were causing havoc in my stomach!
Sunny:
This is Sunny. Ba't ka napa-text?
Papasend ka ba ng nudes?
Joke.
Ico:
Monty's here in the summer house.
Sabi niya pwede raw akong maging pornstar.
Sunny:
Luh. Share mo lang?
Ico:
Ask me why.
Sunny:
Why?
Ico:
Because your panty's on my kitchen floor and he's convinced that I was having a wild, steamy, and hot kitchen sex.
Umawang ang labi ko. Bumalikwas ako ng bangon 'tsaka tinungo ang paper bag na pinaglagyan ko ng mga damit ko galing doon. I was horrified when my black lingerie panty wasn't inside! Tanga! Siyempre, wala rito kasi nandoon sa kusina ni Ico! It must've fallen off after I took a bath in the house's common CR. Bitbit ko 'yon palabas at baka nahulog ko dahil sa pagmamadali!
Ico:
Retrieve this thing tomorrow.
Sunny:
Ok... Sorry. Hehe.
Ico:
Get it at around 7 PM and wait for me to come home.
Sunny:
Bakit? Gusto mo nang i-set into reality ang wet, steamy, and hot kitchen sex na sinasabi ni Monty?
Joke ulit.
Nai-imagine ko siyang nakakunot-noo at puno ng disgusto ang mukha habang binabasa ang tugon ko. It made me chuckle to myself. Ang sarap niyang asarin!
Ico:
Seriously, woman.
We'll need to talk about your responsibilities as an adult. That's why you need to wait for me.
Sunny:
Ba't parang mapagagalitan ata ako bukas? Haha
Ico:
Because you will be. You can't always leave your underwear in someone's kitchen floor, Sunny.
Kinaumagahan ay dumating sina Minerva at Sabby sa mansiyon. Dahil may pinuntahan si Lola na meeting, si Tita Sora ang natira sa mansiyon upang i-welcome sila. We were now on the hallway leading to the guest rooms when Mine walked beside me and whispered something. Kanina pa masama ang timpla niya.
"Sino 'tong babaeng 'to? Mukhang hinuhusgahan ata tayo, e," aniya, tinutukoy si Tita Sora.
"Si Tita Sora," bulong ko pabalik habang hawak-hawak ang kamay ni Sab sa kabilang gilid ko. "Huwag kang mag-alala. Mabait siya."
She scoffed. "'Di halata."
"This will be your room," Tita Sora said when we reached our destination. Binuksan niya ang pinto ng silid na 'yon at tumambad sa 'min ang napakagandang interior nito. "This room has a queen-sized bed for sleeping, a lounge area for entertainment, and a bathroom for maintained cleanliness." Tinaasan niya ng kilay si Minerva. "Alam niyo na, bawal ang marumi rito."
Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Mine dahil sa irita. Akmang magsasalita siya nang talikuran kami ni Tita Sora upang maunang pumasok sa loob ng silid. I jumped in my place when Mine turned to me, her face distorted. Bahaw akong ngumisi at nanatiling tahimik. She didn't say anything, and she didn't have to, because I knew how annoyed she already was.
When Tita Sora was beside the queen-sized bed, she turned to us. "Malaki na para sa inyong dalawa ni Isabel ang kuwartong ito, Minerva, pero dahil gusto kong kumportable kayo, naghanda kami ng isa pang kuwarto para kay Sab."
"Hindi na kailangan," malamig na utas ni Mine. "Dito na lang si Sab sa silid na 'to. Ayos lang sa 'kin, Sora."
A small sarcastic smile lifted on Tita Sora's face. "That's Madam Sora for you," she informed. "This house is owned by my mother, meaning, this is also mine. You need to treat me with respect if you want to live here."
"Sabi mo, e." Mine scoffed.
"Also," Tita Sora feathered her palm on the bedsheet, "you can't bring your men here. I don't care about your business but when that business affects this mansion and the reputation of the Casagrandes, hindi ko na ata mapapalagpas 'yon."
Noong nasa kusina na kami ay halos mawalan na 'ko ng dugo sa mukha dahil sa kaba. Minerva not rebutting nor giving Tita Sora a piece of her wasn't Minerva at all. Naaalala ko pa ang mga eksena nila ni Katie Valderrama dati at sa lahat ng mga 'yon, si Mine ang huling nagsasalita. It's unusual for her to let Tita Sora insult us, which was what I was afraid of. She's like a ticking bomb now.
"Do you guys know how to use these utensils?" Tita asked, her eyes fixated on the different sizes of spoons and forks on the table. "Did you learn proper eating etiquette? And... are you a Vegan?"
Kinalabit ako ni Minerva. "Ano raw 'yon?" bulong niya. "Are you a virgin?"
"Vegan," Tita repeated and smirked at us, "as in, you don't eat meat and dairy products. That includes pork, beef, chicken, everything. Bawal din ang gatas kasi dairy 'yon—"
"E ano pong iinumin ko sa umaga at gabi?" inosenteng singit ni Sab.
My eyes widened because it's the first time she'd spoken throughout our mini-tour. Hindi ako nag-alala kasi kumikinang ang mga mata niya habang nililibot namin ang mansiyon. She was too amazed by everything here that she forgot to speak. How cute.
"If you can't live without your milk, we'll order Vegan-friendly ones instead. Like soy milk. With the meat though, I can't do anything with that."
"Ba't ka naging Vegan? Wala kang jowa 'no?"
Tita plastered a confused look at Mine's question. "Jowa? What's that?"
"Boyfriend!"
