I hesitated briefly before knocking on the door, not fully sure if I was ready to deal with what was behind it.
When I’d arrived back at the hospital a couple hours later, the nurse on duty told me that they’d moved Benji into his own room and that he was no longer in immediate danger. I had to tell her that I was his cousin in order to get the room number, but the lie had come easily enough. She’d looked me up and down before searching for it on the computer. I think she may have been too tired to question me about our lack of similarities—besides the scars of course—and figured it would be easier to just give me what I wanted.
Since it wasn’t quite morning yet and it was way too late to be nighttime, the halls were pretty empty as I searched for Benji’s room. Now that I’d found it, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go inside. His night had been rough enough, and if he’d been able to fall sleep at all, then I felt like I should let him rest.
But my need to see my friend trumped being polite, so I tapped quietly on the door. Without waiting for an answer, I turned the knob and pushed it open. The smell of Band-aids and rubbing alcohol brought me a bit of comfort as I moved into the room. The machines were beeping, assuring me that my friend was still alive. When I looked over at Benji lying in his bed, I saw that he was actually wide awake and propped up by half a dozen pillows. It was still jarring to see him in that position; so helpless and fragile.
“Hey, gimp,” I said with a smile. Carson was sitting in the corner, but I didn’t bother acknowledging him. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about what had gone on between us, and until I was, I figured it was best to act like the kiss had never happened. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him put down the magazine he’d been reading and stare at me as I sat down next to Benji.
“I’m sorry, but do I know you?” Benji asked, slurring his words slightly. “You couldn’t be my old friend, Bliss…’cause she would never ditch me to go play around in the dirt.”
“Oh, cut it out,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You know I had to go. If I’d waited, chances are there’d be no useful evidence left to go on.”
“So, you found something then?” he asked, for the moment forgetting about how annoyed he was at me.
“Not exactly. I found someone.” I took out my phone to show him the pictures we now had of Hoodie. Then I filled them both in on the conversation I’d had with my dad, being sure to include the part about the material being just like our Smart Suits and the identity of our dead boy.
“So, this kid died as a child?” Benji asked, his eyes practically bugging out. He whistled low as he took all the information in.
“Supposedly.”
“But, why? Why get rid of his identity? Why say he died if he didn’t?” Benji asked.
“This way he doesn’t exist,” Carson chimed in. It was the first time he’d spoken since I arrived, and his voice nearly startled me. “It’s harder for people to suspect you if they think you’re dead, and even harder to catch you that way.”
“I’m really confused here,” Benji said, trying to make sense of the situation. “The kid was only four years old when he supposedly died, right? That’s what your dad said. Why would he need to disappear at that age? And how would his parents hide something like that?”
“Good point. That’s why we have to track them down and seeing whether they know their kid’s still alive,” I said. “What have the doctors said about your injuries?”
Benji’s face softened. “Always worried about me,” he teased, goofily.
If he was already joking around, it meant that he wasn’t as pissed as I thought he’d be for disappearing on him. Or it was possible that he was just hopped up on pain meds. Either one would make the rest of our trip much easier.
“Just curious when you’ll be able to blow this popsicle stand,” I answered. “I mean, I know you’re living the life of luxury right now—pretty girls wait on you hand and foot, regular meals presented to you throughout the day and a never-ending supply of bad soap operas to watch—but if we can tear you away soon, we might be able to figure out what happened to Glenn and Joanie.”
“I dunno…I’ve never been so relaaaxed before.”
“That’s because you’re on muscle relaxants, doofus,” I said with a laugh. “Hell, I’d stay here too, if it meant I got to check out for a bit. The stuff they’re giving you is better than anything I could get my hands on.” We both chuckled at this.
“I’ll go find the doctor and ask him when Benji can leave,” said Carson. He got up from the chair and made his way over to the door. He didn’t even bother looking at me as he passed.
Someone’s still mad, I see.
Benji had a nurse call button right near his bed, so I knew it wasn’t really necessary for Carson to leave. He was obviously doing it to give the two of us some time alone. That or he was so angry over what had happened earlier that he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me. I decided that I was fine with either one for the time being.
Once he was gone and I could hear his footsteps retreating down the hall, I looked back down at Benji and saw that he was staring up at me. I traced his bruises lightly with my finger, noticing that they’d grown more colorful within the few hours I’d been away. Based on my own history, I knew his injuries were much more severe than he was letting on. If he could’ve felt the extent of them, he wouldn’t be gazing at me like he was now. All googly eyed and sickeningly happy.
They must be giving him the really good stuff. I was jealous.
“Waz goin’ on ’tween you two? Yure usually at each other’s throats, in now you’re just…ignorin’ each other,” he said. “Didja call a truce or somethin’?”
“Something like that,” I said, evading the subject. Somehow I knew this wasn’t the best time to bring up our parking lot smooch. Benji had enough to deal with. He didn’t need to add my non-existent, messed up love life to the list. “So, how are you feeling, really?”
“Little stiff, but otherwise…I feel fiiiine. Kinda fuzzy, ya know?” he said. Then, he reached out and took my hand. Once again, the act felt surprisingly comfortable, and I didn’t pull away. “I was lonely without ya, Bliss. Don’ leave me again. That wasn’t nice.” He made a face like he was trying to pout and it took him about a million years to formulate a sentence. The boy was high as a kite, and if he hadn’t almost died, it would’ve been hilarious.
“Oh, please. I bet you didn’t even notice I was gone,” I said as I laughed.
“Ya know what I mean,” he said, his eyes drifting closed. “Ya make me feeeeel thins. Sometimes I even feel pain when I’m withya.”
