"What doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead."
"How are you today?"
Three hours earlier
I was crying my eyes out, everywhere. The tube three times a day. Everyday. Everywhere. I hadn't talked in three weeks and today was my first appointment with my doctor.
They gave me a pillow this morning. It is the ugliest fing pillow I've every seen. Blue and squishy, to apparently;
"Help your bones from not getting sore or damaged, because you are so fragile."
I had to take it everywhere. Sit on it even if I was sitting on a chair with a cushion. It made everyone look at me, stare at me. It was awful.
I started punching it. Harder and harder. It wasn't enough. I punched myself. Harder and harder. Hitting myself off of walls. Metal. Scratching. In hysterics. I wish I was dead!
Three hours later
"How're you today?"
No reply.
"My name is doctor Law, I am in charge of your treatment here at hospital. Do you understand why you were admitted?"
No reply.
"Anorexia was and still is trying to kill you. Do you understand that? Can you see that anorexia is doing this to you?"
"I'm not anorexic." I muttered.
"Sorry?"
"I'm not anorexic!"
"You are, we have all the facts here that tell us that you are anorexic; your bmi is well under the underweight category, you can't remember most information - what's my name?"
I didn't know...
"Exactly, you are self harming, and starving yourself because you think it will make you bigger. You frequently exercise and cry all day and you hardly talk to anyone. You need to choose to get better, for now we are forcing that on you by tube feeding you but that can't happen forever, do you want to say in here and be tube fed for the rest of your life?"
"I just want to die." I sighed
"Sorry?"
"Kill me. Please?"
"I'm sorry but that's not going to happen, we are going to keep you alive, it's our job."
"I wish I was dead."
Two hours later
A red haired nurse with tattoos came into my room, she sat down beside me and started talking to me:
"How are you?"
"I can't remember what happened yesterday."
"You know you said that to me yesterday right?"
"I can't remember anything."