Wala sa oras akong napaubo dahil kitang-kita ko ang paglukot ng mukha ni Tita Sora. I pinched Mine's waist to warn her of what was about to down but she just shoved my hand away. Hinanap ng mga mata ko si Sab upang makapaghanda kung sakaling kailangan naming lumayo-layo. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw her smiling while admiring the refrigerator magnets.
After letting out a dry chuckle, Tita said, "Minerva, being Vegan doesn't have anything to do with my relationship status. It's a way of life." She shook her head. "Anyway, why am I even wasting my time explaining you this. It's not like you'd understand. Ni hindi ka nga ata nakapagtapos ng high school, 'di ba?"
"Ayos lang. At least regular akong nadidiligan. 'Di tulad mong..." Mine purposely lagged to insult Tita Sora.
"Oh dear, you're in no place to compare yourself to me. I have no plans in following your footsteps. Besides, what's wrong with not having a boyfriend?" She arched a brow. "I don't need a man to validate my existence."
Nasa loob kami ng kuwarto ko nang kumprontahin ako ni Minerva. We were done with the mini-tour and Sab's now on top of my bed playing house with her Barbies. Hinigit ako ni Mine patungo sa pinakamalayong sulok upang 'di marinig ni Sab ang pag-uusapan namin. Mentally, I prepared myself for her blows.
"'Di ko kayang tumira rito," pinal niyang wika.
"Mine, pwede nam—"
"Ayoko," iling niya. "Narinig mo ba ang sinabi ng Tandang Sora na 'yon? Kaya siguro wala rin dito si Laurel! Sino ba namang makakatiis sa pagiging bruhilda niyang Sora na 'yan? Ang pasmado ng bibig!"
"Tama naman siya, e," sabi ko sa maliit na boses.
"Ano?!"
Inabot ko ang kamay niya 'tsaka pinisil 'yon. "Mine, iniisip lang ni Tita Sora ang kapakanan ng pamilya nila. Hindi niya pa tayo lubusang pinagkakatiwalaan at naiintindihan ko 'yon. Kung ako ang sa posisyon niya, ganoon din ang gagawin ko."
"Ito na nga bang sinasabi ko, Sunny, e!" pabulong niyang singhal. She snatched her hand back. "Hindi mo pinag-isipan ng mabuti ang gagawin mong 'to! Basta-basta mo na lang na pinasok dahil ano? Dahil pagod ka nang maging mahirap? Pagod ka nang pinamimintasan ng iba? Ang babaw naman! Ang tanga-tanga pa!"
I hiccupped. Words cut deeper when it came from Minerva because between her and Laurel, siya ang inasahan kong mas maiintindihan ako bilang Ate ni Sab at bilang isang babaeng ang tanging hangad lang ay ang maging kuntento... at masaya.
When I started this shit, I genuinely thought that my happiness, as well as Sab's, depended on this. Sure, it was all done for personal gain and now that I was here, I realized there's a lot more this façade entails than pretending. Tama si Mine, mali ako. Pero nandito na ako kaya... anong magagawa ko?
"Oo na, tanga ako!" balik ko sa gumagaralgal na boses. "Marami akong 'di alam sa mundong 'to at minsan iniisip kong nag-mature na ako lalo na sa dami ng pinagdaanan natin pero hindi, e... Natutukso pa rin ako! Sa yaman, sa dangal, sa pagmamahal. I made a stupid decision, so what?" Tears formed at the sides of my eyes. "At least I'm here committing to it! At least I'm not selling my body! At least this thing isn't dirty and nasty!"
She forced a small smile. "Mas pipiliin ko pang maging madumi sa paningin niyo kaysa gawin ito. 'Di tulad mo, ayaw kong magnakaw ng buhay ng ibang tao."
Humans... are insatiable. We want a lot of things and when we get them, we tend to yearn for something more. There's just no pleasing us. Wala rin tayong magawa upang pigilan ang sarili nating maging sakim dahil ginawa tayo ng Diyos na ganoon. We crumble upon the worldly things. We break upon trivial feelings. We crave glory all the time.
Nineteen-year-old Sunny Vega was the most human thing there ever was. I was a girl desperate for wealth. 'Yon lang ang bagay na importante sa 'kin dahil akala ko, kapag nagkaroon ako nito, mawawalan na ako ng problema. Kasi sino ba namang 'di sasaya sa pera? All I wanted was to smooth-sail through life, but I guess, nothing good comes out of something we do for personal gain.
Umalis si Minerva sa mansiyon. I knew she'd be back but there was no exact date of her return. Habang umiiyak ako sa silid ko'y narinig ko ang papalapit na mga yabag ni Sab. While squatting on the floor, I looked up at her and cried more when tears were flowing from her eyes. Sinunggaban niya ako ng yakap na siyang sinuklian ko kaagad.
"Ate, n-nag-aaway ba kayo dahil sa 'kin?" nauutal niyang tanong.
Umiling ako. "No... wala lang 'to, Sab."
Kumalas ako upang masapo ang pisngi niya. Namungay ang mga mata ko habang tinitignan siyang umiiyak. My heart hurt every time she cried. An angel like her didn't deserve that.
"Bakit naman kami mag-aaway dahil sa 'yo?" malamyos kong tanong.
"Kasi... malapit ko na po kayong iwan, 'di ba?" Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. What did she mean by that? I was about to speak but everything stopped when she added, "Matagal ko nang alam, Ate. May sakit po ako... at malapit na akong mamatay."
***
i'm tired n hungry. brt brt.