From anyone else this would’ve been horrible to hear, but coming from Benji, it was a compliment. In fact, this was probably his version of a pick-up line.
Before I could respond, Benji pulled me down toward him and he kissed me. His lips were soft. So soft. And full, like two pillows caressing my face. I kissed him back, overwhelmed with my sudden need to make things okay between us. It was my fault he was in here. My fault he’d been hurt. But wasn’t kissing him sort of the same as hurting him? Maybe he was more like me than I’d thought.
So, was this an impulsive move or something else entirely? I’d heard that when people had near-death experiences, they tended to do crazy, impulsive things. Never mind, it didn’t matter. The bottom line was that nothing could happen between us. Talk about your doomed relationships. At best, we’d have a year before things ended badly—either we’d break up or something more permanent would separate us. And I couldn’t handle either of those things happening. At least not to Benji. No matter how good it felt to be in his arms like this.
But it was hard to stop. Kissing him was different than kissing Carson. It was tender and sweet, like your first kiss. It wasn’t about sex—it was more innocent than that. Like when you had your first crush and you could picture yourself being with that person forever and ever. Before you learned that people eventually died or broke your heart.
Finally, I pulled away from him, placing my hands firmly on his chest to keep him from getting up. I gave him a smile, although I was already worried about how the kiss was going to affect things between us. Benji was the last person on this earth that I wanted to hurt.
Well, hurt again, anyway.
“Bliss, I really like you,” he said once he’d opened his eyes again.
“I think those meds have gone to your head,” I said, forcing a laugh. It was more of a reflex, because I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“I’m not jokin’,” he said, seriously. “I’ve always felt thiz way, and I think ya do, too.”
“Benji,” I said gently, “You know you’re one of my closest friends and I’m sure it seems like you feel that way, but you don’t want to be with someone like me.”
“Why wouldn’ I? You’re gorgeous, strong, smaaaart. You can kick anyone’s butt, ’cluding mine, and yure hil-ar-ious. An’ we totes get ’chother.”
He had a point. No one but another CIPA kid would ever understand what it was like to be me. But just because we understood each other’s pain, didn’t mean Benji and I were a good match.
“Yeah, but I’m moody and bossy. I don’t really like people. And I’m a control freak who always has to have things my way. I’m glass half-empty and you’re glass half-full. I’m totally messed up. You deserve someone better than me, Benj.”
“We’re all a lil’ messed up, Bliss. Why dontcha lemme decide waz good fur me?” he asked, sounding sure of himself. “See? I can be bozzy too.”
I smiled, but I felt sad. And confused. I hadn’t thought of Benji this way since the beginning of our friendship, when I’d first crushed on him. Since then, he’d fallen into the role of my friend, my sidekick, my non-sexual buddy. And now he was telling me that I was no longer that to him.
Not that it was impossible to look at Benji this way again—the few times I’d almost caught him naked had definitely given me something to think of when I was alone in bed at night—but there was just so much more to lose now. What if we did take a chance and try our hand at romance, and it didn’t end well? Wait, stupid question. Because no matter what, it would end. And endings were never good. Benji deserved to spend the last few years of his life drenched in happiness.
Happiness.
This was almost a foreign concept to me, although I faintly remembered times when I’d felt it. Benji thought he’d achieve it by being with me. And all I wanted was for my friend to be happy. The universe owed him that much at least. So how could I take that away from him, considering he had such little time left to experience all that life had to offer? But could I do that? Ignore my own misgivings about getting close to anyone, just to give Benji happiness?
Is it possible that I could be happy with him, too?
“Why don’t we wait until you’re off the drugs to talk about this some more?” I asked, trying to buy myself more time to think.
Benji lifted his eyes to mine and my heart nearly stopped as I waited for him to respond. As this was happening, the door opened behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to know it was Carson. After spending 24/7 together for the past week, I’d begun to recognize the sound of his walk. His shoes gave off a tiny squeak with each step, and each one was weighted and even.
“Sure,” Benji responded reluctantly as Carson crossed the room and sat back down in his chair.
“What did I miss?” he asked us.
“Nothin’,” Benji muttered, looking away from me and studying the window instead.
“What did the doctors say?” I asked, taking a deep breath and welcoming a new subject.
Carson looked from Benji to me thoughtfully. He knew something was going on, but didn’t push the subject. “The doctor said he needs to take it easy, but he’s not in any real danger anymore. They want to keep him here until the afternoon, but then he can be discharged,” he said. He looked over at Benji pointedly. “This whole thing is getting to be more dangerous than any of us thought, and I can’t help but feel like we should send you home.”
Benji’s jaw dropped and he began to protest. But before he could, Carson held up his hand to stop him.
“But I know that you probably won’t leave, and I’m too tired to fight you and Bliss over it. So, if you choose to stay, you have to promise to stick to the sidelines until you’re fully healed. Got it?”
At first Benji looked like he still wanted to challenge Carson’s terms, but he must’ve been just as exhausted as the rest of us. Besides, I’m sure he knew that all it would take was one phone call to my parents and he’d be on the private jet back home. Benji really had no choice but to comply with Carson’s rules. And unfortunately, neither did I.
I hated to admit it, but I didn’t exactly disagree with Carson. Especially if it meant keeping Benji safe. And I knew that if Carson sent my friend home before he could help, it would destroy the last shred of dignity Benji had after being hurt in the blast. And then being semi-rejected by me. I wasn’t sure what he’d do if we sent him home now.
“Okay. So, we’re moving forward then? I’ll go set everything up,” I said, grabbing my phone and heading for the door as quickly as my feet would carry me. Before leaving the room, I glanced back at them. “We’ll leave tomorrow night.”